LogFAQs > #964528733

Going to preface this by saying I'm ok, no one should seriously worry or anything like that. Pre-emptive thank you to anyone willing to listen to my ramblings.

And you know what is worse than creeping depression? Opening up a bit in a GFAQs rant and then mislcicking and losing the entire thing. Why I usually type in notepad first but oh well, retyping half of this.

Anyway, way way back I used to do way too many things on the internet at once, competitive Pokemon, RTS, MOBA's, MMOs, some mafia and a whole bunch of way too many things. Those were high school/college days and I definitely don't have that kind of time anymore. But important part of that synopsis is I made a bunch of friends along the way hurray.

And I know some people think this is lame, but I've kind of always valued my e-friendships as much or more than those in-person. Just easier to find people with things in common with a much larger pool of people. Hell I had somehow come across a lot of really close friends in high school but my best friend at the time was still someone that was actually a b8er.

So friendships, good. Other important background portion, I had a lot of different groups I was comfortable hanging around. Lots of people to talk to. Hell too many, mentally I was always concerned I was spread thin and juggling too many things. Maybe I was, but I was always reasonably happy and that was good enough for me and I'd say it lasted awhile. Friends in a few of those places, some of those friends I'd join in other ventures, fun times for all etc.

But this is where my problem is, and as I know I have people here on b8 that know I think of them as friends, I'm going to say that I know this is very much a me problem. I am not a particularly socially confident person, I'm very much an introvert. While I always have had lots of people to hang out with or asking me to hang out and do things, it would be very rare that I am the initiator in conversation or anything. It is always people asking me or me jumping into conversation I felt comfortable jumping into. I always worry that people think I don't value them or enjoy their company because on the outside I very much know that I never appear to seek it out.

This gets closer to today, where the groups I used to hang with have kind of, well dwindled. As I've gotten older my circles(Both in-person and online) have gotten smaller. I know this is normal. But the e-side of things, I'm...particularly not used to this. And in more recent years, I feel like maybe I let them shrink too small.

Through the years, when I'd come home from wherever and have nothing better to do but hop online(At a reasonable hour or sometimes as a night owl), I always had somewhere to hop on with reliable group of close friends I could just talk to. That had been getting smaller, when my WoW guild broke up, it got even smaller but I still had people that'd talk to me.

To even more recent times, the last group I was really close to online that I hung out with regularly, I almost feel like an outsider. We still do things together at designated times, have a dnd night, fun times etc. When these times are going, feel great. But some of them used to hang out beyond that, quite a lot, I'd generally be around and included, more fun times. But now when those times are up, they splinter off into their smaller friend groups, and I'm not a part of any of them. It has left me feeling forgotten/unwanted/abandoned. I've had internal debates about whether everyone kind of secretly hates me. I think I know they don't, I don't even think intent is even a little malicious. But I had grown used to always having close friends that were always around to bounce stuff off of and were eager to have me around and I just...dont know what to think anymore.

I don't want to type too long, but the short version of what I've been constantly feeling is that I've left myself with a bunch of people that don't mind my company, maybe even enjoy actually having me around. But I've been stuck with this nagging feeling that enjoying having me around is different from actually wanting me to be around. That if I did the irrational thing and just vanished(No don't get morbid here, I dont mean it in that way I just dont have better phrasing) that people would hardly care.

The depression talk starts a whole rabbit hole of bad things. Did I hang with people that never really liked me much anyway. If I werent such an anti-social dummy would I have been happier. Did I do something stupid and actually make people hate me. Am I just too fucking boring(I am definitely pretty generic). Way deeper than this but I've managed to tire myself out. Thanks for always being here to listen as always b8.