Current Events > Is marriage counseling a waste of time/money?

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EvalAngell
06/25/19 10:41:20 AM
#1:


Only year 2 into my marriage and my wife has already suggested we go to marriage counseling. Things have been rocky in the household for the last year (coincidentally right around the time when our twin boys were born). We constantly argue and fight over money, responsibilities, and other trivial shit. The love feels basically gone and frankly if I wasn't for not wanting the boys to grow up in a broken household, I'm sure we would have been divorced already.

Anyone have any experience with marriage counseling and if it works or was just a huge waste of time and money?
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Sariana21
06/25/19 10:43:32 AM
#2:


It can work, and theres likely nothing coincidental about the rockiness around the time of the births. Adding one baby to a relationship is stressful. Two at once? Even more so. It is very common for marriages to go sour after the birth of the first child(ren).
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boxington
06/25/19 10:43:38 AM
#3:


if there's a chance of helping/saving your marriage, then I think it could be worth it.
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The Trent
06/25/19 10:44:30 AM
#4:


it's not a waste, but it's also not a fix-all
you both have to be willing to do a lot of shit differently if you want it to work
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J03can
06/25/19 10:45:22 AM
#5:


In any marriage you will go through stretches of not being "in love"

Councelling probably isnt a bad idea though
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Solar_Crimson
06/25/19 10:45:34 AM
#6:


^What everyone else said.
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HBOSS
06/25/19 10:50:46 AM
#8:


not married but my brothers say it each saved their marriage. mainly because they argue and fight and dont take the time to resolve it. the group is trust and community. the one they do isnt just a gathering to talk every week, they have valentines day balls (dine and dance) and other couples events throughout the year. they they go on a cruise in there somewhere too. theyre really involved with marriage counseling as they sponsor couples every year it seems.

my brother got our newly wed brother to go. hes uber resistant but his wife wanted to go. its opening his eyes to say the least.

one of my oldercousin cheated on his wife and they separated. he regrets getting caught cheating but also mentioned what couldve been if someone told him about marriage counseling.

sometimes you need the support of others who have lived and experienced what the marriage is going through to get and move on past the shallow interactions and engage in deeper meaningful conversations to effectively work on the marriage. because the work doesnt stop after your vows.
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DifferentialEquation
06/25/19 10:51:36 AM
#9:


I would try it. If it works, the cost of marriage counseling is certainly going to be cheaper than a divorce and lawyers.
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Cleo_II
06/25/19 10:51:47 AM
#10:


My husband and I went to marriage counseling and it was helpful for us. Although I didnt really like our counselor because she seemed biased towards my husband a lot and like she had very conservative values. But she did call him out finally because he was never doing the things she was asking him to. Like plan a date night or apologize for some wrongs he did.

It took a lot of time for things to click and for our behaviors to adjust though. So keep that in mind if you decide to do it. And not all counselors are the same. So shop around if you need to. The only reason we kept seeing ours was because my husbands schedule was crazy but she was right by his work so it was the only way we could get counseling.
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hollow_shrine
06/25/19 10:52:44 AM
#11:


It's almost certainly less expensive/time consuming than getting a divorce, which may still be on the table afterwards, but at least you'll have tried.
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HypnoCoosh
06/25/19 10:53:07 AM
#12:


Having kids will drive a colossal wedge between you and your spouse for the first couple years. Kids are so disruptive it's insane that people continue to have more after one or even two rounds of breeding.

Some people adjust better than other. But in my experience with two children 7 years apart, it was completely disruptive and almost destructive of the husband/wife relationship.

My best advice is don't afraid to argue, just get that shit out in the open and don't let it fester. Usually both husband and wife are stressed from the extra responsibility and both feeling like they are doing more and getting less. Not to mention date nights are gone or way less and personal alone time is reduced to almost nothing.

Not to mention the pregnancy experience is hard on BOTH the husband and wife. More so, no one even thinks about all the crap the guy is dealing with through the pregnancy (which is more often than not A LOT).

So yeah from pregnancy, to birth, to raising an infant/toddler your world is going to be fucked up for about 3 years easy.
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EvalAngell
06/25/19 10:54:09 AM
#13:


Thanks for the replies. I guess it's something I will strongly consider. Of course though, with doing this comes the added stress of finding someone to watch the boys while we attend these meetings.
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voldothegr8
06/25/19 10:55:21 AM
#14:


It's only a waste if one or both partners aren't on board to change anything.
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HypnoCoosh
06/25/19 10:57:08 AM
#15:


EvalAngell posted...
Thanks for the replies. I guess it's something I will strongly consider. Of course though, with doing this comes the added stress of finding someone to watch the boys while we attend these meetings.


Or you could skip the meetings and just find a someone to watch the kids for an evening and take your wife out to drinks and dinner and just talk. Try to remember what it was like just focusing on each other and go from there. If you can converse easily feelings will come out and you can both just listen to each other.
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Dyinglegacy
06/25/19 10:58:55 AM
#16:


Kids a can be rough. It's no surprise that one of the leading causes of divorce is money. Kids cost a heck of a lot of that sweet, sweet cash.
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HypnoCoosh
06/25/19 10:59:19 AM
#17:


We had another baby in December so I've been dealing with a lot of the same crap. My wife just went back to work after 6 months off 3 weeks ago and that again stirred shit up big time.

There were plenty of evenings we basically were ready to kill each other and pack our shit up. But in the end shit simmers down and you own your feelings and explain your position and things move along.
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EvalAngell
06/25/19 11:01:32 AM
#18:


HypnoCoosh posted...
There were plenty of evenings we basically were ready to kill each other and pack our s*** up. But in the end s*** simmers down and you own your feelings and explain your position and things move along.


Perfectly describes an average week in our home haha.
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HypnoCoosh
06/25/19 11:08:42 AM
#19:


I just keep reminding her it gets better, and it does.

Honestly the best thing you can do for yourselves is try to find a baby sitter, even if it's only for a few hours every few weeks or so.

That one night of getting out and feeling like more than mommy/daddy machines makes a world of difference.

Happy wife happy life lol
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Cleo_II
06/25/19 11:13:05 AM
#20:


EvalAngell posted...
HypnoCoosh posted...
There were plenty of evenings we basically were ready to kill each other and pack our s*** up. But in the end s*** simmers down and you own your feelings and explain your position and things move along.


Perfectly describes an average week in our home haha.

This also used to be us. One night I actually did pack my shit and drove off. The only reason I came back was because I forgot I took melatonin and was starting to fall asleep at the wheel lol.

Do you throw the word divorce around with each other? We used to do that a lot when wed argue. But then we sat down and discussed never using it unless we truly mean it. Because that word alone, even when you dont really mean it, is toxic.
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Dyinglegacy
06/25/19 11:14:04 AM
#21:


Don't believe the people who act like they have the perfect marriage. Chances are, they are on their way to divorce town and don't even know it. I've known the type in my personal life. Brags about never having disagreements, then next we hear one is cheating and they are getting divorced.

Nothing is perfect, and a little disagreement can strengthen a relationship. General rule, if there is never any argument, then more than likely it's because someone is always giving in to the other one. Usually the same person over and over. Too much argument can easily turn into resentment and hatred for each other, tho.

Having kids drops a massive load of responsibility into a relationship. If you had very little responsibility before, then this will disrupt your whole flow and cause argument where there wasn't before, because frankly there wasn't anything to argue over when it came to responsibility.
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EvalAngell
06/25/19 11:23:04 AM
#22:


Cleo_II posted...
Do you throw the word divorce around with each other? We used to do that a lot when wed argue. But then we sat down and discussed never using it unless we truly mean it. Because that word alone, even when you dont really mean it, is toxic.


No but I do say things like "ok so what do you wanna do about it?" when she says "I can't keep living like this. Something has to change." I tell her I'm not going anywhere and the cops would have to remove me from my own house if she wanted me gone.
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SauI_Goodman
06/25/19 11:23:56 AM
#23:


I've seen it work and I've seen it not work. But both partners have to be in it 100%.
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Ilishe
06/25/19 11:27:35 AM
#24:


Having a baby means adapting to a lifestyle of pure unrelenting sacrifice and selflessness.

It's no wonder 50% or so of people can't adjust.
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DevsBro
06/25/19 11:38:30 AM
#25:


We did marital counseling, and I'm very glad we did.
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FFVII_REMAKE
06/25/19 11:41:04 AM
#26:


How do you think your life would be if you were still single tc?
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Dyinglegacy
06/25/19 11:42:54 AM
#27:


Repeat this word with me, TC

ROUTINE

It's boring, but necessary when it comes to children.

Write out a boring-ass schedule and follow it. Down to a food chart of what you're family will be eating each day. A chore chart that each of you follows. Schedule in relax time and hubby/wife time.

Stick to routine.
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EvalAngell
06/25/19 11:45:48 AM
#28:


FFVII_REMAKE posted...
How do you think your life would be if you were still single tc?


It's a question I've been asking myself quite often lately.

All of my friends are single with no kids. They aren't exactly ladies men though. But they go out constantly every weekend and party it up. At times I'm a little jealous.

Listen I love my boys and I'm so proud to be a dad but I still can't say if my life is any better because of them.
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Dyinglegacy
06/25/19 11:48:16 AM
#29:


In my experience, it gets way better when they get a little older and you actually share moments with them that they understand.
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Cleo_II
06/25/19 11:52:19 AM
#30:


EvalAngell posted...
FFVII_REMAKE posted...
How do you think your life would be if you were still single tc?


It's a question I've been asking myself quite often lately.

All of my friends are single with no kids. They aren't exactly ladies men though. But they go out constantly every weekend and party it up. At times I'm a little jealous.

Listen I love my boys and I'm so proud to be a dad but I still can't say if my life is any better because of them.

Thats probably because theyre still so young. Once they get older and can be a little more independent, Im sure youre feelings will change.
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EvalAngell
06/25/19 11:57:13 AM
#31:


Cleo_II posted...
Thats probably because theyre still so young. Once they get older and can be a little more independent, Im sure youre feelings will change.


Oh no doubt. I don't want to rush the time and years but I really am looking forward to when I can actually run around with them and play games that they'll understand.
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HypnoCoosh
06/25/19 11:57:45 AM
#32:


Yes for me the magic number is around 4 when things start to feel better.
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Senta
06/25/19 11:59:15 AM
#33:


Since it clearly stems from the stress of the children, marriage counseling would probably help out.

Chances are, you each feel like you are doing your fair share, and that the other person isn't quite pulling their weight. You could use the third-party perspective to bring to light how you are both feeling, and not wanting to flat out state 1 on 1.
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The Trent
06/25/19 12:06:41 PM
#34:


HypnoCoosh posted...
Yes for me the magic number is around 4 when things start to feel better.


this
4 is the beginning of the end of terrible times
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Cleo_II
06/25/19 12:12:30 PM
#35:


In our case, us not being able to have children almost tore us apart. Stress of treatments, tests, an early miscarriage, hormones, cost, etc.

So not having children can also be detrimental to a marriage when you both want them. Just something to think about.
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The Trent
06/25/19 12:13:15 PM
#36:


everything in this world is detrimental to marriage, almost
shit just ain't easy
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Cleo_II
06/25/19 12:18:31 PM
#37:


The Trent posted...
everything in this world is detrimental to marriage, almost
shit just ain't easy

Lol exactly. Marriage is hard work but its worth it.
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voldothegr8
06/25/19 12:19:35 PM
#38:


The Trent posted...
HypnoCoosh posted...
Yes for me the magic number is around 4 when things start to feel better.


this
4 is the beginning of the end of terrible times

Unless they're girls, then that 4-11 age is merely the eye of the storm.
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EternalDivide
06/25/19 12:21:37 PM
#39:


Money, responsibilities, trivial shit. Sounds exactly like every marriage I know.
God knows that was my mom and stepfather. And my grandparents. On a daily basis. Trivial shit. And gun to my head, I don't think there was any mutual love between either sets. Idk what on this earth kept them together. I really don't. Grandparents hated each other. Mother and stepfather hated their lives.
Took one dying (the raging active psycho asshole in both cases) for the other to actually become a happier person. For the other to have peace, to realize life isn't an argument every day. That finances improved. That there was more to life than the daily trench warfare. The kids are happier even though they're all adults. Everything. Life is better.

If marriage counseling can prevent that. Go for it. If it doesn't help. Move on with life.
Just don't raise kids in a house like the ones my mother and aunts and my brothers and I grew up in.
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Prismsblade
06/25/19 12:25:15 PM
#40:


Just wondering but is pokemon SnS supposed to be a AAA on par with Mario odyssey, breath of the wild and xenoblade?
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Romulox28
06/25/19 12:35:20 PM
#41:


my wife & i are talking about having kids in the near future (prob start trying this fall) and this topic is making me very nervous lol
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s0nicfan
06/25/19 12:37:49 PM
#42:


EvalAngell posted...
Cleo_II posted...
Thats probably because theyre still so young. Once they get older and can be a little more independent, Im sure youre feelings will change.


Oh no doubt. I don't want to rush the time and years but I really am looking forward to when I can actually run around with them and play games that they'll understand.


I've heard children described as the "biggest mistake I'll never regret."

In terms of counseling, as long as you both go in with the understanding that the counselor is not there to play referee or mediator, but to give each of you the tools necessary to work through issues in a reasonable manner, you'll be fine. The moment it starts to become a way to get the therapist to agree with you so you can say you were right in an argument the process has failed.
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emblem boy
06/25/19 1:07:53 PM
#43:


When you guys are saying you'd scream back and forth with your SO, do you mean literally scream?

I've been with my gf for almost 2 years now, and just based on my personality, I don't scream at all. There have been 2 times when my gf has screamed because of anger or other emotional stuff, and just that made me doubt the relationship greatly.
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EvalAngell
06/25/19 1:17:10 PM
#44:


Romulox28 posted...
my wife & i are talking about having kids in the near future (prob start trying this fall) and this topic is making me very nervous lol


don't let my experience stop you. I have twins and that is completely different than having just one. If we had just one I'd imagine it would be super easy to manage.

emblem boy posted...
When you guys are saying you'd scream back and forth with your SO, do you mean literally scream?


No we don't actually scream. I can get a little loud and so can she, but it's not actually yelling. It's more who-can-come-up-with-the-most-sarcastic-response.
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GameofWheels
06/25/19 1:21:33 PM
#45:


This is why I never want to have kids. Theyre relationship destroyers.
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EvalAngell
06/25/19 1:22:54 PM
#46:


s0nicfan posted...
I've heard children described as the "biggest mistake I'll never regret."


We debated having kids for quite some time. But being in our early 30s it was eventually a "now or never" mentality and we just threw caution to the wind when having sex and let nature take its course.

I'm not going to say that I regret bringing the boys into the world. I don't know what the future holds for them. And I haven't done anything remarkable with my life so in the end they will be my lasting legacy on this world. I do love them and they are cute and funny a fair amount of the time. They're actually not that bad and only really cry when hungry or if they hurt themselves. They're also very handsome boys. So we got lucky with that too.

But their presence and the requirements needed to raise them has brought a tremendous amount of strain on my marriage and finances lol.
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HypnoCoosh
06/25/19 1:25:06 PM
#47:


GameofWheels posted...
This is why I never want to have kids. Theyre relationship destroyers.


In some cases "maybe" but a lot has to do with the personality of the mother/father as well.

In some cases a child can grow a relationship but it takes time. It's not all sunshine and rainbows but things do get better if you work through. If there wasn't a risk there wouldn't be any reward and if it wasn't challenging there wouldn't be any reward.

But I don't disagree for a lot of people no kids make sense and they live long healthy/happy relationships.
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Cleo_II
06/25/19 1:32:59 PM
#48:


emblem boy posted...
When you guys are saying you'd scream back and forth with your SO, do you mean literally scream?

I've been with my gf for almost 2 years now, and just based on my personality, I don't scream at all. There have been 2 times when my gf has screamed because of anger or other emotional stuff, and just that made me doubt the relationship greatly.

We raise voices but generally dont scream. But I have done it. I can probably count it on one hand in the 8 years together. I dont know the circumstances that made her scream but have you talked about how you feel when she does?
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emblem boy
06/25/19 2:02:05 PM
#49:


Cleo_II posted...
emblem boy posted...
When you guys are saying you'd scream back and forth with your SO, do you mean literally scream?

I've been with my gf for almost 2 years now, and just based on my personality, I don't scream at all. There have been 2 times when my gf has screamed because of anger or other emotional stuff, and just that made me doubt the relationship greatly.

We raise voices but generally dont scream. But I have done it. I can probably count it on one hand in the 8 years together. I dont know the circumstances that made her scream but have you talked about how you feel when she does?


Ya, it happened early on and hasn't happened again. It's definitely not something I am fine with. It confused me for a while though because I find it hard to know what's "normal" or what should be expected from a SO. From people that know me, I'm very calm and soft spoken, and things just don't bother me much.
but I know i shouldn't have that same expectation for everyone. I shouldn't expect everyone to deal with stress, frustration, or anger like I do, but I mean, there a limit of how I want my SO to act.
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The Trent
06/25/19 2:09:10 PM
#50:


voldothegr8 posted...
The Trent posted...
HypnoCoosh posted...
Yes for me the magic number is around 4 when things start to feel better.


this
4 is the beginning of the end of terrible times

Unless they're girls, then that 4-11 age is merely the eye of the storm.


i have two girls, one is 8 and one is 4
the terrible times end and the complicated times start
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