February 28th, 2024
I just got back from a week long trip to Mexico with my family. It was an amazing experience to just be able to... rest. I ate, I drank, I went into the ocean, the pool, and I read.
And it reminded me that Ive never had the chance to travel with a partner before. Not with Lindsay and not with any of my other partners in the past. It is something that I realized during the trip that I covet and it was something that I just couldnt do during the time my wife was alive. Honestly had she still been alive I wouldnt have had the opportunity to take this trip. While Lindsay may have told me to go and she would be fine without me, I wouldnt have felt right in doing that.
In writing that letter to Lindsay where I expressed the things that angered me, that disappointed me about our relationship together, it has also made me recognize what I want to happen differently in my next relationship. I think its a really important move forward for me to make. Id like to think that I havent been stuck in the past, but it would be a lie to say that I didnt go through a part of my grief where all I wanted was a healthy Lindsay. That idea never really existed in the first place as by her own admission, she only felt healthy for maybe a couple years of her entire life.
Its more important for me to recognize what elements of our relationship that I really loved and appreciated and use that to inform what happens moving forward. I loved that Lindsay was a caring person despite everything that happened to her. She was the person who wanted to buy donuts for the front staff at the doctors office for doing a good job. She was the person who would always hold the door open for others, reach the top shelf for someone who was unable to do so, and was always really considerate for those around her who were also struggling. I dont know if that is seeing the world through a different lens considering her disabilities, but I strive to find someone who is similarly kind.
Lindsay challenged me intellectually and I LOVED that. Never satisfied with the status-quo or the given story, we would debate about both the silly nonsense and the more important things. We loved to challenge each other with different thoughts and opinions on all things. We were respectful of one another and we never went looking for a fight, but we never backed down if we thought the other was incorrect or missing some key information. She loved a good mystery and watching her mind work through the layers of the mystery to find the answer was exhilarating. I want to find someone who can challenge me in this way.
We never got the chance to take it easy like a trip to Mexico. The only easy thing that Lindsay got I feel in her entire life was me as her husband. I try not to boost my own ego in saying something like that, but Ive come to recognize that I was willing to basically do whatever I had to in order for her to be supported. I worked two jobs, I limited my diet to ensure she would not come in contact with allergens. I stopped using all forms of laundry detergent for her sake. I would wander around dozens of different stores to find the right DIN of products for her to ensure she felt comfortable using whatever it was. I put my family and friends on the back-burner to ensure she was supported and taken care of by me. While Im certainly not perfect, I was the perfect fit for her.
Now its time to find the perfect fit for me. I watched the sunrise on my last day in Mexico... alone. I vowed then and I do now that the next time I watch the Mexican sunrise it will be with my partner beside me.
https://i.imgur.com/GWG5c3r.gif