Might as well get this out of the way before the Heat game.
Entry 4: HEEL TURN IT SUCKS, HAR HAR.
No, really, by far the best of the three stories that is not my own. For one for 99% of the story you have proper grammar and know how to construct sentences, which I can be grateful for! Like I said earlier grammar isn't everything but gosh darn it grammar is nice. I like how in this story you gave a bit of flavor to the characters. Everyone felt like they had some depth to them, which is always good for a short story. Things like nicknames and good use of perspective really showed themselves within this piece. Earlier I talked about getting inside the head of people and you did this really well in the story. Thematically you did a good job and it fits the theme well, which makes my humorous take look all the more sad if I have to be truthful. I like to write humorous things but when in direct competition with serious subject matter I start to wilt even though I thought I did a good job with my own punchlines. What I am trying to say is I think this story made mine look bad, which is good for you!
Now the bad parts. I would advise against using cliches in your writing in terms of figures of speech. They jar the reader out of their experience. When you said that a 12 year old was 'wise beyond her years" I honestly rolled my eyes. When you catch yourself doing that don't be afraid to switch it up but mean the same thing. "She was oddly keen for a girl at her age" or something, anything, other than those figures of speech. An experienced reader will have read them too much as it is, you don't want to lessen the impact of your writing by taking people out of their appreciation of it.
I thought your characterization of the villain was good but your execution of him was bad. The idea was great, but his speech didn't sell it for me. He spoke... too casual. It is a hard thing to critique because I am unsure exactly what I was looking for but I just know he spoke wrong for how you developed him. Too easily frustrated and allowed his captive to see it. Too sloppy for a man who had killed so many. Too unimposing from an evil, wicked man. One of the hardest things to learn, and something I am not good enough at to be able to help others with it, is to make an impact with your words. To be explosive. To have the evil drip from the words. Something just felt off. I also thought the premise was a bit unrealistic because a 12 year old just couldn't handle that without completely cracking, which should have pleased the man.
Anyway Heat time. Ifd you want to discuss it more I'd be glad to.
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http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPG
The Cult of Personality.