Poll of the Day > What would you do in this situation?

(+) Yeah! (+)

So, there was a guy (A) dating another guy (C). Apparently, As friend (F) found As boyfriend on Grindr*. He took some screenshots of the profile and sent then to A. So, A made a fake profile to talk to C to see what he was looking for. It seems like he was cheating, but found out that he was talking to A. And not C have blocked A and is ghosting him, I believe.

What do you think of what A did? And what would you have done. A lot of people think what A did was fine. But some think he s should have just asked C. Now, Im usually all for communication, but I dont think it would work in this case. While some cheaters might admit it, most probably wont unless caught. And based on how he acted after being caught, it seems like the honest conversation wouldnt have worked. So, do you think what he did was ok in this situation? And what would you have done?
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If train A approaches Disney Land at velocity B whilst train C is on the moon, where is the D?

I think it's a little immature. Would've been better if he talked to him about it, first.

Could've said "Hey, a friend of mine came across your Grindr profile. Are you active on it?" And then expressed how he felt about it, whether he was hoping for more exclusivity in their relationship, and maybe the other dude (C) would've been keen to that idea. A conversation can go a long way. Maybe C says "Yeah, I'm active on Grindr and not looking to commit right now." It sucks for A, but at least they've aired their differences and can understand where the other person in the relationship stands, then make a decision to continue seeing each other or not based off of that understanding, instead of the spying and stuff.

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(A) did the right thing. Ive done that before and the chick had the nerve to act like I was the dishonest one. . She wasnt a dude like (C) but she sure had some balls.

Anyway, A just saved himself a bunch of time and issues. Move on.

Off topic, sorta: I believe its easy for gay guys to hook up. I am under the impression that since both people have raging horny hormones, its easy to meet up. If this is true the all the more reason (A) should be happy.

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Being upfront and honest is always best.

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I do understand that. But I feel like he wouldnt have been honest. Especially with the way he reacted. Once he was found out, he ghosted he boyfriend. And didnt even get mad or anything. Just blocked him altogether. If he had gotten mad about it, then I may have been more inclined to believe he might have been more open to the conversation idea. Of course, I dont know the people and basing it off of interactions Ive had with people...
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I mean, if they were in an exclusive relationship like it sounds like they were, A was totally within their right to do that. If somehow it'd turned out to be someone else or maybe C wasn't actually using the profile anymore then you can talk about it.

Talking about it first after the person has clearly already lied to you is just asking to be lied to even more. You'd be an idiot to trust them after that.

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YoukaiSlayer posted...

I mean, if they were in an exclusive relationship like it sounds like they were, A was totally within their right to do that. If somehow it'd turned out to be someone else or maybe C wasn't actually using the profile anymore then you can talk about it.

Talking about it first after the person has clearly already lied to you is just asking to be lied to even more. You'd be an idiot to trust them after that.

Some people were saying that talking would let them know they were caught and could cause them to cheat better.
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Sounds like A doesnt trust C, but that A also had good reason to have suspicions

A should find a better D

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A's approach was sneaky and distrustful, but odds are he wouldn't have gotten an honest response if he confronted C directly, so I'd say that's justified. The only thing I'd say he did wrong was get caught. Either way, I doubt the relationship was going to be salvageable, and that's C's fault, so I don't think it really matters how bad he's made to feel by how that breakup plays out.

Regardless it kinda sounds like it wasn't likely to make it and the blocking/ghosting is probably for the best.

I can see why some say it's shady or they should have talked about it, communication and trust are key in a relationship. But at the same time there was flat out evidence, which means communication and trust were already on thin ice. I can't say that I blame A at that point. I don't disagree that talking is important, I'm just not sure what good it would do here either.

Sounds like a mess honestly.

First, I don't know how exclusive these two were or how long they'd been dating. Did A assume he and C were exclusive?

That said... I dunno, as sneaky and underhanded as cheating on someone is, it's just as sneaky and underhanded going undercover and spying on them to catch them in the act. Two wrongs don't make a right. When you do that and then set them up for sabotage you put them on the defensive right off the bat. It's no wonder C acted the way they did. They're angry and feel exposed and vulnerable. Not saying A isn't entitled to hurt feelings in this situation, just that if saving the relationship was at all part of the plan, that's not a great way to go about it.

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Far-Queue posted...

First, I don't know how exclusive these two were or how long they'd been dating. Did A assume he and C were exclusive?

AFAIK, A definitely thought so. I didnt see anything saying how long they were dating. But he made it seem like it was more than just seeing each other, I think.

Far-Queue posted...

It's no wonder C acted the way they did. They're angry and feel exposed and vulnerable. Not saying A isn't entitled to hurt feelings in this situation, just that if saving the relationship was at all part of the plan, that's not a great way to go about it.

And I understand that. Though, if Im being honest, I think I would want my SO to do that. What I mean is that I would never cheat. But if someone was using my profile on Grindr, and a friend of my SOs saw it and told my SO, I think Id be fine with the checking. If they asked me, I would say no. But I would feel like they might not fully trust me because I could have been lying.

But if they checked and found out it was me, I would now know they definitely trust me now. Since they know I wasnt cheated. Or, at the very least, thats how I would feel...
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Why would A want to salvage the relationship after finding out he was cheated on?

I'd go so far as to say talking about it only would be the wrong thing for the relationship. A would always have doubts and they would erode at their trust and connection. In order for the relationship to continue, A needs to be able to prove to himself that C is trustworthy. I get not testing people out of the blue, but this is sufficient reason to have doubts.

Although the ideal solution is F checks to make sure C is active and cheating by making a fake profile themselves all before mentioning it to A so that strain is never placed on the relationship but F doesn't have any obligation to do so, would just be nice of him.

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YoukaiSlayer posted...

I'd go so far as to say talking about it only would be the wrong thing for the relationship. A would always have doubts and they would erode at their trust and connection. In order for the relationship to continue, A needs to be able to prove to himself that C is trustworthy. I get not testing people out of the blue, but this is sufficient reason to have doubts.

I said all of this. The one person arguing with me says that Im just immature. I said finding out that it was him could make A trust C wholeheartedly. And talking would be the worst thing since both outcomes would feel bad to me...

YoukaiSlayer posted...

Although the ideal solution is F checks to make sure C is active and cheating by making a fake profile themselves all before mentioning it to A so that strain is never placed on the relationship but F doesn't have any obligation to do so, would just be nice of him.

This also would have been nice...
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SunWuKung420 posted...

Being upfront and honest is always best.

Gee thanks captain hindsight

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