Lurker > HotLap

You can't just do this.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

It's @Parappa09. He makes me squirt so hard I need an IV.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

I just finished Season 2 tonight. I think episode 6 was my favorite episode of the series. The scenes with Jonas and Michael were fucking heartbreaking.

As for the final scene, Adam and Noah have been talking about a new world/paradise ever since they were introduced, so it's not super farfetched that other worlds actually exist. After this season, I've got faith the writers will stick the landing.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Gaetz is literally screaming because Mueller wont discuss an on-going investigation that Mueller is not a part of.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

I knew he was going to defer to the report at almost every instance but here I am anyways.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Want You In My Room slaps so hard. Honestly, that entire album is an incredibly horny masterpiece.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

You keepin' it tight, you little minx?
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Pension/Defined Benefit Admin Consultant
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Gimme a 30 of the Genny Cream Ale for 17 dollars.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

It was a hit job by Old Granddad.
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Oooh lemme try.

A skeleton walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a whiskey neat. In fact, leave the bottle."
The bartender pours him the whiskey and says, "What's on your mind, friend?"
The skeleton downs the drink and pours himself another. Whiskey is dripping down his ribcage onto the stool and eventually the floor. "Sandra is going to leave me soon. She hasn't said the word divorce, but it's gotta be hiding under her tongue at this point."
The bartender wipes down some glasses and tries to avoid eye contact because, well it's just fuckin eyeholes and that's creepy to look at. "Have you guys seen a marriage counselor?"
"No. We should have seen psychiatrists before we met," the skeleton mutters as he adds to his waterfall. "Our only interests were drinking together and watching TV until we fell asleep next to one another. That was enough for a time. We were lonely. We were sad. We were afraid to leave."
The bartender stares down the length of the bar praying for another patron to show up.
"Eventually, Sandra needed more. And I don't blame her. She went back to school and got her Masters degree," the skeleton drones on as his puddle grows. "She got a better job and has made so many new friends. And the truth is, I'm so proud of her. But I've been proud while drunk on the couch."
The bartender puts down his towel and slowly reaches for the bottle.
The skeleton snatches the bottle before the bartender can and pours himself another drink. "She's tried to help me too. She still loves me and just wants to give me what she's already given herself. What if we were only together because we were those two lonely, broken people all those years ago? What if we grow and change and we turn into people who are not supposed to be together anymore?"
The bartender sighs. "Then that's okay."
The skeleton stops himself mid sip and asks, "What?"
The bartender rests an elbow on the bar and tells him, "Just because you put two broken pieces together, that doesn't mean it's fixed. You can't solve a puzzle if all the pieces are flimsy and broken. They've got to be sturdy. Drinking can be nice, TV can be nice, and being proud of someone you love can be great. But it won't make you strong."

The skeleton nods and gets up from the bar before profusely apologizing for leaving his wallet in his other pelvis. He swears he'll come back and pay his bill, but for a while he doesn't. Six months later, he returns and hands the bartender sixty dollars. The skeleton has been sober for five months now. Unfortunately, the skeleton was right. He and Sandra weren't as compatible when they were sober, leading to their separation. They're still friends, thankfully. Sandra's dating an accountant named Derek now. The skeleton is delighted at how great Sandra and Derek seem together, even though he still misses her. The bartender offers the skeleton a round on the house, but the skeleton declines. He's heading to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in fifteen minutes.

And even though he has NO BODY to go with, he feels strong.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

SmidgeIsntBack posted...

mobilebloechel posted...

Bring back cryptozoologist too

@HotLap

If only. My FakeZoologist got banned years ago and I cant remember what for. Probably justified though.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

my round clam and my browned yam
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Would you dab on work?
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Foppe posted...

Havent seen an ugly pic in this topic.

I got you, fam.

https://imgur.com/uPCBlHi
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

You ever dab on your patients?
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

@bossjony
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

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Warren got the much easier draw going tonight. If she doesnt absolutely wipe the floor with everyone there, itll be a loss.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Dog MAULS elderly neighbor trying to deliver cookies. She SUCCUMBED to her INJURIES. Is the dogs owner hot?
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Woman loses ARM at Six Flags due to EXTREME SAFETY VIOLATIONS. Is she FUCKABLE?
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Update before the weekend is over. I need to take time to mourn how terribly the NBA draft went for the Celtics.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Show your work.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

We got a tie, gang.
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B
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Badump.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Shirts off, parking lot, lets fight.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

"Okay, can I everyone's attention?" you call out as everyone gathers around. You sigh. Maybe Todd was right. They'll never learn, but maybe they can be manipulated into being safe. "This shit right here is exactly why we need safety regulations! But I know going through another seminar will be torture for everyone. So I'm just going to post the rules on the wall and if we go FIVE DAYS without a violation, you'll all get a pretty sweet prize."
"What's the prize?" Goblin Jon inquires from the floor.
Having no idea what you're going to offer them, you announce, "I'll let you know when we get close, but trust me - you're gonna love it."
Murmurs of excitement flow through the warehouse.

You nod at Barnswallow Bill. "How'd you get your nickname? You swallow something weird in a barn?"
Bill shakes his head and laughs. "I didn't swallow anything."
"He likes birds," Gay Tim chimes in with a single tear on his cheek. "A barn swallow is a type of bird."

What are you going to offer the gang to bribe them into being safe?

A) Muthafuckin' meat lover's pizza.
B) Organize a raid on the Peruvians to avenge Hefty Hector.
C) Stop sending the money upstairs to the Floris family and instead distribute it among the staff.
D) Allow the gang members to choose their own nicknames.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

"You guys are missing the bigger picture here, fellas! This ship hasn't had a captain in years and it's still sailing," you shake Ted.
Tim looks at his feet for a moment before asking, "Do we want to fuck with that though?"
You shrug. "I don't know..."
Gary pushes his tongue into his bottom lip and shapes his hands into fists. "Hector died for this gang. And he didn't even know who he was fighting for."
"Maybe he was fighting for all of us," you pat his shoulder. "And maybe we fight for him."
"Every gun deal, every drug shipment, and every working girl has a cut being sent upstairs," Smilin' Gary seethes. "Who has been going to all these years?"
"Whoever's sitting in the chair at the time," you respond. "But before you make any rash decisions, all of you need to ask yourself one thing. Did you get into gang life to fight for Penelope, Abe, or Flynn? Or would you have found your way into this life anyways?"
"What got you into gang life?" Tim asks you.
You close your eyes as a smile drifts across your face. "The first gang I ever worked for had a really innovative payroll software. I'd never seen anything like it."
"I baet 'twas a sight teh see, lad."
"Okay, you gotta stop with the British accent, Ted. It's truly horrendous to listen to," you scold him.
"But it's my na-"
"Where are you from?" you demand.
"Oh, it's just a wee village on the isle of-" Ted starts.
"Where are you from really?" you cut him off.
"I'm... I'm from Boise," he replies with no accent.
"Good, talk like you're from Boise," you plead. "Just because your nickname is British Ted, that doesn't mean you have to be British."
Gay Tim drops the bag he was packaging and rapidly taps his foot on the floor. "What?!"
"...Yeah I mean... have you honestly ever seen Smilin' Gary smile?" you ask Gay Tim.
"No no no, but I've... I've done so much," Tim whimpers. "To so many dudes. I'm not even gay!"
"Well yeah, no shit," you say matter of factly. "Nobody who's actually gay behaves the way you do. You behave like a straight guy pretending to be gay."
"While actually performing all the sex acts though," Smilin' Gary smirks, for maybe the first time in his life.
"This... can't be. It's been four years," Gay Tim slumps down in the chair behind him.
"Well who gave you that nickname?" you wonder aloud.
"It was... It was Horny Roger," he replies as he finally puts all the pieces together in his head. Tim puts his face in his hands. "Oh my God... I had a girlfriend before all this."

You hear a yell from across the warehouse and see Goblin Jon trapped under a pallet of heroin. "Help!"
You can't help but admire that whoever nicknamed this fucking idiot got it right on the money. You run over with Barnswallow Bill, Notorious Greg, and Fastball Jeff to lift the pallet off of Goblin Jon.
"What the hell were you thinking?" you berate him.
"Well I thought if Meth Carlton could do it, maybe I could too," Goblin Jon replies as he nurses his injured legs.
You rub your temples in frustration. "Meth Carlton is on his super drugs and you shit blood this morning. Use the forklift! Where is Meth Carlton anyways?"
"He finished moving his pallets already, so now he's outside digging a hole," Horny Roger explains.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

B) Todd is a murderer, but his idea was solid. Offer positive reinforcement for safety compliance.
C) Try to figure out who the hell is giving orders here.

You take a deep breath. "You know what, Brent? It's your lucky day, Todd is in his office right now."
"Todd..." you see the wheels churning behind Brent's eyes. "Todd who? Todd Floris?"
You stare at Brent dumbfounded. "Wha-? Yes! Of course Todd Floris! Who the fuck else-... Nevermind. I have shit to do," you grumble as you push your way past the likely new gang leader.
"Todd Floris... is he a distant cousin or something?" Brent mumbles as he boards the elevator.

You can't believe this is how upper management operates. There's no communication between them and the general staff, which makes your job basically impossible. You make your way back into the warehouse where your eyes fall upon Smilin' Gary, British Ted, and Gay Tim transferring pounds of cocaine into several smaller baggies for distribution. You stroll over to their tables and spot all three of them start rubbing their noses at the sight of you.

"Really?" you throw your arms up. "It's been like twenty minutes since I asked you not to do drugs at work."
"We just work faster this way," Smilin' Gary protests. "You wouldn't understand. You're just sitting behind that desk all day. We're on our feet, using our hands-"
"It's bloody manual labor, mate," British Ted interrupts in a terrible, clearly fake cockney accent.
"Besides, it seems to work for Meth Carlton," Gary objects.
The four of you watch as Meth Carlton lifts an entire wooden pallet of heroin off of a box truck and carry it across the warehouse. His eyes are the size of dinner plates and you can hear him grinding his teeth from twenty yards away.
"Holy shit those are some productive minutes right there," you mutter in spite of yourself.
Gary nods. "See?"
"If it makes you feel any better, this won't be the only white substance going up my nose today," Tim chuckles.
"It absolutely does not," you grimace. "Alright look, I'm not gonna bust you, but how do you think the boss man would react if he found out you were stealing his product?" you ask the trio.
You see the three consider the consequences quietly. "Not... not well probably," Gay Tim. "And don't you mean boss woman?"
You see Smilin' Gary and British Ted exchange confused glances.
You sigh. Just as you thought. "I'll do you guys one better. Who told you to do this? Who do you think is in charge right now?"
The group looks to Tim first. "It's Penelope," he answers as if it's obvious. "She's been in charge for years."
"I would bet my life that neither Ted nor Gary knows who the fuck Penelope is," you reply.
Tim laughs. "Hehe, well that's ridicul-" he trails off as he peeks over at the others and realizes you were telling the truth. "Well what the hell happened to Penelope?"
"She was probably killed a long time ago," you answer.
"By who?" Tim demands angrily.
"Oh shit," Smilin' Gary whispers. "You think Abe killed her? And that's why he's in charge now?"
"Maybe. But he's not in charge either. He's dead too." You see British Ted open his mouth to start to speak, but you cut him off. "And yes, Ted. Flynn killed Abe and took his place. But I just found out Flynn's been dead for two weeks."
"So who the fuck's in charge now?" Gary asks.
You shrug. "As of ten minutes ago it was Todd Floris, but I just saw Brent Floris get on the elevator so it's anyone's guess."
British Ted bangs the table. "And you daen't try teh stop 'im, lad? That's our bloody leader, you wanker!"
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Oh shit this almost purged. My bad, yesterday I was wiped. I can tomorrow FOR SURE THIS TIME.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Ken is a lucky man.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

bossjony posted...

@HotLap

Im calling the police.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Update tomorrow probably.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Ilishe posted...

Taako from the Adventure Zone

Yes yes yes.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

MabusIncarnate posted...

How dare you disgrace Dobby's name

This is Dobby living his best life.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

GiftedACIII posted...

Wtf

Indeed. Why the fuck didn't Dobby feel comfortable sharing this side of him with the public sixteen years ago? He is a wonderful, complete soul that deserves to be celebrated.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

He is a slave only to passion now.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

I called the head of Payless
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Lol he said the trophy will stay in Toronto for years to come.

Kawhi is leaving pal.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

CanuckCowboy posted...

HotLap posted...

CanuckCowboy posted...

HotLap posted...

Man I was rooting for the Raps at the start of this series, but I wanted the Warriors dynasty to be taken down at full strength. It sucks to see it end this way.

Fuck it, Im pulling for the Warriors to win.

Lrn2sports

It sucks a bit but thats absurd.

I live in Boston, my man. Ive had sports privilege for 20 years. I dont know how to root for neutral teams anymore.

You think injuries in the finals are new or some shit. Cmon

Also how is that even a relevant response? Fuck Boston. Fick the bruins. Lol

I mean judging from your username, youre a Raptors fan. I get you want to win. But as a neutral fan, I want to see the stars play. Seeing all the stars get hurt isnt satisfying for a neutral fan.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

CanuckCowboy posted...

HotLap posted...

Man I was rooting for the Raps at the start of this series, but I wanted the Warriors dynasty to be taken down at full strength. It sucks to see it end this way.

Fuck it, Im pulling for the Warriors to win.

Lrn2sports

It sucks a bit but thats absurd.

I live in Boston, my man. Ive had sports privilege for 20 years. I dont know how to root for neutral teams anymore.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Man I was rooting for the Raps at the start of this series, but I wanted the Warriors dynasty to be taken down at full strength. It sucks to see it end this way.

Fuck it, Im pulling for the Warriors to win.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Had to do it to em.
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That's gangster, brother.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Yikes, not much of a turnout for this one, huh?
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

UnfairRepresent posted...

HotLap posted...

I pet.

But the sign says don't pet

But I pet.
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I pet.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

It was BillyAssGunnMan, but he has forsaken us. He was too good for this place.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.