Board 8 > Sign up to be a ruler in my Crusader Kings 2: Holy Fury game (with write-ups)

(+) Yeah! (+)

Zyxyz0 posted...

"Zyxes" would be pronounced the same way as Zyxyz, so this checks out I suppose?

Haha, I wasn't sure what the plural of Zyx should be.

Raka_Putra posted...

Well I can be cruel and still averse to wars I guess...
Also more drama with the lady might be nice :p but who knows how Katarina is feeling.

Katarina was a BEAST. She was probably fine with Raka being a bit cruel. Maybe it translated well into bedroom play.

~~~

Raka supported the carpenters guild in Rhos. I dont plan on holding onto that county, so I dont care what happens to it, but supporting local guilds sounds like a good plan.

Okay, now to go kill the fuckers who are waging war against my rebels because you cant fucking declare peace if these other guys have taken your rebels land. God I hate that mechanic.

Ugh, and then the enemy won against my rebels, so they took a piece of land. Not that I really care because the land in question was Genoa which is more trouble than its worth right now. Anyway, rebels surrendered, time for revocation.

To my lovely and amazing Chancellor Thora, I grant you the Duchy of Agder. It wouldnt have been possible without your help!

I took a look at marriage candidates for my children. Theres a genius girl of Bedouin decent who would love to marry my heir Zyx!

My vassals have taken over their first piece of land in Ireland. Lets see if they want to play the Tutorial Island game. I wouldnt mind if they conquered Ireland! Theyve almost got Scotland and theyre working on England.

My daughter Lady Bicycle is now known as The Heavenly and became Attractive. Yikes, she might actually turn out to be a bicycle at this rate. I matrilieanlly married her to a genius in hopes shed have some genius babies.

Oooh, more rebels to revoke titles from! And this time the leader is Haesteinn the Monster who Raka previously wanted to duel. See, what did I tell you? Just wait and you will be able to revoke his title later.
---

My mother died of Cancer. She also had one leg which was infected. RIP, Yrsa

Oh shit. DONKEY KONG, a totally normal man, and his totally normal wife, just had a Genius son!!! Hes nowhere near the line of inheritance. Anyway, I havent used the name Wynn in a while, so Ill name him after his own ancestor Wynn. Welcome to the world, Wynn DONKEYsson.

An artist wanted to paint a magnificent painting of my father, Douglas Edwards the Magnificent. I will display it in the grand hall.

Time to raise my son Zyx the Heir. 6 years old, and hes already too cynical for his age. What a smart little boy he is!

Oh shit, I didnt realize Consumption had returned to the capital. I shut the gates, hopefully not too late. A LOT of people are already sick. D: I threw out some nobodies, but I had to save my family.

Katarina is pregnant. Lets hope for a healthy baby despite the rampant tuberculosis going around. Also, I built a Leper colony. It was expensive, but itll improve Scanias disease resistance.

Oh no, another Katarina (who is not my wife, but is also married to another guy named Raka) was caught stealing gold from the treasury! I questioned her about it. Further investigation found out it was the cook, responsible for purchasing food had forgotten to account for extra eggs bought last month.

Zyx is envious, and since Envy/Kindness dont have any affect on Stewardship, I let him keep it. Doesnt hurt to have a high Intrigue score, and at 7 year old, he already has 11 while Rakas is 12 (Hell, Mama Katarina is only a 5)

WOW. My seer had a 2% chance of converting a county since the Germanic religious authority is low. Some other dude wanted the job and I was like sure whatever. What are your odds? 3%? Well, he actually did it! The madman actually converted Satakunta from Sunni after being seer for, like, 2 months!

Raka has a good bit of gold now. He decided to switch his focus to Scholarship.

Katarinas son came out normal. The game wanted to name him Douglas Edwards, so I allowed it.
---

...how did it become Sunni in the first place again?
---

Raka_Putra posted...

...how did it become Sunni in the first place again?

For reference, see the end of post 118. Basically, before I conquered Scandinavia, Denmark (which also ruled most of Finland at the time) had an event to mass convert to Sunni.

To this day, a LOT of my conquered provinces are their original religion because my vassals would rather use their seers to hunt apostates than proselytize.

~~~

Consumption went away, so I raised my gates. And the same fucking day, Lady Bicycle becomes sick. I swear to fucking god if she gets Consumption

The smallest spider makes Rakas son Zyx squeal and run for cover. This has started to worry him. Thus he told him Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Zyx didnt become brave, but at least hes not Craven.

Oh shit! I cant raise Runestones anymore! But I love Runestones!
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1576780452

Sorry, Zyx, I have to strap you. He became Arbitrary, which is the worst fucking trait, especially for a Stewardship character.

The fylkir wants to do another Holy War for Saxony. Are you high? It has never worked out! Im going to join the war and become Valhalla Bound just for the opinion bonus with my vassals.

Oh! This is something that doesnt happen often! The Dancing Plague broke out in Zeeland!
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1576780469

The greatest battle of our time. If only they could all be like this! (I was looking at Zyx because I just got the event where he calls a woman fat and I wanted to see how I should balance his Diplomacy/Intrigue).
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1576780488

May Lord Odin have mercy on this mans soul. You were a good vassal. May you rest in Valhalla.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1576780511

A 31 year old woman wants to marry my 4 year old son Douglas Edwards. Lady by the time the game decides hes old enough to impregnate you, the game will have also decided that you have 2 years left to have a baby.

Son of a bitch we actually won. Probably because I blitzkreigd it and stormed a bunch of castles right away. Well shit. Raka didnt want to be remembered as a war character, but the Fylkir forced it on him and now here we are.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1576780519
---

Who should I give this land to? I guess I could randomly generate some holy men. I have enough piety now.

HAHAHA, a city finished construcing in Luneberg practically the day I took over. In other words, the Catholics paid for a city which is now mine!

Im trying so hard to get Jarl Hrodulf of Gotland to like me. One day, I gave him a Ceremonial Axe and at the same time my Chancellor increased relationship with him. YAAAAS it worked! Raka increased the crown law of Sweden to Middle Authority, and now I can safely hand it out as a viceroy title knowing that the Viceroy of Sweden will have a decent amount of power. Out of respect for the man I basically had to suck up to, I made him Viceroy.

Yikes. Right after we won the crusade, my vassals decided to basically vulturize the poor 10-year-old Queen of Saxony who just lost her war. 3 of my vassals are at war with her again. In fact, one of the guys at war with her is a vassal who has been a pain in my ass and he died in battle!

Alright, the Crusade was won. Traitors have been dealt with. Laws were passed. Now what can Raka do? Hes gonna build an observatory and study the stars!

I got a notification that someone is trying to kill me. Then I noticed my spymaster has a -20 opinion of me. She was immediately fired and replaced with someone less good at spying, but who likes me more. I also went into hiding.

I found out who wants to kill me! My own son, Zyx! The first Zyx! The one who I disinherited in favor of his smarter little brother! He was imprisoned, and he will stay there for a long time. I also gave my spymaster a rather hefty reward for alerting me.

Another city finished building in Oldenberg. Man, those Catholics really wanted to give me a warm welcome.

Raka has spent many nights looking at the stars in his new observatory. It is truly fascinating, there are so many questions to ask. How do the stars move?

The spymaster I fired before is asking for her job back. And since I fired her, shes now at like -50. NO NO NO GO AWAY.

My son Zyx must have impregnated his wife before getting arrested because she just had a baby and Im pretty sure I dont allow conjugal visits even for my son.
---

Man, my seer jut converted his third province at less than 10% chance per year. (It increased a little bit since I won the holy war, but its still terrible odds)

And someone ELSE wants to kill me, so time to go back to hiding I bet itll be my second child, Lady Bicycle

While observing the stars, Raka has noticed some regular patterns. They have only raised more questions, though. For example, is Earth really the center of it all?

I just realized my wife Katarina gave away a lot of her jarldom titles. Good! I was hoping I could give them away after her death, but I was scared theyd all go to the now-imprisoned Zyx. >_>

I created the title Kingdom of Scotland! Then handed it off as a viceroy title to a Genius vassal in Scotland with 28 Learning. Wow! What a smart guy! He was also an adventurer and celibate (not that it matters for viceroyalties). I also asked him to become my court physician.

The research Raka conducts in his observatory is proving deeply fascinating. He could push his studies further, but it would require purchasing more equipment. Hell do it!

Umm, maybe I AM allowing conjugal visits. I just got a notification that imprisoned-Zyx got Syphilis!

Zyx has died in the dungeons. RIP, asshole. Good thing I named another son Zyx! (To be fair, this likely would have never happened if Id never changed my selection). Also, I married off his genius wife to another person in my court so she could still in theory make babies.

And speaking of kids named Zyx who are totally NOT dead I better hand of my other son to a Steward so he can get a stewardship education.

My brother DONKEY KONG is such a caring brother, always ready to lighten up the mood during a somber family dinner or play with the children. He is a great brother.

As Raka studies the movements of the celestial bodies, he has increased his knowledge of a great many things. He feels he is closer to understanding the universe.
---

Anything interesting happening in the rest of the world?

handsomeboy2012 posted...

Anything interesting happening in the rest of the world?

I'm quite a bit ahead of where I've posted, but thinking back to Raka's reign...

The Abbasid dynasty was HUGE and they waged occasional jihads against the Catholics, but were unsuccessful since the Catholics were well united against them. On the other hand, the Pope's Crusades were focused on me, so they didn't have time to take over Jerusalem or Spain or any of the other Muslim-controlled locations they usually care about.

Europe was largely dominated by Carpathia and Austrasia who were surprisingly solid. I rarely saw revolts happening in those countries. Their rulers were usually good people, crowned by the pope, with good traits. My vassals chipped away at the smaller countries, including the provinces I lost in a Holy War for France. I don't remember when it was, but I remember France went to some little boy who was crowned as a Crusader King and it really grinded my gears, but then one of my vassals slew him in combat when he was in his 20s.

The eastern Steppes are a mess with hordes coming and going, but there was on in particular that was growing pretty big at that time (until a certain historical conqueror came and fucked his shit up).

I almost never look toward Persia or India, but I think Tibet was getting quite large and pushing into India under the wise guidance of a Genius queen (and then with the bonuses her religion gave her, she had over 30 Learning).
---

Working in the observatory, lately he has been frustrated by broken equipment, week on end of cloudy weather, and frequen interruptiosn by curious intruders and even animals. its very hard to maintain concentration and get anything done. He must persist! The truth is out there.

Wow! My imbecile brother Borkvard has 12 Learning. Imagine if he wasnt an imbecile

I authorized the construction of a library in Scania. This will help spread technology throughout the empire so I can build better stuff even in far-away provinces.

Im trying to plan where Ill keep my holdings in the future. Right now my two duchies are Scania in Denmark and Nidaros in Norway. I think Id like to take Sjaelland and then create the Kingdom of Denmark, and then give away Nidaros and the Viceroyalty of Norway. For that to happen though, Id need to revoke the titles of my vassals in Sjaelland and theyre currently loyal. It may be a generation or two before that can happen.

Sigh I got another event about Katarina (the Steward, not my wife) stealing gold and this time she really was doing it! You will pay back what you stole!

Speaking of my wife, shes mad at me because I imprisoned her child. Yo, he was my child, too! And he plotted to kill me!

The Teutonic Order has declared war on me! They want my precious lands of ---.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1576780538

The Fylkir offered to join my war. By all means!

Err, but then the next day he learned that I was engaging in SCIENCE. He believes that my studies of the stars deny the truths of the Allfather. I mean I dont want to piss him off while hes helping me in my wars, but I dont want to stop studying either. I just kept silent.

Rakas studies of the celestial sphere is progressing well. He saw movements and relationships he had never dared guess at. It seems clear now that the laws that guide the movements of the stars must also be reflected on Earth in some way
---

My physician the viceroy of Scotland is now a Renowned Physician after curing Zyx from food poisoning!

Raka made a breakthrough in his discoveries! It cannot be any other way! The Earth is round and it revolves around the sun! He must publish his findings! Or should he? It would annoy religious authorities, and he IS currently defending in a holy war. His wife is also a zealous woman. Does he want to annoy her? No best to continue in secret.

I basically killed the Teutonic order with tactics. Namely, baiting them onto Sjaelland while the other half of my army was on a nearby boat. And then I chased them between Sjaelland, Lollard, and Fyn with my Organizer.

My son/heir Zyx had a son. Ill name him DONKEY KONG for now, but I may end up having a different one later since my son is 18 so that wouldnt be a lot of time. Anyway, good son. Hes Quick and has the Bedouin look like his mother.

Just found out theres a Kanzaris living in Estonia. Another game of lets name this kid after granddad three times in a row. Also, hes Ugly. Poor Kanz.

My amazing Chancellor, the Jarl of Agder, died. Her son is less than thrilled with me. :\

My vassals have conquered enough land to the east that theyve reached nomad territory and I got a popup saying I had to build a castle or else lose it on succession. Not a problem, but I need to save my money now. if I lose it, I wont care. Why do I need to save money? Because the fucking pope is about to declare another god damn holy war. I did well as an attacker because the Catholics didnt band together. Im not so sure Ill do well as a defender.

The Crusade is just for France though, which in this case is a bunch of territories my vassals took, became traitors, and then I had to hand to random holy men. I wouldnt be too distraught to lose it.

Bleah, yeah, that was bad. So now France exists. Lets see how long until my vassals conquer it back, just like they did with Saxony. Also, the pope crowned a 6-year-old as the "Crusader King of France."
---

My genius nephew Wynn looks a lot like the old King Wynn. Hes also a fucking amazing spymaster, holy shit. He is now my spymaster! I married him off to the genius woman who the first Zyx was married to and I really hope he has babies.

Raka is a content man. Hes also been fearing for his son DONKEY KONGs sanity. He just hasnt been himself lately. Raka invited him into the gardens to relax and talk about whatever he needed to talk about. It made him less stressed afterward.

I want to fix some of my attributes, namely get rid of cruel that I picked on accident and havent once lived up to. >_> I switched to the Theology focus to see if some of the meditation there would fix that. Of course, that involves putting a regent in charge. I saved my game and I swear to GOD I will savescum if my regent passes laws while Im meditating.

FUCK Consumption is in my capital again and I didnt realize until Lady Bicycle came down with it! SHUT THE GATES.

Rakas son DONKEY KONG comes to his study one evening. He appears quite agitated, pacing the room back and forth for a full minute before speaking. Father, I beg of you, please let me leave the keep. Please, you must! Raka demands to know his reason, but he refuses to tell you the specifics, only that it is a matter of life and death. Raka let him go. His heart was set on it.

Later, a guard came to tell Raka that DK was back. At first he was relieved, but the happy feeling disappeared when he entered the chamber with a ragged peasant girl in tow. Father, let me introduce Edla. Were in love and Id like your blessing.

Edla is an Attractive, Lustful, Paranoid Glutton. A real catch. Meanwhile DKs real wife is an Attractive, Charitable, Kind, Content woman who has given him three children.

Raka yelled at DONKEY KONG I trusted you to be careful! Both of you must leave at once!

Out of curiosity, I decided to see if any of Rakas other children were having affairs. Lady Bicycle was the exact opposite of her name, was actually deeply in love with her husband. Eveyrone else was also faithful, but not deeply in love. Of course, the first Zyx was dead and his wife was married off to someone else.

And then Edla died of Consumption. Serves her right for seducing poor DONKEY KONG.
---

Eerieka posted...

Later, a guard came to tell Raka that DK was back. At first he was relieved, but the happy feeling disappeared when he entered the chamber with a ragged peasant girl in tow. Father, let me introduce Edla. Were in love and Id like your blessing.

Edla is an Attractive, Lustful, Paranoid Glutton. A real catch. Meanwhile DKs real wife is an Attractive, Charitable, Kind, Content woman who has given him three children.

Raka yelled at DONKEY KONG I trusted you to be careful! Both of you must leave at once!

the donkey kong way
---

A few other people had Consumption as I was unable to shut the gates in time and I think Raka is going to catch it. :( The court physician thinks he has it! My physician/seer Godi Dag consulted the stars before treatment. He drained a good portion of my blood.

My grandson DONKEY KONG (this is the one who will eventually be Emperor, maybe) got into a fight with another kid today. His heart is filled with Envy. I told him it was alright, other kids are just selfish.

Raka has begun to cough violently. This is definitely Consumption.

meanwhile my wife Katarina is kicking ass and taking counties in England. I created a duchy-level title for her to give to Zyx when she dies.

Godi Dag confirmed that Raka has tuberculosis. I will consent to a more conservative treatment. Nothing experimental. Dag brought a concoction made from buckthorn and senna which gave Raka a really bad case of diarrhea, but he felt better afterwards. Dag said the foulness was expelled with his feces.

My grandson DONKEY KONG is always friendly with strangers and likes to make friends. Raka introduced him to everyone at court.

I was able to build a castle in that tribal land just in time. Phew! I thought I would die before doing it.

I survived tuberculosis! Wow!

Zyx and his Bedouin wife Bodil had another son, who was also Quick. Ill name him Douglas Edwards since I sorta want to redo Douglas at some point. It probably wont be THIS kid, but just in case the Donk dies, it can be him.

DONKEY KONG insulted a fat woman. I praised his honesty to the whole court!

One of my vassals declared a holy war for Mercia and now I have Knights Templar walking through my land. Cant help you with that one, son. But I DO want to murder these men stomping through like they own the place.
---

Two different viceroys simultaneously took over Teviotdale and Dunbar in Scotland. Good for you guys! On second look one viceroy is the son of the other! Is this a family game or something?

Alright, Im gonna have DONKEY KONG off to a martial guy so he can get training in world conquering. I gave him to Anlaufr the Viceroy of Scotland who just too over land with his father.

Some random nobody in Vermandois just declared war on me, the Emperor of Scandinavia, because he wanted to press his friends claim on the Temple of Derry in Ireland. Like, dude, is this worth it to you? Just as an experiment, I wont even raise my troops. I want to see my vassals kill him.

Ah, but now some Catholics have risen up and I have to kill them.

My son Douglas Edwards wants to join the Varangian Guard. Go make me proud, son.

Alright, the guy trying to get Derry got the Count of Connacht to join his team and now theyre 6000 strong. Guess I do have to kill them personally.

My spymaster Wynn decided to become an adventuer and try to claim my title one day. :\

WHY AM I NEVER INFORMED WHEN DISEASE IS IN MY LAND? (To be fair, I think there is a notification for it but I turned it off and FUCK trying to navigate that menu). NOW RAKA HAS SMALLPOX.
---

Also, my wife Katarina died, slain in battle against some nobody Sunni adventurer. RIP, you crazy woman.

Lady Bicycle died of Smallpox.

When my wife Katarina died, her titles got split up and handed to our sons. Zyx is now the Jarl of Somerset. DONKEY KONG is the Chief of Dal, and Douglas Edwards is the Jarl of Westrogothia.

OH FUCK, Douglas Edwards just burned DONKEY KONG at the stake!!! I wonder what for. Was he a devil worshipper?

Raka just healed from Smallpox!! Is this the healthiest man on Earth!?

Meanwhile, the guy Id sent DONKEY KONG to be raised by died. At least he made my grandson Brave! Thats pretty much the #1 trait I wanted Donkey to have, as well as Wroth.

Ironically right now, even if I were on primogeniture or gavelkind, Zyx would be my heir since my three eldest are all dead.

Some chieftess of Ulster or something wants to marry me. She just wants the Emperors baby so he can have claims on the whole empire. Fuck you.

Zyxs genius wife Bodil the Bedouin died in combat! Rest in peace, dear lady.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1577469045

I changed back to the Rulership focus hoping I could become Just or SOMETHING, but I think losing the Health bonus of Theology killed me. :\

Raka at death. I know going to war wasnt really what I was supposed to do with him, but thats his legacy lol: https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1577469052

His wife Katarina (died a few years ago):
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1577469079

Zyx (wearing a helmet in one pic and the crown in another. Hes totally bald usually): https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1577469094
---

@Zyxyz0
EMPEROR ZYX
b. December 4th, 1140
r. January 20, 1174 September 4th, 1190

Zyxyz0 asked me to do the Business/Stewardship focus, and the AI is already doing it! Zyx became count of some land in England that his mom conquered, so he had time to practice being a ruler before I, Erika the player, took control of him. In that time, he actually took the business focus!

His wife died recently and he hadnt gotten remarried yet. I selected a nice 17 year old Genius. His new wife Ngeva: https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1577469103

The game decided to remind me that we dont use Runestones anymore. We use these things called pens and paper. I mean, I didnt even try to build one. Its like if I have to remind you that we dont use papyrus anymore.

DONKEY KONG came down with Smallpox and I forgot to hire a court physician. I did so, and I found a Quick Renowned Physician with 21 Leanring. Great! Youre hired!

A few of my Viceroys died all at once and I was able to use this time to unfuck some of the vassalage tiers, i.e. putting certain counties under the rule of their rightful duke, or some duchies under their rightful king.

I gave my sister Erika the counties of Bath and Somerset, the Jarldom of Somerset, and then the whole damn Viceroyalty of England. You better not betray me!

I was at peace/defensive as Raka for so long Im now itching to go to war. My vassals seem to be handling the eastern expansion just fine, so Im going to focus on eating away at central Europe. Itll probably get Holy Ward eventually anyway, but they can only declare a holy war one one chunk of land at a time, so if I declare many wars at once, they have to pick which one they want to take back later.
---

Unfucking internal borders has always been my obsession in ck2. Would go as far as provoking a revolt just to revoke those inappropiate titles.

handsomeboy2012 posted...

Unfucking internal borders has always been my obsession in ck2. Would go as far as provoking a revolt just to revoke those inappropiate titles.

God I know that feel. I wish there was some option in-game to fix transfer vassalage en mass or ask your vassals to do the same. I hate finding out that someone has a -25 or whatever opinion malus because they "Desire control over the County of Fuckland." I periodically go through my vassal list, just hovering over their opinion and looking for that message. Especially after a viceroy dies.

Recently though, I've gotten to a point where I have enough Viceroy titles that I feel comfortable handing 2-3 to a single character and letting them unfuck it. They do a pretty good job!
---

Yeah viceroys are great. 'My dukes hate me because because of border gore. Here's a temporary king level title, it's your problem now'

Viceroys are a game changer. That period between "I own enough territory to be an empire" and "I have enough legalism to get Viceroys" is torture.
---

DONKEY KONG became a Tough Soldier, which is a shitty education, but at least its Martial, and it can be improved. His wife Leelo has higher Martial than he does. Coincidentally, Leelo is also the best Martial character in my realm, so welcome to being the Marshal! Please train my troops. https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1578349925
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1578349941

Oh shit, apparently this is going to happen again. Halland is right above my capital by the way, so time to SHUT THE GOD DAMN GATES.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1578349956

My wife Ngeva murdered a Jewish physician during a battle. What the heck were you doing in that battle, buddy?

My brother who became a jarl and then burned our other brother at the stake left his kids at my castle, and one of them had the Plague. Tossed her out like yesterdays garbage.

My son Douglas Edwards died of Plague. :\ Guess he wasnt destined to be the second DE.

My evil brother Douglad Edwards Son of Jormungandr also died to the Plague. :\ Another dead DE, RIP. No, actually, this one was a dick. Rest is agony, fucker.

During an attack on a castle, I got some kings war-hammer. Its STILL not as good as the Sword From Heaven that I got a million years ago.

My Chancellors are dropping like flies in this Plague. Im going to make people who dont like me into the chancellor so I can indirectly kill them.

I won my wars with ease, but this Black Death wont fucking go away. Holy shit, how long do you linger here?

Peasants rose up right in the middle of Plague territory. Im tempted to just watch them all die of plague. Sure enough, a day after spawning, their commander came down with the plague.

Cool, I indirectly killed a vassal I didnt lke by making him my chancellor but now I like all my other vassals. :\ Guess Ill be chancellor-less for a while.
---

More people suspect that cats are causing the plague. Go home, peasants

Haha, the peasant revolt leader died. (He just gets replaed with a new peasant, but still small victories.)

DONKEY KONG and Leelo had their first child! A son. I will name you Douglas Edwards, but probably not be the heir because youll probably die.

These peasants REALLY want me to kill all cats. I told them to fuck off.

Phew, the plague finally went away in my capital. Time to raise the gates! Surprised I didnt get more awful events about people sneaking in or eating the last boars head.

Zyx is fat. So fat that they had to design a reinforced throne to park his ass on. He could go on a diet but nah. I want him to be a jolly ol fat man.

What the fuck, that Black Plague literally died out before it hit the edge of my borders. What a fucking worthless plague. At least kill my enemies!

My son Pete Persnickity died of the plague long after it was gone. :\

DONKEY KONG had another son. I named him Sir Bicycle. And then my wife became pregnant! And the stars say this is an auspicious pregnancy. If its a boy, Ill name him after the ape as well so he can be my heir if things turn south for the older DK.

I had twin girls, and one of them was a genius! Im really regretting an accidental thing I did earlier. I had the pregnant wife during the harvest festival event and I accidentally made a bigger donation to Freyja rather than have my wife play Freyja. Im pretty sure thats a requirements to getting Attractive later on. Shit I would have loved having a Attractive Genius daughter

Hrm. I REALLY want this genius girl to be my next character, but the next on the list is a DK who must be male, and I wanted to do another Douglas Edwards at some point and he must be male. Screw it, shes going to be Lady Bicycle and maybe one of her children will be DK or DE. I named the other twin girl the next name on the list, Kycillia.
---

While his daughters were being born, Emperor Zyx was busy partying with Toke who is now his best friend.

Good lord, Ngeva is pregnant AGAIN. Are you Lustful? (I looked at her profile). No, but you do have scurvy! Should I be fucking you?

After the 25th Catholic Revolt for Scandinavia, I decided to hold a Great Blot! Raka never did this because he didnt seem like the kind of guy who would execute prisoners. But Zyx is all about the human sacrifice.

The Viceroy of Estonia vomited on the lap of the Chieftess of Breifne (in Ireland). My, how my borders stretch

DONKEY KONG just inherited a barony in this tiny parcel of land in the middle of Slavonia which is in the middle of Carpathia. Welp, good luck out there, son!
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1578349973
Why though? Why do I own this barony? And the one next to it? It doesnt have a History tab, so I cant even research if he inherited it or it was give or or what. It is HIS and not his wifes, but I just dont know.

Its been years and I havent gotten a single Business-relted event, so Im going to switch to Rulership for a short while.

Wife and I had another Quick son. If Lady Bicycle dies, you can be the next DONKEY KONG. I will name you appropriately.

The Vicerine is Lapland is going NUTS with revoking titles and reorganizing her realm. Hey, its all good to me!

My sister Erika, Vicerine of England, is now known as the Daughter of Fenrir. Jeez, and my brother was the Son of Jormungandr. Makes me wonder while one was Raka and which one was Katarina. :V

SO many Catholic Uprisings, I cant even be assed to do them. Cant my vassals do it?

Uhh my dangerous super-intirgue cousin Wynn is back in my court and hes become a Catholic. I have a feeling hes gonna kill me, so I better get rid of him first.
---

First, I better kill these revolting peasants (revolting in both definitions of the word). Okay done, NEXT

OH! The Fylkir declared another holy war! It always goes well for the attacker, so I think I can manage this.

Zyx met Odin and hes still high on the fumes of a holy war revving up, so he became Zealous.

On second thought, I think the Fylkir wants land thats too far inland and the Christians are too determined to hold onto it. Oh well.

I put myself and my wife in battle so we could become Valhalla bound, and then an enemy came at us and totally FUCKED us and then my wife became pregnant. >_>

I had MORE TWINS. A Quick boy and normal girl. Douglas Edwards and, uhh Erika. I dont know what else to name you kids.

Oh yeah, Wynn I forgot about him after the holy war started. >_> He went and became an adventurer.

The holy war is over! We got bent over and spanked so hard, our grandchildren felt it. Once my Threat level goes down, Ill do the usual thing where I declare four small wars at once.

Going back to the Business focus to see if I can get some trader events to trigger.

Also, lets go raiding! Its a decent way to make money. I have to go a little further out than normal since most of the British Isles now belong to me. Lets go raid the pope!

The twins, Lady Bicycle and Kycillia, have leveled up to age 6. Zyx will tutor both of them. Kycillia immediately asked why people die, and I told her that everyone dies sooner or later. She became Brave

I can be an absolute dick to my own son, DONKEY KONG. Thats petty, even for him.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1579271972
---

My wife Ngeva has really been letting herself go as of late. What was once a graceful and delicate woman has slowly become an undignified and hefty glutton, only excited about her next great feast Since Zyx is also fat, it would be awfully hypocritical of me to tell her to lose weight. Since he is fat, though, he gets an option to say theres nothing wrong with it. She may be fat, but shes still got a healthy 27 next to her Martial score.

I sponsored my physician to write a book, but it was dumb and now hes dull. :\ Oh well.

I hired some siege leaders to come be commanders in my army, and then married them to each other.

Lady Bicycle makes sure everyone gets their fair share. She has become Just!

Zyx may be a fat fuck, but after pillaging Rome, hes still a Viking! (To be more accurate, Zyx was in one of the other provinces north of Rome. I have enough troops now to raid all across the coast.)

Great thing about owning Cyprus is I can drop off my loot there and then go back to raiding without waiting a million years for the ships to go around all of fucking Europe.

Wynn declared his war on me, started in Byzantium, and he made it up to Scandinavia. So now I DO have to go all the way around Europe to fuck him up.

I caught Lady Bicycle lying to me. I almost sent an innocent servant to the stocks! I was about to tell her that even I was impressed, when I heard jingle bells? OH SHIT ITS DECEMBER IRL (I hadnt noticed we passed midnight while I was playing, and CK2 started playing the Songs of Yuletide lol):
Storm the winter shores of England
Fa la la la la, la la la lan.
Loot and pillage with your warband
Fa la la la la, la la la lan.

Alright, I captured and banished Wynn for another 500 ducats. Back to looting the pope!

Zyx became morbidly obese. All these years spent indulging my gluttony have finally caught up with me: my body has grown so bloated and flabby that I can no longer stand without help. I spend my days laying on my bed, looking at the line of servants going back and forth from the kitchen, carrying more delicacies to fill my insatiable appetite. Ironically, I also noticed that Zyx is Temperate so apparently the devs didnt make temperance incompatible with Fat. Interesting.
---

Also, I dont want to die without getting a nickname, but Im not sure Zyx has the right combination of traits to get a nickname. Would be a shame.

The 18 year old female siege leader I hired to marry a male siege leader died of severe stress. :\

Just as I killed Wynns troops, my steward who is also my friend Toke (never gets old) suggested I set up a trade route with a foreign land. Im not taking godis along. I think because Zyx is Zealous, he wont be able to stop them when they start annoying the foreign king.

Also, if we visit a Catholic king, I hope he doesnt mind that Im raiding the pope. >_> Speaking of which, I just stole a Crown of Lilies!

Ah, perfect, we arrived in a town run by a Sunni. This town is right smack in the middle of Lombardy (present day Italy, i.e. VERY close to pope-land). wtf, why is there a Sunni leader here? Hes just a randomly independent city in Bologna, of which the rest is controlled by Lombardy. This guy is so, so fucked.

Jarl Toke was stuffing his face and I was able to convince the Sunni man that this is just our religion. And then I became Midas Touched! Fuck yeah! Its not easy getting that education up!
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1581368302

I paid Toke for a successful business trip. Then I made that Sunni guy a special interest character because I want to see how long until the Catholics eat him. Its April 15, 1190 right now.

Although I plan for Lady Bicycle to be a seductress, I married her to a Genius Uyghur boy named Tuzmish

Oh God, Im 49 and already Infirm. Zyx may not be long for this world

FUCK, and I didnt get to have a nickname. ;_;

Zyx at death: https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1581368318

Lady Bicycle at succession:
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1581368331
---

Im going to explore the family tree a little bit. Sometimes it helps to step back and see where you came from. For instance, what ever happened to all of Denjis kids? What happened to Yavlad the guy I rescued all those years ago?

We all know what happened to Denjis first child, Richard Please.

Denjis second child, Heidy Kimichis descendants would go on to become Chief of Nordland, Smolensk, Sudzal, Kostroma.

Third child, Jacqueline Red-cheekss descendants would become Chief(tess) of Ross, Kashin, and Rusa, Olonets, Chlisselbourg, Jarl of Ostrobothia

Four child Ingibjorg the Imbeciles children would later include the Chief(tess) of Luki, Oulu, Gastrikland, Middlesex, Kallavesi, Scalovia, Bergenslagen, Borovichi, Vitebsk, and Jarls of Essex, Uppland, Skalvia, Gelre, a Vicerine of Novgorod and Frisia

Fifth child Tombolettas children would include the Chieft(tess) of Ross, Hadeln, Slupsk, Narke, Marienburg, Jersika, Oulu, and Jarls of Smaland

Sixth child Alany gave birth to a Chieftess of Vexin, but her line died out with her grandson

Seventh child Mana Hundred-Flagonss line also died out early, but he sired a Chieftess of Kashin

Eighth child Jan was a lesbian and had no kids

Ninth child Kanzaris became an adventurer and became a pain in my ass, but his granddaughter returned to my court and married Yavlad! Yavlad the 2nd and 3rd died landless, but Yavlad the 2nd had a daughter Katarina (the one who married another dude named Raka during the reign of Emperor Raka and Empress Katarina). This Katarina was a Chieftess of Oldenburg, Jarl of Angria, and Vicerine of Saxony. her first son inherited all those titles and died childless. Her second son inherited all that and then conquered Minden and Lincoln for the glory of our empire. Other Kanzaris descendents include a Chief of Kalevan and Viceroy of Estonia, a Chieftess of Osterdalen, a Chief of Oriel, and a Chief of Kakisalmi.

One of his bastardss descendants became Chief of Novgorod, Chief of Savo, Duchess of Halsingland
The rest either didnt have kids or didnt have any landed descendants. One of Denjis bastards married back into the Yavlad line.
---

When my empire and dynasty gets big enough I attempt to put kinsmen on foreign thrones through war or assassinations, pretty fun alternative than blobbing endlessly.

handsomeboy2012 posted...

When my empire and dynasty gets big enough I attempt to put kinsmen on foreign thrones through war or assassinations, pretty fun alternative than blobbing endlessly.

I've tried that on occasion (not in this game, but in previous ones) and I've had mixed success. I may actually try pressing some claims just for shits and giggles if I can, but a little piece in the back of my mind thinks that if I'm not blobbing, I'm not becoming stronger and I'm opening myself up to being conquered by outside forces. I may be at a comfortable point now that I can stop blobbing.

Oh, wanted to add too: In this game in particular, it's hard to play the marriage game since I'm the only Germanic Norse anymore, so no one outside my realm wants to marry my kids lol.
---

@FBike1
EMPRESS LADY BICYCLE THE DRAGONESS
b. June 15th, 1180
r. September 4th, 1190 July 30th, 1238

As I was setting up my council and court, I realized that I had my spymaster trying to stop a faction led by my spymaster. Like, I literally had her in her own county trying to convince herself to stop. :\ Needless to say, I fired my spymaster and got a different guy in.

My regent/teacher is an Attractive Brawny Berserker Cannibal Impaler. Yes, I made her my guardian. Shes also Lustful and I was hoping she could teach Bicycle a thing or two. >_> And her name is Beata, so Im going to pretend shes literally Beatrice from Umineko.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1581368338

Lady Bicycle told another child that if they played together, she would let them borrow her toys. Shes nice.

Every day, the cook chases me out of the kitchen, but not before Ive stuffed myself and my pockets full of biscuits. Mmm, sweets! (I really dont want to become Gluttonous. Please spank me, Beata!) (I think she did, but Im still Gluttonous).

A WHOLE bunch of rebels popped up! I wanted to finished fucking the pope before taking care of them, but in doing so, the rebels took some castle and killed a member of house Boardeight named Wynn. ;_; (I dont think he was closely related to the one I just banished)

One of my vassals decied to conquer the island of Lesbos. Well, this is a good sign for Lady Bicycles reign!

Another vassal conquered a piece of land in Wales and it was enough for me to create the title Kingdom of Wales! Which is great because my annoying ex-spymaster is a count in Wales, so if I give the viceroyalty to someone else, shell get buried under him and cant plot against me.

Ugh, the pope is gonna declare a crusade. Well, Ill lose some land, then gain it back.

My regent passed a law lowering crown authority. :\ Can we like stop this, please, Paradox? This is bullshit and you know it. I will torture her for this when I become an adult. In the mean time, I hired a new guardian, since Beata was both regent and guardian, but I can't fire her as regent.

~~~

LOL GameFAQs:

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Referring to a lesbian as a "lesbo" is not acceptable. Make sure that's not what you're doing here.

I mean... I was literally just calling the island by its name... and it happens to be famous for being the origin of lesbians. \_()_/
---

With the extraordinarily absurd amount of money Zyx made, I donated to the Jomskivings for some extra temple vassal opinion and to pretend that its going to help when the crusade fucks us. :\

On the plus side, if I hold back my own troops and let my vassals get fucked, that will allow Bicycle to grow up in relative peace since her vassals wont have the courage to revolt against her.

I just realized that my betrothed is Incapable from a fucking Flu. Really hope you recover from that, dude, or else Ill really have no choice but to become the court bicycle.

With the zillions of ductas Daddy Zyx acquired for me, Im gonna buy ALL the mercs (or at least the three biggest/most expensive) and go to fucking town on these Catholics.

I am winning a million battles, but Im technically losing the Crusade because these punk-ass bitches are taking my lands in random places such as the British Isles, Byzantium, Genoa, and DONKEY KONGs tiny little barony in the middle of Carpathia. Technically Saxony is the target of the Crusade but Im defending it well. I wonder what will happen when the pope hits 100% war score without taking Saxon lands. Will he take those random little lands and give up on Saxony? Will he be prevented from winning until he takes Saxony? Will he take Saxony anyway even without sieging it because fuck you?

Anyway, Lady Bicycle has some deep questions that she wants to ask her guardian. And what will he say? Whatever it was, he made her shy. Alright, hes next on the chopping block once I become an adult. Which is in 2 months! Yay!

Word of an Epidemic is spreading! The Black Plague will spread again, originating in the lands of this man with a napkin over his mouth (I probably just offended someones religion) uhh, what did you say your name was again?
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1582123107
---

I grew up! Happy birthday to Empress Lady Bicycle! My regent Beata is already on the list of people to kill!
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1582123124

The Catholics might take my land, but Ive won a moral victory. I stole a Nail of the True Cross from the Queen of Austrasia.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1582123137

Lady Bicycle isnt a bad duelist, so she will fight him personally. She wins with ease.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1582123157

Jesus Christ, I was out at sea for like 5 seconds and I got scurvy. THIS IS WHY YOU DONT LET YOUR RULER BECOME A COMMANDER.

My physician Haraldr (who I married to my mom btw) told me to eat oranges to combat scurvy. Wait, real medical advice? In MY CK2? Its more likely than you think. (I think this scurvy event is one of the few where the game is programmed to offer good advice specific to the illness)

I murdered Beata, my regent who had allowed the crown authority to dip down. Now to kill my mentor who allowed me to become a social recluse. I almost feel bad that guy has 100 opinion of me.

Yep, sure enough. Fuckers just took Saxony despite not sieging a SINGLE province from it. Fuck you, pope. Im gonna declare war for it right now.

After killing Beata, I acquired the Kingdom of Lapland title. I gave it to a Lustful guy and then started seducing him. Since he already liked me because I gave him a title, I seduced him with ease. I became Lustful.
---

I became pregnant. I will avoid any hard work while the baby is growing.

My spymaster is terrible at everything EXCEPT spymastering (also, hes definitely a devil worshipper as 4 of his intrigue points are from unknown sources.) Anyway, hes already retaking land taken by the crusaders, so more power to him.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1582123180

I had a Genius daughter! Well, the next in line is supposed to be either DONKEY KONG or Douglas Edwards, and theyre both boys, soo you better hope I have a genius son, or else this will be the heir! I named her Kycillia just in case.

Now Im going to seduce my spymaster.

I was asked if I wanted to breastfeed Kycillia. Sure? Its lower fertility for 2 years, but Im probably going to get pregnant from seduction events anyway.

I was right about my spymaster being a devil worshipper. He wants me to join the Fellowship. It would give Lady Bicycle opportunities to have orgies and it would bump up her Intrigue up. She could also cast Unholy Impregnation on herself if she levels up and that could lead to a DK/DE who is a devil spawn, which would be appropriate to their character. Hmm. Lets do it! Just for the orgies and demon babies. I dont really think Lady Bicycle wants to tear off faces. During the initiation, Lady Bicycle mumbled something about doing something about her rival who is the wife of the previous man she seduced lol.

Haha, my poor spymaster is all over the place with me. In one day, I got an event about the Fellowship from him, an event about me seducing him, and an event about blackmailing a vassal to keep him loyal.

I became pregnant before the sex event for either the Fellowship OR my seduction. Also, Bicycle is certain the kid is actually her husbands kid. Wow.

She feels the baby kicking. Hes going to be a great warrior! If its a boy, hes definitely a DONKEY KONG.

The Fellowship sex initiation was done by Mayor Gudfrid of Nacascogh in Lolland, Sjaelland. Not to far from my capital. Hes now my third lover.

Immediately upon joining, I am the 11th in line to the position of Trollmadr out of 35 members. A big bonus to that is because I have the trait Genius. The Hel-worshippers really like geniuses!
---

Ive been raiding the pope this whole time, of course, and I captured some virgin women living in castles nearby. I had an event to sacrifice one, and so I did.

My spymaster succeeed in his war to reclaim land the crusaders took. Just a single province, but Ill be doing my own wars pretty soon.

Viceroy Raka of England took another province. Meanwhile, Raka the 3rd became a double jarl. Jesus Christ, how many Rakas do I have?! Theres another Raka (grandson of Emperor Raka) who is Chief of Dal and he has a newborn grandson named Raka.

Oh, my husband is finally suspicious that Im having an affair. I lied, and made him feel guilty for ever asking such a question! meanwhile, the man I was accused of having an affair with (which is true) took more land in Scotland from those filthy Crusaders. Ya ya go my lovers!

My last two siblings, who were also twins, came of age. I married the boy to a Strong woman in hopes theyd make strong babies. I married the woman to the Jarl of Cyprus as thanks for being a loading dock as I pillage the southern coast of Europe.

Speaking of which, I became a Viking! I lead my army just long enough to get that trait. Im going back to my castle now.

DONKEY KONG didnt spend all that time kicking in my belly just for show. Hes got 2 Martial as a 0 year old.

In other parts of the world, the last of the Assassins were destroyed!

I held a Great Blot to sacrifice some of the Catholics I kidnapped from the popes lands. During the feast afterwards, a fat, drunk poet vomited in the lap of a mentally slow homosexual jarl.

One of my viceroys refused seduction and told me to stay away forever. I revoked his honorary titles.
---

I swear Crusades are pretty OP now, 9 times out of 10 Catholics would win.
Also, 4th crusade actually happened in my game! It was right on top of a Jihad, now Muslims control Anatolia and the rest of the Byzantine empire is completely shattered into Duchies. Venice managed to grab Crete and a number of coastal counties.

I could have sworn I posted an update when I got home from work, but I guess not...

handsomeboy2012 posted...

I swear Crusades are pretty OP now, 9 times out of 10 Catholics would win.

I actually got a little sick of them always winning when I was a defender and looked up if there were any tricks to it. Apparently if you bum rush the Papacy and siege the pope's lands, it works? Haven't tried it yet, since I've been taking a break from CK2 while I have a ton of work.

~~~

Im doing the thing where I wage three wars at once to reclaim land. Fuck Saxony.

Also, Lady Bicycle became depressed for no reason. Poor girl. :(

The last province belonging to the crusader in Scotland has been brought to my side through unconventional means. Germanic Zealots rose up in rebellion and forced the king to abdicate in favor of a Germanic ruler. I then politely asked him if he wanted to be my vassal, and he was more than happy to oblige.

My husband Tuzmish has become a fat glutton, despite my advice for him to chill out.

Aaand, now I might become fat! All because Lady Bicycle keeps eating as a means to cope with her stress and depression. Come on girl, you can do this. Dont become fat. There are other ways.

My lover/spymaster Viceroy Totil wants to summon a Jotun Lord. This could make me more Intriguing, so Ill do it. We summoned Vetis, who gives me +3 Intirgue. Huzzah!

Also, my dieting has paid off and Im no longer Gluttonous! Thats a solid +15 to every man in the world now (except I think for those who are also Gluttonous). My quest to seduce men is going even greater.

I just realized that Burgundy, one of the countries Im at war with, somehow became a Khanate lol.

I just randomly got a message about a blessed Catholic man becoming a saint. Uhh good for him?

Meanwhile, Im going to go desecrate a temple for a mission in the Fellowship. I knocked out the godi and sacrificed him to Hel. Soon after, I became Deceitful, which seems par for the course considering Bicycles life so far.

One of Bicycles viceroys who is Lustful has the following traits: Harelip, One-handed, Great Pox, Lunatic, Disfigured, Infection. Would Bicycle seduce him? I dunno, I might catch his great pox

A 34 year old woman wanted to marry my 3 year old son.
---

The Duchess of Varend, a fellow Hel-worshipper in private and a Germanic in public, has apparently been stirring up heresies in my land. Im not sure sure wtf that means. Is it a Hel-related event because shes preaching about Hel? Or is it because shes preaching Germanic?

The viceroy I tried to seduce ages ago who told me to stay away forever just burned a Hel-worshipper at the stake. I have to get rid of this viceroy.

My spymaster/lover/viceroy of Scotland wants to have an orgy! What a lovely idea! Bicycle will wear her skin mask. It was three days of debaucheries conducted by a priapic dwarf from Hell. The drugs, the copulation, the succubus with the hypnotic flute the ritual murder. Was it real? All she knows is Totil knows how to throw a party! But most of all, my compliments to the chef! Erm we killed a guy and ate him. Bicycle is now a Cannibal. >_>

The Trollmadr wants me to bewitch my own husband! Okay, sounds like a good idea actually. It worked! He became fanatically loyal to me! But hes also now insane. Also, Bicycle is no longer Just. Awww.

I need better armor. The Sword from Heaven is a great sword, and the Crown of Crows is a great crown, but Splint Mail Armor doesnt exactly scream imperial. The armor made this time gets to have a name, which means it must be damn good! I named it Guardian.

Time for a familiar! I selected an Owl, master of the night.

Recently Bicycle has found herself amused by a handsome young guard. He follows her around like a puppy now a very big, muscular puppy! She gave him a good tumble and kept him around as a loyal bodyguard. And the next day, I woke up with Lovers Pox which is basically an STD of your choice. :\

Im going to try seducing my brother who I just granted land to.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1584343607
---

Nooo, my beloved spymaster was confronted by my husband who told him to stay away. But but my husband is supposed to be my loyal servant. :(

Well, I made a new lover my brother DONKEY KONG!

Im pregnant now! Will my husband believe its his? the child is a girl, so Ill name her Jayne Cobb. I lost Stressed by pushing this baby out.

While looting Catholic papal lands, I got a Heart (a Hermetic ingredient, but still creepy to think about!)

I had to become stressed again or break up with one of my lovers. I broke up with some random nobody.

I looked at three jarls in Sweden to decide which one to give the viceroyalty to. Figrued Id pick the one most likely to be seduced. One was a female, one was Ugly, and the other is a eunuch! Well that made my choice incredibly easy. All the benefits, none of the mess.

I could have become a jovial matriarch, but that involves becoming fat. No! No fatness for Bicycle!

The soup kitchen in one of my counties burned down! I may be a devil-worshipper, but I still care about my people. I gave them both money and food to rebuild.

I noticed I can perform Dark Healing on myself even though Im not sick, although I am depressed. I wonder if it will cure depression? Lets try it! Nope, just lowered my health and then I became pregnant again.

Totil wants to have another orgy. While Im pregnant, mind you. Umm, please dont poke my babys face. Well, who knows, maybe this will lead to it being a demon baby. The flavor text was the same, and this time I became Brawny!

My next mission is to sacrifice a dwarf. Jeez, easier said than done. I havent seen one of those in a LONG time outside orgy events (the one I just had involved another priapic dwarf). In fact, 4 out of 6 dwarves in my realm are physicians, so they were probably spawned from the AI doing the search for a physician event and getting the dwarf doctor. I found a bastard dwarf who had been an adventurer at one point. Hes Gluttonous, Ambitious, and Prideful. A good sacrifice for Hel! I abducted him.
---

This child was also a genius and a girl. Kycillia #2! Meanwhile, Kycillia 1 asked me if a tree falls in the woods and nobodys around to hear it, does it make a noise? I told her to go think about useful stuff instead. Shes become diligent!

I captured the dwarf! The flavor text when you sacrifice him says that good sacrifices are in short supply. Oh my god, Paradox. You should be proud of that pun!

My spymaster/ex-lover (we still love each other ;_;) has been threatening a lot of vassals to stay loyal! Good job!

Lady Bicycle is now known as the Dragoness! Wowie!

Pope has been looted, time for the Knights of Sardinia.

Da fuck? My husband is a Khagan? It has some weird succession law so our kids are nowhere near being in line to inherit it, but hey, good for him! He was also willing to join in an alliance. Thanks, husband.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1584343625

While raiding the Knights of Sardinia, I found a Weeping Statue. Its a statue of the Virgin Mary that occasionally cries water or even blood. Weird.

One of my viceroy lovers (the eunuch) died in battle. He was fighting some French guy over territory in Ireland. Sounds legit. My lover was said to have tripped over his own silver-hilted mace. RIP, Kjartan. I also became bitter rivals with the woman who slew him.

The viceroy of Frisia died, so I made my brother/lover the new viceroy.

My spymaster/lover/viceroy of Scotland Totil died of the Great Pox. RIP, Totil.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1584343640
---

Jayne Cobb child of incest with Donkey Kong. Heh
---

Seeing you are nearing the end of the game how many people who signed up are yet to become a ruler?

Maniac64 posted...

Jayne Cobb child of incest with Donkey Kong. Heh

Typical day in CK2land. Also, don't grow too attached to this one. >_>

handsomeboy2012 posted...

Seeing you are nearing the end of the game how many people who signed up are yet to become a ruler?

I'm playing as Kycillia right now, but I have enough time remaining to play a Jayne Cobb and Beelzebub as well. I may be able to squeeze in a second Douglas Edwards. Funnily enough, I feel like the perfect number of people signed up based on the length of the game from 769 to whatever exact year it ends (like 1452 or something?)

~~~

I became the Trollkona of the Fellowship of Hel! Now to see if I can unholy impregnate myself

Also, I invited a Hel worshipper to court to see if hed be a good spymaster, She wanst the best spymaster, but she is a seidr and a court witch. Cool! I invited a guy with high intrigue to my court and married him to this woman.

The dark magic of Hel has given me a stutter! Wow! Thats sucks!
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1584343664

Oh shit, I just realized I was squashing the wrong rebels. Whoops. By the way, youre welcome, foreign country who SHOULD belong to me.

Oh shit, Genghis Khan is here. I forgot I turned him on. Normally I wouldnt care, but uhh my husband is a khagan and is probably about to get his ass whupped. >_>

Rebels are popping up all over the damn place now. In England, in Psvok, in fucking LESBOS of all places. Christ

My husband has concubines and has been having kids with them. Literally accuses ME of cheating on him, but doesnt blink twice about having concubines! THIS is why Im playing an Enatic Clans gave once this one is over!

I triggered the immortality event which will inevitably lead to my demise. >_> Or just failure, who knows.

My spymaster finds me in the night, startling me awake. Sorry, master, but the walls have ears. I dared not come during the day, he says. Somebody is on my track. I could use some help throwing them off my scent. No no, dont worry, it means that were getting close, he whispers, a confident smirk only just visible on his face. Theres a legend, you see, and Well, were very close to locating a certain person who can help, but were not the only ones looking for her
I paid for disguises. However, in spite of his best efforts, his search turned up fruitless. Probably better than the alternative, honestly.

I was just about to perform an unholy impregnation when I went and got pregnant on my own! Damn it, Bicycle! Youll never get a demon child this way!

Out of curiosity, I performed another Dark Healing to see if I could get rid of depressed or stutter or cannibal or something. I didn't know if any of those counted as things that could be cured with Dark Healing. Anyway, Hel cured my STD! Thank you, Hel!
---

My husband is known as the Son of the Demiurge. NICE. Also, he converted back to Zoroastrianism even after I went through all the effort of possessing him with a Jotunn and asking him to convert to Germanic. :\

Not sure what the fuck happened in Lombardia, but apparently someone from Anatolia inherited it and changed its name officially to Italy except he kept Anatolia as his main title, so everything in the boot of Europe says Anatolia (and a little Carpathia. God damn it I hate you Carpathia.)

My baby was a son and hes a little Slow. :\ I will name him what the game offered Fredrik.

Someone in the Fellowship of Hel asked me to go partying with him, and I did. Except then he betrayed me and told the local ruler of the province I trashed that it was me. In revenge, I invited him over to my house and stuck him in a bronze bull with lunatic musicians playing as he screamed.

Haha, I literally got this event as I went to the intrigue menu to see if I could hold a Great Blot. Anyway, its an event about becoming immortal again, but this time Im SURE it will lead to my death, so I sent the little girl away.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1584343680

K time for war.

Oh, and also time for UNHOLY IMPREGNATION.

Just as I declared my one-province war on Saxony, the Fylkja decided it was a great time for a GREAT HOLY WAR. I mean, he might be right? Im in a great position to blitzkrieg it and we could win before the Catholics can get mobilized.

I made myself a commander just long enough to become Valhalla Bound because to me its fucking hilarious to think that shes Valhalla Bound while pregnant with a demons baby.

Okay, the probably a demon baby was born, and hes a boy! So I named him DONKEY KONG. He was born a Genius and Left Handed. He was also sickly, but the Physician healed him!
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1584343696
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Yup, hes a demon baby. He has mysteriously taken to liking his nanny. Ive seen this event. The nanny turns out to be some demoness from hell and is watching out for the baby.

Alright, were at 100% war score. Declare the victory, Fylkja! Oh thank Christ. Err, thank Odin? She called it just in time before a huge Catholic army could crash into me. She gave it all to some woman who is a long distance relative. Lol, okay? And shes a republic type so now all that land is a Grand City. Shes still my vassal, so I dont care, but be careful with all that land, girl! I also cant give her the Viceroyalty of Saxony because of that reason so uhh guess you get to be a vassal under the Viceroy of Pomerania!

Who would make a great seduction target. Hes a poet who I made into a triple viceroy. Hes also pretty fucking old. But hey, its alright. I love wrinkles!

I married the demon nanny to one of my commanders just out of curiosity to see what would happen. Shes still in my court, so I dont think itll be a problem.

Genghis Khan is conquering my husbands lands, but I dont really care since our kids cant inherit it. Also, my heir is TECHNICALLY a demons baby, not his soooo

My vassals have conquered enough land in the British Isles that I can form the Empire of Britannia. Creating two empires is dangerous though, so I wont do it.

Now the Sunni have declared a Jihad against the Catholics in Sicily. Hopefully thatll keep them both occupied for a while.

My nephew Douglas Edwards, son of my brother DONKEY KONG who is the baron of that random land in Carpathia was a devil worshipper like me! And he was burned at the stake! On the orders of his 5 year old son who had just inherited Iceland from his mom. Can you fucking imagine your own 5-year-old son commanding you to be BURNED AT THE STAKE? RIP, nephew. Also, that is a wicked fucking child. Hes getting plotted against. EVERYONE agrees and we have over 1000% plot power against him. Lets see how long this takes! Everyone was in on the plot on August 3rd. On August 7th, a plan was hatched to make it look like an accident happened in the wilds. And on September 3rd, the kid was dead. The hunter promised to remain silent.
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I have a feeling it's about to be Nd D time.
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FBike1 posted...

I have a feeling it's about to be Nd D time.

Haha. Trust me, Dongs will be expanding. But Lady Bicycle still has some work to do!

~~~

Well, Genghis Khan declared war on my husband. Ya know I think I might stand a chance. Especially if the other hoardes team up. Ill throw some of my vassals troops over there and see what happens. At the very least, I may be able to cut down some of his event spawned troops

Bicycle got a kitty. :3

Yeah, trying to fight Genghis Khan is a big mistake. At least its only my vassals troops. :^)

My dear daughter, Jayne Cobb, must have suffered a stroke in her sleep last night. She was found drooling in bed, one eye bloodshot, mumbling about a small monster that stabbed her in the eye before it ran off. there are dark rumors about the so-called demon child my son DONKEY KONG, again As always when something terrible happens, he does seem inordinately happy.
Seems DK is started to grow into his demon blood.

Haha, seducing one of my jarls was all it took to get Medium Crown Authority.

My husband died of dysentery, which is just fine because it means I dont have to even concern myself with Mr. Khan anymore.

Lady Bicycle has romanced a Sir Bicycle now. Hes also my nephew, but Ive already fucked my brother, so what does it matter?

My beloved daughter Kycillia claims that some thing tried to kill her last night. She woke up with a small shape pressing down on her chest. It ran off hissing, but left a nasty long needle behind. I think it was just a nightmare the maids leave needles lying around everywhere. However, there are dark rumors about the so-called demon child, my son DONKEY KONG, again

Lol, the woman who took all of Saxony decided to make the Isle of Man, of all fucking places, her primary title. So now when she raises her troops, its a whole bunch of triskeles of legs in Saxony. Like, wtf.

Poor Jayne Cobb came of age, but because the demon baby cursed her, shes always gonna be incapable.

Right now, DONKEY KONG is Just and makes sure everyone gets their equal share. However, Im pretty sure when he comes of age, his demon blood will take over and hell get pre-set traits.
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Darn those maids leaving giant needles all over
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Maniac64 posted...

Darn those maids leaving giant needles all over

I know, right? You'd think the Empress would have disciplined them after the first incident.

~~~

One of my many lovers died, and when I went to grieve for him at the local tavern, I found my daughter Kycillia (the older one) was there too! She must have been a lover of his, too. Kinky?

There can be only one DONKEY KONG. The younger one, my 7 year old demon baby, just murdered the elder one, a grown-ass man of 24 years.

I found a man, Sigtrigg, the Count of Devon, who had a lot of evil traits. I would have assumed he was a Hel worshipper, if not for the fact that Im the Trollkona and I can see whos in the cult. This guy wasnt. I made him Jarl of Cornwall to make him like me, and then inducted him into the society. Hes Lustful, so I plan to make him my lover once Im finished with my current prey.

My older daughter, Kycillia, died by DONKEY KONG.

Ive been approached by many wives asking if Im having an affair with their husbands. Every time, I keep my cool and flatly deny it.

Sigtygg my lover has a bad relationship with his wife. Bicycle suggested running out to the countryside, just us and some trusted retainers, to dally to our hearts content. But no! He had a better idea: to stay in his castle so we could fuck each other under his wifes nose. We even made love in her bed!

My spymaster, the man married to my alchemist from the Fellowship, went searching for an artifact. And then, almost like the game fucking planned it, the alchemist wanted to stage an impromptu orgy. WHOA. The priapic dwarf actually joined my court this time! I HAVE to seduce him! (after I finish my current target)
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1584343708

DONKEY made the slow brother, Fredrik, incapable. Fine by me.
---

I seduced some viceroy that was surprisingly difficult. Hell, he even gave ME the runaround a few times. But the end was all worth it. Move over, Cleopatra, theres a new Court Bicycle in town!
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1584343722

Bicycle took a good look at herself and thought about her weaknesses and strengths. After many hours of soul-searching, she realized: she has nothing to be ashamed of! She is a sexy seductress, even at 47 years old!

My spymaster returned with an artifact: the tongue of an unbeliever which has remained preserved since the original owners death as if by magic. Perhaps it can bestow some of its penchant for deceit that the owner once possessed? I praised my spymasters achievements to the court.

I changed my focus to Carousing now that Im successfully a Master Seductress. Unfortunately, I cant go carousing because Im technically at war with Genghis Khan still.

Oh shit, and Im no longer Threatening. When did that go away? I could have taken more land years ago! Lets get to it!

My slow son died comatose in bed. One less obstacle for DK.

My vassal and lover, Viceroy Sigtrygg the Cruel, has just conquered Surrey, the final province on the island of Great Britain that I needed. This man started as a mere count, but look at what he has accomplished! All because he was willing to fuck the Empress.

My cat died. :( I held a funeral for it to celebrate its adventurous life which cost 150 ducats, but Im swimming in money so I dont care. I like to think that my cat was good friends with my owl familiar.

The demon child is learning how to fight, and poor Bicycle thinks hes going to be a great knight one day. No honey, hes going to be a psychotic serial killer. He has some great stats now, and even if he didnt become a demon later on, hes an excellent character to be.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1585098790

He then killed his sister Erika, thus proving my point. Hes probably practicing his murder skills!
---

Hel has been speaking to me. Her beautiful magic is flowing freely in my veins. Dizzuing, radiant, breathtaking Nothing in the world can stop me now!
I became a Lunatic.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1585098810

My 75 year old physician just had a son! Good for you, old man! He was a hunchback, but thats okay.

I won all my wars and now I own Neumark, Berg, and Verden. I wanted to go raiding, but I cant because, again, Im STILL at war with Genghis Khan. I could probably kill him too, if I could get my troops over the steppes without taking a million points in attrition damage.

One of my lovers, the Viceroy of Wales, warned me ahead of time when another vassal, the Duchess of Vestlandet, was about to slander him. Clever man

My vassals are combining their forces to fight Carpathia and theyre going a good job! By the time DK takes over, his dream of fighting Carpathia might be feasible. Right now my vassals are taking Wolgast, the last piece of land Carpathia owns which borders the ocean (Im not sure what this body of water should be called. Is it the Baltic Sea? Gulf of Danzig? The Kattegat?)

My spymaster was murdered! I imprisoned the fucker who ordered it and tortured him. The next spymaster is my dwarf lover.

DK made another sister incapable this one being a sister who was an adult, married, had kids, and her own territory. Hes REALLY careful about his antics. Also, hes reaching an age where he needs a martial character to train him. I THINK devil children can get any education, but Im not sure. They might only get martial or intrigue.

Lady Bicycle passed the Pants Act outlawing pants, because they get in the way of genitals.

Oh good, the Khan (Genghiss son) finally won his war. Now I can go raiding! And carousing! I became best friends with my spymaster/lover/court dwarf!
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