Current Events > my bf mightve cheated on me

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SSJCAT
03/12/19 5:33:20 AM
1
i found out he had a grindr profile that said looking for right now. to me that sounds like looking for hookups, he claims it means that he was JUST looking.

he says he hasnt cheated on me or chatted with anyone seriously. he says that he was unhappy (but not with me apparently) and that he had a moment of weakness just to see what was out there.

i dont know wtf to do
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josifrees
03/12/19 5:35:54 AM
2
Have sex with them more
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 5:38:24 AM
3
josifrees posted...
Have sex with them more

i have sex with them a lot. honestly i usually want sex more than they do...
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nurblug
03/12/19 5:39:22 AM
4
sorry to hear that tc.

SSJCAT posted...
he says he hasnt cheated on me or chatted with anyone seriously.


has he mentioned what he's talked about with the people he has chatted with?
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 5:40:18 AM
5
nurblug posted...
sorry to hear that tc.

SSJCAT posted...
he says he hasnt cheated on me or chatted with anyone seriously.


has he mentioned what he's talked about with the people he has chatted with?

no... he claims he hasnt really talked to anyone but i dont know
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Kazi1212
03/12/19 5:40:19 AM
6
Ever thought about being poly TC?
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 5:45:52 AM
7
Kazi1212 posted...
Ever thought about being poly TC?

not interested
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 5:47:23 AM
8
i dunno if this is such a great idea, but heres most of the conversation:
O87iPpK
bwhp73E
XWRzEwY
C5j0GjQ
VIyhNuX
LrWKYMn
4bBBRJe
FPeANR6
(oh about the makeup, he works at a haunted house)
this was all yesterday. i didnt end up seeing him last night but might this morning.
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Kazi1212
03/12/19 5:54:09 AM
9
Looks like hes unsure of what he wants, I know its hard but doesnt seem like its has anything to do with you but more about him
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My mind is an open book, do you find it entertaining? At least be original in your responses then.
SSJCAT
03/12/19 5:56:11 AM
10
Kazi1212 posted...
Looks like hes unsure of what he wants, I know its hard but doesnt seem like its has anything to do with you but more about him

i dont know what to do
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im not 13
03/12/19 5:57:46 AM
11
Sounds like a disaster...sorry TC

He "loves" the company and the sex but not the commitment

It's time to let go dude
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InYourWalls1
03/12/19 6:00:44 AM
12
I think your instincts are right in that it almost seems he doesn't want the relationship. Personally I think that would be too much of an erosion of trust for me to handle. How long have you been together?
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 6:01:40 AM
13
InYourWalls1 posted...
I think your instincts are right in that it almost seems he doesn't want the relationship. Personally I think that would be too much of an erosion of trust for me to handle. How long have you been together?

like 5-6 months
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DarthWendy
03/12/19 6:03:27 AM
14
Ugh. Men. Theyre all the same. Yikes.
Come play some soulsborne and well bicker about men too.
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pinky0926
03/12/19 6:05:05 AM
15
Sorry TC but your boyfriend is full of shit, and he's kinda gaslighting you here. He's trying to frame this entire bullshit like if you broke up it would be because of your trust issues.

Everyone knows what "looking for right now" on grindr means, and it certainly ain't just mulling about for a friend to talk to.

Whether you stay with him or not is your call but to me it doesn't seem like his grindr twilighting was as innocent as all that.
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Hairy-man
03/12/19 6:07:48 AM
16
It takes a certain kind of person and a certain amount of willpower to stay with somebody who has strayed from the relationship. (Even if it was just through text and not actually physically cheating)

In my experience, it hurt me more to stay with the person because you trust even less. Youre looking over your shoulder a lot more so to speak. I dont think you want to live like that.

Im sorry man. Youre a good guy from what Ive seen. Hold yourself to a higher standard. Respect your feelings and what you want. Do not let anybody walk over you
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 6:08:45 AM
17
i thought we were happy...

i was.
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shnangyboos
03/12/19 6:08:53 AM
18
I'm thinking the fact that he said he just wanted to look around is all there is to it. He's unhappy with you so immediately starts looking at what else is out there? What about the next time he's unhappy with you? He may not have cheated yet, but I'd put down a shit load of money that he will eventually.
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Hairy-man
03/12/19 6:11:11 AM
19
SSJCAT posted...
i thought we were happy...

i was.


Thats usually how it goes man. Youre not the only one going through this. I went through it except I actually caught my ex cheating.

I thought everything was good. People are good at lying man. People are good at manipulating the situation sometimes.
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 6:15:19 AM
20
the guy he dated before me they were together for like over 5 years but they cheated on him
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knowBODYnoestti
03/12/19 6:15:54 AM
21
I will read this later
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Ilishe
03/12/19 6:18:55 AM
22
How old are you?

If you're both still young like early 20 then I could see it just being life inexperience.

Otherwise you're probably going to get hurt here eventually.
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 6:22:27 AM
23
Ilishe posted...
How old are you?

If you're both still young like early 20 then I could see it just being life inexperience.

Otherwise you're probably going to get hurt here eventually.

mid 20s (im 26 hes 24)
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masticatingman
03/12/19 6:25:44 AM
24
I skimmed the texts, sounds like a pretty classic manipulator. He fucked up but is trying to put everything on you. 1) Tries to make you guys seem equal with OKCupid - we all know thats not the same as Grindr, which can only work based on being on it actively and which is 100% hookup (although admittedly, you probably should just delete your old profile if in a committed relationship imo just to avoid that argument - theyre easy to start up again); 2) Pushes you to instigate the break up - thats just to clear his conscience.

Also hes trying to talk to you on the phone so theres no text record of how hes scummy. Since now you can review it at your leisure.
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 6:28:34 AM
25
masticatingman posted...
I skimmed the texts, sounds like a pretty classic manipulator. He fucked up but is trying to put everything on you. 1) Tries to make you guys seem equal with OKCupid - we all know thats not the same as Grindr, which can only work based on being on it actively and which is 100% hookup (although admittedly, you probably should just delete your old profile if in a committed relationship imo just to avoid that argument - theyre easy to start up again); 2) Pushes you to instigate the break up - thats just to clear his conscience.

Also hes trying to talk to you on the phone so theres no text record of how hes scummy. Since now you can review it at your leisure.

i thought i did delete it but they still send me spam stuff in my email
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 6:32:02 AM
26
so... is this over then
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Conflict
03/12/19 6:34:05 AM
27
That became progressively more difficult to read. Gonna have to agree with pinky here, he's pretty much gaslighting you
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 6:34:38 AM
28
Conflict posted...
That became progressively more difficult to read. Gonna have to agree with pinky here, he's pretty much gaslighting you

you mean he was trying to get me to dump him?
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Ilishe
03/12/19 6:36:03 AM
29
SSJCAT posted...
Conflict posted...
That became progressively more difficult to read. Gonna have to agree with pinky here, he's pretty much gaslighting you

you mean he was trying to get me to dump him?


No, that means he's trying to make you believe it's all actually your fault, or at the very least that the problem is inside your head.
---
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Music_Rock_Cat
03/12/19 6:41:39 AM
30
Sounds like you two need space to think and figure things out. Dude seems confused and delirious about the relationship.
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 6:42:03 AM
31
he wants me to come over his house before he leaves for work this morning to talk. i dont know what to do
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DarthWendy
03/12/19 6:43:54 AM
32
SSJCAT posted...
he wants me to come over his house before he leaves for work this morning to talk. i dont know what to do

Do it. Such matters arent settled through texts. You younglings and your crazy texting. Go settle the issue eye to eye.
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 6:44:00 AM
33
like im still in love with the person that i thought i was with and i still want to be in the relationship that i thought i was in... but i guess it might have just been a lie
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rhklce
03/12/19 6:51:44 AM
34
I agree that hes trying to pin things in you for his lack of commitment. Dude cant do it, and who knows when his next moment of weakness is going to be. If you ask for space, you think he wont have another one?

I think you should go, but I think you need to keep your head in the game here. Its tough as heck. I know, but at least go and handle it in person. I would say hear what he has to say, but hed just manipulate you further and then continue to try to make you he the one to end it so he doesnt feel guilty and play victim..but I think you could do better.

Good luck, bro.
SSJCAT
03/12/19 6:59:48 AM
35
so its a bad idea to go over there this morning to talk?
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shnangyboos
03/12/19 7:04:03 AM
36
SSJCAT posted...
like im still in love with the person that i thought i was with and i still want to be in the relationship that i thought i was in... but i guess it might have just been a lie


Just keep in mind with talking about how in love with dude you are that it's only been 6 months. You really barely know someone in that time frame.
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jeffhardyb0yz
03/12/19 7:06:14 AM
37
@pinky0926 posted...
Sorry TC but your boyfriend is full of s***, and he's kinda gaslighting you here. He's trying to frame this entire bulls*** like if you broke up it would be because of your trust issues.

My guy. Always seeing through the BS.

TC please be careful. Your boyfriend is framing this on you and not on himself. BIG red flag. Just know that he'll be okay with this period of uncertainty until he figures out what he wants at your expense unless you either put your foot down or break it off.
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DarthWendy
03/12/19 7:07:46 AM
38
SSJCAT posted...
so its a bad idea to go over there this morning to talk?

I told you my opinion on the matter. Things like this are dealt with in person, for better or worse. Not through texts or on the phone. Go and sort it out one way or another, but face to face gosh darn it
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jeffhardyb0yz
03/12/19 7:08:24 AM
39
masticatingman posted...
Also hes trying to talk to you on the phone so theres no text record of how hes scummy. Since now you can review it at your leisure.

Orrrr he's trying to at least have a semi mature platform to talk this shit over on. They should NOT be having this conversation over text. These are better in person/on the phone
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Music_Rock_Cat
03/12/19 7:08:26 AM
40
Id talk to him in person face to face about it but be careful with choice of words and all that. Try not to escalte things into some serious matter where things get beyond both of your control.
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Parappa09
03/12/19 7:09:50 AM
41
reading over the OP and messages you posted, i'm not sure if he's ready for a relationship. he sounds like he's emotionally still over the place. also keep in mind that you've only been together for 6 months so it's still very early days.

it's completely up to you what to do. if you want a relationship for the rest of your life then you'll have to live knowing he's done this and that you'll have to trust him. even though it might feel like he's kinda broken that trust...

otherwise if you're happy with what you have with him right now, then hold him to his word that he won't do it again and tell him to work on his own trust/self-esteem issues because you're not gonna put up with this shit again

it's hard to say because my bf has done exactly the same thing to me yet i stayed and it's worked out for the better. if anything, he's probably the one more in love with me rn while i'm the one with a wondering eye
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SSJCAT
03/12/19 7:10:14 AM
42
shnangyboos posted...
SSJCAT posted...
like im still in love with the person that i thought i was with and i still want to be in the relationship that i thought i was in... but i guess it might have just been a lie


Just keep in mind with talking about how in love with dude you are that it's only been 6 months. You really barely know someone in that time frame.

i guess
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rhklce
03/12/19 7:10:57 AM
43
SSJCAT posted...
so its a bad idea to go over there this morning to talk?


I don't think so. I say go, but keep your head and heart separate.

He could be genuine, but I doubt it. Sounds like some shit I would pull back in the day. Hear him out, but remember the things you've read here. Stay above water, and stay realistic/reasonable.

Loves sex.
Loves company.
Hates commitment.

Is this what you're looking for in a partner? You could give him another chance if you want, but don't be unprepared if this happens again. He'll pull some bullshit on you and once again, talk about how you are the problem and he's unsure about what he wants.
SSJCAT
03/12/19 7:14:05 AM
44
im scared
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rhklce
03/12/19 7:16:39 AM
45
You got this bro.
Nidhoggr
03/12/19 7:17:59 AM
46
This board is the worst place to go to for this kind of advice. They see the word "cheat" and lose their minds.

You know him more than any of us. You need to go talk to him in person and create your own opinion on the matter. Remember he is human too with doubts and insecurities like everyone else.
rhklce
03/12/19 7:22:15 AM
47
Nidhoggr posted...
This board is the worst place to go to for this kind of advice. They see the word "cheat" and lose their minds.


I used to be a cheater. I'd say shit like this to get the blame off of me and turn the conversation in the direction that I wanted. I only said this kinda shit when I got caught. I'm not losing my mind.. I'm seeing a gay version of a younger me.

You know him more than any of us. You need to go talk to him in person and create your own opinion on the matter. Remember he is human too with doubts and insecurities like everyone else.


"Go talk to a manipulative cheater who will probably only spew lies and shift blame and/or somehow get you to stay in a committed relationship. You know, the thing he doesn't know if he even wants"
SSJCAT
03/12/19 7:37:40 AM
48
getting ready to head over there... dont really know what im going to do
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GasMonkey
03/12/19 7:38:13 AM
49
go get gangbanged as revenge
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DragonEnergyWok
03/12/19 7:39:28 AM
50
Thats a huge red flag dude.
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