LogFAQs > #913695198

"Two shots of bourbon," you reply, wanting to switch it up from the vodka. As you plop your credit card on the table you tell the barman, "Leave the bottle if you would."
"Eh... sure," he reluctantly leaves the booze with you.
Of course, the chipper old man at the bar leaves his seat to come join you. "What're you celebrating?"
"Not celebrating anything," you say bluntly as you rip the first shot.
"Then what's the occasion?" he asks.
"My suicide attempt failed," you reply.
"Ooooohhh..." he answers uncomfortably while looking at the floor.
"I mean what did you expect?" you scold him. "Look at where we are. You think anyone in this place at this hour had a good day today?"
"Well I did," he replies cautiously.
"Hey, peaches for you, sir!" you announce as you pour him a shot of your bourbon. "Drink up."
The man waves his hand at the offering. "I'm sorry, I'll just leave you be."
"No, buddy you're in it now," you let out a sinister chuckle as you fill your own glass and raise it. "You asked. Cheers."
You clink glasses with the old timer and you both down your shots.
You remain silent as the old man shifts uncomfortably while waiting for you to speak. He clearly didn't expect to lead the conversation after being told he was in it. "Well... at the very least," he begins, "I'm glad it didn't work. Because then I wouldn't have gotten this free drink."
You give him a sidelong glance before starting to laugh in spite of yourself. You laugh harder and longer than you intend to, but eventually clap the man on the back and say, "Well that's something, isn't it? That's something... Happy to oblige."
Curiosity getting the better of the old man, he asks, "So what happened?"
You bite your lower lip and zone out into your empty glass. "I covered myself in honey and wandered into the woods, shouting for bears."
The man crosses his arms and leans back in his chair, eventually gathering the courage to say, "That's gotta be the dumbest suicide attempt I've ever heard of."
"I wanted it to look like an accident," you explain. "I feel like a tragic accident would be a lot easier to accept for my wife and mother, instead of them having to accept that I was unhappy enough to... do this."
"Well why are you so unhappy?" the man asks. "You have a wife and family, things can't be all bad, right?"
"There hasn't been a new episode of Forbidden Science in nearly ten years," you mumble.
"What was that?" he holds his hand to his ear.
"Nothing," you throw back another drink. "I'm just tired."
Sensing he's not going to get any more from you, the old man moves on. "So no bears, huh?"
"No, the police found me hollering out in the woods behind the cemetery. Turns out there weren't any bears out there anyways," you recount.
"Behind St. Harold's cemetery? Well, geeze son, there's bears out there."
"What?" you seethe.
"My grandson and I go deer hunting back there, every once in a while we see a bear pass through," he tells you.
"Son of a fucking bitch!" you bang your shot glass on the bar, drawing everyone's attention. You look down while timidly waving in apology.
"So what now?" the old man asks. "Is it back to the woods for you, or have you realized that maybe life's not done with you yet?"
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.