*offers gmun piece of birthday cake from yesterday, and virtual hugs*
I don't have much in the way of words for yas. TBH, I'm kind of scared. Selfishly. In that, the way you describe your brother and his outbursts and his temperament when things aren't going his way and the reckless abuse he dishes out... I feel like that's been me a number of times over the years. And I think I have enough empathy for others and experience to recognize the damage it causes to keep myself tamped down and guarded at all times. I tell people that I'm afraid to learn to drive because of panic attacks and anxiety, and while true, my biggest fear is that I'd do something sporadic and incredibly damaging like your brother driving the car into a ditch. That'd I'd be comfortable enough with it for a month, but there'd be that moment where my brain isn't functioning and I either space out or make a reckless decision that results in something worse than a car wreck.
I've poorly explained to my therapist that I hate when things are going well because I know something bad will mess it all up, and I can't provide examples because I can't vocalize things that have happened no matter how minor, but my fears are that when I am comfortable and when things are starting to go well, that I self-sabotage and destroy. It just happens. And if that's anything like me, where I have verbally abused my sister and parents without realizing my behavior until years later over minor stuff like doing things I want to do or dumb ****.... and I take meds and have therapy and kind of recognize the problem though really only right now, I still have those bursts when I think I'm passed them, and...
I ramble. I don't know if I'm being self-serving writing this or providing an experience that relates to your brother and may spark some kind of insight for you just out of happenstance, or if I should delete and censor because, hey, I'm always afraid of making things worse... but I'll leave it and hope that something positive somehow comes out of my word vomit. I just hope you and your family will be okay, and you don't have to have sympathy for your brother after he's burned you so often. My sister and I live two miles from each other, and we barely speak. But that's also other issues where I'm learning my mother isn't the best at not wounding her in some way, and my mom doesn't know. God. I need to stooooopppp.
Who wants cake? ^_________^
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"In my headcanon, some staffer saw Trump pull out his phone and start typing so they just Terry Tate Office Linebacker'd him out of his shoes." - FFD