Board 8 > Well my family successfully made me feel shitty.

(+) Yeah! (+)

So I've got my little cousins over here with my grandpa today, we were waiting for their mom(Technically, shes my cousin and they are her kids, but at a certain point everyone is just cousins, its simpler that way) to come home so we could all go out and eat dinner..

So my cousin arrives, says we're going to a restaurant and that "aunt x and y are there we are all going to dinner together". Unexpected, and not the place I expected to go to. We were thinking BBQ before, but whatever. The place ended up being an italian place that honestly I don't think is as good as it used to be.

So we get there, and my aunts are already all there. There response is "oh, I thought you guys were still in Oregon". Me and my grandpa were in Oregon with my uncle for the eclipse, we got back yesterday. We'd told everyone like 6 months in advance, and then reminders all up to this week, that we'd be back yesterday. It wasn't exactly a secret(They just didnt give enough shits to remember). One of my aunts is having a minor freak out because they'd asked for a table for 10 and we were now 12. So we were definitely unexpected.

There were a few other things they do at the start that I wont get into, mostly rude and inconsiderate towards my grandpa, but whatever. That annoys me more than it makes me feel shitty.

So we get to part B, they have (crappy) mini cupcakes and birthday candles. They had planned this dinner, intending for both me and my grandpa not to be there, as a birthday dinner for my aunt. First off, they literally planned this dinner for my grandpas daughter, my grandpa likes his kids, and they intended to celebrate without him. Second part of this, her birthday was the 18th, so its not like this was some day of thing. They could have done this whenever.

So anyway this was a birthday dinner I wasnt intended to be invited to. So I'm already feeling awkward.

The part that effects me here, the 20th was my birthday. So we get to the point they are going to sing happy birthday to my aunt, since it was basically my birthday too, I guess they feel obligated to sing to me to(They combine us into one dumb song) even though the dinner wasnt for me and I basically wasn't invited and felt like the an outsider the whole time there. I don't think I've ever felt more insulted than being sung happy birthday to with a yellow cake(I think) mini cupcake with plain frosting on(I don't think I could think of a less desirable thing to eat) it at a dinner that was planned intentionally at a time when I was apparently thought to be out of state.

Look, I'm 31, you don't want to have birthdays for me, fine. But my cousin is 36, she still gets birthdays, my other cousin just had a big giant party for his 30th(I had a small dinner for mine last year). Or if they don't have a birthday, they at least give them presents(Or, hand them over a token sum of cash. Some sort of recognition is the point). No one mentions anything for me. No presents, no cash changing hands. Hell, my grandpa writes everyone from grandkids down a check for $100 on christmas and birthdays. But even he forgot me(Which is fine, hes 92 years old, he forgets things, and I see him literally every day).

And its not like I am an outsider to this family, one aunt here I literally took off work to go to her daughters birthday a month ago, another aunt here I literally take care of her grandkids all the time(I took them to Disneyland a couple weeks ago before they started school too).

Anyway, the dinner was awkward as hell, made me feel pretty depressed, originally a bit angry on the inside but now I'm just feeling kind of sad.
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thats what family is for

That sucks bro. I know the feeling. Best thing you can do is not let it get to you, since odds are they meant nothing by it if your family is huge.

Also unrelated to this, but affecting my overall mood to deal with something like this.

My day got a liver transplant a couple months ago(Not sure when), it seemed to go well at first but hes been in and out of the hospital for the last month and a half or so. First couple of weeks hes been doing great but they don't know if its a bad reaction to medications or an infection or what, but the best I could describe him is that when he isn't in the hospital hes been almost zombie-like.

On top of that, my relationship with my dad is...complicated, I guess. My ability to care for his well being extends little beyond the fact that my mom cares for his well being and I care for my mom. This means I have to deal with him somewhat as not dealing with him doesn't align with what I do care about. But at the same time, it means I don't necessarily care about his well being. But I'm constantly bombarded with questions about how my dad is doing, and I can only fake caring so much before its obvious that if he were to die or something I just wouldn't be hurt all that much(I'd feel sad that my mom feels sad, but myself, a good chunk of me would be entirely indifferent).

Its just a very strange position that I'm put in socially that you can't really explain on a whim. Like, my response to how my dad is doing is "not great" or something along those lines, but I don't necessarily enjoy being bombarded with the fake i'm sorrys from people when truth be told I don't care all that much myself.
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Is there any way you can sit down with them and explain how you feel, and maybe hope in the future it won't be like this again? You know, everyone can communicate in a rational manner?

I know that sounds naive, but it works for me.
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Dude I feel this.

The first family Christmas after my 18th birthday, I literally only get a small (think Crown Royal) bag of Christmas candy (candy canes and chocolate mints). My Uncle made a big show of saying "in our family your presents stop when you become an adult".

The next year, my then 18 year old cousin gets a present of a guitar, amp, and lessons from the vary same Uncle, and a Laptop from my grandma.

Like, it seems petty and I didn't expect or need presents, but I felt so unwanted that I haven't been to a Christmas since.
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Tony, did you ever figure out why they treated you that way? Was there no discussion of this?

Seems pretty odd.
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Peridiam posted...

Is there any way you can sit down with them and explain how you feel, and maybe hope in the future it won't be like this again? You know, everyone can communicate in a rational manner?

I know that sounds naive, but it works for me.

Not really, no. They just don't care. Or they'll fake it in conversation and then just continue behind my back.
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Definitely feel you on this

Ever since my dad died, his parents have pretty much stopped bothering in regards to me and my sister. They spend pretty much every holiday, vacation, etc. with my cousins while me and my sister are lucky just to get a Christmas card from them

And my grandparents on my mom's side have both passed so now any family relationships we have are really weak outside of like me and my sister.

And it sucks because my aunt and uncle on my dad's side are actually really nice and friendly, but I can't help but kind of resent that side of the family over how blatantly my grandparents chose them as their favorites
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Sorry, red. This sounds like an entirely shitty situation; and I know that the entire liver transplant situation and what led up to it has not been remotely close to anything resembling easy. I wish there were easy solutions in how to handle things like this. B8's got your back if you need to vent though.
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Extended family not remembering a birthday or my whereabouts? I get along with my extended family just fine and I can't think of anything I'd care less about. Seems like a molehill to me, but maybe that's just me.
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I'm sorry the situation happened, but I mean... Right after telling about how they don't care about you, you told about how you don't care about your dad. Like, "They're just fake to me." and "Oh I'm fake about caring about my dad" being side by side posts makes it seem like this is just a thing with you and your family in general. >_>
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StealThisSheen posted...

I'm sorry the situation happened, but I mean... Right after telling about how they don't care about you, you told about how you don't care about your dad. Like, "They're just fake to me." and "Oh I'm fake about caring about my dad" being side by side posts makes it seem like this is just a thing with you and your family in general. >_>

I'm not fake about it. I've straight up told him I don't necessarily give any shits about him.
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I question why you haven't distanced yourself from most of your family. You seem to give a lot and get nothing in return.

That's fair enough

Iunno. It just seems odd to me to so easily "I don't give a shit about my dad" but then wonder why and actually be hurt by extended family not giving much thought to you. Seems like that'd just be something to easily distance from.
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StealThisSheen posted...

That's fair enough

Iunno. It just seems odd to me to so easily "I don't give a shit about my dad" but then wonder why and actually be hurt by extended family not giving much thought to you. Seems like that'd just be something to easily distance from.

I've never done anything particularly harmful to them to draw their ire.

Also this is my moms side of the family, I flat out don't talk to and do my best to entirely avoid my dads family.
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I was gonna suggest cutting ties with people who make you feel that shitty, but ultimately it's your decision.
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red13n posted...

The place ended up being an italian place that honestly I don't think is as good as it used to be.

harsh review dude
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Sounds about part for the course to me. Extended family is not worth giving any shits about. I can't stand family get togethers or reunions. Everyone is so fucking fake and it just makes me nauseous. You make your own family.
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Peridiam posted...

Tony, did you ever figure out why they treated you that way? Was there no discussion of this?

Seems pretty odd.

Nah I moved away shortly after haven't really talked since. I'm guessing just classic favoritism.
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