Poll of the Day > How soon is too soon to get engaged?

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Muscles
07/26/21 2:52:12 PM
#1:


My cousin got engaged to his girlfriend and while I think she's really great they have only been together for a little more than a year. Should I be concerned for him?

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adjl
07/26/21 3:00:36 PM
#2:


My parents got engaged after six months, and they were married for over 28 years until a fatal stroke threw a very unfortunate wrench into their relationship. There's really no magic number, especially where engagements usually last for a year or two before the actual wedding anyway and can be called off at any time if the participants change their minds. Generally speaking, you can figure out pretty quickly whether or not a given relationship is one you'd like to commit yourself to forever. The only thing that takes time is getting to a point in your own life where you're comfortable with the idea of getting married.

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DrPrimemaster
07/26/21 3:03:32 PM
#3:


I dont think there is a time but if people havent lived together idk if they can know it will work..

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ParanoidObsessive
07/26/21 3:04:08 PM
#4:


I think couples should be together for 137 years before considering it.
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DrPrimemaster
07/26/21 3:06:19 PM
#5:


ParanoidObsessive posted...
I think couples should be together for 137 years before considering it.

I dont know of any couple together that long that had a failed marriage so this number seems reasonable.

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Kanatteru
07/26/21 3:07:30 PM
#6:


doesn't really matter, but you should definitely try living together first

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teddy241
07/26/21 3:10:32 PM
#7:


Kanatteru posted...
doesn't really matter, but you should definitely try living together first

This is always tricky. If it fails and they breakup theres damaged goods to be had.

But I guess id rather have that then get stuck in a marriage to find out the person drinks/abusive behavior and now you gotta get a divorce on top of it all
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Mead
07/26/21 3:13:33 PM
#8:


Muscles posted...
My cousin got engaged to his girlfriend and while I think she's really great they have only been together for a little more than a year. Should I be concerned for him?

no a year is enough time

the thing about marriage is that no matter what, it is a gamble. Regardless of how much love a couple has and how strong of a bond they have over time unpredictable events will happen and time changes people, sometimes into people that arent in love the way they used to be or they desire a different kind of partner.

And thats ok. A marriage ending in divorce doesnt necessarily mean the marriage was a mistake. I think that fear of being in a failed marriage actually fuels a lot of insecurity that can tear a couple apart over time.

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SunWuKung420
07/26/21 3:14:28 PM
#9:


We got engaged after 9 months of dating and get married 11 months later. We didn't live together until after the wedding. 4 years happily married this coming fall and our son is a week old.

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teddy241
07/26/21 3:24:22 PM
#10:


SunWuKung420 posted...
We got engaged after 9 months of dating and get married 11 months later. We didn't live together until after the wedding. 4 years happily married this coming fall and our son is a week old.

That's the key right there. Having a kid within a certain amount of years of getting married. We got married and didnt have any kids for 5 years and it just seemed like a glorified boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with each of us getting tired of the other so we ended in divorce. Pretty sure had we started a family we would've road it out.
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SunWuKung420
07/26/21 3:32:12 PM
#11:


teddy241 posted...
That's the key right there. Having a kid within a certain amount of years of getting married. We got married and didnt have any kids for 5 years and it just seemed like a glorified boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with each of us getting tired of the other so we ended in divorce. Pretty sure had we started a family we would've road it out.
Kids don't fix relationships.

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Jen0125
07/26/21 3:33:13 PM
#12:


teddy241 posted...
That's the key right there. Having a kid within a certain amount of years of getting married. We got married and didnt have any kids for 5 years and it just seemed like a glorified boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with each of us getting tired of the other so we ended in divorce. Pretty sure had we started a family we would've road it out.

Lmao advocating using kids as a bandaid for relationships and relegating romantic relationships to breeding scenarios.

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Muscles
07/26/21 3:36:21 PM
#13:


DrPrimemaster posted...
I dont think there is a time but if people havent lived together idk if they can know it will work..
They have lived together for a few months and even before that she was staying at his apartment more often than not

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adjl
07/26/21 3:45:02 PM
#14:


teddy241 posted...
That's the key right there. Having a kid within a certain amount of years of getting married. We got married and didnt have any kids for 5 years and it just seemed like a glorified boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with each of us getting tired of the other so we ended in divorce. Pretty sure had we started a family we would've road it out.

If you'd had kids, you might have stuck with it for their sake, but you still would have lost interest in each other (and, in fact, trying to ride it out for the kids' sake may have resulted in that apathy growing into antipathy). Ultimately, you can't expect relationships to be a steady stream of new and exciting experiences with a clear sense of progress. No matter what you do, eventually, you'll hit a point where you're just living your lives together and there are no more big milestones to look forward to. If simply being together doesn't make you happy, it's not a relationship you should be trying to make work long-term.

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PK_Spam
07/26/21 3:50:20 PM
#15:


There are lots of red flags you can look for in relationships to tell if theyre gonna be bad news down the line, and getting engaged early is only one of them.

Waiting over a year to get engaged isnt even that bad. Most people are friends before they date anyway.

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wwinterj25
07/26/21 4:22:13 PM
#16:


I don't think this is a one cap fits all. If folk feel like doing these things and it's legal who cares? Engagement doesn't mean all that much anyway.

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adjl
07/26/21 5:02:39 PM
#17:


PK_Spam posted...
There are lots of red flags you can look for in relationships to tell if theyre gonna be bad news down the line, and getting engaged early is only one of them.

Eh, that's pretty variable. For younger couples, I'd agree, but people being younger when they make major relationship changes is generally a bad sign regardless of what those changes are (cohabitation, marriage, kids). For people that are older and do have more experience with relationships, it's not that unfathomable to think that they'd be able to figure out pretty quickly whether or not they're in the right relationship.

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11110111011
07/26/21 5:28:20 PM
#18:


I'm biased, but I lived with my wife before marriage to the point that the marriage ceremony was just a formality.

Before meeting my wife, I probably would never have gotten married without living with someone first. I had two relationships that were getting to that point and I wasn't planning on (and didn't) stick around for either.
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Lokarin
07/26/21 5:29:40 PM
#19:


Seventeen

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faramir77
07/26/21 6:05:12 PM
#20:


Depends how old you are.

Over the age of 35? Yeah, a year is fine.

30 to 35? Probably wait two years at least.

25 to 30? At least 4 years.

Under 25? Why are you even thinking about getting married lmao

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FrndNhbrHdCEman
07/26/21 6:13:08 PM
#21:


Jen0125 posted...
Lmao advocating using kids as a bandaid for relationships and relegating romantic relationships to breeding scenarios.
Look who hes quoting. Explains everything.

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Far-Queue
07/26/21 6:15:49 PM
#22:


Everyone is different.

Some people date for over a decade, get married, then divorce within a year.

Some get married within a few weeks of meeting each other and are together they're whole lives (I have friends in high school whose parents did this. Been married almost 50 years)

There's no magic formula for time

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Link_of_time
07/26/21 7:13:12 PM
#23:


Approximately 1 year.

Yes there are exceptions but generally speaking 1 year. Also just cause you get engaged doesn't mean you have to marry right away.
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Zeus
07/26/21 7:49:05 PM
#24:


My aunt's husband wanted to propose to her after a week, and they've been married... well, longer than most people here have been alive, although that probably doesn't mean much.

And my brother proposed within 6 months of his first date, but he wanted to lock that down.

Some people get engaged after years and stay engaged for years, other people engage quickly and marry slowly, and others engage slowly and marry quickly. I'm not sure any method necessarily ensures a better result. I've known couples who were dating longer than the combined time of their engagement and marriage.

In general, around a year doesn't sound bad. Anything under 3 months is probably fast, but some couples just work out. And anything over 3 years is a pretty huge red flag.


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Muscles
07/26/21 7:50:57 PM
#25:


Zeus posted...
My aunt's husband wanted to propose to her after a week, and they've been married... well, longer than most people here have been alive, although that probably doesn't mean much.

And my brother proposed within 6 months of his first date, but he wanted to lock that down.

Some people get engaged after years and stay engaged for years, other people engage quickly and marry slowly, and others engage slowly and marry quickly. I'm not sure any method necessarily ensures a better result. I've known couples who were dating longer than the combined time of their engagement and marriage.

In general, around a year doesn't sound bad. Anything under 3 months is probably fast, but some couples just work out. And anything over 3 years is a pretty huge red flag.
Huh, I always assumed 3-4 years was the normal amount of time

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OhhhJa
07/26/21 7:51:16 PM
#26:


Zeus posted...
And anything over 3 years is a pretty huge red flag.
Lol no it's not
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Metalsonic66
07/26/21 7:55:55 PM
#27:


Weddings are too fuckin expensive

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11110111011
07/26/21 7:59:13 PM
#28:


Zeus posted...
And anything over 3 years is a pretty huge red flag.

Lol. I had to go back and start doing the math. It was 5 years for me. We've been married 13.
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Mead
07/26/21 8:00:28 PM
#29:


Metalsonic66 posted...
Weddings are too fuckin expensive

which is why people should do their own thing and avoid the predatory wedding industry

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adjl
07/26/21 8:03:31 PM
#30:


Zeus posted...
And anything over 3 years is a pretty huge red flag.

Eh, that's pretty variable. Sometimes it indicates a reluctance to commit (which is indeed a red flag), other times it's just a matter of treating marriage as a formality or wanting to wait until one's life is a little more stable to make such a commitment (which is pretty reasonable). In a world where it's socially acceptable to cohabit and even have kids before getting married, there's really not much reason to push to get married as soon as possible, since it doesn't (for lack of a better term) "unlock any new features."

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ReturnOfFa
07/26/21 8:50:53 PM
#31:


idk I'd say there's so many circumstances that i'd never be able to put a good 'time' on it. some people make it work, some people it explodes in their faces.

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rexcrk
07/26/21 9:40:17 PM
#32:


teddy241 posted...
That's the key right there. Having a kid within a certain amount of years of getting married. We got married and didnt have any kids for 5 years and it just seemed like a glorified boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with each of us getting tired of the other so we ended in divorce. Pretty sure had we started a family we would've road it out.
Im not trying to be an ass but having a kid to fix a relationship doesnt seem like a.. great idea.

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wwinterj25
07/27/21 7:01:27 PM
#33:


rexcrk posted...
Im not trying to be an ass but having a kid to fix a relationship doesnt seem like a.. great idea.
It isn't. It actually would create more problems.

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SunWuKung420
07/27/21 8:59:47 PM
#34:


rexcrk posted...
Im not trying to be an ass but having a kid to fix a relationship doesnt seem like a.. great idea.
That's been the general consensus.

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