Current Events > CYOA: Your name is Karen

(+) Yeah! (+)

It's a beautiful day in your gated community, the birds aren't singing because you installed bird whistle to keep those bastards away. You wake up alone, your husband having already left for work. You would leave for work to, but that's a man's job. You laugh to yourself and head downstairs in your nightgown and into the kitchen.
"Time for some breakfast." you say before pulling out your favorite bottle of wine. "It's 9 o' clock somewhere." you giggle to yourself before realizing the bottle is empty.

What do you do?
A) Time for a trip to Safeway
B) You're not going out, tell your daughter to go buy some wine for you
C) Have Amazon deliver you some wine

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A

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A

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A) Time for a trip to Safeway

This will not do, you go to your room and put on your "Trump Knows Best" shirt and your tightest skinny jeans, or well they're just tight jeans at this point, or really they're just jeans and happen to be tight. You know you need to lose a little weight but you can't go back to the gym because Julio works there and if your husband knew the things you did in the locker room he would never let you go back. He still pays for the membership obviously, have to put food on Julio's table, God knows that his family needs the money.

You head to the car and and put on your sunglasses since you're still slightly hung over from last night's midnight sip of wine. A few minutes into the drive your best friend Susan calls you.
"Oh great, this bitch." You grab your phone and answer. "Hey Susan, I was just thinking about you."
"Karen, it's an emergency." she says clearly shaken.
"Is everything okay?"
"No, it's Todd." Todd is her son.
"Is Rowdy Toddy okay?" you ask actually concerned as that boy is the future President of this great nation.
"No, it's horrible Karen. I went into his room today to wake him up for my morning foot rub, and I found him looking at man on man pornography."

What do you do?
A) Your wine can wait, Susan needs you, this country needs you
B) Ask Susan if she can call you back after your Safeway trip

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A
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A

lmao this is amazing

A) Your wine can wait, Susan needs you, this country needs you

Your jaw drops.
"Susan, my jaw dropped." your in disbelief. "I'm on my way." Susan is crying on the other end.
"I can't believe this would happen. I thought we raised him right. We did everything right. Church, summer camp,the rifles, the ROTC classes, mma classes...OH MY GOD KAREN THE MMA CLASSES, I PAID FOR MY SON TO BE GAY!" Susan screams through your phone, it startles you and you hit the car in front of you. You're okay, but the car in front of you looks damaged, but it's poor person car so it might have already been like that.

The driver of the car pulls over and exits their car. You gasp as they make their way over to you.
"Susan, I have to go." you cover your mouth with your hand so the man can't read your lips." There's a minority attacking me." The other driver waits for you to role down your window, he's pulled out what you can only assume is a gun, it may look like an iPhone, but there's no way he would have one.

What do you do?
A) You need to get out of here, drive Karen, drive
B) Get out and do as he pleases, no need to get shot
C) Call the cops

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C

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C

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AC
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C

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C
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B

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C

C) Call the cops

"Siri, call 911" you say as the man looks to you and shrugs. He mouths something but you can't read lips. You always had the chance to learns since your husband's sister is mute, but that's what she gets for being vaccinated. The hoodlum starts pounding on your window
"Excuse me miss,are you okay?" he's screaming, you're so scared. All you wanted was some wine and now your life is in danger. The man looks at you confused, he must not be used to a brave law abiding citizen standing up to him.

"Hello, 911 what's your emergency?" As much as you're putting up a brave front, you're scared for your life.
"HE'S GOT A GUN, GOD HELP ME, HE'S STANDING OUTSIDE OF MY CAR!"
"What's your location?" the operator asks. The man looks to you in shock. He starts screaming something about there being no gun, but you're not going to fall for his tricks. It doesn't look like the cops are arriving any time soon.

What do you do?
A) Pepper spray him
B) Drive Off
C) Stay inside and lock the doors, he won't kill you in broad daylight, wait for the cops


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B

A

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C

B

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B

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A then C

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B

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B) Drive Off

You look the the angry man yelling outside your window. Donald give you the strength for what you need to do. You grab the cross on your necklace which is coincidentally next to the NRA pendant also on your necklace. You take a deep breath and look at your attacker with the most well composed glare you can muster. "FUCK YOU SATAN!" you yell before slamming your foot on the gas. You car smashes into the other car, but you are unfazed.

The adrenaline carries you all the way to Susan's house. You don't remember the drive, it's all a blur. You crawl out of the car in tears as the reality of the situation hits. You stumble to Susan's door and start pounding on the door. A distraught Susan answers, her demons just as horrible as yours.
"Karen, are you okay, what ha-"
"HE TRIED TO TO RAPE ME SUSAN!"

What do you do?
A) Call the cops and let them know of your trouble
B) Your problems can wait, you need to be there for Susan
C) Ask Susan for some wine

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A
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C

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Rape isnt a joke or funny.

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CB

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C

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Duncanwii posted...

Rape isnt a joke or funny.

No one said it was, and for you to dismiss Karen's misfortunes as a joke really says a lot about you

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Duncanwii posted...

Rape isnt a joke or funny.

shut
up

AC

C

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Petition to add Duncan to this storyline

C) Ask Susan for some wine

You can barely speak through the tears.
"Susan, please, I'm so distraught. I need a drink." you say making your way into the house and into her kitchen.
"Oh well there's a bottle in the-" you've already helped yourself.
"It was horrible Susie. I was on my way here and this monster of a man rammed his car into me. I got out to see if he was okay and he tried to grab me. Luckily I pepper sprayed him and managed to get away." that's how you remember it at least.
"Karen, I'm so sorry you h-"
"Man this wine hits the spot." you pour yourself another glass. Susan looks to the bottle of wine, it was a wedding gift so you know it was being saved for something special. What's more special than a celebration of your will power.
"Enough about my morning, I'm safe now, and I called the cops already so I'm sure they're taking care of it. How's Todd?" Susan breaks down at your question.
"I was so caught up in your story I forgot about my poor baby boy."

Susan leads you upstairs to Todd's room. The door is closed, he is no doubt watching gay pornography. Susan hesitates to open the door. You put your hand over hers and shake your head. You reach into your pocket and pull out a bible. You hand it to Susan and push her behind you.
"Be brave Susie." You kick down Todd's door to find him on Zoom chatting with an older man.
"BACK THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE PEDOPHILE!" you yell before you and Susan charge Todd.

Susan grabs her son and pulls him away from the computer, the man on the screen is visibly shaken.
"Mom what the fuck I'm in class!" Todd yells. You run over to the computer and start calling 911.
"We fucking got you you pedophile fuck, Chris Hansen is already on his way!" you yell into the mic. The man on the other end tries to speak but you're cut off by your daughter's voice coming from the computer.
"Mom!?" you see your daughter on screen.
"JUDY!" the pedophile has been speaking to your daughter. This is the the second worst thing to happen to you today.

What do you do?
A) Go home, you need to save Judy
B) Stay with Susan and Todd, this countries future depends on it


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A

take the rest of the wine with you
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teepan95 posted...

A

take the rest of the wine with you

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teepan95 posted...

A

take the rest of the wine with you

teepan95 posted...

A

take the rest of the wine with you

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The only correct answer for every part of this CYOA is "I want to see your manager".
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A) Go home, you need to save Judy, take the rest of the wine with you

You look to Susan, the two of you nod heads in agreement. You rush out the door but make sure to grab the wine. You hop into your car and take off towards your house. You're crying as you speed through the streets. Your own daughter, sweet innocent little Judith McKaren, the victim of a child sex ring.

You make it a couple blocks before noticing your gas is running low, stupid hummer. You look for a nearby gas station, but the only ones near you are run by less than desirable citizens. However your drive is interrupted by the sound of police sirens. You pull so that they can speed past you, but they instead stop behind you. The officer gets out of his car. You nervously take a sip of wine.

What do you do?
A) Judy is in danger, speed home, this must be the cop you called
B) There must be an incident up ahead, take another route
C) See what the officer wants

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A

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AB
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A

A
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A

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A) Judy is in danger, speed home, this must be the cop you called

You don't know if it's the freedom or the wine talking, but you can feel it in your heart that this is the cop you called earlier, but your assault earlier isn't important right now, you need to focus on Judy. The officer approaches, but you know he's here to help you roll down your window and wave for him to follow before speeding off towards your house.

The police sirens wail behind you the entire drive.
"Hey Siri, play the national anthem." you roll down your windows and let the freedom ring as a second cop car joins the party.
"We're coming for you Judy."

You speed into your driveway, hitting a fire hydrant in the process. You rush inside and run towards Judy's room. She's inside crying, no doubt from what the pedophile must have done.

What do you do?
A) Comfort your daughter
B) have the cops take care of this

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A
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B
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B

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B