Okay it seems there has been a mutiny here so I am forced to ...sigh, help.
I am of course being overly dramatic, I love helping! I have just been stupidly busy with Diablo/Life recently :D.
Entry 1:
First off you should remember the golden rule of using two commas in a sentence: If you can't take away what is between the two commas and form a cohesive sentence you have misused your commas. You were guilty of this in your third sentence, while your second sentence has an unneeded comma after the word 'shining' which completely breaks up the flow of a sentence that is flowery in its composition which requires it to have that flow. Also you confused your tense between “appearing” and “disappeared” and really made this sentence awkward to read. Don't be afraid to try sentence variation such as “no clouds marred the sky as...” or something. You say the same thing but with more elegance and less clumsiness.
Same comma problem, different paragraph. I think my tip about taking out the middle and reading the sentence will prove to be really useful to your writing in the future. I used to make the same mistake until someone gave me that easy tip about removing the middle part and seeing if what remained made sense. Drill it into your head and you won't make the mistake nearly as often. Also you commented on how the sun was still up even though in the previous sentence you said it disappeared. A silly error that I tend to overlook mostly because silly errors like that are bound to happen in anything, but not if you are careful with your proof reading which you should be any time you submit something as a matter of pride. There is more tense confusion in this paragraph as well that makes it a pain to read. Also I am aware there are some time travel aspects to this story but it doesn't excuse tense issues of this nature.
“That man passing me by, for example” is really just a bad sentence overall. It gives the reader nothing at all. It is cheeky without the wit required to pull off cheeky. It feels very tacked on and cheap. Like a piece of plastic.
I am not sure if this was meant to be confusing, but if it was it wasn't the good type of confusion that comes from clever wordplay and purposeful misdirection. A lot of the sentences near the story's climax are just so garbled and they aren't as cool and badass as you likely believe. It really stilts the writing when you use conventions like stopping mid thought to redirect and not describing the story's lone action sequence's climax with anything other than a single word, it didn't feel satisfying at all.
The concept was interesting, maybe the most interesting of the four, but it was overall poorly executed due to a bit of a misunderstanding of some basic conventions and some poor decision making in sentence structure and word choice.
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http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPG
The Cult of Personality.