Poll of the Day > HAPPY SKELETON WAR EVERYBODY (caps)

(+) Yeah! (+)

As the hour draws near I want to take a moment to address the real reason for the season. sure, we all love a good horror movie, and personally i could listen to the Beetlejuice soundtrack all goddamn day, but the REAL reason we celebrate is... i forget.

costumes and candy? whatever.

As of the 5th I'll be spending a couple of weeks in managed isolation with nobody to keep me company but my wife, my daughter, and a collection of some of the worst fucking horror movies ive ever seen.

Starting at midnight tonight with the 2007 Rob Zombie Halloween remake, I will be posting a short review of every one of these pieces of shit in this topic, so get ready to see this garbage cluttering up the front page for a while.

https://i.imgur.com/TsG67fC.mp4

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This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Pumpkins scream in the dead of night


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please do Killer Clowns From Outer Space.

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WhiskeyDisk posted...

please do Killer Clowns From Outer Space.

hey, why not.

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Halloween (2007)

OBVIOUS SPOILER WARNING

Finished at the stroke of midnight, as intended.

Ah the Rob Zombie remake. I honestly think this one gets way more hate than it deserves. If you changed the characters names and made it about a non mike meyers serial killer it probably would have been a lot more popular. I was never all that attached to the original halloween movies, so it didn't really bother me that this was unfaithful to the whole supernatural aspect of the John Carpenter movies.

I generally think its a solid flick as far as horror movies go. Its reasonably well paced, the gore isn't completely over the top, and there is enough suspense to keep me entertained. I have always appreciated the way that Rob Zombie directs violence, or more precisely, how he directs the victims of violence. I don't know what it is, but somehow people's reactions seem so much more REAL in his movies.

I counted 20 kills, not bad at all. (decided im going to do this with all of them. dont expect my numbers to be 100% accurate though.)

I rate this one 3/5

https://i.imgur.com/HmJXXfh.gif

Next skeleton war documentary: Halloween 2 (2009)

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Halloween 2 (2009)

im not doing spoiler warnings anymore. i put one up on the first review, if you skip it, thats on you.

Definately not as good as the first. Its almost like Rob Zombie heard people bitching about how meyers is supposed to be sort of supernatural and so he made this sort of spiritual connection between him and his sister and their dead mom that was just dumb. it felt so goddamned shoehorned in there that it just killed anything that i thought the first movie did right.

The pacing felt way slower, but i suppose it did still have that same Rob Zombie depiction of violence that the first did, which i guess gives it something. I will say that the scene where Annie's father finds her body always fucks me up. Putting myself in his situation where the same beast of a person got a hold of his daughter twice, and finished the job the second time really gets to me.

i counted 19 kills... so just slightly less than the first which feels like a ripoff. sequels should always have bigger body counts.

I rate this one 2/5

https://i.imgur.com/UvoCUa0.gif

Next skeleton war documentary: Friday the 13th (1980)

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNunRPdy8_Y
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Friday the 13th (1980)

What can I say? Its a classic. It does not hold up well over time, but I can recognize what it started. Somehow i always managed to be surprised when i see kevin bacon in this movie. he is by far the biggest name to ever be in a friday the 13th.

The violence is subdued, but thats to be expected from a fourty year old movie. It was a different time. Back in 1980 showing someone get their throat slit was a huge deal. Nowadays you see it happen half a dozen times in any given action movie.

The acting is... well its shitty 80s horror movie acting. Kevin Bacon did OK i guess, but he is far from a main character and he only makes it about halfway through the movie (ARROW'D!)

I counted 10 kills, which i guess is pretty decent for an 80s slasher flick. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons to rate this higher or lower than I'm going to. Frankly, i would rather give it a 1/5, but i have to respect a classic so

I rate this one 2/5

https://i.imgur.com/UvoCUa0.gif

Next skeleton war documentary: Friday the 13th part 2 (1981)

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doot doot mr skeltal

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papercup posted...

doot doot mr skeltal

https://i.imgur.com/64MQDtJ.mp4

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Friday the 13th Part 2 (1989)

Bleh... its just a bad movie. This was before they really figured out Jason's identity, so its just a very generic slasher flick. There isn't much else to say about it. The violence stepped up a notch, which i guess is good, but the story just lacks any substance, even for a shitty 80s horror movie.

It is the first time we get to see Jason in action, which is great even if he is absent his signature hockey-mask.

The acting is bad, and the pacing is garbage. it takes over half an hour for the kills to start rolling in, and in the meantime youre just left staring at these fucking planks who make it soooo obvious you are watching a movie.

there is a point in this movie where i counted 4 deaths in 5 minutes... keep in mind, there were also 4 deaths in the first hour of this piece of garbage. I understand its desirable for the killer in these movies to sort of ramp it up as time goes on, but in this instance its like he was idling along and then all of a sudden just goes into full throttle without any buildup.

I counted 9 deaths total (jason got exactly as many as his momma did in the first movie). Its got 1 less death unless you count mz. vorhees twice (once for both movies) which i dont.

I rate this one 1/5

https://i.imgur.com/OtHOWy4.gif


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Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982)

(I have no idea why i put 1989 on part 2, that was supposed to be 81. oh well)

Its pretty much the same garbage movie but this time in 3D! Jason squeezed some dudes head and his eyeball popped out and landed in my lap. The first 2 black people in the series make their appearance and they are members of a group of criminals. oof. Jason kills some curly haired dude who is clearly on the spectrum and finally gets his iconic mask, so hooray.

Once again the movie is super slow to start, and then most of the kills occur within the last 20 minutes, leaving you to enjoy the first hour of this movie and it's comically bad acting and storytelling pretty much blood free!

Things are starting to get super campy, and you can tell watching this one that the series is finally about to round that corner into so bad its good horror. Its just not there yet.

I counted 12 deaths. A baby step up from the first 2. Still terrible

I rate this one 1/5

https://i.imgur.com/OtHOWy4.gif

Next skeleton war documentary: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

wait, the final chapter? i cant believe im almost done with this series already!


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i enjoyed reading these reviews, i'm tempted to see what halloween movies i can find for myself, ok?

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Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Holy fucking cheesy dumb garbage Batman! This movie is a campy piece of shit and it is a close second for my favorite in the series. Corey Feldman was such a little weirdo and, not surprisingly for his age, he could not act. It was hilarious to watch him go all aggro on Jason though.

Best kill in the movie was jimmy "where is the corkscrew" mortimer. Jason shows him that corkscrew alright. Pins his hand to the counter with it and then *doink* meat cleaver in the face. Quick, brutal, and completely cheesy, just the way i like it. I should probably have started naming my favorite kills a while ago, but hey, i didnt plan this.

Movie had much better pacing than the ones before it. Kills happened consistently enough to keep the terrible writing and acting from getting overwhelming, and got faster and faster as the movie went on.

I counted 13 kills, or 14 if i include Jason, but Jason never REALLY dies). Getting better and better in this department

I rate this one 3/5

https://i.imgur.com/HmJXXfh.gif.

Thank god. I finished the final chapter and now i can move on to something else.

Next skeleton war documentary: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

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Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

What a piece of shit. Jason wasn't even in this one, its just some dick hole paramedic pretending to be Jason. It was dumber than any that preceded it, and it made it clear they had no idea what the fuck to do with this franchise. Nobody wanted a new Jason. Thankfully paramount realize this and brought back the classic, but man, this was a low point in the series.

Its just bad in every way imaginable. The acting somehow manages to get worse every movie, which shouldn't even be possible. The story was worse than usual, which also shouldn't be possible. They faked an ending no fewer than 4 goddamn times.

Best kill of the movie was Juniors annoying ass getting decapitated off of his bike. Anything to shut that idiot the hell up. in fact, the one and only thing this movie had going for it was the drastically increased body count. Much more time was spent killing people, and that IS a large part of why i am watching these terrible movies. The gore here was over the top, and just about constant. Every time you turn around "jason" is ending a mother fucker.

I counted 21 kills. A massive increase. That alone earns this movie a point.

I rate this one 2/5

https://i.imgur.com/UvoCUa0.gif

Next skeleton war documentary: Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason lives


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The next one is the one with the zombie Jason?

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Metalsonic66 posted...

The next one is the one with the zombie Jason?

yes. i typed up my last review as i watched it, and i do believe it is almost over

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Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (1986)

We are back on track boyee. Jason is back and Corey Feldman's character tommy is now on his 3rd and probably worst actor, which is incredible.

Tommy goes to dig up Jason's grave on a cloudy night. After seeing the corpse, tommy goes into a rage and stabs it with a metal fence post. In some completely unforeseeable twist of fate, lightning strikes the pole and Frankenstein zaps Jason's ass back to life. Tommy tries to douse him in gasoline and light him on fire, but in another completely unforeseeable twist of fate, it starts raining the MOMENT tommy strikes the match. Jason punches a hole through tommys friend and tommy escapes. All of this happens in the first 5 minutes of this piece of shit and it does not pump the brakes on the violence or the stupid at any point after.

well paced deaths, an even stupider premise, and some of the worst performances so far all came together to make a thoroughly enjoyable experience. THIS is the type of horror movie you can laugh your ass off at. And oh boy did i save the best for last. The movie ends, credits roll, and my ears are treated to the most ridiculous rock song you could possibly think of about Jason Voorhees, complete with CH CH CH HA HA HA background vocals.
The best part? It was written and performed by none other than ALICE COOPER. I almost fell into a pleasure coma.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz-y3SJyEVA

Best kill of this movie was the paintball guy who gets his face smashed into a tree that had a smiley face carved into it. So. Fucking. Unnecessary.

I counted 18 kills. Fewer than the previous title, but all of these felt so much better executed I find it hard to hold it against them.

I rate this one 3/5

https://i.imgur.com/HmJXXfh.gif

Next skeleton war documentary: Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988)


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Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988)

What is the one thing you always thought Friday the 13th was missing? You know, the one thing that could take this tremendous series into the stratosphere and push it beyond the bounds of what we all thought possible? Thats right, its a goddamned telekinetic protagonist to go toe to toe with the now undead Frankenstein zombie Jason.

The studio officially does not give a shit anymore, and that is exactly what this series needed. The acting reaches new lows, the writing is more or less incomprehensible, and shit in this movie happens for pretty much no goddamned reason. They've stuck with the working formula of well paced kills that get more and more frequent as the movie goes on, which is good. It works.

Also: fuckin Kane Hodder. the man is a legend, and he got some rather serious burn scars during the filming of this movie.

The best kill was easily when Dr. Crews got weedwhackered in the gut. I always love it when jason manages to work in some new and exciting form of gardening equipment.

I counted 16 kills, continuing the gradual decline that started in the last movie.

I rate this one 2/5

https://i.imgur.com/UvoCUa0.gif

Next skeleton war documentary: Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

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Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

I am not at all ashamed to admit that this is my favorite in the series. Shit happens for no reason, and somehow jason finds himself on a sort of cruise-liner filled with highschool kids and some dried up old dickhole of a teacher. Jason murders a bunch of kids in a bunch of hilarious ways and then sets the ship on fire. The survivors escape to a lifeboat, and row for manhattan. naturally jason follows.

The violence is ridiculously over the top. The writing and acting are as bad as you would expect in the 8th fucking installment in this series. I dont think a single 10 minute period went by without at least ONE person dying, so i will say good murder pacing.

Best kill in the movie? Try best kill in the series: Julius motherfuckin' Gaw. The absolute legend. He tries to go toe to toe with Jason like no man before him. I swear, jason actually looks like he almost respects this fucking adonis. After bludgeoning the big bastard with his bare hands he tells jason to "give me your best shot mother fucker" and so jason fucking punches his head clean off. 10/10, legendary kill.

Honorable mention goes to the dried up dickhole of a teacher who gets drowned in sewage.

I counted 20 kills, so we are back on track in that area.

I rate this one 4/5

https://i.imgur.com/o1aLBqG.gif

Next skeleton war documentary: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

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tumblr 2015 vibes. 420sc

i never used tumblr so im afraid what you are saying is pure fucking gibberish to me

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https://youtu.be/YajwIM3EH_A

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it's a tumblr meme
https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/events/skeleton-war
more like 2014 I guess

acesxhigh posted...

it's a tumblr meme
https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/events/skeleton-war
more like 2014 I guess

That's odd because I've been celebrating skeleton war since highschool, and I graduated 10 years prior to that.

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Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

Probably the biggest piece of shit of them all. Jason is no longer a confused and angry child who drowned and got frankenstein zombied. Now he is an actual demon and he posesses people. This movie was made after the nightmare on elm street crew got ahold of the friday the 13th IP.

The writing becomes a different type of stupid, and the violence is even more over the top than it ever has been (probably because this is the first title released in the 90s). Murder pacing stays consistent with the last few films. They definitely didnt fuck it up there. Freddy grabs jasons mask at the end of the movie and pulls it down to hell. In reality he was grabbing a point off of the score because fuck yall, freddy does not have any power over my boy jason.

Best kill in the movie: Shelby, with his head in the deep fryer

I counted 21 kills. Solid numbers still.

I rate this one 2/5

https://i.imgur.com/UvoCUa0.gif

Next skeleton war documentary: Jason X (2001)


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Noop_Noop posted...

best kill in the series

No, that would be the sleeping bag against the tree.

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Zareth posted...

No, that would be the sleeping bag against the tree.

vastly overrated in my opinion.

Hell, even jason X did it better when he just beat one of the girls in a sleeping bag with another girl in a sleeping bag

speaking of, I was up watching Jason X and the 2009 remake, so those 2 turds will be coming soon

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Jason X (2001)

I swear, every time they take a classic horror character to space it ends up resulting in one of the most hilariously ridiculous horror movies ever made, and this is no exception. Jason no longer possesses people, thank god, and he is back to just being immortal and big and strong and scary

they find his body frozen on an uninhabitable, radiation blasted earth along with the frozen body of his last victim, who miraculously survives and is also frozen. Jason wakes up and, not surprisngly, murders everyone. simple enough.

Whose idea was it to put that android in the movie? and whose idea to make that android stronger than regular jason? Whose idea was it to make jason come back as uber jason with a metal mask and mostly metal body? Because that person deserves a raise. Some of the stupidest ideas anyone could have come up with, and they serve this movie perfectly.

Movie starts out at breakneck pace. 7 people dead within the first 5 or so minutes, but then its a bit of a delay before the mayhem resumes. However, once jason is up, the murders keep on rolling at a consistent pace.

Best kill goes to janessa, who gets sucked through a grate while the ship is decompressing.

I counted at least 24 kills, not including the destroyed rescue ship and space station, Jason's biggest body count of all time.

I rate this one 4/5

https://i.imgur.com/o1aLBqG.gif


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Friday the 13th (2009)

A shitty remake. They tried way too hard to make this serious and hoped for it to be actually scary. What they ended up with was a complete mess. Also, what the fuck is sam winchester doing in a friday the 13th movie? and why is his premise in this movie almost identical to one of the first episodes of supernatural?

Murder pacing is okayish i guess, although there are a lot of long dull parts, and a lot of the kills get sort of clustered together for no good reason. The violence is ok, but i mean, this movie came out in 2009. they were capable of so much more.

Best death was trent, stabbed through the back and then mounted on a tow truck as it drove away. i could not stand that insufferable little fuck.

I counted 13 kills, and they were completely joyless

1/5 Terrible. Not even fun ironically.

https://i.imgur.com/OtHOWy4.gif

coming up next im going to pick something halfway decent before i watch nightmare on elm street. fuck i know im gonna hate those movies again.


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I haven't seen the remake but I thought some people liked it. Can't have Friday XIII without cheese I suppose

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In the Mouth of Madness (1995)

Do you read Sutter Cane?

Unironically one of my personal favorites. Its not a overtly scary movie, its just a GOOD movie. Sam Neill put on a career best performance in my opinion. Jurgen Prochnow was pretty much the only choice for Sutter Cane as well. Hell, even Julie Carmen who i normally cant stand did a great job.

This movie is basically what would have happened if Lovecraft had written screenplay. It is a twisted look into that whole universe in a way that we never really got to see before or after. It takes a very nihilistic (and almost comedic) view of sanity and general human mental fragility and i absolutely love it.

I'm not listing a favorite kill here, because i dont think i have one in this movie. Ditto on the death count, although theoretically it would be around 7 billion people since we are talking about the end of the world here.

If you have not seen this movie, do yourself a favor.

5/5
https://i.imgur.com/FToVdJR.gif

By the way, did i ever tell you that my favorite color was blue?

Next Skeleton War Documentary: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
i am not looking forward to this one


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A nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

What a piece of shit. This movie was the paranormal activity/insidious/whatever of its day. Hugely popular for no reason, and just not as good as what was released alongside it. it is not even worth saying much more about.

Oh hey, i forgot Johnny Depp was in this. I guess watching him get blood geyser'd in the middle of his bed was the best kill in the movie. not a lot of options.

i counted 4 kills, and none of them very gory and all of them very far apart. 10 fewer than friday the 13th part 4, released in the same year.

1/5

Next skeleton war documentary: A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

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A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)

just barely better than the first. The violence is turned up a single notch, the story is i guess just slightly more engaging, but its obvious they are still trying to take this seriously and its just not working.

Best kill was the dipshit who got thrown into the grill.

I counted 10 kills, so i guess thats good.

1/5

https://i.imgur.com/OtHOWy4.gif

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A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

This movie never should have existed. that is all.

There was no best kill, but i guess the bitch who gets OD'd earned a chuckle out of me

6 kills, down from 10 in the last movie. this is not the right direction

0/5

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A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)
Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)

None of these need their own review. Shit movies.

no favorite kills, as they were all pretty uninspired.

I counted 7, 3 and then 6 deaths (in order)

I rate them all 0/5

fuck this series

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Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)

John Carpenter is so obviously the superior horror writer/director. Wes craven is a goddamn idiot lol. I cannot think of any other explanation for why this movie got made.

So, it stars the girl from the first movie, and the actress is playing... the actress. They are looking to make a new nightmare on elm street because "the fans want freddy back!" thats how you know this is just shitty fiction. freddy kruger doesnt have fans. he is such a pussy in comparison to every other 80s slasher lead.

If freddy, michael meyers, leatherface, and jason voorhees all got locked in a room together, freddy is the only one i can guarantee is NOT making it out. He is not the monster in that situation, he is the victim, because he is suuuuuuch a pussy.

none of the whopping 6 goddamn kills are even worth mentioning.

0/5

freddy is a bitch.


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I thought 5 was pretty decent but it's been a while

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Halloween 3 is the worst horror movie ever made, hands down.

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Molitheus posted...

Halloween 3 is the worst horror movie ever made, hands down.

yeah, that one is just worse than i can even watch, and i just watched all 9 nightmare on elm streets. ill be skipping it when i do Halloween.

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Freddy vs. Jason 2003

I love this movie. Freddy, incompetent dipshit that he is, summons jason to elm street to make people afraid so they will remember him and then somehow he is surprised when Jason wont stop killing people. within the first 40 minutes of this movie, Jason has already killed more people than any single nightmare on elm street.

With jason here, everything is just better. The murder pacing, the gore, the campy stupidity, the absolute nonsense decisions of the main characters, all of it. THIS is what a shitty horror movie is supposed to be.

Favorite kill was probably trey, right at the beginning. Jason stabs him in the back like 50 times and then folds the bed he is laying on in half, effectively folding trey backwards at the hips. Dude was a prick, and jason absolutely loves to give the worst to the most annoying characters.

A close second is freddy. Boy oh boy did i enjoy watching jason demolish his bitch ass.

i counted 18 kills total. predictably, freddy got 2, and jason got 15.5 (sharing half of the kill on freddy with the final girl). Proving once and for all what everybody already knew

Jason Voorhees > Freddy Kruger

i rate it 4/5

https://i.imgur.com/o1aLBqG.gif

Next up.... i donno. I need to pack.

most likely i wont add any more until im already in managed isolation, but im sure i will have a good dozen to put up when i do. Feel free to leave more suggestions here.

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Hellraiser. Who'd win in a fight John Constantine or Pinhead?
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Troll 2?

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well that was a long godamned trip, but i made it.

Metalsonic66 posted...

Troll 2?

I will be watching 1 and 2 as soon as i finish my current series. thanks for the suggestion.

Revelation34 posted...

Hellraiser. Who'd win in a fight John Constantine or Pinhead?

they are on my list, and to answer your question... probably JC. His win record is pretty goddamn impressive.

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Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

Suggested by @WhiskeyDisk

Ridiculous and fun movie. FUN. everything that happens is so goddamned ridiculous. the clowns weakness (popping their noses?) was pretty fucking hilarious. did i mention fun?

The deaths start pretty early, and the murder pacing is pretty perfect. I couldve stood some more violence instead of almost everyone just getting cotton candy cocooned but whatever. i had fun. its obvious they made this movie for exactly that reason.

best kill was probably the short clown uppercutting that dudes head off. punching people's heads off will never NOT be hilarious to me.

I counted at least 20 deaths. Its sort of hard to quantify when a lot people/klowns die in a big explosion or when you just see row after row of cotton candy cocoons, so i just tried to count the onscreen/confirmed deaths.

I rate this one a fun/5. i guess thats equal to a 3. its above the average for sure.

https://i.imgur.com/HmJXXfh.gif


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The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Its not a great horror movie, its just a good movie. It takes a funny look at the entire genre and pays homage to some of my favorites characters and movies. it takes a really long time for the killing to get started, and its not exactly well paced, but the movie was engaging enough that it didnt really bother me.

If you are into horror movies and somehow havent seen this yet, you really should.

Favorite kill was for sure when homeboy got murdered by the mermaid he always wanted to see. i donno how i could pick anything else.

Another movie where it was hard to get a kill count, but this time because there is just so much goddamn chaos when all of the monsters break out that you cant keep track. I counted at least 22, but that number is probably way low. Also, you could make the 7 billion arguement again, since the world gets destroyed at the end.

I rate it 4/5

https://i.imgur.com/o1aLBqG.gif

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SAW (2004)

If you take this movie in its own context, pretending that nothing else happened in the series, its a damned good horror movie. In fact i do believe this was the last time a horror movie legitimately scared me. Certainly it has its issues, but it also has a whole lot it does right.

All in all, it was a fresh take on the genre, and it paved the way for a number of shitty sequels that i do very much enjoy.

This was less about the quantity of murders, and more about the psychological torment inflicted on all the victims. As such, i dont think the murder pacing is super relevant again.

favorite kill? not really that kinda movie.

6 people die, but like i said, this movie was less about the body count.

I rate this one 4/5

https://i.imgur.com/o1aLBqG.gif

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SAW 2 (2005)

holy fuck what a piece of shit. i cant even enjoy this movie ironically. this is that sort of awkward point in the where they for sure aren't making good movies anymore, but they havent yet reached the point of accepting how the series is. So instead we end up with this mess that tries to be compelling like the first, but its really just a bunch of torture porn with no actual substance.

the murder pacing was i guess acceptable. never felt like i was waiting too long in between deaths, but there was nothing all THAT clever about the deaths outside of the first one (where the dude gets venus flytrapped)

oh, and this is the very first time where we get "someone was helping jigsaw" as our big twist. I'll be keeping track of these.

favorite kill: lady gets left in the wrist cutting device. fuck me that would be a brutal way to go.

I counted 8 kills, and i felt like maybe 3 of them were well earned and executed.

1/5

https://i.imgur.com/OtHOWy4.gif

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