LogFAQs > #979561977

I have been having a really difficult time staying sober. I'll go 14 days, then day 15 I'll feel depressed, 16 will be worse, and on 16 or 17 I'll end up grabbing a six pack. The next day that escalates, then it went until day seven this time where I had a fifth of vodka and a can of four loko done by 1PM. I was found passed out by my roommate with a black eye and bruises all over my body. I'm assuming I had a seizure because the location of the bruises are just... weird. I've been through these relapses often now, so I have a good "toolkit" to get through it, and this time felt like it was going to be easier (even though it still is AWFUL).

Last night was the most awful symptom I have personally experienced, though they can even still get much worse. I spoke about it at a meeting today and I could barely get my story out because of how much my voice was trembling and my hands were shaking because of how shaken up I am about it. I can type about it just fine, but vocalizing it out loud is very difficult.

I started having Closed Eye Hallucinations. These first ones were greyscale and not really in color. They started out benign, like dark blobs that would move around, turn into different shapes, etc. They eventually started turning into lines and rotating around my closed eye frame of vision. The line then took an L shape and split apart and went into an | | formation. They rotated a bit and revealed themselves to be knives, then IMMEDIATELY jumped towards me. It JOLTED me up in fear. Every time I would close my eyes, within a minute some type of weapon would reveal itself and jolt towards me. The weirdest one were corn cob holders that took a square formation and started rotating before jolting towards my eyes. Another was a dim orange dot, it slightly got larger, then a hand jumped out to grab me.

Then, it got even worse...
Things started getting colors. The hallucinations would change based on my thoughts, however, I ALWAYS ended up stabbed, a rope tied around my neck, or disemboweled. I was closed eye hallucinating being in the super market and a small asian woman coming up to me and stabbing me. I started seeing weird, scary animals that were just weird pieces of other animals put together, typically a dog and a chicken. I had one where I was walking on the road and got hit by a car. One where I was hit by a train. One where somebody sliced my stomach open and pulled my insides out. The worst of them all, I am not sure I can post here. I will be daring and post it in a reply with spoiler tags, because it is very VERY fucked up and it honestly really really makes me wonder what's wrong with my brain. All of these could have been over without being killed by just opening my eyes, but I was SO exhausted and needed my sleep, so I kept attempting another "run" every 20-30 minutes, and I'd always be killed.

It might be time for another shot at rehab :(