LogFAQs > #937700025

OpenShut posted...

Let's get a story about a guy named Bob finding a used dildo in his mother's attic

"The movers are back, Bob. They're ready to load up the last haul," Mom says. Bob sighs before looking out the front window at the movers striding up the walkway. It all seems so unfair. Bob and his family have lived in this house for as long as he could remember. To have it end under these circumstances was heartbreaking.

Bob is sitting on the couch, Sergeant Scruffy laying his head on Bob's lap. Bob gently pets Sergeant Scruffy's head and whispers, "Time to go, boy. The movers have to load this onto the truck." The german shepherd lifts his head and leaps off the couch. "I'll go finish packing up the attic," Bob shouts to his mother before trodding up the stairs.

Bob's father has been missing for six months now. As a retired police captain, there wasn't a single member of local law enforcement that wasn't looking for Bob's father. Captain Denbow wasn't a drinker, so there's no way he could have wondered off after a heavy binge. Bob's father put a lot of people behind bars in his days on the force, undoubtedly making a great deal of enemies. In Bob's mind, foul play was the only theory that made sense. After six months, he was starting to lose hope he'd ever see his father again. Without his father to support the family income, they could no longer afford to stay in the house they've lived in for Bob's entire life. The place that Bob had called home has been taken away by the same people who took away his father. What if Dad escapes his captors and returns, just to find another family living here?

Sergeant Scruffy was taking the captain's disappearance especially hard. The sergeant was a drug sniffing dog in the K9 unit of Dad's precinct. Once Sergeant Scruffy became too old to work, Dad adopted him. After working tirelessly for years, Sergeant Scruffy had a loving home to spend the rest of his life in.

Bob had cleared out most of the attic in the week prior, but there were still some boxes in the back corner. Bob opened the box closest to him and found it mostly empty. The only thing remaining in the box was a foot-long double sided dildo. The dildo was as pink as the bubble gum Dad used to give to Bob's third grade baseball team. Memories of Bob's first home run flooded his mind. His brand new Louisville Slugger bat, the roar of the crowd as the ball exploded over the fence, and of course that sweet pink gum in his mouth.

"It was your father's," Mom calls out from behind Bob. "I moved it up here after he went missing. It was just too painful to look at."
"Just his?" Bob wonders aloud, noticing the multiple tips. "It's double sided."
Mom nods. "It was a little too... um... girthy for me."
"What is this Sharpie line on the side?" Bob asks, making sure not to touch the dildo.
"That's his record," Mom says proudly. "It's the most he's ever been able to take."
Noticing the line is only about two inches away from the tip, Bob replies, "I guess he didn't get very far."
"He started on the other end," Mom corrects Bob.
"Oh my GOD," Bob exclaims in spite of himself. "That's too much. That's crazy."
With tears pooling in her eyes, Mom recalls, "His goal was to fit the whole thing. His face a shade of red somewhere between the dildo itself and the blood running down his thighs, he said 'Someday I'm gonna do it, baby. I'm gonna do it for us.' He was... so, so close."
"Did you say blood?" Bob asks.
A single tear runs down Mom's cheek and falls to the dusty attic floor. "He spent a lot of time at the butthole doctor."

A stroke of genius crashes into Bob's mind. He immediately reaches into the box and grabs his father's dildo despite Mom's panicked shout of "I wouldn't."
"Mom, don't you understand?" Bob cries happily. "Sergeant Scruffy has the best sniffer this town's ever seen! This marital aid is coated in Dad's scent! If he's out there, Sergeant Scruffy will find him!"
"Oh my gosh!" Mom claps excitedly.
"Can you handle the rest of the packing on your own?"
Mom walks over to her only child and rests her hands on his shoulders. "You bet your father's ass I can. Now go out there and find your father."
Bob embraces his mother in a cathartic hug and bounds toward the stairs.
"Bob!" Mom cries out from behind him.
"Yeah?"
"I'm so proud of you," she smiles.

Back downstairs, Bob finds Sergeant Scruffy eating some kibble in the kitchen. Bob attaches the dog's leash and holds the dildo in front of his nose. "Okay, Sergeant Scruffy. Find Dad!"
The german shepherd takes a long look at the dildo before taking an inquiring sniff of the entry end. The dog's pupils max out as he stares straight ahead, motionless.
"Do you have the scent, Sergeant Scruffy?" Bob asks desperately.
The dog's head slowly turns to face Bob, as if he was just seeing him for the first time. Then, without warning, the dog bolts for the front door.
"Yes! That's it, Scruffy!" Bob yells encouragement to the seasoned sniffer. "Find our dad!"

Bob gets many strange glances as he sprints through town with an enormous dildo wobbling in his left hand. Some townsfolk voice their disapproval.
"Dude, disgusting!"
"Why didn't you leave that thing at home?"
"Put that away!"
"Heh," Bob thinks to himself. "Where am I going to put THIS away? Let's just say I'm not my father's son in THAT regard."

Eventually a police cruiser pulls up next to Bob with its lights on. "Stop right there!" a voice erupts from the megaphone.
Bob reluctantly comes to a halt, thinking he can explain the situation.
A discouraged beat cop exits the cruiser and sighs. "You had to figure someone was gonna call the cops on some guy waving a dildo around in public, right?"
"I don't have time for this, I need to find my dad!" Bob argues.
"Okay, but can't you do that... y'know sans dildo?" the officer inquires.
"I don't have time to explain. He's hot on the trail!" Bob motions to Sergeant Scruffy, still with the dead-eyed determination of a dog on a mission.
The officer opens his mouth as if to speak, but then squints. "You... look familiar."
"I'm Captain Denbow's son!" Bob shouts before shaking the dildo at the officer. "This was his! And Sergeant Scruffy's the best god damn police