LogFAQs > #888900896

When I first started posting here on the social boards, I had already accepted my life as it was, and had learned to content with it. I believed the past was gone, and the future could be better. I could brush off criticisms, because you guys didn't really know who I was as a person, so I couldn't take it personally. Visiting here was just something to do to pass the time, and wasn't important to me. I was still dealing with anxiety though, which made me overly cautious when posting, and I hadn't fully realized how bad my depression was.

The longer I posted here, the more comfortable I became, and somehow people started to notice me and liked me. So I began to open up about my life, and finally found out how good it felt to be able to talk about that stuff without the threat of violence. However, because of that, the criticisms did begin to bother me, because now they were actual judgements of me as a person, instead of the things I carefully chose to post before. At the same time, I was seeing how people lived their lives normally. I realized what all I had missed out on by being shut away from everybody for so long, and it began to really affect me in a negative way. I began to feel hopeless for the first time, but st that point you guys were mostly still being very supportive, so it didn't feel like a big issue.

The real problem hit when venting to you guys became a habit, and I guess I began craving attention and reassurance. My hopelessness began to bleed through to my posts, and I adopted the negativity into who I was as a poster. I began to just barf up all my negative feelings to you guys, still expecting the same treatment I got from when I was a positive person. Then I was diagnosed with depression, and put on medication, and went through a short round of therapy which was awful, and nearly killed myself twice. Things were too much for me to handle, and I have no idea how I was ever content with my life before, it must've been some powerful denial going on or something.

This new me is the opposite of who I was when I first arrived here. He was content, and hopeful, and shrugged off hurtful things like they were nothing. Now I'm bitter, and negative, hopeless, and take everything to heart. I want to get back to who I used to be, but I feel I'm too damaged now and that I can't.

Several of you had mentioned before that I'm just a parody of who I used to be. I was offended by that then, but I see now what you guys meant. It's no wonder the posters here who dislike me really dislike me. Oh well. I guess I'm just going to try and be more positive in general from now on, but being so negative has become such a habit. It might be tough to break,

tldr: I'm a much worse person now than I was before, and I don't blame anyone for disliking who I've become.
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
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