Current Events > Did any of your dreams involve events/achievements at an age younger than you r?

(+) Yeah! (+)

And how do you cope with the idea that you will never ever have these dreams come true?

For example, I've always wanted a youthful innocent nervous romance, and I'm too old for that now.

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In most of my dreams I'm either a toddler crawling around or either a cat or dog can't tell they are in first person.

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I'm talking about aspirations

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joe40001 posted...

I'm talking about aspirations

Never had any...

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I just pretend I'm not an old guy and do what I want in terms of aspirations. I've known people that fall in love like it's their first time every time so it's not impossible but I get what you're getting at.

And really most of my aspirations aren't too tied to age. I think in some peoples minds they may be though, so I guess I'm not really pretending anything in that regard.

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Kombucha posted...

I just pretend I'm not an old guy and do what I want in terms of aspirations. I've known people that fall in love like it's their first time every time so it's not impossible but I get what you're getting at.

And really most of my aspirations aren't too tied to age. I think in some peoples minds they may be though, so I guess I'm not really pretending anything in that regard.

I have what is basically a belief (delusion?) that "Things could've only been ok age X" and age X is an increasingly further time in the past.

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joe40001 posted...

I have what is basically a belief (delusion?) that "Things could've only been ok age X" and age X is an increasingly further time in the past.

That's not too uncommon. There are some norms and mores in society that establish these along with cleaner stereotypical generalizations that people make about how to go about life. I have a ton of ideas of what my age should constitute now based on those but I don't want them to inhibit what actually works for me as an individual. In some instances it's better to put yourself first over social norms if that's what makes you happy with the realization that life is finite. I should at least have enough courage to be able to do what it is I want most of the time without undue regard to what others think is right for my age.

I think this idea of having made it or having attained success by x age is mainly delusional as well. Really it's a process and occasionally you get to "make it" but most of the time you're chasing the carrot regardless of age and that's not a bad thing because it's part of the journey which constitutes the majority of existence. I have been trying to enjoy chasing the carrot rather than focusing on the overarching goals (or destinations) and not letting where the carrot leads me be dictated by others based on my age too much if that makes sense.

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Yeah, I imagined I'd be married with kids by my mid/late 20's. I never imagined I'd turn out the way I am instead. I hate myself for it.

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KogaSteelfang posted...

Yeah, I imagined I'd be married with kids by my mid/late 20's. I never imagined I'd turn out the way I am instead. I hate myself for it.

I think people have this idea where the grass is so green in that scenario but from what I've gathered people in that situation often talk about how they wish they would have waited a little longer but at the exact same time there's people who are content with it. Why are these people different? In my mind neither situation is ideal but instead the mindset of the person is either favorable or not. In short, if it's always much greener somewhere else you're always going to hate yourself for whatever situation you're in or journey you're on in life.

And really is it greener? I've had both men and women pour their misery out to me in that exact situation, showing some level of envy for the amount of agency I have being single, childless and moving easily. At the same time I've had moments where I wonder what life would have brought me if I'd taken that route and encountered people perfectly happy with having married and had children in their 20s. Are my goals worth adjusting my priorities away from that path? I've decided my priorities and they come with compromises, as do all priorities. Just set your priority and make it happen with a path. People fall in love with real fervor at any age, write that path down and begin the journey to make it real if it's what you want.

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Kombucha posted...

I think people have this idea where the grass is so green in that scenario but from what I've gathered people in that situation often talk about how they wish they would have waited a little longer but at the exact same time there's people who are content with it. Why are these people different? In my mind neither situation is ideal but instead the mindset of the person is either favorable or not. In short, if it's always much greener somewhere else you're always going to hate yourself for whatever situation you're in or journey you're on in life.

And really is it greener? I've had both men and women pour their misery out to me in that exact situation, showing some level of envy for the amount of agency I have being single, childless and moving easily. At the same time I've had moments where I wonder what life would have brought me if I'd taken that route and encountered people perfectly happy with having married and had children in their 20s. Are my goals worth adjusting my priorities away from that path? I've decided my priorities and they come with compromises, as do all priorities. Just set your priority and make it happen with a path. People fall in love with real fervor at any age, write that path down and begin the journey to make it real if it's what you want.

I'm nearing 40, have never had a date or anything close to a relationship. At this point it's less about the grass being greener, and more about me being such a loser that no one would ever want me.

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KogaSteelfang posted...

I'm nearing 40, have never had a date or anything close to a relationship. At this point it's less about the grass being greener, and more about me being such a loser that no one would ever want me.

I think the last portion is still applicable at any age. For some people it means simply signing up for a dating app, buying some clothes, getting a haircut or taking a shower, for others it means taking it seriously enough to see a professional if you're feeling stuck and doing the hard work reflecting on what to work on to get there. There's no shame in having to put more work into what might come easy for others. If you give up before you try you're already defeated not by your circumstance but yourself, even if you've tried before IMO.

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I've tried so much therapy over the years.

I think the 2 main things needed for change are "acceptance", just that you are were you are, but that reality doesn't actually limit your emotional reality. Like the past makes me incredibly sad, but the longer I pretend like it doesn't make me sad the harder it is to act.

Also you have to seek out being uncomfortable. The longer you are in a rut, the more used to that rut you are going to be. Unfortunately change is going to be very very uncomfortable, but you have to embrace that or even get excited by it, because at least it's new. And change will not come without it.

Therapists are kinda shit tbqh. Yeah they are fine with people who never look inwards, but for people with deep issues they don't really help you change, and change is absolutely what such people need. I've needed change for so long.

The days where i'm sure it's too late are the days where I have no hope and am least likely to actually change. Most days over the past 10+ years when I've looked at my feelings I've had this belief.

I'd rather be uncomfortable than depressed like this the rest of my life. But god damn when I get anxiety I get it bad. It sucks that life sucks for some people. And it's such a waste because I don't have real things holding me back. Just my own mind. My birthday is coming up soon. Such a wasted life so far.

I've got to fight like hell that it changes.

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People give therapists a bad rap but you gotta reallllly dig deep for the bad shit that goes on in your head and work on that. That's where a good one is really helpful. You gotta find a good one, though.

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berlyman101 posted...

People give therapists a bad rap but you gotta reallllly dig deep for the bad shit that goes on in your head and work on that. That's where a good one is really helpful. You gotta find a good one, though.

I've been to many over the years, and I dig really deep. I had one I was going to once or twice a week for 2 hours. The gunk is in my brain and soul and it is deep, but i'm very ready to be better and have been for years.

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I always wanted an anime-esque innocent romance when younger, but I mean it's not really a big deal to me these days.

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malenz posted...

I always wanted an anime-esque innocent romance when younger, but I mean it's not really a big deal to me these days.

:(

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joe40001 posted...

:(

but in reality, life never works out that way. for anyone. it's just fantasy in the end.

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malenz posted...

but in reality, life never works out that way. for anyone. it's just fantasy in the end.

I'm sure some people have innocent romances.

I'm sure many people have some of their dreams come true. It won't be exactly like you plan, but people can get some of what they want/hope from life.

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joe40001 posted...

I'm sure some people have innocent romances.

I'm sure many people have some of their dreams come true. It won't be exactly like you plan, but people can get some of what they want/hope from life.

maybe but why are you stuck on that? a lot of people, even those that aren't virgins and had relationships never get that. instead they get sadness and broken hearts.

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malenz posted...

maybe but why are you stuck on that? a lot of people, even those that aren't virgins and had relationships never get that. instead they get sadness and broken hearts.

Sure, but it's the difference between saying "manage your expectations" and "it's never gonna happen". The latter is not a useful thing for depressed people.

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As a late bloomer myself I get where you're coming from with the "youthful innocent nervous romance." You can pretty much only get that in high school or maybe early in college. Teen year stuff, pretty much. I still have had several fulfilling experiences as an older adult though.

I don't know, I can't necessarily relate to just dwelling on shit. Either you dwell on it for the rest of your life and you die, having never experienced anything that you wanted to. Or you start genuinely working on these things and taking one step at a time toward reaching them. Acceptance can be a hard pill to swallow for sure, but the alternative is basically just spending your entire life paralyzed and nothing ever changes. You'll be lamenting the exact same things 5, 10, 15, 20, etc.. years from now.

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joe40001 posted...

Sure, but it's the difference between saying "manage your expectations" and "it's never gonna happen". The latter is not a useful thing for depressed people.

perspective does wonders for your sad sack attitude. not everyone gets what they want. you just have to live in reality and realize life isn't what anyone ever expected. you can't force things to happen and looking back on the past seeing it didn't happen the way you wanted is just inviting yourself to be depressed for no real reason.

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Ultima Dragon posted...

As a late bloomer myself I get where you're coming from with the "youthful innocent nervous romance." You can pretty much only get that in high school or maybe early in college. Teen year stuff, pretty much. I still have had several fulfilling experiences as an older adult though.

I don't know, I can't necessarily relate to just dwelling on shit. Either you dwell on it for the rest of your life and you die, having never experienced anything that you wanted to. Or you start genuinely working on these things and taking one step at a time toward reaching them. Acceptance can be a hard pill to swallow for sure, but the alternative is basically just spending your entire life paralyzed and nothing ever changes. You'll be lamenting the exact same things 5, 10, 15, 20, etc.. years from now.

I've tried really hard to break out of it. It feels like every time I let myself have some hope or excitement for the future this big painful "YOU CAN'T!" comes out from "reality". I don't know what that is, if it's a delusion, if it's true.

It's pretty debilitating though, and I really don't want to indulge it. I was ready to be better 10+ years ago, I'm so sick of this hopelessness.

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malenz posted...

perspective does wonders for your sad sack attitude. not everyone gets what they want. you just have to live in reality and realize life isn't what anyone ever expected. you can't force things to happen and looking back on the past seeing it didn't happen the way you wanted is just inviting yourself to be depressed for no real reason.

You seem to have a lot of answers for things that "can't" be. But what can be? If your message is just one of cynicism I don't think it will help me. Trust me I've spent plenty of time in cynicism it's just took years from me and gave me nothing.

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