LogFAQs > #976846469

posting from my pc at gmoms

okay what can i catch-up... let's start from last night recap: gbro was blasting music from 11 to midnight during which I kept going between my room and gdad's room because I'm honestly concerned for him, I already know he struggles to sleep and this is just pure hell with it especially blasting in the spare room where gdad stays. eventually it gets to the point gdad says if I don't like it I can go to gmom's - and I say yeah it's kind of hitting that point for me that I cannot take this situation and I may have to

next day dialogues with gsis, he's mad and blaming her for "convincing" me to go to my moms as if it's not y'know, the entire mess ass situation that I don't feel safe and am too afraid to even move in. more dialogue now with gmom who's meeting up with gdad and planning out a way for me to safely get out and move my things which gdad isn't happy with. comes home screaming about all the stress he's under, gbro then says he's going to toronto again to get his wallet, gdad is panicked again and begs him not to break his 11pm curfew and cost gdad $5000 - which gbro interprets as a threat and queue massive screaming match I mentioned above, but actually including some shocking truths from gdad about all of gbro's problems are entirely self-inflicted, which gbro screamingly denies. gets to the point where gdad's even yelling at him to get out which is amazing but as the fight continues he backs down to mediating mode just trying to stop the fight and that's when you can tell gdad's resetting his delusion back to "that didn't happen" mode.

gdad takes gbro to train station at which point gmom encourages me to take this opportunity and leave but I say no I need to at least talk to dad and communicate my need to leave... but he comes back already primed with anger and starts the conversation off blaming everything on gmom and gmom's partner for being evil in not supporting gbro and I just have to sit through this ranting for a while. I ask him to let me speak where I try to explain that this isn't a living environment I can handle but he just keeps interrupting me. I get him to focus on my words for one second as I try to explain that I desperately do not WANT to leave but I just don't feel saf- oh he just cuts me off again sarcastically telling me to just go then except he's clearly gaslighting me because he's not fine with it at all. as he rambles into how he wants to sell the place and move to italy.

at this point I give up. he isn't listening to what I want to communicate, he doesn't WANT to hear what I have to say, literally to the point where he's actually doing the cliche'd childish "LALALA I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT" shit which always feels really good when you're trying to pour your heart out. so whatever that's it all I can do is finish packing and go as he keeps interjecting every few minutes to berate me and gmom and gmompartner and say how he's done with everyone. I literally scream begging him to quit the abuse, quote, that the's breaking my very soul as he continues these ramblings but he just won't stop until his comments get to saying he should leave right now and I just agree - please do, goodbye.

so yeah that's definitely the emotional low point for me this week. I'm very good at understanding my dad's unreasonable behaviour which helps me deal with it, but it's not an excuse for his behaviour. I fully understand that yeah there's a whole massive heap of shit he's under with gbro - and while it is also self-inflicted because of the way he insists on protecting gbro who's clearly beyond off the deep end, that emotional turmoil is still going to have gdad on the complete edge of his rope. I get that, 100%, but also the fact that it's still incredibly abusive to me and I don't deserve that.

I also understand that a lot of the shit he says about leaving us all is a complete load of bullshit. like I've mentioned with the way gdad always resets back into denial accepting whatever heinous shit gbro does, I know that it does also apply to the rest of us. he does have these horrible outbursts when he's overwhelmed, that he eventually cools off from and does turn back on. in the moment gdad is impossible to stop ranting no matter how much you plead, unless he's faced with someone like gbro who is the exact same except without any limit.. unlike gbro however, these things always eat at him for the next few hours or days and he does have a history of reflecting and apologizing... that's something gbro is absolutely not capable of ever doing.

on the plus side gdad is trying to book an appointment with our psychologist which is something he's resisted doing for years, but after his recent experience last week he actually enjoyed it and now he's taking it seriously. I do hope that works out for him and he doesn't turn dismissive when the psychologist points out his own failings in these situations.