Current Events > Man, Valerian was a mess of a movie. Mini review.

(+) Yeah! (+)

I wanted to like it so much, but I just couldn't. I loved The Fifth Element. Great writing, characters, acting, action, visuals.

Valerian ended up being nothing like it though, except pretty.

I knew I was in for a rough time after the first scene with the two main character, where they basically verbally said what each other's character was like to the audience.

The world was really cool, I gotta say, and the alien designs were all fantastic. The city is a great sci fi setting, and would work great for a series or video game or something, I'd love to explore it. But everything else was just yikes. I mean just compare the main character couples between this movie and its sister film. Korban Dallas and Leeloo against Valerian and Eyebrows. Which couple would you rather hang out with? Who would you rather have a beer with? No contest. You've got super likeable and charismatic versus a couple who seem like they could have been undercover androids. And the audience has a good point of view in the form of Korban Dallas. He's your every day dude who you can relate to. Taxi driver. That's what he is. We all know what a Taxi driver does. So we can empathize with him as all this crazy wacky stuff is happening to him. He responds in a believable, human fashion to everything, and we're right there with him. What the fuck are Valerian and Eyebrows? They're annoying, that's what they are.

The story was a mess too. It's one of those movies where you kinda have no idea what's happening or why anything is happening, up until the end where everything is laid out (with hyper quick flashbacks to plot points and all). So like, for the bulk of the movie, there really is no hook or anything, no mystery, no intrigue, no setup. It's just characters jumping from one set piece to another and you're wondering why. One interesting character appears and dies within 15 minutes or so and the death scene is filmed as if it's supposed to be super emotional and impactful, all drawn out, but you literally just knew this person for a couple minutes!

It's a shame because I really really wanted to like this movie. It had a ton of good will from me. But man, what were they thinking.
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That movie would have flowed and been much better if they cut out that entire Rihanna and alien no go zone sequence. It added nothing to the story. It felt like the casino sequence from last Jedi
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J E S U S posted...

That movie would have flowed and been much better if they cut out that entire Rihanna and alien no go zone sequence. It added nothing to the story. It felt like the casino sequence from last Jedi

Honestly the only way to save it would be to scrap everything and tell a completely different story with different characters in the same setting. I actually kinda liked the Rihanna part, even if it was a distraction from the main story, but the thing is, the main story sucked, so I was like, yeah, whatever. When I saw what the true nature of the big white hat was for, I busted out laughing.
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Alien was hot tho
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J E S U S posted...

That movie would have flowed and been much better if they cut out that entire Rihanna and alien no go zone sequence. It added nothing to the story. It felt like the casino sequence from last Jedi

Yep. Would have also have been given a little more leway with some charismatic actors. I mean, Bruce fucking Willis and then.... uh... Dane whatever. Dude's a good actor, but not exactly a charisma oozing action star.
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yea but Rihanna dancing in 3D
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ehhwhatever posted...

yea but Rihanna dancing in 3D

this man knows
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I honestly actually liked Rihanna's character. It wasn't what I was expecting at all, that's for sure. In fact, if the movie had just been about her life in the city, that would have made a good movie now that I think about it.
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I can't buy Dehaan as a badass space marine either. Dude looks like a nerd trying to be a badass the whole time

DeadSite posted...

I can't buy Dehaan as a badass space marine either. Dude looks like a nerd trying to be a badass the whole time

He was a downright creep, too. Proposing marriage and stuff. It's almost like he was written as a foil to the real protagonist or something. Like you wanted Cara to punch him. He never redeemed himself either. He just stayed unlikeable.
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Much unlike Ready Player One which is great.

Also Valerian is based on some French comic books that from a cursory examination have nothing to do with the movie.
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Ilishe posted...

Much unlike Ready Player One which is great.

Also Valerian is based on some French comic books that from a cursory examination have nothing to do with the movie.

Yeah, Ready Player One is another movie to compare it too. It also had an abundance of CGI shots and wacky action and special effects. And it was great! It's amazing how two movies can seem so superficially similar but one is extremely entertaining and the other is such a drag.
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spanky1 posted...

Ilishe posted...

Much unlike Ready Player One which is great.

Also Valerian is based on some French comic books that from a cursory examination have nothing to do with the movie.

Yeah, Ready Player One is another movie to compare it too. It also had an abundance of CGI shots and wacky action and special effects. And it was great! It's amazing how two movies can seem so superficially similar but one is extremely entertaining and the other is such a drag.

Really? I thought Ready Player One was just as garbage. That "pop culture off" between the main character and villain was cringey as fuck.
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Heineken14 posted...

spanky1 posted...

Ilishe posted...

Much unlike Ready Player One which is great.

Also Valerian is based on some French comic books that from a cursory examination have nothing to do with the movie.

Yeah, Ready Player One is another movie to compare it too. It also had an abundance of CGI shots and wacky action and special effects. And it was great! It's amazing how two movies can seem so superficially similar but one is extremely entertaining and the other is such a drag.

Really? I thought Ready Player One was just as garbage. That "pop culture off" between the main character and villain was cringey as fuck.

It's my top movie of the year so far. It just felt so fun and adventurous to me. And yeah there were a couple cringey parts but you can look past that.
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