LogFAQs > #983665146

Home on the Range
Originally released April 2, 2004

There was a time in my life where I had never seen Home on the Range. Unfortunately, that time is now over.

This movie begins with Roseanne Barr narrating and I feel my insides shrivel up because this is the voice I'm going to be hearing for the next hour and a half of my life. She's voice acting a cow named Maggie who's being sold to a farm, where they make a bunch of jokes about how fat she is before revealing that the farm is bankrupt and due to be sold in three days. Feeling an absurd amount of immediate loyalty, Maggie enlists the other two cows, Grace and Mrs. Calloway, to go ask a horse for more time so they can win the state fair, because horses have that kind of authority in the first place.

Arriving at the town, they start a bar brawl before meeting up with the horse, Buck, who dreams of being a kung-fu hero. He gets his chance when he hears that legendary bounty hunter Rico is coming to town in order to capture the rustler Alameda Slim, and is loaned to him because apparently bounty hunters don't own their own horses. The three cows are accidentally tied to the wrong wagon and led to a herd of incredibly horny bulls who want to have sex with them. Mercifully, this is interrupted by the timely arrival of Alameda Slim and his Three Dipshit Nephews, who unmercifully yodels for about three or four minutes to hypnotize the cows and bulls into following him. Except Grace, who's immune to his yodeling because she's tonedeaf. This ability of hers never comes into play in a meaningful way.

The three main cows manage to get separated from the herd before Slim brings them back to his hideout, and Maggie vows revenge. The other two cows don't give a shit and want to go home, and I empathize with them. But after a peg-legged jackrabbit tells them where Slim's hiding out, they go to capture him for the reward money. Buck gets ditched by Rico because he's annoying as hell and decides to go capture Slim as well to prove himself a hero.

I realized while taking a leak mid-review that I mixed up the order of events in the above paragraph. Trust me, it changes nothing if I go back and change it. Nobody cares.

Buck gets stopped at the door by Slim's buffalo, who's working as a bouncer. He lets the three cows through because cows are allowed through, and Buck figures he has to try and find a different way in. He convinces Rico's new horse to ditch him and somehow makes it inside the mine. Grace brutally rips off the jackrabbit's tail so she can plug the other three cows' ears, and after all the stolen cattle are loaded on a train to be sold, they attack and tie him up in a mine cart. There's a slapstick chase where possession of the unconscious Slim is passed back and forth between the cows, Buck, Rico, and the Three Dipshit Nephews, and in the end the abduction fails and the cows end up on the train instead.

Rico is revealed to be on Slim's payroll, covering his tracks while pretending to bounty hunt him. Buck says "fuck you" and goes back to the train to free the cows with kung-fu, and then they steal the train and drive off to the farm before Slim can buy it. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that this is all a scheme to buy up land cheap as a revenge that's never elaborated on. The villain's motivation and reason to buy land "for revenge" is literally never elaborated on.

Anyway, they drive the train onto the farm just as it's sold to Slim and he's about to sign the deed. All the farm animals beat him up and he's handed over to the sheriff for the reward money, which is conveniently the exact same amount as the debt owed to the bank. The farm is saved and all the animals win first place at the county fair, somehow. I don't know how three separate cows can all win first place. Two of the incredibly horny bulls and Slim's buffalo show up to the farm so they can get laid. I don't want to be around anymore. The End.

This movie should have been released a day earlier than it was, because I'm pretty sure it was made as a joke. The animation would be insulting as a Disney Channel series, never mind a movie they actually, somehow, released in theaters. I can't imagine families taking their kids to see this in an actual theater and ANYBODY leaving happy. There's not a single character who's likeable, there's not a single joke that lands, there's not a single moment of tension or genuine emotion or well-animated scene.

I literally don't know how this movie got released in the state it's in. It's borderline insulting to its audience, and everybody involved in making it should be ashamed of themselves. It's so bad that I'm retroactively bumping Fantasia up to 3/10 in my blind rage, because not only does it need to score lower than every other movie I've seen so far, but there needs to be a gulf between them.

Final Score: 1/10