Last weekend I had to attend my son's wake. It turns out that he is even more boring in death than he was in life, so I had to sit there playing or my phone while a few of his dumb little classmates filtered in and out to tell me how sorry they were for my loss.
I was just hanging out in the back of the funeral home, eating an Olive Garden breadsticks sandwich I had brought from home and getting Hard (I had brought a Mike's Hard from home as well) when I noticed my cousin, Ross, walk into the funeral parlor.
I rolled my eyes. Ross is even MORE annoying than my (dead) son. He does not care about the code of bushido, reads inferior western novels with no pictures, and, worst of all, is an ardent console gamer. I knew that the second Ross saw me, he would want to start a debate about console gaming.
I noticed Ross walking up to me and greeted him. As many of you know, I am a huge Amiibo collector, so I tried to at least be cordial with him. "Sorry for your loss, boss," said Ross, looking cross. "By the way, did you get a chance to play the new Tomb Raider on Xbox One?"
I rolled my eyes. The console debate was beginning. "The game is hot," Ross stated, "and coincidentally, the Earth has not been getting much hotter. There simply is not enough Carbon being pumped into the atmosphere to create any sort of tangible climate change, and the records we have of climate change long-term are inconclusive and inaccurate at best. Global Warming is a myth."
I sighed. This was the same tired debate console gamers had been spouting for years, and I did not want to entertain it. "The new Tomb Raider does look pretty cool," I admitted, "but I believe that we can already see the effects of climate change in our world today, and records such as ice cores can provide good evidence of climate change. It is a universally agreed concept that the climate is changing in some way and it is an issue to consider."
Ross appeared visibly upset. I could tell that poking holes in his precious console gaming argument was pissing him off. However, it was when Ross reached into his the pockets of his JNCO jeans that I knew something was wrong.
"He's got a bomb!" I yelled, as I saw Ross pull a detonator out. All of a sudden, a single gunshot rang out and Ross collapsed to the ground. Standing in the back of the funeral home was Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders, revolver in hand.
"I knew that climate change would cause this act of terrorism," said Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders. "I just want this world to be safe for my great, great, grandchildren once my brittle old bones are buried deep within the earth, and Gaia reclaims my spirit."
I dragged Ross' corpse into my son's casket and closed the lid, hoping the funeral director would give me a bulk funeral discount. Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders came over and shook my hand. "My boy, this certificate I hold is good for 10% off any appetizer at Longhorn Steakhouse. I was going to use it to celebrate my upcoming 200th birthday, but instead I would like you to use it to buy yourself a fine order of Texas Cheese Fries."
"Likewise," Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders continued, "I would like you to become my new son. As soon as you convert to Judaism, I will call you Toby Shinobi-Sanders and we will have a catch."
Democratic Icon Bernie Sanders then kissed me on the cheek, and like that, he was gone. I put in my earbuds and rode out the rest of the stupid wake. Overall, it was a good day!