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https://www.theonion.com/target-removes-all-towels-from-stores-after-soaking-wet-1850476070

Target Removes All Towels From Stores After Soaking-Wet Lunatic Objects To Dryness

MINNEAPOLIS, MNBowing to the demands of the pro-moist movement, Target reportedly removed all towels from stores Thursday after a soaking-wet lunatic objected to dryness. We apologize to the sopping individual who felt angry and threatened by our promotion of dryness, said Target CEO Brian Cornell, explaining that the towels were never meant to force a bone-dry lifestyle on any sopping maniac who chooses to douse themselves in water and rampage through the store. Just know, we at Target hear you, sopping-wet Americans. You came out wet, you live wet, and you intend to die wet. And we respect that. Nowhere is more accepting of shoppers who make sloppy puddles wherever they go. At press time, Target mandated that all employees should be drenched from head-to-toe.