LogFAQs > #976907879

Greenfox111 posted...

things are going well for all of you

I've finally moved into an apartment after dreaming about the notion for many years. I feel somewhat blindsided, since I didn't really mean to achieve that dream so soon; it was just sort of born out of a need to escape a bad living arrangement. Now, I don't really have any more goals, a fact that exacerbates my existential dread. I don't know what I want; I can barely enjoy anything anymore.

In any case, after two decades or so, my OCD-like symptoms of needing to compulsively clean things have manifested again, and are proving to be very cumbersome to me. I find myself always trying to recall how clean some objects are, before placing them in close contact with another set of objects. I've relapsed into my long-forgotten habit of assigning "cleanliness levels" to stuff I own. It's proving to be a real time-waster; this is unfortunate, because I'm starting to realize how little time I truly have left, and how I had taken it for granted. I can no longer feel comfortable in my own home as a result of my OCD-like tendencies. I feel like I'm just wiping things down half the time, because of contaminants I suspect those things of having. Even I'm starting to get tired of it. Recently, I rediscovered a long-lost car-seat stain that I had assumed to be a non-issue; these past few days have been stressful, with my panicking over it and such. I got it taken care of by a professional today, thankfully, so hopefully I need not worry about it anymore. Of course, my thoughts still wander to worrying over other stains that I may have overlooked. It's just tiring, to say the least.

Lately, I have not been able to "feel" my surroundings, in the sense that they feel real to me. It's all just background noise to me, unfortunately. Unfortunately, the background noise includes those with whom I interact on a daily basis. My mind is almost always pre-occupied with some daydream, memory, musing, or other such nonsense. This proves detrimental to my day-to-day functioning; others may see me as spaced-out, and indeed, I may have trouble processing my surroundings as a result of my chronic dissociation problems. Trauma from my childhood often creeps into my mind uninvited; this also hinders my ability to function. Writing about it helps to an extent; I don't really trust the people I talk to with my problems. I feel like I'm a prisoner of my own mind sometimes. When I'm with others, this feeling is mitigated to some degree; it's silly, but I feel a bit of guilt by passively using others for this purpose. But then again, my co-workers choose to come to work of their own free will, and not necessarily for my benefit.

Speaking of work, I've been unpopular as of late, as a result of my sociophobic tendencies. Social activity or lack thereof aside, work has been stagnant; not much seems to require my attention. I've been contemplating hard about transferring to a position that is a bit more challenging. I've promised myself that I would not start looking until I have a passable coding portfolio that I'm not ashamed to showcase. Unfortunately, that portfolio only consists of one half-finished item. I'm not feeling very confident in my prospects; I still feel like I have to code a few more projects before I can be taken seriously.

So much has seemed to happen this week. I've hardly had much time to relax, and enjoy myself.