LogFAQs > #970823522

KaZooo posted...

My dad was difficult, and most of the time he was around he was my least favorite person. Not at the same level of what you experienced with yours - and sorry my last post was a little bland - but what I mean is use this last time just to make some sense of him.

I know for a fact today I'd not really get along with my dad, but there was a lot of unanswered questions and loose threads, which wasn't helped by a bunch of stories his friends and older family shared with me. They knew a different person than I did. Would've been nice to have a complete story.

I also did have a conversation with him for a very short time about his regrets. It's just a shame. Sounded like I finally talked to a sane version of him and that was the only opportunity that was afforded to us, and it took the 11th hour of his life to come to that.

My dad has been nicer since I came back into his life. I think he was trying to find recompense for his actions when he was younger. I tolerate him, and I help him to the extent I am able, but I have no desire to twist myself further than what I know that I can do for this man.

If its any indication, I saw a psychologist when I was in 5th grade, I do not remember anything from 4th grade, and my father has never told me why. Hes only claimed he didnt even know about it.

While my parents werent the absolute worst and there are other things that I could have had to deal with, Im left with what was done and what I am now. I dont blame them for my actions, as an adult I need to be responsible for that, but I can blame them for the circumstances putting me into this frame.

I still have never mourned my mother, and I dont think I ever will. Not feeling remorse or regret makes it an easy statement to say.

I can say that in a hypothetical future I may grow to regret not spending more time with them, but even if I do come to feel regret I can always remember being beaten by a 2 wide belt because I spilled something on a hardwood floor. Or the times I was accused of doing something like knocking over something that I didnt, and being beaten harder for lying about it... when we had 12 cats.