Poll of the Day > Friend has accused another friend of rape and I am losing friends :(

(+) Yeah! (+)

Ok so I was in a large mixed group of friends, guys/girls. Last weekend we all went out for drinks and made our ways home.
2 days later, one of the girls (lets call her Amy) makes a claim that (Let's call him Jack) stopped at hers for a quick drink and chatted for a bit, but then forced himself on her.

Obviously this was a shock! I have been friends with Jack for 8 years, Amy for 5. I spoke to Jack and asked him his side of the story. He said they went to her place for a drink, both very drunk and lead physically touching/kissing into the bedroom. He said next morning she told him last night was a mistake.

Now I tried to be fair and listen to both of their stories as they are both my friends. Plus I feel people are innocent until proven guilty. However whilst a few friends are siding with him, several friends in the group are siding with her and verbally assaulting me accusing me of supporting a rapist when I'm just trying to be their for both of them.

Last 2 weeks have been so stressful and I don't know what to do. Whatever happens, I will lose friends out of this. Not only that but some of the friends backing Amy are trying to get my girlfriend to split up with me too telling her that she shouldn't be involved with a rapist supporter.

The police questioned Jack a week and half ago but no charges were placed.

Thinking it's a plan to just walk away from everyone, delete social media and go back to 15 year old me and be a loner spending time watching films and playing games. At least that was drama free.

Any advice? What would you guys do caught in middle of this situation?

A girl I was dating (who was a nutcase) high school accused my best friend of attempting to force himself on her. I sided with him. I knew it was patently false and anyone that knew him did too.

Turns out it wasn't the first time she tried that story.

You don't gotta take a side dude, but if one side is telling you you're an asshole for not taking a side, then that's not the side to take.
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chaosslayer posted...

Thinking it's a plan to just walk away from everyone, delete social media and go back to 15 year old me and be a loner spending time watching films and playing games.

do it
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Always bros before hoes

I have known 2 girls that made up a story about a guy raping them. One was for attention and one got drunk/regretted it. Bet you she is lying.

Smarkil posted...

You don't gotta take a side dude, but if one side is telling you you're an asshole for not taking a side, then that's not the side to take.

I agree with this
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Tough situation. One of those, she said, he said things.

Best to avoid getting involved or choosing a side and just letting your girlfriend know that you don't want to weigh in as both sides seem hinky.
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Regret is not rape.
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WhiskeyDisk posted...

Regret is not rape.

He is claiming she regretted it next morning, she is claiming he actually raped her that night.

So i'd wanna know what their friendship was like before this. Without implying anything one way or the other...
Can you think of any reason at all as to why she would go as far as wanting him to be labelled a rapist, ruining the friendship, damaging the group, potentially ruining his life? That's pretty severe.
From your perspective, was there any sense of interest between them? I mean, she invited him over on his own. She obviously must like him at least to the degree that she felt comfortable enough to be alone with her.
Why did she wait 2 full days to bring this up?
Is he somebody she might feel embarrassed to have slept with?
Is she just the type to cause drama all the time? Does she over react a lot?
When she says "forced" what exactly does that mean. Those details are of key importance. I mean, for all we know he tried to make a move and wasn't interested. Like, did he just grab her and try to kiss her and got it all wrong? If it was just something like that I would think that would be forgivable between friends, but then again sometimes people obsess over things that make them feel uncomfortable until they arrive at a story that makes them feel better about it somehow...
How does your friend usually handle his alcohol?
What's he like with girls in general? Any idea what they thought about him before?
How would you describe him personality wise?

I feel like there's a lot missing out from the story, but i guess that wasn't your initial reason for posting,,,
I'd say that you gotta stand by him as your longtime friend and stand up for yourself in this situation. You should call these other friends out for being so called "friends" if they are just going to label you and try and ruin your life when you had nothing to do with it. That's manipulative as fuck. Those are not friends - but i suppose in the emotional storm of things they probably aren't thinking straight either.
How come you get to be the "rape supporter" but they don't have to take on the "false rape accusers" then? Also despicable (sorry, i know they're your friends, but this stuff frustrates me to hear) is the fact they are trying to get your girlfriend to break up with you over this. Unbelievable. I hope you have both talked it out and have some solid ground to stand on together.
Anyway, to some degree, the only thing that can fix things is a little bit of time. When people's emotions have simmered a bit, things will be alright. If you say what you know and truly believe is right about your position and point out the undeniably childish behaviour (in a nicer way than i am) then they'll come around eventually... i feel your pain, but always stay true to what you believe in and just have patience.
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Smarkil posted...

You don't gotta take a side dude, but if one side is telling you you're an asshole for not taking a side, then that's not the side to take.

If she was raped, that is a pretty valid reason for her to make Chaoss choose a side. That's hardly a minor squabble.

I don't know either of these people, and I don't know whether or not "Amy" was raped. Chaoss, you know far more details than we do. All I know is that you really do have to take a side here. Staying neutral is, effectively, taking "Jack's" side, whether you mean for that or not.
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Tell her to go to the police and hospital. If it was actually rape there is usually evidence of such.

If you have friends that won't even entertain the possibility of there being two different sides to a story, they aren't people worth having in your life. They're closed-minded and the fact you're getting tarred with the same brush is a reflection on them. The best thing to do is take yourself out of the equation entirely. Just tell everyone you have nothing to do with it, you're not taking sides, and don't want the emotional strain in your life. They might all think you're a jerk, but you don't owe them anything. If you're getting pulled into the whirlwind and it's impacting your life negatively, anyone who doesn't understand is a narcissistic jerk. Choosing either side is going to be toxic because the group itself is imploding. Leaving is probably going to have the least amount of blowback.

If the girl is emotionally stable and otherwise seems genuine, odds are that she's probably not making it up. There'd be nothing to gain, and a rational person wouldn't just destroy everything for no reason. She needed to go in, deal with a rape kit, and go from there. If she's unwilling to do more than make accusations, however, it could be that she's just messed up and regretting going along with something her heart wasn't in.

It's hard to say what to do though, in terms of advice, as being proven wrong here is going to make it really messy for everyone in that camp, and the issue is unlikely to remain unresolved forever.
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chaosslayer posted...

Obviously this was a shock!

obviously
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post a picture of jack and i will tell you if hes guilty or not

I like how a lot of these posters are saying she's just regretting it. This is why a lot of people don't like to report these kinds of situations.

I'm not saying she was raped, but automatically saying she regretted it because the dude says so is just all kinds of wrong.
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Does the guy have the text of her saying she regretted it and it was a mistake? Seems like that would be clearcut evidence that she's lying or he is.

Oh never mind, she told him that. Not texted.

lihlih posted...

I'm not saying she was raped, but automatically saying she regretted it because the dude says so is just all kinds of wrong.

Automatically saying she was raped because she says so is also just all kinds of wrong.
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Sarcasthma posted...

lihlih posted...

I'm not saying she was raped, but automatically saying she regretted it because the dude says so is just all kinds of wrong.

Automatically saying she was raped because she says so is also just all kinds of wrong.

Yep, too many guys get in trouble with the law over women overreacting that I cant automatically assume that the woman is telling the truth.
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Lol how selfish of you.
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XlaxJynx007 posted...

Sarcasthma posted...

lihlih posted...

I'm not saying she was raped, but automatically saying she regretted it because the dude says so is just all kinds of wrong.

Automatically saying she was raped because she says so is also just all kinds of wrong.

Yep, too many guys get in trouble with the law over women overreacting that I cant automatically assume that the woman is telling the truth.

I never said she's automatically raped or she's right. There can be a thing where you don't assume one way or another until cold hard facts come out(which sometimes doesn't happen).
God, it's like you guys want to justify stifling and putting down accusers down so bad that you have to put words in everyone's mouths to make them look bad.
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lihlih posted...

XlaxJynx007 posted...

Sarcasthma posted...

lihlih posted...

I'm not saying she was raped, but automatically saying she regretted it because the dude says so is just all kinds of wrong.

Automatically saying she was raped because she says so is also just all kinds of wrong.

Yep, too many guys get in trouble with the law over women overreacting that I cant automatically assume that the woman is telling the truth.

I never said she's automatically raped or she's right. There can be a thing where you don't assume one way or another until cold hard facts come out(which sometimes doesn't happen).
God, it's like you guys want to justify stifling and putting down accusers down so bad that you have to put words in everyone's mouths to make them look bad.

This is the internet after all.
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lihlih posted...

God, it's like you guys want to justify stifling and putting down accusers down so bad that you have to put words in everyone's mouths to make them look bad.

My post was an add-on to yours, not an accusation. Chill.
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Well, first of all, these "friends" of yours should not be interfering with your life by trying to ruin your relationship. So, I don't know if you should even keep them after this is sorted out. It's like they're trying to cause more drama. Hopefully, your girlfriend has good enough instincts to not listen to them.

As for the actual rest of it, it's hard to take a side. Especially since nobody has any clear concrete evidence of what happened. Like most arguments(even big things like this), there are 2 sides to the story. You are most likely going to lose some friends. But hopefully, not your girlfriend. And maybe if someone admits that they're lying, you can have a majority of the group back... possibly... but maybe not likely.

This is up to you. PotD doesn't know these people. We can't tell you who's side to choose. Honestly, it's a shitty situation...
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