LogFAQs > #898070253

When I was a child, I had a vivid dream. I understood the significance of a wedding ring, that in the midst of a poor household, an expensive ring was an extravagance. I never knew how poor the family was until much later, but as a precocious child, I did have some idea. At least, I knew that something like a ring was extremely valued. In the dream, I hold the ring and I play with it, tossing it about and treating it with no respect. I drop the ring, and it rolls into the sewer, never to be seen again.

Despite being a dream where I am but a spectator, I still distinctly remember that painful sense of guilt. My mouth refuses to open for an apology, and my mother merely smiles like nothing is wrong and forgives. I'm sorry, as if I'm saying in my own thoughts as a spectator, but my dream self just goes off without a care in the world. Where did the ring go? How much was that ring? There's no way I can replace it. Why aren't you more mad at me, mom?

I woke up feeling guilty and sad with tears in my eyes that won't stop. I hadn't even done anything wrong in reality, nor did an actual event like this even occur, but that painful guilt somehow stuck with me even until now. Even when it didn't happen.

I had a dog, who is with my sister now with not much time left to live. She's 14 by now I think. I treated her with all the love in the world, cleaning after her, feeding her, brushing her, but she found it all so bothersome. I made sure not to feed her human food because I heard it was bad for her. Ultimately, my dog hated me and only loved my sister and my dad who kept sneaking her some of their food. My sister didn't do anything of value to take care of her, and my dad was away the all the time, but my dog wouldn't ever jump up and down for me when I came back from school like she would for them.

A boy going through puberty and growth, I've come to hate my dog. I punished her too harshly when she would poo or pee in the wrong place. Because it was me who had to clean all that shit up because nobody else would. Well if not me, then my mom would have to, and I couldn't have that. I had my things to deal with, why do I have to do this stuff for a dog that doesn't even love me?

She feared me. It was a vicious cycle of hatred where there was no reason for either of us to actually care about each other.

I had a similar vivid dream one day, where I was once again a spectator. Here, my dog loves me no matter what. She's constantly fawning over me and licking me. But I hit her. I abuse her again and again until her legs do not work. I feel fear, only towards myself who I deemed disgusting and vicious. But no matter how much I abused her, she kept crawling towards me, still fawning and licking as if she hadn't been hurt, even tho it felt like she could die at any moment. I felt so much fear and hatred for myself that I woke up.

Once again I had unending tear in my eyes and hatred for myself for something I hadn't done in reality. I went to my dog and hugged her, decided to stop my punishment every time she would do something dumb. Then our relation improved, especially as with age, it felt like she realized the kind of care required for her. It felt as though I could communicate with my dog just with a look and gesture to each other's eyes. And the cycle of hatred broke

But I fear sleeping. I hate the side of me that doesn't exist in reality, an unrelenting criminal with no guilt. Wondering that if I let loose, I may one day become that person. The thought, please don't be that person, please don't do bad things constantly run through my head, flashes of anything bad I've ever done from dumb pranks to hurting other's feelings or hurting my dog refuse to cease in my head, worrying that if they ever stop, maybe my dreams become a reality.
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