Lurker > HotLap

lleb ocat
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

My name is AssMuff and my mouth is not my loosest sphincter.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

A nice enema station.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Bump.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

"Um..." she begins. You pick her up without waiting for a response. As you wind up, she yells, "I think I'd rather just swim!"
"Suit yourself!" you say you heave her into the water with a large splash. As the woman resurfaces you can see several other people floating in the harbor in a desperate attempt to flee their burning vessels. You quickly dash ahead two additional yachts, now standing by the railing of the last one between you and the dock. It looks like for the time being, you have enough dock to jump to. However, there are three policemen who drew their guns and pointed them at you the second you emerged from the darkness. "On your knees!"
Hmm. Nope. You duck under the railing and move to the other side of the boat, looking over the ocean. Many yachters are in a desperate attempt to get their vessels started to head for safer harbor, but it appears only one has been successful. Normally in this darkness you wouldn't be able to tell, but through the lights of the flames you can make out the name Virgil's Voyage as it sails away. There's a boy looking over the side, hair as red as the destruction, who drops a long black robe into the water. As you hold the last molotov by your side in your left hand, you bring your right tightly to your forehead and salute Mills over the blaze. You then put your face to your elbow and before straightening your left arm and holding the cocktail away from you in a flawless Molotov Dab. "So long, Master."

The police are shouting for you to come down, but clearly aren't going to come up to get you themselves.

What do you do?

A) Remember what Mills said about not killing people and try to get everyone safely off their burning ships.
B) Fight through the officers to get out of the marina.
C) Attempt to flee the police without harming them.
D) Find a change of clothes, then play dead.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

You unzip the bag and take out the first bottle of gas and the lighter. "Alright, here goes nothing," you whisper as you light the flame. "Stop right there!" you hear from behind you as you whip around.
Apparently the guy wearing suit pants paired with a hoodie and carrying a sketchy duffel bag attracted a follower. "I'm... I'm smoking a bong," you call out to the cop.
The officer draws his gun. "One - no you're not. And two - even if you were, that's also illegal so don't move."
The officer says something you can't hear into his walkie. They're all probably heading your way now. You look down at the flame and quickly hold it to the cloth. "Hey!" you hear the officer scream as the cloth ignites quickly. You slam the cocktail down on the dock between you and the officer. The dock erupts in flames as the officer rears back in terror. Soon you are unable to see him at all through the smoke and fire. However, the inferno is spreading quickly and you just set your only escape route ablaze. You could also try to swim for it, but then you'd be one of those bloated, waterlogged corpses and that's just gross.

While you contemplate your escape, you light another molotov and chuck it at a yacht to your right. The side of the yacht catches fire and starts to burn, doubling the crackle of the nearby flames. A man peers over the dock of his burning boat and shouts, "Hey, what the fuck was that about?!" You ignore him as you turn to your left and notice that the string of yachts beside you are within jumping distance of each other. You walk up the ramp to the yacht on your left, squat to be hidden by the railing, and scan the marina. There are several people running towards your location, but you can't tell if they are more cops or just onlookers trying to put out the flames. You decide to spread the flames out a little bit. You light the third cocktail, throw it thirty yards and two docks away, and watch it start to burn Ed Zeller's houseboat. You know that Ed's body is probably not on that boat anymore, but you decided to give Ed's houseboat the honorable viking funeral Ed so badly deserved for having to raise his horrible son.

After throwing two more molotovs, you've set four separate rows of boats aflame. Through the smoke you can see people attempting to throw buckets of water at the flames, but with little success. The dock was mainly comprised of old, dry wood and you set that gosh dang thing on fire in the middle of August. People can hardly deal with the dock, nevermind the boats attached to it. You deliberately left your row of boats untouched to leave yourself an escape route, but there might not be a dock to jump to by the time you get over there. Holding the last molotov, you take a running leap off the yacht you're on and land with a crash on the deck of the next one. A woman in a nightgown emerges from below deck and screams, "What's going on?"
You stand up and reply, "You might want to detach your yacht from the dock, ma'am."
"It's already on fire!" she shrieks.
You lean over the starboard side and see that part of the yacht you're standing on has already caught fire. "Aw beans," you mutter before turning to the woman who was clearly just sleeping. "You alone?"
"Yes! It's just me!" she replies.
"Alright," you place the molotov down before picking her up and hurling her to the next yacht in your escape route. She flies through the air with a piercing screech before hitting the deck of the next yacht with a dull thud. You grab the molotov and quickly pounce over yourself, landing next to her. "You alright?" you ask.
The woman collects herself and mutters, "Yeah I think so."
You look at the path ahead of you. "Are you ready to do that three more times?"
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

It doesn't seem to work, however. "The worst part is I'm not actually afraid of you when we're together. Fuck, when we're together I actually really like you, Slim. But in the back of my mind I know that I can send you back to heaven if you get out of line. I can't do that when we're apart though. I need you with me because I don't know what you're going to do once I leave."
"So what, Mills? I'm like your hostage, is that it?" you ask. "I'm not allowed to leave your side anymore?"
"No!" Mills seethes. "I'm your hostage. I can't leave your side without having a panic attack. The first time I left, you killed some guy then came back and bragged about it. I didn't see what you did, but it's bad enough that there are eight fucking cops down there! Then the next time I leave alone, you come back with a knife in your arm and allude that you might have killed a second person?"
You take out your cell phone and wiggle it in your hand. "That was just Tim. I bit a mute boy who had blood as sweet as marinara sauce. Granted I don't know how my bites affect people yet, but they're gonna text me the play-by-play," you explain as you check your messages. "Hmm. Nothing yet though."
Mills looks at you incredulously. "How can I ever leave you alone again? I brought you back, I'm responsible. I can hardly live with Mr. Zeller on my conscience. I don't know how much more I can take."
You shove your tongue into your bottom lip while you weigh the possibilities. "Well it seems like you have three options. One, you bring me with you. In which case, we'll be swarmed by police, I'll be taken in, and you'll both be returned to your parents. Option two - you kill me right here, right now. You ensure I don't do anymore damage, but also ensure you'll never steal the yacht with the harbor this hot. Or... option three. You let me burn down half the harbor and you can sail away to your island where you'll never have to think about all the horrible things I'm doing back on the mainland."
Mills looks painfully to Kata as he laces his fingers through hers.
She nods sadly and whispers, "It's okay. If you can't go, I understand. But he can't come."
Mills steps towards you and says, "I know you don't have a conscience anymore, but I do. You asked me before if it all worked out, would it be worth it? I said yes- I still believe that. But any more blood on my hands and I'm not sure it will be. So please... you can't kill anyone else."
"I mean I'm not planning on it, but if something comes up, ya boi's gotta do what ya boi's gotta do," you tell him.
"No!" he refuses your rebuttal.
"It's not like you're even gonna know about it," you argue.
"Hey, listen to me. This is master to servant now," Mills stares into your soulless eyes. "You can't kill anyone."
"Why not?"
Mills replies with a tone that implies the answer was obvious. "Because you can."

Kata points out the locations of the eight police officers to you. You pull the drawstring of your hoodie as tight as you can before throwing the duffel bag of molotovs over your shoulder and heading down to the marina. You make sure to look at the ground as you walk so the police can't get a good look at your face. You walk to the farthest end of the marina to get maximum distance between you and Virgil's Voyage.You walk past the stretch of dock where Ed Zeller's houseboat is. You shoot a quick glance to your right and see the undercover cop sitting in the houseboat across from Ed's. You stride past a couple more officers undetected and then take the last right that's available. Kata told you that the none of the policemen should have a line of sight on you from this spot. Ahead of you is only open ocean and yachts for burnin'.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Kata regains her composure and stands up straight. She motions to the right side of the harbor. "Down there. There's a boat named Virgil's Voyage we can take."
Mills breathes a sigh of relief. "So you're still in?"
Kata nods. "Yeah, I'm still in. I believe you when you say that you never told him to do that. If anything, this will get us far away from him."
"W-well, not really," Mills stammers. "I mean, he's coming with us."
"Say what now?" Kata responds. "He's definitely not."
"I'm sorry, but I have to disagree," Mills defends himself. "We might need him."
"For what, exactly?" Kata scowls.
"Heh, this would probably hurt my feelings if I still had any," you announce.
Kata states her case against your companionship. "You sent him down here to scout out yachts. Something which I did successfully - twice - in about ninety seconds. Not only did he not complete his task, he killed an old guy. Now it's going to be much harder to get out of the harbor."
"Yeah but-" Mills begins before you interrupt him.
"She's right, Mills. There are eight cops down there that are going to be looking for someone matching my description. Someone's gotta distract them. You clearly didn't need me for the yacht, you're in very good hands there," you smile at Kata. "But maybe you needed me for this."
"I promised to send you back to heaven after you completed your task," Mills replies. "I can't send you back if you're here and I'm on the island."
You laugh heartily and Mills flinches a bit as you clap him on the shoulder. "Is that what this is about? Mills, trust me I'm good. Don't worry about sending me back, I'm having the time of my life."
"Plus, he probably really doesn't deserve to go to heaven anymore," Kata adds.
"Mmhmm, that too," you agree.
"He could be good for... killing local wildlife for food," Mills suggests.
"I do have super strength now," you inform the duo.
"See? He could rip the siding off a yacht and shield us from police bullets all the way to Virgil's Voyage," Mills proposes happily.
"Yeah, that's just about the worst plan I've ever heard of," Kata spits on the ground. "We should give him the molotovs and have him set the left side of the marina on fire. All the cops will rush over there."
You nod excitedly. "I definitely like that."
"And just leave him to get taken down by police?" Mills asks. "He's... he's my friend."
"Then as your friend, let me do this for you," you request, again pointing to the knife in your arm. "I didn't even feel that, I'll be fine against police. Look, I don't need you just about as much as you need me... to stay far, far away from you."
"Exactly," Kata chimes in. "There's no way this works with him coming with us."
"I'm sorry. I don't like leaving him behind," Mills reiterates.
"Well you have to tell me why," Kata pleads. "Because so far none of your reasons are adding up."
"I just don't."
"Mills-"
"No," he shakes his head.
"Tell me!" Kata yells.
"BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST HIM!" Mills snaps as Kata recoils from this passive boy's sudden outburst.
"Ah," you nod knowingly while stepping away a few paces. "This wasn't about the friendship thing at all, was it?"
"No, Slim. It wasn't. I am terrified of you," Mills shivers as his face grows redder.
Kata sees how worked up Mills is getting and grabs his hand.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

B) Target a yacht. Take the molotovs away from the target and create a fiery diversion so the kids have time to get away.

"Alright, there's no point in delaying your happy ending any longer," you smile at the two teenagers. "Do you have your sights on a yacht, Kata?"
"Yeah, I was thinking the one all the way to the left," she points. "It's not enormous so it should be easier to control, but big enough to use for shelter on the island until we can build something else."
"I'm shit at building things and didn't bring any tools," Mills admits.
Kata scratches the back of his head. "Aww, I know babe. You just need to keep looking cute."
You wince. "That doesn't make any sense."
Mills scoffs. "Dude, come on."
"No, no, not that. We shouldn't go to the left. Kata, you said there were four cops. Where were they?" you ask.
Kata replies, "Spread out on benches along the beginning of the docks. Why?"
"Mr. Zeller's boat was on the left side of the docks. You'd think there would be a higher police presence there," you argue.
"Who's Mr. Zeller?" Kata asks.
"Just some old guy I beat up," you answer quickly.
Mills stands as still as a statue.
"Alright I'll take another look," Kata brings out the binoculars again and steps away from the group.

"I don't like lying to her," Mills mutters. "When she comes back you need to tell her the truth."
"How do you think she's going to take the truth, Mills?" you demand.
"I don't know. Probably not great. Hopefully better than I did when I threw up all over a cave," his eyes grow blanker as he remembers the incident.
"Barfing's tight though," you laugh. "I hope it goes down the same way."
"I don't," Mills says softly. "But she needs to know. This is too big to hide."

Kata returns to the group and whispers, "Jesus Christ, you were right. There's an additional four policemen over on the left side of the docks. That's eight cops total."
Mills seems to recede into his robes.
"That's a lotta boys," you reply, oddly upbeat.
"How badly did you beat up that old man?" Kata presses.
"He... he may have died from the beating," you confess.
Kata's movements seems to slow down as she opens her mouth for what feels like an eternity before responding, "Oh, okay. No big deal, I kill people all the time."
"What?!" you and Mills say in unison.
"No, I don't," Kata shudders as she squats in place. "I don't know why I just said that. I just got very nervous."
"You feeling alright? You gonna throw up?" you ask hopefully.
"No, I'm fine," she answers. "I just need a minute."
Mills starts to rub circles on her back just in case.
Kata looks up at him, distressed. "Did you know?"
Mills pulls down his hood and does his best to speak calmly and clearly. "Yes, I knew. I didn't tell him to do it, it's just something that happened."
That's not good enough for Kata. "How?"
"I sent him down here to scout potential yachts," Mills starts before you take over.
"There was this terrible manboy in high school who threatened to kill my dad once. So I found his dad, and I sorta bashed him with a hammer. Just a lot of dad drama..." you taper off before finding a new argument. "Kinda like you guys! Kata, if given the chance, would you murder Mills' dad with a hammer?"
"What?" Mills gasps.
"No! Of course not!" Kata denies your allegation.
"Oh!" you exclaim. "I guess it's not like your situation at all then."
---

You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

If the Democrats want Trump out of office in 2020, they need a candidate who will actually pull moderate Republican voters off of the Trump train. Elizabeth Warren is not that candidate. Conservatives hate Elizabeth Warren as much or more than they hated Hillary.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Writing now, but bumping just in case the purge boy comes before I'm done.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

I MAIN LINE all my multivitamins.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

OffTempo posted...

I got mma practice in like an hour so Ill give one last bump this day

You gotta threaten to fuck my shit up if I don't update.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Stewman_Magoo posted...

I've got a brown ale that's going down my face the second it's cold

I love a good brown. What's the name of it?
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

The Great Muta 22 posted...

A threesome with 1 woman and 2 men. It is important to remember that straight men do not make eye contact while in the act. Doing so will question their sexuality.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Devils%20Triangle

Three glasses in a triangle....only rule is that the rims can't touch.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

The look on Kavanuagh's face as Graham conitnued to rant was basically "dude you're not helping."
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Yo fuck Graham.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Parks and Recreation
The Office
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

WafflehouseJK posted...

Malcolm In THe Middle
Scrubs

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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Oops I posted threw shows in my last post. I'll put one of them here.

Everybody Hates Chris
The Office
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Malcolm in the Middle
Parks and Recreation
The Office
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Archer
King of the Hill
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

The destruction of the Patriots has also given me a lot of sadness to channel into the next update. This one shouldn't be too long so I can hopefully bang it out tomorrow.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

How I Met Your Mother
That 70's Show
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Parks and Recreation
The Office
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Bloody
Veteran
Died
Tortures
Spicy meatballs
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

WafflehouseJK posted...

Malcolm In The Middle
Scrubs

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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Violent
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Trench Meat
Wounded
Amputated
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Bleach it you disgusting animal.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

lol you better start planning the funerals you weak bitch

my boi error fuckin boomed you
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Community
Parks and Recreation
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

OffTempo posted...

ill do my best to keep this bumped

You da real MVP.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Malcolm in the Middle
The Office
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Louie
Rick and Morty
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

BigTee66 posted...

9 to 5 call center guy

help...me...

I've been in that struggle my man. What kind of call center?
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Community
Parks and Recreation
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Chaze_the_chat posted...

I just stayed up way past the time I needed to go to bed and I have to wake up in less than 4 hours.

Completely worth it.

B. This is your best story thus far dude.

<333 Hope you weren't a tired mess this morning.

B: 4
A: 3
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Parks and Recreation
The Office
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

WafflehouseJK posted...

Malcolm In The Middle
Scrubs

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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

@SmidgeIsntBack
@Chaze_the_chat
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Parks and Recreation
The Office
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

WafflehouseJK posted...

Malcolm In The Middle
Scrubs

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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Denzel tbh
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

DirkDiggles posted...

What did he buy to get him killed? Zima?

I'm a beer lover but I can fuck with some Zima.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Three for B and one for A. I'll look to update probably Friday or Saturday.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

You have to wipe on the weekends.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Ruvan22 posted...

TC, I've praised you before for your engaging writing skills, but wow.. that description of depression - more importantly of somebody trying to rationalize it.. I'm speechless.

WaterLink posted...

Also, amazing fucking update. I knew we were waiting on something good. :)

Thanks guys! For your patience and your kind words.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

WHO THE FUCK lS WEARING THE TEDDY PERKINS MAKE-UP
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

King of the Hill
Louie
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.