Current Events > How to date an American, according to Indian CNN

(+) Yeah! (+)

The suitability of the would-be suitor

Before we proceed any further, lets set up the suitability of the would-be suitor. There are plenty of compelling reasons to seek an American sweetheart. We know their stock is low right now, but lets be honest -- Indians love a good bargain.

Firstly, America is the first world. For Indians, especially those 'incredibly attractive, gracious and social brown-skinned creatures who dominate the campuses of Harvard, Columbia or Stanford,' coming in third really irks us. Dating an American isn't an instant upgrade in world citizenship status, but didn't you try to sit next to the smart kid in science class? It works. Same principle.

And (b), a majority of Americans are white. When I was scouring the matrimonials for a green card holder, I found out that being fair (lovely appeared to be unnecessary) is a highly desirable quality in a potential mate. In fact, Americans perform really well overall on the Indian marital checklist. They are relatively tall, they never try to pass a wheatish complexion as fair, they frequently have U.S. college degrees, most of them earn in dollars, and they live -- legally -- in the United States.

If that's making your mother swoon but not you, think about it this way. Americans are a warm, welcoming, wonderful people with similar family values and tastes in reality TV as us. Major networks are probably already competing to option rights for "The Real Housewives of New Delhi" right now. And now that Time magazine has given us 'Guindians' (Guidos + Indians), Juhu Shore cant be far behind.

Look to the future, if you still need convincing. Half 'n' half babies are cuter than other babies and have more interesting mono- and bi- syllabic names too. Sukaina + Darren = Kyrus; Avninder + Eliane = Milan; Anjali + Craig= Neev. But let's not get distracted with hall-of-famer stats when we should be focused on running plays.

Five key points to focus on when faced with a datable American:

Mantra 1. Beer: A cloudy combination of water, barley, yeast, and hops is the grand American passion, and if you can tap into that, then you can tap well, you get it.

Crack the code embedded into your date's beer selection, and you can stroll over to first base. For example, Coors Light aka Silver Bullet is promising but not long term -- your dates looking for a quick fix. Dont worry about your jokes falling flat on Budweiser drinkers -- they still think "Whassuuuuup" is hysterical. Pabst Blue Ribbon flashes hipster alert -- wear your sunglasses indoors. Sam Adams is for the discerning American -- wine bar for the second date. If it's Miller Hi Life -- hopefully there wont be a second date.

What beer your date drinks is not as important as how you drink yours. As with an Indian meal, a hearty belch at the end is considered polite. If you cant stomach the brew, then you better learn how to barbecue.

Mantra 2. Country music: Americans have an abiding but repressed love of country music. This is a great talking point and offers significant opportunities to connect.

It's not as straightforward as ripping the latest Billboard country charts off Torrent. You see, while most Americans won't demand complex aging processes for their alcohol, they do like to wait until a song has acquired a distinctive retro flavor before they savor it.

Good jukebox bets are Willie Nelson, Patsy Cline and Johnny Cash. Especially Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" which is either about love or an STD, both hot button topics for Americans.

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Mantra 3. Will Ferrell: Besides being a movie star, Will Ferrell has helped shaped the mind of the great American nation's present generation. While some young Americans rallied to Obamas campaign cry of "Yes, we can," a far larger number respond to Ferrell's terse but powerful message "That's just dumb."

His far-sighted views on diversity, "I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship, used during the Civil War era," neatly sidestep possible social stigmas of Indo-American dating, which makes him a hero to our cause. Familiarize yourself with his work and quote him frequently, and your American date is guaranteed to respond really positively.

You're my boy, Will.

Mantra 4. Organic food: Americans believe that organic foods cleanse their soul and their colon. They are really, really into it. Hand harvested, cruelty free, cosmetically unaltered potatoes may taste like the pure manure they were grown in but keep this to yourself. Politics, religion and Roman Polanski are safer conversational grounds comparatively.

Nothing says 'I'm rich but I still attend Burning Man' (draw the cultural parallel, link Dussehra) like choosing an organic foods restaurant for that crucial first date. Just make sure the desi diner serving keema parathas made in adulterated, hydrogenated and saturated fats is open late. Did you remember to request the sodium chloride free, manually churned, Vegan butter-substitute to go with those wholesome potatoes?

Yoga in NYCMantra 5. Be Yourself: This is not agony aunty advice. You have inherent qualities that are attractive to an American. Capitalize. Americans reward capitalism. You already speak an accented form of their language that reminds them vaguely of Hugh Grant and/or Princess Diana, in a good way. Go ahead and enunciate your vowel sounds, drop those h's. Send them text messages asking, "Your favourite colour??? " They'll be charmed, I'm sure. Many Americans deeply lament the lack of a second language/an ancient culture/access to good chai. So be proud of opening the door to knowledge, history and the finest Darjeeling.

But if you are addicted to franchised coffee, know more about rap than raga, and only really communicate in English, be yourself anyway. Those in the know say it's for the best. Left to me though, I'd recommend incorporating Sivananda yoga into the morning routine. Americans love yoga way more than we do. And like HuffPos dating expert indicated, they're secretly hoping for some limber tantric Kamasutra action. Truth be told, so are we.

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I'm shocked that CNN would allow this racist, stereotypical piece to be displayed. Oh wait! I'm not.
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Lol @ #3 just being "Will Ferrell"
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Sounds like a Buzz feed article.
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Lost me at mantra 2.
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1. This article was a response to a Huffington Post article called "How to date an Indian." It's supposed to be tongue in cheek and slightly racist.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-miller/dating-advice-how-to-date_b_596496.html

2. This article (and the one it's responding to) are from 2010.

3. You know what's worse than bitchy pathetic liberals who get outraged over the smallest things? Bitchy pathetic conservatives who go into news archives to find 7 year old blog posts to fake outrage about.

Leave the basement.
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Regardless of how satirical it is, it's still pretty accurate.

Like, I hate beer and country music and will Ferrell, but those are all pretty spot on stereotypes of basic bitch/bro culture that's coursing through the veins of America to this very day.
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That_Happened posted...

1. This article was a response to a Huffington Post article called "How to date an Indian." It's supposed to be tongue in cheek and slightly racist.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-miller/dating-advice-how-to-date_b_596496.html

2. This article (and the one it's responding to) are from 2010.

3. You know what's worse than bitchy pathetic liberals who get outraged over the smallest things? Bitchy pathetic conservatives who go into news archives to find 7 year old blog posts to fake outrage about.

Leave the basement.

Lol, and here we witness TC getting wrecked on all fronts
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That_Happened posted...

1. This article was a response to a Huffington Post article called "How to date an Indian." It's supposed to be tongue in cheek and slightly racist.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-miller/dating-advice-how-to-date_b_596496.html

2. This article (and the one it's responding to) are from 2010.

3. You know what's worse than bitchy pathetic liberals who get outraged over the smallest things? Bitchy pathetic conservatives who go into news archives to find 7 year old blog posts to fake outrage about.

Leave the basement.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_burn_centers_in_the_United_States
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ImTheMacheteGuy posted...

Lost me at mantra 2.

lmao TC got rekt
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Indian CNN=A better version of Buzzfeed.
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I heard indians are the new bulls
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Indian girls are usually pretty good looking.
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That_Happened posted...

1. This article was a response to a Huffington Post article called "How to date an Indian." It's supposed to be tongue in cheek and slightly racist.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-miller/dating-advice-how-to-date_b_596496.html

2. This article (and the one it's responding to) are from 2010.

3. You know what's worse than bitchy pathetic liberals who get outraged over the smallest things? Bitchy pathetic conservatives who go into news archives to find 7 year old blog posts to fake outrage about.

Leave the basement.

*grabs first aid kit*
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10/10 article. Not even indian and im ready to get back in the dating game now tbh
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That_Happened posted...

1. This article was a response to a Huffington Post article called "How to date an Indian." It's supposed to be tongue in cheek and slightly racist.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-miller/dating-advice-how-to-date_b_596496.html

2. This article (and the one it's responding to) are from 2010.

3. You know what's worse than bitchy pathetic liberals who get outraged over the smallest things? Bitchy pathetic conservatives who go into news archives to find 7 year old blog posts to fake outrage about.

Leave the basement.

So fighting racism with racism is okay? Classic liberal.
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