LogFAQs > #905275825

"911, my name is Bettie. What's your emergency?" a woman's voice with a southern twang answers your call.
"Hi, I was just walking down the street near JJ's Tavern and found a dead woman in a Scooby Doo outfit in the alleyway," you report.
"Mmhmm, and how do you know it's a woman?" she asks.
This wasn't one of the questions you were prepared to answer. You look down at the victim. The costume she's wearing is similar to what the costumes that are worn in Times Square look like, big and blocky. The only reasons you were able to tell she was a woman were her voice and her lowered hood. "Uh, wh-what?"
"She's dressed like Scooby Doo, but you knew she was a girl? Was it one of those slutty Scooby Doo costumes with her titties hanging out?" Bettie asks.
"Um, yeah," you reply. Did the 911 operator just say titties?
"And you're sure she's dead, Daddy?"
"Did you just call me Daddy?" you ask bewildered.
"Aw shit, I'm sorry, Papi. My last job before this one was a phone sex operator. I was doing that for almost twenty years. I'm still new at this and old habits die hard I guess," Bettie explains. "So there's a big breasted Scooby in an alleyway?"
"Yeah I just found her like this, so I'm calling it in. That's all I know," you inform her. Bald, jowls, Van Dyke beard. Bald, jowls, Van Dyke beard. You repeat the man's appearance in your mind over and over again. You don't want to forget him. You might not be able to tonight, but you vow you'll find a way to pass along the information soon.
"And you said the alleyway is outside JJ's Tavern?" Bettie looks for confirmation.
"Yeah it's the alley between JJ's and Mitchell's Bakery." You're not sure what the building next to JJ's is, but it's sure not a pretend bakery.
"Okay," Bettie replies. "And it's still alright if I call you Daddy?"
"Yeah, sure. Whatever," you squirm.
"Does it make you horny?" Bettie whispers.
"Focus, Bettie!" you shout, avoiding the question.
"You need to remain calm, sir! I'm trying to help the best I can," Bettie defends herself. "Now, did you check her pulse?"
"Yep."
"And?"
"She's been shot like three times, so...it wasn't a great pulse," you answer.
Bettie follows up with, "It wasn't strong, but there was a pulse?"
"I don't what I felt, Bettie. Can you just send someone over?" you plead.
"Okay, as I send the police over, I want you to close your eyes. Picture me taking off my blouse and covering the victim's perky Scoobs," Bettie breathes intimately into her headset.
"You're so professional, Bettie. I can't tell you're new at this at all," you compliment her.
"As you release a single tear for all the needless violence in this world, I unzip my skirt and reveal I haven't been wearing any panties this whole time. I quickly-"
"Bettie! Do you need anything else from me?" you cut her off.
"Just one more question, Daddy."
"What is it?"
"Are you turned on?" she says softly.
"NO, BETTIE! I'M NOT TURNED ON, I'M ONLY SCARED!" you admit shamefully. "Are the police on the way?!"
"Yes, they're on-"

You drop Scooby's cell phone once you hear the confirmation. It lands directly on the victim's chest hole and causes a small blood splash. Luckily, none of the blood from the splash got on you. Unluckily, the blood pool below the woman expanded while you were on the phone with a 911 operator who is surely to be fired in a matter of hours. The front half of your shoes are now standing in a blood puddle.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.