Board 8 > Have you ever heard of anything good from a couple going on a break?

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Punnyz
10/10/19 9:52:07 AM
#1:


I feel like thats something that only happens in sitcoms

so anyways, this is related to current events thats happening to me

=(


There was an event that happened this past weekend. I did explain it in another topic already but I erased the post, I guess I don't want to talk about it anymore

long story short, she said she wanted a break

she did specifiy that its not a break up, but she always said vague things like I don't know what the future will hold. I mean, doesn't a break imply an attempt at reconciliation at least?

I guess I was upset at the time, because I didn't ask for details

I feel like people have different definitions of "breaks"

I feel like theres one where you're still loyal to each other and then theres the one where you can go with other people

shes gonna concentrate on her and her family right now. In a different conversation she did say that shes not gonna be okay any time soon, in the context of a few weeks

I don't know what she has in mind but this break might last awhile. I dunno how to think about any of this
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foolm0r0n
10/10/19 10:01:37 AM
#2:


It's a break up and treat it as such. The goal is to keep the other person on a short leash so you can pull them back whenever you want. I was the same as her and did that with my gf back in the day and it was terrible. She was able to fully cut the cord which was really good for all involved, so you should do the same.

Give it some time and if you don't find anyone else that's better than you can try hitting her up again and see how it goes. That's a real break, where the default state is never seeing the person again, but if things align then you could get back together and be stronger.

You could just stay in the comfortable limbo for a bit too, but definitely think about a time limit for you to cut it completely.
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CassandraCain
10/10/19 10:03:16 AM
#3:


Yeah my buddy just got back together with his girl recently after she needed a break. And they seem perfectly happy now as far as I can tell.

Breaks can def work out for the best in some situations, just depends.

Don't worry too much about it right now since that won't help. Only thing you can do is be patient.
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Aecioo
10/10/19 10:07:57 AM
#4:


The reason you posted, and deleted, is clearly not the only reason she broke up with you.

Consider that and rethink how you've been

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HashtagSEP
10/10/19 10:10:34 AM
#5:


If she's saying stuff like she's "not sure what the future will hold" and she's "not going to be okay any time soon," it sounds like a breakup but she wants to hold on to you as an option in case she doesn't find anything better.
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ShatteredElysium
10/10/19 10:13:41 AM
#6:


My ex wife and I kind of did this. We had been together for about 9 years and married for 7. We had been basically living as roommates for the last 18 months and so we decided I'd move out and see how we felt after a few months. We barely spoke in those 3 months and never got back together (although we are still friends). The topic of getting back together or going on a date or anything like that just never came up again

In hindsight, if we were both the same person then as we are now, I think it's very likely we could have worked things out and would have been perfectly fine (or actually wouldn't have had problems in the first place). However, sometimes you need to experience things to become a better person and change. Without that experience we would have never reached this point so its kinda catch 22.

It worked out in the end. We are now both with different people and I know I am far happier and in a far healthier relationship now. She recently got engaged so I assume it's the same for her too.

Sorry that might not be what you wanted to here but at least that was my personal experience
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foolm0r0n
10/10/19 11:14:20 AM
#7:


Wait after 9 years you were living like roommates and then just mutually ghosted each other?

That's some good shit
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Punnyz
10/10/19 11:19:04 AM
#8:


when we were friends, we would text each other every day

she said she wants to be friends still, but I don't see us going back to the old ways, at least any time soon

Yea, thats what I was thinking. This is just still a break up.

My depression has been acting up this past week cause of all of the things happening to me

it definitely shot up monday when we had a big discussion\argument and she just needed time to think

leaving it up in the air was probably not good, well, I know it wasn't for me at least. I didn't eat for two days

but whats funny is since this is more definite, I feel better than i did.

I still want her back, but this is not a thing thats gonna get resolved or fixed, probably within the rest of the year, so I can't prod or push it

but I also know yea, I can't give it too much time either. Probably like 4 months or so might be too much time. I did tell her to tell me if she doesn't see us together anymore and she said she would but who knows

I know this is gonna be a learning experience, I know we'll grow stronger from this, but damn man, I want to do that with her too
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foolm0r0n
10/10/19 11:22:11 AM
#9:


I think 3-4 months is a decent time if that feels right. I strung along my gf for like 15 months before she cut it off.

And if I wasn't clear, I did get back together with her, around 4 years later. But that's all up to the one who was broken up with (which is you in this case).
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Punnyz
10/10/19 11:23:27 AM
#10:


we actually got into this relationship rather quickly

we've been friendly to each other because she works next door for about a year. We exchanged numbers and had fun being friends for a few months

then we both told each other we liked each other and bam, couple

we went out twice, but it was more as friends

we started dating only then.

last night She said she wanted to grow as friends

thats a double edged sword though. After we were put on break last night, we made jokes and had a little bit of fun with each other. I guess the pressure was off

but she might decide thats all she wants.

Thats fine too, but man, that sucks lol
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Punnyz
10/10/19 12:41:09 PM
#11:


foolm0r0n posted...
I think 3-4 months is a decent time if that feels right. I strung along my gf for like 15 months before she cut it off.

And if I wasn't clear, I did get back together with her, around 4 years later. But that's all up to the one who was broken up with (which is you in this case).

Did she inadvertently offend or hurt you when you wanted the break?
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turbopuns3
10/10/19 12:46:54 PM
#12:


I don't know of any planned "let's take a break" scenarios that worked, but a few where it's a legit breakup and then after they process it all for a few months they get back together.

Kinda semantics, kinda perspective I guess. But, sure, breaks can be good depending on the circumstances.
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redrocket
10/10/19 12:48:17 PM
#13:


foolm0r0n posted...
It's a break up and treat it as such. The goal is to keep the other person on a short leash so you can pull them back whenever you want.

Everything that Foolmo said. You should feel free to start looking for someone else whenever you feel ready. And dont turn down any prospects that just fall into your lap on her account. Reconciliation is still an option, but do not put your life on hold waiting for it.

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banananor
10/10/19 12:58:41 PM
#14:


Punnyz posted...
foolm0r0n posted...
I think 3-4 months is a decent time if that feels right. I strung along my gf for like 15 months before she cut it off.

And if I wasn't clear, I did get back together with her, around 4 years later. But that's all up to the one who was broken up with (which is you in this case).

Did she inadvertently offend or hurt you when you wanted the break?

No. He means that the person that was 'put on break' usually doesn't want to reconcile

One, because they have self respect. Two, because there are no assurances it won't happen again, especially if you dont understand why it happened in the first place

You sound crazy infatuated, so I don't think either of the above would be an issue
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Forceful_Dragon
10/10/19 1:03:20 PM
#15:


My wife and I originally got together just after high school. We waited 13 years before getting married for lots of reasons, not the least of which was wanting to be in a stable enough financial situation before starting our lives together. There was about 2.5 year gap in the middle (year 6.5 to 9) where we weren't official together. And I won't lie, that was a very difficult time for me, but the end result for us was that we both grew a lot and rather than being eternally codependent to a negative degree, we became independent people who knew with certainty that we desired to be with each other and were not simply taking the path of least resistance.

I feel like the trajectory of our relationship is not fairly typical though, so take all that as you will.
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Punnyz
10/10/19 1:15:41 PM
#16:


banananor posted...
You sound crazy infatuated

this might be true lol

We would hold hands, go to a restaurant and get a drink with two straws, and just generally be diabetic, like something from a 1950s cartoon. and I ended up loving it. I did fall for her
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BetrayedTangy
10/10/19 1:17:15 PM
#17:


Actually on a bit of a break right now.

We've been having issues debating our future as well as some other just general issues, which led me to breaking up with her.

That said even though we're broken up we agree that we'll likely get back together in the future we just need to figure out what we're going to do with our own lives as well as what we can do better in the relationship.

So while I can't say for sure if this is going to work or not. I do feel like breaks can be handled well as long as both people continue to communicate with each other as well as just spend time together as friends
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Punnyz
10/10/19 1:37:25 PM
#18:


Her mom was going to visit her this past weekend

she told me about it and we got excited that I was gonna meet her finally

I told her I'd bake her a cake, I can actually bake some mean sweets

My mother has met my, well, Ex now I guess

and I told her about the cake

my mom started baking her own cake, as an olive branch from my family to theirs

ultimately, after two days, her mom did NOT show up. we didn't find out until late in the day sunday

My mom got her feelings hurt.

my mom criticized both my ex and her mom. Her mom is known to do this and my mom is very opinionated

so yea, I should not have allowed mom to get involved on this, she can be a firecracker in bad ways if she feels offended

now my ex, she has a kid. She occasionally cancels plans because of her kid. THATS FINE, I want her to do that. but she feels like she lets me down all of the time and hates letting people down in general

so yea, because of her mom she let my mom down too, in her eyes.

She started saying she never had to worry about doing this before she got in a relationship. Eventually it became what it is now, the break

Thats why I'm so desperate, I tried to fix it, I tried to reassure her. it was caused on my end. but it all spiraled out of my hands and into oblivion

Shes a tough cookie, but also sensitive inside. Her kid comes first no matter what. She hasn't had a relationship in years, took a chance with me, and this happened

I feel horrible

the worst part is, thats just how my mom is, and she moved on instantly. Shes a hispanic lady in her 60s born during a certain time, shes a certain way

but I think I hurt my ex when I was trying to talk to her. I brought up the times she did miss out on our plans, trying to say they were all fine, but I also used the word flake as a general term for missing out on something, but yea, thats not what that means and she took offense.

She took that as me actually having issues with her, and that I was being let down by bringing up those times. I only brought up those times because those were the times she brought attention to her thinking she let me down

and I don't think I did it in a sensitive way either, I came off harsh when I wasn't trying to. I guess I'm not a soft guy. So imagine me trying to explain the explanation during this volcano explosion

There just was no convincing her anymore

Yea, I can see it being my mom's fault, but I knew this about her, I know how she acts and I still let her in just because they've already met a few times in the past months and got along. My older brother doesn't let my mom in anywhere his relationship with his wife

I inadvertently said some wrong things during a critical time without thinking about it

I know she was emotional, I'm emotional too, but I don't blame her for thinking all of this

her and her mom are not on the best terms either, this event was supposed to be them reconciling. and her kid was devastated too because she hasn't seen grandma in ages. So when that happened, and my mom happened, then I happened, she just wanted to end it. She didn't have to worry about these things when we weren't dating

then she said most of the things I posted earlier, which was yesterday, and here we are.

I might delete this later. I might not feel like looking at this again.

Oh I left out the part where I had a big fight with my mom because of this too

Thats why i'm sympathetic to my ex, just all of this being dumped on her during a vulnerable time. She also has depression as well, and she never opens up to anyone because they hurt her. She used to be in a few abusive relationships. Then she tried me.
Yes, all relationships are not picture perfect, they have ups and downs, but I guess she just doesn't want those extra downs anymore, even though they come with ups
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Lucavi000
10/10/19 1:56:18 PM
#19:


Sounds like she wants to keep you in the friendzone.

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TheRock1525
10/10/19 1:56:57 PM
#20:


I'll always be here for you, Pun.
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Punnyz
10/10/19 2:06:40 PM
#21:


Lucavi000 posted...
Sounds like she wants to keep you in the friendzone.

Yea. and like people said, maybe she wants to keep me on reserve just in case, but its not something I can count on.

Like I said, we started having fun after everything. I really do enjoy her company. I guess I just need time to process this to find out what i want too. I can settle and make peace with it. I shouldn't let myself just be in pain either

thats why I felt like making this topic, to slowly read the words, and yall's advice too
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Lucavi000
10/10/19 2:15:32 PM
#22:


Yeah but its not good for you to be the back up plan or the emotional fall back. It will end up hurting you in the long run if it goes on for a while.

That may seem kind of blunt or extreme but I guess I'm the type of person that if I'm in a relationship and we break up then it was probably for a good reason. Getting back into things later doesnt necessarily mean that things are fixed

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neonreaper
10/10/19 2:26:41 PM
#23:


I'm far from an expert, but, I would try to establish some distance for your own sake. And if you guys hope to work it out, I think pining for her and trying to be in each other's business and trying to win her back is going to only make things worse. Sometimes you gotta learn that the hard way. It's an emotional time and not easy to know how to take steps in the right direction... or any direction.

but I'd say it's probably over and that sucks.
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Punnyz
10/10/19 2:28:44 PM
#24:


I usually break things cold turkey, but honestly I came to care for the kid, too.

I don't have anything to prove anymore to my ex but man, Imagine the hypocrisy if I'm like, you taking care of the kid is important

then I'm like fuck both of yall

lol

Honestly, I'm gonna treat this like a break up. I'm not gonna hold out hope, I'm gonna grieve and process this, and I guess I'll see where I am next year. I'll see if I still want her as a friend by then. If something happens it happens but I think thats the plan
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Gatarix
10/10/19 4:05:29 PM
#25:


Punnyz posted...
but I think I hurt my ex when I was trying to talk to her. I brought up the times she did miss out on our plans, trying to say they were all fine, but I also used the word flake as a general term for missing out on something, but yea, thats not what that means and she took offense. [...] and I don't think I did it in a sensitive way either, I came off harsh when I wasn't trying to. I guess I'm not a soft guy. So imagine me trying to explain the explanation during this volcano explosion

I feel like this is the root of the problem. Even though you're fine with her being busy, you're not communicating that properly. So every time what she hears is "uggh Pun is upset with me AGAIN" and after enough of that, she's tired of it.

I don't really have any relationship advice (probably best, as you said, just treat it as a breakup) but if you care about the kid, you could offer to babysit. Not really as a way to get in her good graces or whatever, just staying in the kid's life.
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Punnyz
10/10/19 4:52:42 PM
#26:


Thats not an option

shes protective of the kid, she took a long time to introduce me to her after we started dating, to feel me out before introducing me into her life

and I actually baby satted a few weeks ago for the first time. and even then it wasn't testing the waters with your whole foot, it was like putting your pinky toe in. It wasn't gonna be a regular thing yet

it went well, but thats not gonna happen again
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Punnyz
10/10/19 4:59:57 PM
#27:


but you're right though, I don't think I was sensitive enough or conveyed my emotions well

at absolute worst I was like "Awww okay, its fine :)" or "its absolutely fine, we'll do something next time" when plans got canceled

I guess that leaves wiggle room to make assumptions
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foolm0r0n
10/10/19 7:52:06 PM
#28:


Punnyz posted...
Did she inadvertently offend or hurt you when you wanted the break?

No it was just me being dumb
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foolm0r0n
10/10/19 7:53:41 PM
#29:


Punnyz posted...
We would hold hands, go to a restaurant and get a drink with two straws

Oh shit man she sounds real unique
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ninkendo
10/10/19 8:00:23 PM
#30:


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ChaosTonyV4
10/10/19 8:00:29 PM
#31:


foolm0r0n posted...
Punnyz posted...
We would hold hands, go to a restaurant and get a drink with two straws

Oh shit man she sounds real unique


Come on, dude
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MZero11
10/10/19 8:05:51 PM
#32:


One of my friends in middle school started dating this girl in 8th grade and they broke up/were on a break like 10 times and dated other people during some of those. They eventually got married and seem to be doing well last I checked
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Punnyz
10/10/19 8:25:44 PM
#33:


In my youth I've been broken up with, and some of which I didn't care cause I used to be a bastard. Some of them I did care for. and I've broken up with other people too

Eventually my girlfriend in high school and I got engaged when I was going to college, but my life was in complete shambles then, as some of yall may recall. I simply didn't want to bring her down with me, so I called it off. I was just no good at the time.

I broke that girls heart and I was a complete mess too

that was the last time I dated anyone, solid 10 years or so ago. There were opportunities but I just couldn't

until this girl

I was on the same boat too, I just had no interest in dating and I took a chance here. I actually became happy again. then I lost all of it over some dumb shit

The depression hit me hard earlier today, I had to take a nap.

Just now, I was about to force myself to eat an apple so I don't keel over from not eating and I finally just started crying. I was happy. I'm in my 30s now, I know its ridiculously early to think about something like this but I had more than a few passing thoughts about this might be my family now.

but it wasn't meant to be
I think My progress to recovery is NOW starting, I think I can take it from here, yall. I was just unsure about all of the "break" stuff

thanks for the words, everyone

this is stupid, but me and her actually stated dating because of Jojo's Bizarre adventure.

I guess its appropriate to end it on a quote from that show

To love and win is the best thing, to love and lose is the next
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Punnyz
10/10/19 8:26:08 PM
#34:


foolm0r0n posted...
Punnyz posted...
We would hold hands, go to a restaurant and get a drink with two straws

Oh shit man she sounds real unique

well honestly yea, who does that shit anymore
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Mitochondriagon
10/10/19 10:03:22 PM
#35:


Man your life never ceases to amaze me. Did you ever get another phone? Text me or something.
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BlueCrystalTear
10/10/19 10:10:01 PM
#36:


If she's going to make your downward spiral even worse instead of being the shoulder your need right now, fuck her. She's not a keeper if she's going to do this because "you're acting up" - no shit you're acting up, given what's happening.

The good thing is that this is thing #3 so you should be good, right?
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foolm0r0n
10/10/19 10:58:28 PM
#37:


ChaosTonyV4 posted...
Come on, dude

What should I say? Hey pun you'll never hold hands with a woman again in your life because you broke up with the only one left in existence?

I mean I'm sure she's cool and unique, it's just not because of simple things like that. You can do that with anyone. You really can.

(Also it's more intimate to share 1 straw anyways)
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ShatteredElysium
10/11/19 10:26:33 AM
#38:


foolm0r0n posted...
Wait after 9 years you were living like roommates and then just mutually ghosted each other?

That's some good shit


Not intentionally but it kinda worked out like that. When I say living like roommates it wasn't like we had an agreement, it just kinda felt that way by the end.

We had long commutes to work (~45-60 mins each way) and conflicting schedules. We never shared a day off and sometimes she also had to work the late shift. I would also sometimes get sent out of town for work. Towards the end that was when I realized things were really bad as she used to contact me every day when I was out of town but the last few times there was literally zero communication. So lack of quality time together definitely didn't help.

Second thing was I had a habit of falling asleep in the recliner as I had the earlier start for work whilst she stayed up later playing videogames or watching TV. By the time I woke up she'd be in bed and long asleep. So it basically felt like we weren't sharing a bed most nights either.

Our common interests dwindled along with intimacy and quality time spent together. We had underlining issues we never resolved during the relationship due to shitty communication too. So basically we were in a position where it didn't feel like we were in a relationship and were only living together as we were married. We both still cared for each other but we weren't sure if we still loved each other and it was hard to tell that with us still living together. I was willing to do marriage counseling but she didn't want to. So I moved out so that we could see how we would feel and I guess the love wasn't there anymore.

I don't know if both of us were too stubborn to try reconcile but like I said, it worked out for us both in the end. And as everything was amicable so we both got to remain friends.
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Punnyz
10/11/19 10:47:09 AM
#39:


foolm0r0n posted...
ChaosTonyV4 posted...
Come on, dude

What should I say? Hey pun you'll never hold hands with a woman again in your life because you broke up with the only one left in existence?

I mean I'm sure she's cool and unique, it's just not because of simple things like that. You can do that with anyone. You really can.

(Also it's more intimate to share 1 straw anyways)

I was actually with you until this, yikes man
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foolm0r0n
10/11/19 8:29:26 PM
#40:


Punnyz posted...
I was actually with you until this, yikes man

The straw part? It's fine unless the other person is sick
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PerfectChaosZ
10/12/19 11:11:45 AM
#41:


It could be said to be over but if you start seeing someone else its definitely over. Once went on a break with a serious girlfriend (her choice) after I did some shit. Almost a week goes by and I start seeing this other girl. A week or so later and my serious girlfriend is wanting to actually end the break. I panic and discreetly break up with the new girl and get back with my former serious romance. Could have forked that one up good. Our relationships been better than ever since then, much improved.
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Ryokles
10/12/19 11:47:56 AM
#42:


Yeah take it as a breakup man. Sucks but she doesnt seem like shes in a good place to date rn. Sorry punny
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UltimaterializerX
10/12/19 4:57:46 PM
#43:


Nope. Any girl who asks for a break wants to dump you and/or sleep with someone else and is just playing mental gymnastics to see if youll be a provider beta.

Dump her first and cease all contact. Shes already gone anyway but you need to preserve your manhood.

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SantaRPidgey
10/12/19 5:31:57 PM
#44:


I've been on breaks, and they have done wonders for the second half of the relationship, that said, I treated them like break ups and did my best to move on while I was on the break.

She's in a complex situation, and if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out.
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