LogFAQs > #882235580

[...] are stupid and I don't respect them. That's right, I just have sex with them.

I'm a cegal and I've had [...] threaten to [...] me multiple times

Gujira is fucking hot

I feel like the decision to take care of my paralyzed mom was a mistake. I've been here for five years. I dont have the time to go to school and I'm always between jobs because I take off too much time for her or (just once) I have to leave in the middle of the shift for her. I'm embarrassed because most of my friends have left me behind to live excellent lives they moved to big towns or cities and are doing something with themselves.

Me? I'm stuck here. Wasting away. I had to drop out because of this. I have no real experience and I just feel like a failure all the time. I admit, the "lazy millennial" thing gets to me a lot because I was a very hard worker, back when I was working and going to school at the same time, before she got sick. But things didn't line up and I'm ashamed of all I havent accomplished now.

I'm ashamed of my depression and I don't have anyone to talk to. The few friends that haven't left town, don't have it great either, but they have freedom and I envy them. I envy my older sister for shirking all her responsibilities and just leaving town with her boyfriend. I wish I were strong enough to do that.

It takes a certain amount of strength to abandon my mom I think. Sometimes I envision leaving her in a nursing home, knowing she would become depressed and lonely to try and live out my dreams but I am too weak. The guilt eats at me. I cant do that to her. She's not happy, but at least shes not miserable. I wish I were either strong enough to leave or [...] myself, but I am a coward.

Sometimes I think about how nice it would be if she died and I am disgusted by myself. She wouldn't have to suffer the pain and the lonliness (Im all she has, she never married and all her other friends and kids stopped visiting a long time ago.) She wouldn't have to struggle and she doesn't want to be resuscitated if she were to ever begin to die. But she became paralyzed at a very young age (46) so this is our life now.

I guess I'm posting this here because I know everyone will think awful of me because of the things i have said and CE will just follow me around the board and bring it up in topics that dont have to do with it or make fun of my mom to trigger me or get me to "meltdown" because thats what passes for fun.

I'm weak, disgusting, humiliated by my failures, and just stuck.