I was shooting heroin and reading The Fountainhead in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
Bad news, detective. We got a situation.
What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?
Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars worth of bitcoins.
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?
Not yet. But mark my words: were going to figure out who did this and were going to take them down provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.
Easy, chief, I said. Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.
He laughed. Thats why youre the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.
Dont worry, I said. Im on it.
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
Home Depot Presents the Police! I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. Nobody move unless you want to! They didnt.
Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime? No one spoke up.
Come on, I said. Dont you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?
It didnt seem like they did.
Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, Im just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.