Current Events > Hi, I chopped jalapeños and then touched my bare penis.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Hey gang, my penis is burning a whole lot. I also touched my sack and that hurts too. Ive definitely had better penile sensations in my life.

When I farted there was a flare of pain in both areas but I think that may be coincidental.

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Jalapenos aren't even that hot. Quit it.

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KillerKhan420 posted...

Jalapenos aren't even that hot. Quit it.

this
you gotta douse it in reaper sauce. the soothing heat gives you such a rush.

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KillerKhan420 posted...

Jalapenos aren't even that hot. Quit it.

I can handle them in my mouth but apparently not on my bare penis and scrotum, unfortunately.

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You can get eye herpes from touching your penis and touching your eye.

Lap's feelin pretty hot, huh?

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Wait until you get pepper oil on your asshole.

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Might wanna hop into the shower

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Soak your penis in a cup of milk.

put some guac or sour cream down there

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I made hot sauce and homemade chili powder all summer and I did this at least twice.

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This wouldn't be a problem if you had a hammer.

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PatrickMahomes posted...

Might wanna hop into the shower

Lmao

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Keep building up your tolerance slowly until you're a masochist who can't get off without habanero juice burning your junk.

bknight posted...

Soak your penis in a cup of milk.

Seriously though, this, if it's bothering you too much.


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Please throw the cup of milk out afterwards.

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Man, what a ride. The pain in my penis has subsided, but the memories never will. When I woke up, I never thought Id burn my bare penis and my hairy, veiny ballbag on hot peppers today, but sometimes God has his own plan.

Do you think there were jalapeos in the Garden of Eden? Do you think Adam burned his bare penis and throbbing, misshapen gonads on a hot pepper? I will now lie awake wondering about lifes great mysteries and I will thank Jesus Christ every single day for giving me the glory to ponder the great unknown.

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pee on your dick

I slept for 16 hours. I have never had a dream that felt so violently real in all my years.

Adam, The First Man, is slouching in front of me. His back is crooked from the weight of his swollen, defeated ballsack. Thick rivers of dark corruption navigate his body, seemingly replacing his veins. He gasps for air. Adam is in great pain.

He stands on a bed of jalapeo peppers. In fact, the peppers are everywhere. There is no floor, no soil, no oceans. Only jalapeos lay beneath our feet now.

Eve stands in the distance. She wears a tunic of leaves, but is naked from the waist down. Her corruption is contained to her bloated, decaying scrotum. She holds the corruption in her hands and mutters, Ive become a stranger to myself.

I look down, terrified to know if Ive contracted the corruption myself. I havent, but my penis is gone. I look to Adam. He sports the same smooth area as I do.

Bare penises fall from the sky like rain. When they reach the floor of peppers, they ignite and burn away. Snow falls from the heavens pure, Adam recites. It is not to blame for being soiled by the earth.

Adam opens his mouth as if he were catching a snowflake. A long, bare penis lodges itself in his gullet. He makes no effort to remove it. Adam chokes and falls into the spicy abyss. He, like all the penises before him, is burned away.

Adam, The First Man, is dead.

I turn to Reverend Al Sharpton. His penis is gone. We can never go back, he tells me.

I awoke in a panic. I had sweat through my nightclothes and all of my bedsheets as well. My penis is here. Reverend Al Sharpton is not.

I know not of what this dream means, but I will thank Jesus Christ every single day for bringing me this nightmare.

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I put on a habanero contaminated contact lens in my eye once, I panicked since it was really hard to remove.

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bknight posted...

Soak your penis in a cup of orange juice.

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Hairistotle posted...

This happened to me but with habanero

CE just kept pasting the title as a response

This is why I love CE

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HotLap posted...

Hey gang, my penis is burning a whole lot. I also touched my sack and that hurts too. Ive definitely had better penile sensations in my life.

When I farted there was a flare of pain in both areas but I think that may be coincidental.

username checks

HotLap posted...

I slept for 16 hours. I have never had a dream that felt so violently real in all my years.

Adam, The First Man, is slouching in front of me. His back is crooked from the weight of his swollen, defeated ballsack. Thick rivers of dark corruption navigate his body, seemingly replacing his veins. He gasps for air. Adam is in great pain.

He stands on a bed of jalapeo peppers. In fact, the peppers are everywhere. There is no floor, no soil, no oceans. Only jalapeos lay beneath our feet now.

Eve stands in the distance. She wears a tunic of leaves, but is naked from the waist down. Her corruption is contained to her bloated, decaying scrotum. She holds the corruption in her hands and mutters, Ive become a stranger to myself.

I look down, terrified to know if Ive contracted the corruption myself. I havent, but my penis is gone. I look to Adam. He sports the same smooth area as I do.

Bare penises fall from the sky like rain. When they reach the floor of peppers, they ignite and burn away. Snow falls from the heavens pure, Adam recites. It is not to blame for being soiled by the earth.

Adam opens his mouth as if he were catching a snowflake. A long, bare penis lodges itself in his gullet. He makes no effort to remove it. Adam chokes and falls into the spicy abyss. He, like all the penises before him, is burned away.

Adam, The First Man, is dead.

I turn to Reverend Al Sharpton. His penis is gone. We can never go back, he tells me.

I awoke in a panic. I had sweat through my nightclothes and all of my bedsheets as well. My penis is here. Reverend Al Sharpton is not.

I know not of what this dream means, but I will thank Jesus Christ every single day for bringing me this nightmare.

bravo, sir

brestugo posted...

Please throw the cup of milk out afterwards.

Now that's just wasteful.

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HotLap posted...

I slept for 16 hours. I have never had a dream that felt so violently real in all my years.

Adam, The First Man, is slouching in front of me. His back is crooked from the weight of his swollen, defeated ballsack. Thick rivers of dark corruption navigate his body, seemingly replacing his veins. He gasps for air. Adam is in great pain.

He stands on a bed of jalapeo peppers. In fact, the peppers are everywhere. There is no floor, no soil, no oceans. Only jalapeos lay beneath our feet now.

Eve stands in the distance. She wears a tunic of leaves, but is naked from the waist down. Her corruption is contained to her bloated, decaying scrotum. She holds the corruption in her hands and mutters, Ive become a stranger to myself.

I look down, terrified to know if Ive contracted the corruption myself. I havent, but my penis is gone. I look to Adam. He sports the same smooth area as I do.

Bare penises fall from the sky like rain. When they reach the floor of peppers, they ignite and burn away. Snow falls from the heavens pure, Adam recites. It is not to blame for being soiled by the earth.

Adam opens his mouth as if he were catching a snowflake. A long, bare penis lodges itself in his gullet. He makes no effort to remove it. Adam chokes and falls into the spicy abyss. He, like all the penises before him, is burned away.

Adam, The First Man, is dead.

I turn to Reverend Al Sharpton. His penis is gone. We can never go back, he tells me.

I awoke in a panic. I had sweat through my nightclothes and all of my bedsheets as well. My penis is here. Reverend Al Sharpton is not.

I know not of what this dream means, but I will thank Jesus Christ every single day for bringing me this nightmare.

Sounds like the start of a CYOA lol.
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Strider102 posted...

Now that's just wasteful.

Agreed. Gotta give that cup to grandma.

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HotLap posted...

I slept for 16 hours. I have never had a dream that felt so violently real in all my years.

Adam, The First Man, is slouching in front of me. His back is crooked from the weight of his swollen, defeated ballsack. Thick rivers of dark corruption navigate his body, seemingly replacing his veins. He gasps for air. Adam is in great pain.

He stands on a bed of jalapeo peppers. In fact, the peppers are everywhere. There is no floor, no soil, no oceans. Only jalapeos lay beneath our feet now.

Eve stands in the distance. She wears a tunic of leaves, but is naked from the waist down. Her corruption is contained to her bloated, decaying scrotum. She holds the corruption in her hands and mutters, Ive become a stranger to myself.

I look down, terrified to know if Ive contracted the corruption myself. I havent, but my penis is gone. I look to Adam. He sports the same smooth area as I do.

Bare penises fall from the sky like rain. When they reach the floor of peppers, they ignite and burn away. Snow falls from the heavens pure, Adam recites. It is not to blame for being soiled by the earth.

Adam opens his mouth as if he were catching a snowflake. A long, bare penis lodges itself in his gullet. He makes no effort to remove it. Adam chokes and falls into the spicy abyss. He, like all the penises before him, is burned away.

Adam, The First Man, is dead.

I turn to Reverend Al Sharpton. His penis is gone. We can never go back, he tells me.

I awoke in a panic. I had sweat through my nightclothes and all of my bedsheets as well. My penis is here. Reverend Al Sharpton is not.

I know not of what this dream means, but I will thank Jesus Christ every single day for bringing me this nightmare.

Saving this lol

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HotLap posted...

I slept for 16 hours. I have never had a dream that felt so violently real in all my years.

Adam, The First Man, is slouching in front of me. His back is crooked from the weight of his swollen, defeated ballsack. Thick rivers of dark corruption navigate his body, seemingly replacing his veins. He gasps for air. Adam is in great pain.

He stands on a bed of jalapeo peppers. In fact, the peppers are everywhere. There is no floor, no soil, no oceans. Only jalapeos lay beneath our feet now.

Eve stands in the distance. She wears a tunic of leaves, but is naked from the waist down. Her corruption is contained to her bloated, decaying scrotum. She holds the corruption in her hands and mutters, Ive become a stranger to myself.

I look down, terrified to know if Ive contracted the corruption myself. I havent, but my penis is gone. I look to Adam. He sports the same smooth area as I do.

Bare penises fall from the sky like rain. When they reach the floor of peppers, they ignite and burn away. Snow falls from the heavens pure, Adam recites. It is not to blame for being soiled by the earth.

Adam opens his mouth as if he were catching a snowflake. A long, bare penis lodges itself in his gullet. He makes no effort to remove it. Adam chokes and falls into the spicy abyss. He, like all the penises before him, is burned away.

Adam, The First Man, is dead.

I turn to Reverend Al Sharpton. His penis is gone. We can never go back, he tells me.

I awoke in a panic. I had sweat through my nightclothes and all of my bedsheets as well. My penis is here. Reverend Al Sharpton is not.

I know not of what this dream means, but I will thank Jesus Christ every single day for bringing me this nightmare.

Pretty sure that's a European art film.

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Which was in more pain? The penis or the scrotum?
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This is a great thread

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Jalapeno dick

Username checks out.

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Machete posted...

Which was in more pain? The penis or the scrotum?

My bare penis by far. But it didnt hurt as much as when my father would put out lit cigarettes on my bare penis.

My father was a hateful man, but during his time in the United States Penitentiary in Hazelton, West Virginia, he found the word of God. He walks with Him now and I thank Jesus Christ every single day that my father extinguished his cigarettes on my bare penis because it made him the man he is today. Without Jesus hed still be in that West Virginia prison. Instead he stands tall and proud with the Lord while he finishes his sentence in the United States Penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kansas.

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Hairistotle posted...

This happened to me but with habanero

CE just kept pasting the title as a response

Same here,made salsa using peppers from my garden.Even after a shower I was in pain for about 3 hours.

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I'm enjoying the HotLap expanded universe.

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Are we ever gonna get a new CYOA?

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i wish TC could touch my bare penis

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Guys I'm a Mexican and I will give you a piece of advice I hope you guys follow. If something similar happens (touching hot stuff and accidentally touching other parts of the body) put the affected area on coca cola. It's been a home remedy since I can recall. Thank me later


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Doctor_Dementia posted...

put the affected area on coca cola

:( have to use the good cola. it's the champagne of cola.premium goddammit.
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HotLap posted...

My bare penis by far. But it didnt hurt as much as when my father would put out lit cigarettes on my bare penis.

My father was a hateful man, but during his time in the United States Penitentiary in Hazelton, West Virginia, he found the word of God. He walks with Him now and I thank Jesus Christ every single day that my father extinguished his cigarettes on my bare penis because it made him the man he is today. Without Jesus hed still be in that West Virginia prison. Instead he stands tall and proud with the Lord while he finishes his sentence in the United States Penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kansas.

Hmm. That's an interesting story. I'm glad that things worked out in the end and the story itself reminds me of something...

I'm not really a cigarette fan but one time a former boss made me so angry that I was about to physically attack him (it could have been lethal in context but that would not have been my initial intention). Instead I pressed the back of my hand against a hot cooking pan fresh out of a 500 degree (farenheit) oven because I had noticed that previous accidental burns had a calming effect so I figured intentional ones would too. I held it there for a good 15 seconds. A co-worker was like "what are you doing?" and I replied "saving <name of former boss>'s life." I had always assumed I was the third craziest person at that, while I presumed that co-worker was in the top 2. I felt crazier than him that night though. I ended up quitting that job for a better, less stressful one. The co-worker in question quit a few months before me and ended up getting the same sort of food service job at a different place. I found out about a year later that he went to jail for beating 2 guys with either a wrench or a tire iron (claims varied) following a dispute over a parking space. The other co-worker that I had rated in the top 2 for crazy (was a manager) ended up being forced to quit several months after that for vandalizing the car of an employee that she had become paranoid about, believing that said employee and her husband were "spies from corporate sent to undermine her." Considering all of that and the fact that I was not forced out or ever ran into legal trouble, I would say my assessment of the "top 3 craziest" with me at only #3... was pretty accurate.

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HotLap posted...

I slept for 16 hours. I have never had a dream that felt so violently real in all my years.

Adam, The First Man, is slouching in front of me. His back is crooked from the weight of his swollen, defeated ballsack. Thick rivers of dark corruption navigate his body, seemingly replacing his veins. He gasps for air. Adam is in great pain.

He stands on a bed of jalapeo peppers. In fact, the peppers are everywhere. There is no floor, no soil, no oceans. Only jalapeos lay beneath our feet now.

Eve stands in the distance. She wears a tunic of leaves, but is naked from the waist down. Her corruption is contained to her bloated, decaying scrotum. She holds the corruption in her hands and mutters, Ive become a stranger to myself.

I look down, terrified to know if Ive contracted the corruption myself. I havent, but my penis is gone. I look to Adam. He sports the same smooth area as I do.

Bare penises fall from the sky like rain. When they reach the floor of peppers, they ignite and burn away. Snow falls from the heavens pure, Adam recites. It is not to blame for being soiled by the earth.

Adam opens his mouth as if he were catching a snowflake. A long, bare penis lodges itself in his gullet. He makes no effort to remove it. Adam chokes and falls into the spicy abyss. He, like all the penises before him, is burned away.

Adam, The First Man, is dead.

I turn to Reverend Al Sharpton. His penis is gone. We can never go back, he tells me.

I awoke in a panic. I had sweat through my nightclothes and all of my bedsheets as well. My penis is here. Reverend Al Sharpton is not.

I know not of what this dream means, but I will thank Jesus Christ every single day for bringing me this nightmare.

https://i.imgur.com/sCWYJAV.gifv

https://youtu.be/Nysb-m49Ol0

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brestugo posted...

Please throw the cup of milk out afterwards.

Why throw a good cup of milk

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apolloooo posted...

Why throw a good cup of milk

smells fine. don't want to drink it. give it to the pet (if applicable).
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@AirFresh is this you?

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When I was 12, my family and I ate boiled crawfish and then I went in and masturbated. Turns out, crab boil seasoning doesn't all come off even after you wash your hands. Nothing burns worse than an overdose of that...sorry friend

Caelthus posted...

Are we ever gonna get a new CYOA?

I can't. I'll just let you down. You can't trust me. Hell, my bare penis can't even trust me anymore. But baby I still believe in trust. I think for awhile in my past... I forgot what trust was. That is until Jesus Christ came into my life and I thank Jesus Christ every single day for coming into my life.

Parappa09 posted...

i wish TC could touch my bare penis

Could I handle your bare penis? Could God create a bare penis so strong that even he couldn't burn it with hot peppers? Why doesn't God ever wash his putrid, rancid nutsack? Who knows? But here's one thing I do know. I know I thank Jesus Christ every single day for being the sperm the shot out of God's rotting, fetid yam bag, through his bare penis, and into Mary's unsuspecting womb. I hope this clarifies things.

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Gobstoppers12 posted...

AirFresh is this you?

it sounds like AirFresh.
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He found me. Last night I was startled awake by loud banging at my front door. I pulled my covers closer to my chin, hoping he would just go away.

I heard the door frame crack as he barreled through the door. I quickly sprang up and attempted to move my dresser in front of my bedroom door to barricade myself inside. I was too late. @KillerKhan420 threw open the door, grabbed me by the waist and threw me on the bed. His eyes were as red as a dogs bunger when hes making a smelly two. Loose grains of cocaine were falling from his nostrils like the seasons first snow flurry.

What are you going to do to me? I asked him as he undid his belt.
Im going to show you the true meaning of heat, @KillerKhan420 replied, fully removing his pants to reveal his bare penis and his charred, homunculus coin purse.

He poured a line of white powder onto my nightstand and whispered, Snort it up, hot yum.
More cocaine? I wondered aloud.
No, he answered. This is pure capsaicin. I dont want to hear you complaining about jalapeos anymore.

In one smooth motion his bare penis snorted up the capsaicin with the efficiency of a 1990s stock broker. His bare penis left a line of sweat across my nightstand. His once small, burned testicles began to swell in size. The char fell off his skin like someone scrubbed a grill.

@KillerKhan420 ran out of my room and returned with my rolling pin. Bite down, he instructed. His scrotum was now four times the size it had originally been and was releasing steam. It was glowing white hot like tempered steel waiting to be struck and molded by the blacksmiths hammer. I bit down on the rolling pin as I was told.

He pressed his molten ballbag onto my lower back. I could feel my teeth dig into the wood as I grunted in agony. My skin sizzled and melted beneath his fury. I had been branded. I looked at his bare penis, which was receding meekly into his torso as if it were apologizing for its owners actions.

@KillerKhan420 rose to his feet. Now you know, he whispered before heading to my bathroom and cooling his roasted chestnuts under a stream of cold water. And then he was gone.

I was never able to get back to sleep. The pain in my lower back was immeasurable. Although Im incredibly tired and had severe burns inflicted on my person, I will thank Jesus Christ every single day that @KillerKhan420 broke into my home and assaulted me. If he hadnt, I would have never been branded and known his perspective on the true meaning of heat. God is good.


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Fuckin' tag

although I'm sorry your balls hurt tc

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