“SO I think I’m getting a Dom!” exclaims my friend Jodi* as we sit down for coffee.
“You mean like a BDSM thing?”
“Yeah! I mean, might as well see what all the fuss is about, right?”
“Dom” is kink-vernacular for the dominant role in a BDSM encounter, or “scene”. Jodi is anticipating taking the “Sub”, or submissive, role.
And it’s this, not the fact that my friend wants to try BDSM, which stokes my intrigue. Jodi is a loud, self-possessed clothing label owner and landlord. I cannot picture her being dominated by anyone.
She will later inform me that she’s switched to the Dom role and has found a “sweet” Sub to be her manservant. He comes over to brush her hair and act as her foot stool, among other things.
Sam*, 28, says he’s always had submissive tendencies, but it wasn’t until seeing Fifty Shades that he considered exploring them in the bedroom. When he eventually matched with a professional dominatrix on Tinder, it was an awakening.
“I’ve always wanted to serve women, but I didn’t have an opportunity to do that in my everyday life
“I think the embracing of feminism and the anti-slut shaming movement has a lot to do with it. Women are starting to feel much more comfortable with asking for what they want in the bedroom. The notion that if a woman enjoys wild sex, she must be a slut, is finally dying out.”
Of course, there are always going to be people who denigrate women and gender nonconforming people for actively pursuing their sexual fantasies. But according to Matt, “those people are not going to be rewarded with satisfying sex!”
Matt says that sometimes people assume that because he’s a Dom, he is going to be forceful or coercive in the bedroom.
“It’s actually the exact opposite. To be a good Dom you have to make people feel 100% comfortable, otherwise how can they relax and enjoy giving up control to you? I always make sure we discuss exactly what my sub does and doesn’t want to do before hand, and I enjoy giving them the experience they’re looking for.”
Every one of the people I talk to stress the need for clear boundaries and rules to be set out before any scene, including the nominating of a safe word.
Henry gives an example of why this is so important: “I did a scene once where my boundaries were crossed. I was playing the cuckold, and the dominatrix brought out two other subs that I didn’t know would be participating.”
The Dominatrix proceeded to order the two male subs to have sex with Henry in ways which made him extremely uncomfortable. I ask if he had a safe word. “I did, but I was hesitant to use it. I didn’t want to ruin anybody else’s experience.”
In the end Henry says he was able to relax into the scene, but his experience illustrates one of the potential issues with young people simply “jumping in” to BDSM with little prior experience.
Matt explains: “BDSM can be very hard-core, so it’s extremely important that all parties are comfortable with what’s about to go on. That means a lot of negotiating beforehand.”
So, is the influx in new kinkster recruits a good thing, or are we witnessing the deterioration of polite society? “Of course it’s a good thing!” quips Jodi. “Wouldn’t it be worse if everyone stayed all pent up? This is stress relief!”
