Board 8 > So my relationship is over...

(+) Yeah! (+)

Corrik7 posted...

1. To take the car I just bought her and me to make the payments. (She has mentioned possibly paying it herself).

No.

Corrik7 posted...

3. Our child to be able to go back and forth whenever he pleases.

Don't leave it at this. You need to set a minimum time each of you are required to have time with your kid.

Corrik7 posted...

4. I assume continue providing medical. And I guess car insurance.

5. Give him money when he needs it. I guess.

These are way too vague. And expensive.

Corrik7 posted...

6. Let her use the pool in the summer?? Lol wtf???

Sure why not?

---

red13n posted...

Sure why not?

Seriously? Let your ex come over and swim whenever she wants? What?

---

Corrik7 posted...

3. Our child to be able to go back and forth whenever he pleases.

I've seen statements like this as the preamble to mind games where one parent begins skewing reality for the child so they never want to visit the other one.

---

Generally that agreement ends up being her having to know my work schedule and any day I am off having the kid overnight and any days she is off so she can do stuff. It's a way to ensure I am not seeing someone else and to ensure she can do whatever she wants with a built in babysitter.

---

scarletspeed7 posted...

I've seen statements like this as the preamble to mind games where one parent begins skewing reality for the child so they never want to visit the other one.

Know a couple times where this ended in the child being taken out of state. And once the kids got school and friends that far away they are never going to really want to come back.

---

Right now she wants the following.

1. To take the car I just bought her and me to make the payments. (She has mentioned possibly paying it herself).

She can have the car, but needs to agree to either a) take on the loan herself (basically completely remove yourself from it) or b) in months which she doesn't pay the same amount will be deducted from whatever support you are giving (since this is support).

2. Me to not move out of my house and continue living where I am.

You'd have to counter with say a 1 hour/30 mile radius or she can claim you went back on the agreement.

3. Our child to be able to go back and forth whenever he pleases.

Maybe after a certain age, but you'd need to agree on a minimum.

4. I assume continue providing medical. And I guess car insurance.

I know it's tough to get reasonably priced medical in the US, but that's a hard no for me. You don't want to risk a jump in premiums. You should continue any medical for your child though.

5. Give him money when he needs it. I guess.

What does this mean? Like if he wants a new computer does this mean you have to get him one?

6. Let her use the pool in the summer?? Lol wtf???

Sure?

7. Have custody of the child be agreement.

Do you mean joint custody? That's fair. The main risk is that you both seem to disagree quite a bit so it could leave the child in limbo.

---

Corrik7 posted...

Seriously? Let your ex come over and swim whenever she wants? What?

Of all the stuff you could potentially have to fight over, "hey i want to come over and use your pool" seems laughably hilariously dumb and pointless to me.

---

red13n posted...

Of all the stuff you could potentially have to fight over, "hey i want to come over and use your pool" seems laughably hilariously dumb and pointless to me.

That's absolutely something that would ensure you never had another relationship again.

---

I guess the request was so random and since you have more pressing matters I would ignore it for now...

---

Im actually with Corrik on the pool one, because it probably means giving keys, etc. Maybe you could specify only with the kids.

All negotiations start with too strong demands then get whittled down. She knows you arent going to keep paying for her car. You need to figure out what kind of compromise can be worked out. Id suggest dont be trapped in one house, for one thing.

---

Corrik let me swim in your pool too. B8 pool party anyone?

---

foolm0r0n posted...

Corrik let me swim in your pool too. B8 pool party anyone?

Im in

---

We will see each others nipples

---

And Corrik's ex's nipples

---

I feel like a walking corpse. And this pounding headache won't go away.

---

inb4 he shows up to the hearing without a lawyer cause he is sure she wont and then she has one.


---

To further point out how absurd it is, no judge is going to say "Oh, yeah, sure. The child can come and go when he pleases" and "Give him money when he needs it" because he knows he'll have to see your stupid asses in another six months when that plan doesn't work to waste more of his time in a custody battle that is bound to be messier than it is now.

He's going to say "Did any of you talk to a lawyer about how this works before you wasted my fucking time?"

---

There is no hearing.

---

you just going to sign your rights over like a simp?

---

What other choice does he have?

---

Cool, looking forward to you making a topic crying about how you have to have a custody battle when all this nonsense falls through in a messy way in six months.

---

PrivateBiscuit1 posted...

Cool, looking forward to you making a topic crying about how you have to have a custody battle when all this nonsense falls through in a messy way in six months.

You seem super antagonistic to someone who is not in a very great state of mind.

If she files something, I would get a lawyer then. You are trying to force me into the court system and escalate things that may not need to be escalated.

---

when there are children involved it will always be escalated.

I guess youll find out soon enough.

---

Lucavi000 posted...

when there are children involved it will always be escalated.

I guess youll find out soon enough.

She never took her ex for anything custody wise or child support wise until 4 years later when he filed for custody.

---

Corrik7 posted...

You seem super antagonistic to someone who is not in a very great state of mind.

i mean, you could just lock this topic/stop looking at it


---

Corrik7 posted...

She never took her ex for anything custody wise or child support wise until 4 years later when he filed for custody.

case in point, it got escalated.

---

Lucavi000 posted...

case in point, it got escalated.

I agree. By him.

---

Corrik7 posted...

You seem super antagonistic to someone who is not in a very great state of mind.

Consider it tough love because you're acting like a crazy person. I watched my dad slowly financially destroy my mom after they got divorced to the point where she had to move 2 states away when I was 12. They had an agreement too and that shit is useless when the person in power decides they want more.

As someone who has seen his mom about 5 times in the last 20 years maybe don't rule out doing whatever you can if you want a relationship with your kid.

---

Corrik7 posted...

You seem super antagonistic to someone who is not in a very great state of mind.

He is frustrated because you're getting stepped on and saying "no, please, step on me more" rather than listening to advice that would save you from getting stepped on

You're an ant that loves a boot so much that you'd rather be crushed by it than run out of the way and deny the boot the satisfaction of crushing you.

You're acting like people want you to screw over the girl you love-- they don't, they just don't want you and your kids to get screwed over needlessly. There are ways to achieve that without hurting her, but you need to take some basic precautions to do so. Your path leads only to your destruction, but you'd rather mope than try to do anything.

---

Corrik7 posted...

I agree. By him.

who does what doesnt matter lol.

It seems youll never escalate so that only leaves her...

---

Lopen posted...

He is frustrated because you're getting stepped on and saying "no, please, step on me more" rather than listening to advice that would save you from getting stepped on

You're an ant that loves a boot so much that you'd rather be crushed by it than run out of the way and deny the boot the satisfaction of crushing you.

You're acting like people want you to screw over the girl you love-- they don't, they just don't want you and your kids to get screwed over needlessly. There are ways to achieve that without hurting her, but you need to take some basic precautions to do so. Your path leads only to your destruction, but you'd rather mope than try to do anything.

I feel there are better ways to go about saying that. I also think things don't have to be so black and white. I have been physically ill. Mentally unwell. Barely eating. And have zero energy to do anything. I don't think saying I can't wait to laugh at you in 6 months is the best tact.

I get he is trying to be helpful. But, I think red's idea was far more apt. Get a consultation. Have someone on stand by if needed. And see what happens.

---

You need a lawyer now because the more action you take in this state where you're unwell gives her more ammunition to destroy you with. Like in a normal state it's going to be bad, but when you're super depressed and whatever, you're going to carelessly agree to something you shouldn't because it's easier that way.

And she will destroy you. You love her but everything you've shared indicates she will destroy you.

Think of a lawyer as a way to secure things you deserve or need more than as a way to antagonize her or take things away from her. If you just want to leave the custody thing be without legal intervention for now and without involving an aggressive stance on obtaining custody, so be it, but get advice from the lawyer anyway on pitfalls to avoid so that when SHE escalates (and she will) that you don't get totally screwed over.

---

A lawyer is a Mason buddy, corrik

---

Corrik7 posted...

I feel there are better ways to go about saying that. I also think things don't have to be so black and white. I have been physically ill. Mentally unwell. Barely eating. And have zero energy to do anything. I don't think saying I can't wait to laugh at you in 6 months is the best tact.

I get he is trying to be helpful. But, I think red's idea was far more apt. Get a consultation. Have someone on stand by if needed. And see what happens.

Corrik, you have literally come into this topic and told me I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm in the legal field.

I know all about marital proceedings (AND YES CHILD CUSTODY STUFF IS INCLUDED).

I have been involved in more marital proceedings than I ever wanted to.

I have seen the disaster these child custody things turn into.

I have two friends with kids who have gone through divorces and child custody proceedings very recently, one of which in Pennsylvania, the state you are in.

I am intimately aware of how this works, and I have tried helping you in this entire topic and you just ignore it.

Getting a legal documentation of custody rules is VITAL to this, or else it takes one person getting upset to throw the whole thing out of whack. And judging by what you've said about your ex, it's likely to be her.

Again, like myself and many others have said, this isn't for revenge, or to hurt her, or "escalate" things. This is to put into place an agreement that is impartial for both you and your ex because if you don't do it now, you're going to do it down the road.

Do you think I'm saying all of this because I don't know what I'm talking about or I haven't seen this play out? Fuck, dude. Get a god damn lawyer and get this done the right way for the health of you, your ex, and your kid, and stop acting like you know more than me when you're admitting you're not in the right state of mind.

---

You say she didn't escalate in her last marriage until her ex filed for custody, but I'm 100% sure you just got her side of the story on that one.
---

Corrik7 posted...

But, I think red's idea was far more apt. Get a consultation. Have someone on stand by if needed. And see what happens.

Also, you're going by red's idea being more apt?

He literally came into this topic and told everyone marriage doesn't mean as much as people think in separation issues.

Like he actually has no idea what he's talking about, and I'm not even saying that to be mean to him. He actually doesn't know what he's talking about at all here, even if he means well and is telling you the right thing by telling you to get a lawyer. But not just for consultation. You need a lawyer to go through the whole proceeding and guide you through this process the right way.

I have more knowledge about this than I would assume anyone else in this topic unless they happen to have gone through child support proceedings personally, and also in Pennsylvania. And everything I am telling you is with absolutely confidence and surety of what I'm saying. Get a lawyer and get this done the right way, because when you go for this consultation they're just going to go "Wait, you want to just agree to pass the kid back and forth whenever you want? Here's why this won't work." They're going to tell you everything I have said and urge that you get this done legally, the right way.

---

kevwaffles posted...

You say she didn't escalate in her last marriage until her ex filed for custody, but I'm 100% sure you just got her side of the story on that one.

I was with her. I know exactly how it went down. I told her how to proceed with it.

---

Corrik7 posted...

I was with her. I know exactly how it went down. I told her how to proceed with it.

you told her to roll over and not do anything?

---

Lucavi000 posted...

you told her to roll over and not do anything?

I actually encouraged her to go for child support and she refused. Until he filed for custody. = /

---

the saying 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' will never be more appropriate in this situation lol

---

So this dude wasn't paying child support at all. But this agreement they had was so unfavorable towards him that he STILL went for custody despite not paying her a cent, knowing he would still have to pay for it. And your takeaway from this is "Yeah, I think we can come to an agreement and that there's no reason to not go to court with this."

Like you think this is some kind of adversarial thing. Corrik, you can literally make this as painless as possible by amicably agreeing to terms before the hearing. Hell, there doesn't even have to be a child support hearing if you guys get it squared away, in court. You'll attend one hearing to figure out child support payments, but aside from that, you guys can actually dictate everything else, file the paperwork necessary, and they can cancel the custody hearing. It can actually be this painless, but you want legal counsel there to support you. It doesn't need to be ugly at all.

Hell, if you're worried about her paying for a lawyer, you can actually pay for hers as well. But you NEED to have something figured out and legally binding, because if she wants to change her mind on how often you see your kid, then you have the law protecting you. You can't just pass around the child on the honor system of whoever the kid feels like hanging out with on that day.

But you NEED to have actual legal backing to all of this. It doesn't work without people working for your interests, your ex's interests, and your kid's interests. It's not fair to put everyone through all this stress all over again 6 months, 1 year, 4 years down the line because somebody is unhappy with the terms now.

---

Id look into mediation even if you arent married.

a friend of mine who lost his house in a divorce said to never ever leave the house for a hotel or some other temporary living situation. Abandonment of property isnt easy to prove but dont make it easier.

If you dont know everything about how the court will work in your custody situation then I would look into a lawyer.

i mean good luck and all. It sounds like a shot situation. Sorry about that.


---

PrivateBiscuit1 posted...

He literally came into this topic and told everyone marriage doesn't mean as much as people think in separation issues.

Ehh it can get real weird as far as possessions are concerned when the parties are living together. Anything you cant prove you purchased.

Also i was trying to ease corrik into the idea of hiring a lawyer.

When he actually talks to one and realizes the stakes i figured he'd break down. Seen quite a few of these situations go bad.

As days go by she is getting crueler, ruder, and more hostile. She is still staying here and hasn't packed anything, but, yes, as you all warned she has said she is filing for a custody order I can't possibly follow and she knows that and for child support.

She ignores me completely and any time she talks to me she is rude or screaming.

I don't have any will or drive left.

---

I'm just going to say this again, in the hopes that maybe it sticks this time, but get a lawyer right now. Because that way your lawyer and her lawyer can both talk this out because clearly cooler heads aren't here. They will act as your go between and resolve this how you both absolutely can't. If she doesn't have a lawyer (she should) then pay for a lawyer for her.

But since custody is already being filed, your chances of getting a better deal are greatly improved by you having a lawyer and by you being the rational one in this situation trying to do the right moves.

Do this now, for the love of god. I don't care how little will or drive you have, make this happen. Take a day off to go talk to a lawyer if you have to. Just get a lawyer.

---

I ain't getting a lawyer. I don't care about anything anymore. Probably not even going to work anymore. I just have nothing in me left.

---