LogFAQs > #930110495

It's another banner day in heaven. You pour four raw oysters and a shot of mignonette sauce into a cocktail shaker. Once vigorously beaten within their stainless steel prison, you pour the concoction into a champagne flute and down the entire thing at your desk.

"You can't drink at work," Kathy whispers from behind you.
"This isn't alcohol, Kathy, It's mostly sea water and red wine vinegar," you reply before licking the rim of the glass.
"Still, I saw you grant like five prayers while you were up-ending that foul mixture down your gullet," she frowns.
You rub two fingers along the inside of the cocktail shaker before sucking them clean. "This is heaven, baby. One angel's foul mixture is another angel's sweet sea smoothie."
"Your lunch choice wasn't really my issue, it was the inattentiveness to the prayers you just fired off."
"Don't worry about my prayers, darling. I'm changing lives one click at a time," you smirk.
"Can't believe I'm still being called darling and baby in the workplace when I'm in fucking heaven," Kathy mutters to her computer.

Kathy may have a point. You take a break from furiously clicking your computer mouse to see what's actually coming across the screen. We got a desperate plea from Luca D. who's coming at you from a trampoline in Carlsberg, Germany. Luca prays, "Please let Jonas double bounce me, I need to go higher!"
Oh hell yeah, you gotta hook your boy up. You scroll your mouse over to "GRANTED" and slam it home.

You lean back in your chair and crack your knuckles. It feels good to make a difference. Just as you're moving your hand to literally pat yourself on the back, another prayer pops into your queue. This one's also coming to you from Carlsberg, Germany. No way, what are the odds? "Please God, oh please let Luca be okay. Oh my God, he's not moving. Please God, let him wake up. This is all my fault, I should have never double bounced him. Oh my God." Sincerely, Jonas P.

.... "GRANTED".

A chat window pops up on your screen. Ugh, it's from Archangel Gabriel. "Please come to my office immediately."
You rise up from your chair and float your way over to Gabriel's office. You wonder what this could be about. You fixed Luca, probably. So it's gotta be something else.

"Thank you for coming. Have a seat, Sam," Gabriel instructs you as you enter.
"Uh, sure," you say as you glide into the hardened office chair. You fidget in your seat to try to get comfortable. "Shouldn't office chairs be more comfortable in heaven?"
"You can have whatever chair you wish back at your dwelling. But work is work, Sam. Which is why I called you here."
You look down at your stained robes. "Is it because I got mignonette sauce all over the front of my robes? I know it looks unprofessional, but I'm planning on using white vinegar to get the red vinegar stains out and I don't want to be smelling white vinegar under my nose all god damn day. Know what I'm saying?" You pull a flask from your pocket and take a small swig.
"No it's not the robes, it's - oh please tell me you're not drinking in front of me," Gabriel sighs.
"Nah man, this is Sam's special sauce. I put a bunch of shrimp and cocktail sauce into a blender, which I then funneled into this flask," you pour a little onto the floor to prove your honesty.
"Okay well not on the-," he takes a deep breath. "No more on the floor, please."
"I can lap that up if you want," you offer.
"Please don't lick shrimp off the floor, we're in a meeting. Look, Sam, this is about your job performance," Gabriel says exasperated.
You shrug. "What about it?"
---

You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.