Board 8 > I need to vent about a relationship issue and cant talk to others [Blogfaqs]

(+) Yeah! (+)

davidponte posted...

This is where her family comes in. Obviously we can afford the tickets and have what is really an insignificant amount of money saved up (a couple thousand between the two of us), but we wouldn't be paying rent until theoretically later down the line. We'd be living at her grandparents house, where all of the kids have moved out and they're rarely home. It's kind of the closest we could get to "private" living in a sense. Her family owns a restaurant there so there is a guaranteed spot for at least one of us as far as work goes if it takes time to get on our feet.

Both the cost of living and the pay there are like a tenth of what they are here, but it's much easier to survive and even excel at "minimum wage" over there. Her young aunt and uncle just bought a house there and he works at the restaurant and she works at a furniture store.

Would you be able to afford to move back if you decide to?

---

We both live with our families currently and the only meaningful bills I pay are a phone bill and my student loans, so moving back amounts to buying a ticket home.
---

Do you have Portuguese citizenship or do you need to go through some visa crap?
---

Well, I just got the hammer dropped on me, guys. I think this is leading towards us breaking up.

Despite my best efforts to pledge myself to the idea of going there, trying it out, and being excited about it potentially working out and it turning into a permanent thing, it's not enough. I feel like every day I've given a little more of myself in at attempt to make things work, only for her to come back a few hours later and tell me, "I should be happy but I'm not".

Today we woke up and she told me she didn't think she could wait any longer. Initially we agreed and she was very happy with the idea of going in January to give me a little more time with my family and to save some more money. So I said that, because I'm genuinely excited to do this now, I'd be willing to go earlier. Still not enough.

So then she just said it and explained that she's confused. She doesn't know if she wants it to be us together, or if she wants it to be her alone there, and it's currently split right down the middle. I told her she should probably break up with me, and she continued to explain that she doesn't want that and wants to be with me. I turned into a human question mark and pointed to the sentence right before that and explained that I don't see how both of those thoughts can co-exist. Again, any time I explain the situation in plain terms and tell her that if she doesn't know she should probably just break up with me, she explains that she doesn't want that. I don't know what to do. It would absolutely be easier for me to just break up with her, but that gives me the same "What if?" of whether it could have worked out or not.

This was all this morning, where the first thing she told me was, "Maybe I should get some help and talk to someone."

I should also go into detail for the sake of context of new information for everyone here. I'm positive I mentioned in one of my posts that I'm the only reason that she comes back, and otherwise she would just stay there forever. This is important because I think it makes what she said next less hurtful, and more understandable, maybe? Or it's bad and I'm in shock and I'm trying to spin it positively. Anyway, she explained that there were moments on her latest trip where she kind of wished she didn't have to worry or think about me so that she could just stay there. I asked for clarification, she tells me that it's not a, "I wished I was single so I could go out and go crazy", but rather, "I just really wanted to be there and obviously it would be an easier decision if I didn't have you".

Either way, kind of shitty, right? I feel like this is the point in the post where everyone instantly replies with, "You need to let her go, dude". We tried to rationalize this with the idea that it's understandable because it wasn't necessarily her wanting to be single, but rather her wanting to do what it takes to be there long term. I also said that this was obviously something that occurred before we talked about me going, so she never could have even imagined being together there when those thoughts first came up.

She agreed that could be the case, but even then, we are still currently at the stale mate of her not knowing what she wants, and that kind of fucking hurts considering I've already mentally prepared myself and became happy and excited about the possibility of our future together.

My last 72 hours have gone from me thinking life was great, to me being distraught with what I had heard, to me accepting and then getting excited about the future, to now me thinking that it's all over. I'm not feeling the greatest, to say the least.

---

It's pretty clear neither of you know what you want when you have been dating for 8 years with no commitments or future plans. Her proposal to move to Portugal was effectively a (weak indirect) marriage proposal, and you were not enthusiastic enough about it, so it basically ended there already. I think you could lock it down by actually proposing to her, since she won't do it, but I don't think either of you want that.

I just remembered that you guys met in high school so the anxiety of "what else is out there" seems pretty obvious. Even if you want to end up married at some point in the future, breaking up for a while in between would definitely help. You guys are just too scared of change AND the status quo to make a proper decision right now.
---

davidponte posted...

Well, I just got the hammer dropped on me, guys. I think this is leading towards us breaking up.

Despite my best efforts to pledge myself to the idea of going there, trying it out, and being excited about it potentially working out and it turning into a permanent thing, it's not enough. I feel like every day I've given a little more of myself in at attempt to make things work, only for her to come back a few hours later and tell me, "I should be happy but I'm not".

Today we woke up and she told me she didn't think she could wait any longer. Initially we agreed and she was very happy with the idea of going in January to give me a little more time with my family and to save some more money. So I said that, because I'm genuinely excited to do this now, I'd be willing to go earlier. Still not enough.

So then she just said it and explained that she's confused. She doesn't know if she wants it to be us together, or if she wants it to be her alone there, and it's currently split right down the middle. I told her she should probably break up with me, and she continued to explain that she doesn't want that and wants to be with me. I turned into a human question mark and pointed to the sentence right before that and explained that I don't see how both of those thoughts can co-exist. Again, any time I explain the situation in plain terms and tell her that if she doesn't know she should probably just break up with me, she explains that she doesn't want that. I don't know what to do. It would absolutely be easier for me to just break up with her, but that gives me the same "What if?" of whether it could have worked out or not.

This was all this morning, where the first thing she told me was, "Maybe I should get some help and talk to someone."

I should also go into detail for the sake of context of new information for everyone here. I'm positive I mentioned in one of my posts that I'm the only reason that she comes back, and otherwise she would just stay there forever. This is important because I think it makes what she said next less hurtful, and more understandable, maybe? Or it's bad and I'm in shock and I'm trying to spin it positively. Anyway, she explained that there were moments on her latest trip where she kind of wished she didn't have to worry or think about me so that she could just stay there. I asked for clarification, she tells me that it's not a, "I wished I was single so I could go out and go crazy", but rather, "I just really wanted to be there and obviously it would be an easier decision if I didn't have you".

Either way, kind of shitty, right? I feel like this is the point in the post where everyone instantly replies with, "You need to let her go, dude". We tried to rationalize this with the idea that it's understandable because it wasn't necessarily her wanting to be single, but rather her wanting to do what it takes to be there long term. I also said that this was obviously something that occurred before we talked about me going, so she never could have even imagined being together there when those thoughts first came up.

She agreed that could be the case, but even then, we are still currently at the stale mate of her not knowing what she wants, and that kind of fucking hurts considering I've already mentally prepared myself and became happy and excited about the possibility of our future together.

My last 72 hours have gone from me thinking life was great, to me being distraught with what I had heard, to me accepting and then getting excited about the future, to now me thinking that it's all over. I'm not feeling the greatest, to say the least.

You either respond today with I love you and will go with you today if you want if that's what you want. Or you break up. It's that simple at this point.
---

Also, does her family like you?

She is questioning your love for her because you know what it means to her, and you want to hold her back from it. Not helping that you are saying wishy-washy things back to her about doing it and also possibly questioning her mental health too.
---

Corrik7 posted...

You either respond today with I love you and will go with you today if you want if that's what you want. Or you break up. It's that simple at this point.

Yeah, this is where I am.

I don't know if I agree with foolmo that breaking up "for a while" is even possible.
---

I was with an ex-girlfriend for almost 8 years, although I was a few years little older than you during the relationship (age 21-28). I broke up with her a little over a year ago, but there are probably a few things from the experience I can impart on you, and I have a question for you as well.

Have you considered marrying her? If not, why not?

Maybe since you are a little younger you don't find yourself in the situation where all of your friends are getting married. Still, it's impossible to be with someone for 8 years and not to have at least thought about it. In my own situation, I sort of realized I didn't want to marry her after a few years, but fear of being alone and unwillingness to upset the status quo lead to the relationship lasting much longer than it should have. The relationship wasn't all bad times by any means, but I realized it wasn't going to last. The point is simply this: if there are other reasons why you haven't married her unrelated to this new geography issue, then it is probably not worth moving to Portugal for her.

If it's something that you've both talked about before and were both on board with the idea of getting married someday but wanted to wait until you were older, then it is a little bit more difficult of a decision. Just be a bit wary, especially if she gives you an ultimatum to either move with her or break up. If she does, that's her telling you that she values her family and place to live over you. It is not that there's necessarily something wrong with that, but if she is your number 1 priority but you are not hers, then it's probably not going to end well for you in the long run and you'll find yourself jumping through more and more hoops when she realizes what you'll do for her.

Also the long distance relationship idea is terrible, don't do it.
---

Does "I love you" even mean anything in an 8-year-limbo highschool relationship? Marry her to actually prove it or else.

ChaosTonyV4 posted...

I don't know if I agree with foolmo that breaking up "for a while" is even possible.

It totally is, IF they are actually the best people for each other. They have absolutely no idea if they are, which is where all this uncertainty and anxiety comes from. But they definitely could come back together after some exploration.
---

trizob posted...

Have you considered marrying her? If not, why not?

Doesn't sound like they financially are able to at this point. Not many couples are down with the $100 courthouse wedding.
---

davidponte posted...

So then she just said it and explained that she's confused. She doesn't know if she wants it to be us together, or if she wants it to be her alone there, and it's currently split right down the middle. I told her she should probably break up with me, and she continued to explain that she doesn't want that and wants to be with me.

=/

I dunno what to advise at this point but my sympathies for a crappy situation. girls are weird
---

You need to talk it out with her. The thing is... you love her, right? And you've spent a third of your life with her as your SO. If you go with her, you're marrying her, plain and simple. If you stay behind, then what?

Remember that it's hard on her too and she's as confused as you are. She only feels tied to Toronto because she loves you and doesn't want to leave you behind, seeing as you're very important to her. She knows you're not sold on the idea.

Just go with her. Tell her you're going to do for her what she's done for you.
---

I could understand her building up resentment towards you, since she would already be there if not for you, and her being confused by how to process that resentment. Still, I would think that you agreeing to go would make her excited if that was the case. It honestly feels like she might want to break up but not want to be responsible for the hurt feelings of actually breaking up so she's trying to get you to do it. You agreeing to go would provoke an 'oh no this is backfiring' response, which is what that reads like. I dunno.
---

You should do it. Be with a woman you love in a foreign country where there is better employment opportunity for you.

Sounds great.

---

hey david, thanks for your initial reply to my responses in this topic. it was very refreshing.

I'm very used to people on this board being pretty frustrating and disappointing, but I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think this is definitely a case where I failed to do that, and you were the victim of my frustrations toward other people being directed at you.

also if I had just said something when I initially saw this topic instead of holding it in until I was annoyed with the discussion... I think I probably would have come across a lot less harsh.

I actually did get the vibe that she was not originally from portgual, but that was sort of unrelated to my main point so I'll just simplify it even further: she wants to be with her family, you want to be with your family. you get to be with your family, but she doesn't get to be with her family. you just need to consider things better from her point of view.

reading your most recent reply, well, I guess it might not matter anymore.

my interpretation of the most recent conversation: she doesn't want you to tell her to break up. what she wants is you to reassure her that you really do want to go and be with her.

however, at the end of the day, a lot of relationships that start in high school are doomed to failure. people grow and chance too much. our brains don't even finish developing until the early 20s. it's easy to take someone for granted after 8 years; I've been broken up with for that reason, and I've had to end relationships due to being on the receiving end and feeling that way. and a lot of people, in their first ever serious relationship, can certainly make the mistake of taking someone for granted after a long 8 years.

I think you both have a lot of stuff to think about and there could be many factors playing into this situation beyond just the idea of moving to portugal or staying in canada.
---

Corrik7 posted...

trizob posted...

Have you considered marrying her? If not, why not?

Doesn't sound like they financially are able to at this point. Not many couples are down with the $100 courthouse wedding.

Best wedding I ever attended was a $100 courthouse wedding.
---

and yeah it is certainly possible she just wanted to end things and go to portugal by herself, and now she feels a bit blindsided because she wasn't expecting you to be enthusiastic about coming along. that would be kinda shitty but people can be shitty sometimes. it's not inconceivable.

I would still say you should operate under the best possible assumptions until directly proven otherwise.
---

think things through before you do anything

what sort of future do you want? where is your career headed? want children? where to raise them? owning a home?

think about that stuff while you make your decision, don't put her first, see where she fits

and most important of all talk to her about those stuff, see where you both land on those issues

edit: if she doesn't want to talk about that stuff or haven't thought about them then you have your answer
---

Corrik7 posted...

Doesn't sound like they financially are able to at this point.

He could propose to her and then spend another 8 years engaged instead of just dating
---

foolm0r0n posted...

Corrik7 posted...

Doesn't sound like they financially are able to at this point.

He could propose to her and then spend another 8 years engaged instead of just dating

Maybe he wants to buy her the ring she wants.
---

MariaTaylor posted...

and yeah it is certainly possible she just wanted to end things and go to portugal by herself, and now she feels a bit blindsided because she wasn't expecting you to be enthusiastic about coming along. that would be kinda shitty but people can be shitty sometimes. it's not inconceivable.

I would still say you should operate under the best possible assumptions until directly proven otherwise.

The ultimate bluff. I didn't want to mention this because it assumes his girlfriend is either cruel or that she tried to let him down in the easiest way possible and it backfired so hard it made things so worse by her being that way.
---

IfGodCouldDie posted...

Corrik7 posted...

trizob posted...

Have you considered marrying her? If not, why not?

Doesn't sound like they financially are able to at this point. Not many couples are down with the $100 courthouse wedding.

Best wedding I ever attended was a $100 courthouse wedding.

My wedding cost 500, it was on the water, we had kayaks, I catered it myself, the biggest expense was my tux rental.

On the flip side Ive been to multi million dollar weddings that were dull as dirt (great free booze tho)
---

I also don't think "hey we can't get engaged or married because I can't afford a ring or wedding so we should just date for another 8 years" would help the situation
---

Oh yeah another point, if you guys break up in Portugal you can probably get someone younger and hotter there than you could in America. So factor that into your calcs
---

davidponte posted...

"You need to let her go, dude"

I'll be the bringer of probably harsh reality and say this is probably right.

You are 100% all in on her and she is not giving you the same commitment back. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think it sucks to end a relationship that long but it seems pretty obvious that she means more to you than you mean to her.
---

red13n posted...

davidponte posted...

"You need to let her go, dude"

I'll be the bringer of probably harsh reality and say this is probably right.

You are 100% all in on her and she is not giving you the same commitment back. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think it sucks to end a relationship that long but it seems pretty obvious that she means more to you than you mean to her.

I dont think this is necessarily true.
---

red13n posted...

davidponte posted...

"You need to let her go, dude"

I'll be the bringer of probably harsh reality and say this is probably right.

You are 100% all in on her and she is not giving you the same commitment back. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think it sucks to end a relationship that long but it seems pretty obvious that she means more to you than you mean to her.

I don't know about this. She's been staying in Toronto for his sake and said she would've moved already if not for him. Very clear that she cares about how this whole thing impacts him.
---

red13n posted...

davidponte posted...

"You need to let her go, dude"

I'll be the bringer of probably harsh reality and say this is probably right.

You are 100% all in on her and she is not giving you the same commitment back. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think it sucks to end a relationship that long but it seems pretty obvious that she means more to you than you mean to her.

Nah you're wrong. They're both in a place where their relationship is changing and its confusing to see where the future lies or what they'll do together in the future. They both want out but they both want to stay. And neither of them knows what the other wants so its complex. Pretty normal scenario, I mean I would bet anyone in a relationship at the 8 year mark would feel the same way (though if they were married, it would help things)
---

red13n posted...

You are 100% all in on her

He is? Most couples are at 200-300% then
---

Taking a day to think before agreeing to move across the world for her, only for her to change her mind and say she wants to go along = he isn't 100% all in on her.

Got it.
---

Sorry guys, I feel like I left you all hanging there for longer than I should have. The responses have been great, and mostly positive, I think? Which is good. I'll respond to everyone in a bit, currently not home, but I will say that some of the recommendations were things I did independently and I believe we're in a better spot now. Things are looking up after they were incredibly down, and I'll explain all that when I get a chance.
---

Robazoid posted...

Taking a day to think before agreeing to move across the world for her, only for her to change her mind and say she wants to go along = he isn't 100% all in on her.

I'm more referring to the whole 8 years without engagement thing. Most people get engaged at like 70% tbh. The mental health scare and fear of trying a little move are just extra.

But yeah now that you mention it, if you're not following another person where they go, then you're by definition not 100%.
---

SantaRPidgey posted...

IfGodCouldDie posted...

Corrik7 posted...

trizob posted...

Have you considered marrying her? If not, why not?

Doesn't sound like they financially are able to at this point. Not many couples are down with the $100 courthouse wedding.

Best wedding I ever attended was a $100 courthouse wedding.

My wedding cost 500, it was on the water, we had kayaks, I catered it myself, the biggest expense was my tux rental.

On the flip side Ive been to multi million dollar weddings that were dull as dirt (great free booze tho)

My wedding was the 100 dollar courthouse. Though we did it at my place only invited family and got a justice of the peace to come do it.

Literally only spent the money for them to come do it. Our family brought food and booze. It was fun.
---

I dunno man after your latest post this morning I'm going to go with "right person, wrong time" situation which is hard to swallow.

Perhaps one day we will meet again as characters in a different story. Maybe well share a lifetime then.

davidponte posted...

Sorry guys, I feel like I left you all hanging there for longer than I should have. The responses have been great, and mostly positive, I think? Which is good. I'll respond to everyone in a bit, currently not home, but I will say that some of the recommendations were things I did independently and I believe we're in a better spot now. Things are looking up after they were incredibly down, and I'll explain all that when I get a chance.

You didnt propose please tell me you didnt propose

LadyVyxx posted...

davidponte posted...

Sorry guys, I feel like I left you all hanging there for longer than I should have. The responses have been great, and mostly positive, I think? Which is good. I'll respond to everyone in a bit, currently not home, but I will say that some of the recommendations were things I did independently and I believe we're in a better spot now. Things are looking up after they were incredibly down, and I'll explain all that when I get a chance.

You didnt propose please tell me you didnt propose

Hey, guys... We got a wedding to attend! Woohooo!!!
---

LadyVyxx posted...

davidponte posted...

Sorry guys, I feel like I left you all hanging there for longer than I should have. The responses have been great, and mostly positive, I think? Which is good. I'll respond to everyone in a bit, currently not home, but I will say that some of the recommendations were things I did independently and I believe we're in a better spot now. Things are looking up after they were incredibly down, and I'll explain all that when I get a chance.

You didnt propose please tell me you didnt propose

Im pro-proposal
---

every time I get lonely and think I want to be in a relationship I'mma go to the site GMUN archives this thread at

jfc
---

Host extra life and get married on stream
---

No proposal. Still not at a computer so I can't reply to everyone yet, but we talked it all over again and came to the conclusion that the time was the issue.

On her end it was essentially, "I can't wait until January, I need to go sooner", which is where the, "I don't know if I want to be there alone" came from, because she assumed I wouldn't budge on the date. Once we talked and I thought about it, the difference between January and October isn't big enough that it changes my mind, so I expressed genuine interest in going earlier and that changed everything for the better.

The "I should feel happy but don't" feeling is gone from her now that the date has moved up, so I guess that's that.
---

No proposal. This topic is a failure. Close topic.

Lol

Glad ur happy now.
---

I can go into more detail later, but literally the only reason we haven't gotten married is because of financials. We've both openly discussed it and know it's coming, but I don't want to be one of those people who is engaged for 5 years, so we agreed that we wouldnt get engaged until we were ready.

By discussed it I mean not recently, but yeah.
---

@davidponte posted...

I don't think I've ever gone in-depth about my personal life on here, and I try to keep it light-hearted as much as possible, but I kind of need to talk at someone, or at least know that someone is listening even if no one responds.

To set the scene: I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 8 years now. Definitely a high school sweetheart scenario, and we're both 25 now. We're both of Portuguese descent, but the difference is she identifies more with her Portuguese roots and 90% of her immediate family lives back in Portugal. This is important.

Almost every year she has gone back to visit her family for anywhere from two weeks to a month, and that's cool. She's very close to them. Sometimes she goes alone, sometimes with her family, I've even gone twice and had a pretty good time, I barely speak the language but it's been good. When I'm not there we're in communication, there's no trust/jealousy issues, we never argue, it's all very "too good to be true" seeming.

So here's the issue. Last year around this time after coming back she broke down and told me that she is the most happy there and her dream would be for the both of us to move there. She's always a little upset when she gets back, she's incredibly attached to her family (in a way that honestly might be unhealthy), so I consoled her and tabled the discussion. A few months later we had a serious talk and she understood that she wasn't realistic and we agreed that she'd go for a long period of time this year before settling down and starting our lives as we both just finished school. Everything seemed great. She went for 40 days, minimal issues, and just got back.

Obviously she's in the very upset stage of her return, but she essentially said that going for longer only made it worse and now she's certain that the only thing that would truly make her happy is if at the very least we tried the living there thing, to see how we both felt about it.

I was honest with her. I said I'd be excited to try to live there awhile, because I am, and because there are no teaching jobs here it wouldnt be the worst move to teach English abroad, but I also told her the truth, and that is that I don't think I could ever live there forever. I'm willing to compromise because I obviously love her and do want her to see her family as often as possible, but essentially drew the line at living there.

Obviously she knows I'm being reasonable and already doing more than most would, and she appreciates that, but she doesn't know if that'll be "enough". Where I am willing to compromise, she is not moving an inch.

So here's where i'm at. Do I spend another year of my life trying this idea out with the risk of feelings not changing, or does this relationship end here? I don't blame her, she feels strongly about something and I'm not here to hold her back, and we both also understand that she's the unreasonable one here.

But neither of us want this to end badly. She's honestly more distraught than I am because she's got to make the decision here. We're both on opposite sides of the equation and there is no more potential comprimising, unless she somehow wants to come back after trying it out. I just don't know what to do and am unwilling to come to the understanding that the relationship I've spent my entire adult life in may be coming to an end.

I've rambled here, and the answer might be a simple "let her go", but I just needed to get it all out.

Just move there, you only live once. Visit USA or where ever you are leaving like 1-2 months a year like she does with her home country.

You will get use to it. If you love her no reason to torture her like this.

You have video games and the internet. Do you really need English speakers when you go out to eat?

davidponte posted...

Being there for 3 months doesn't make it less likely she changes her mind than a year does, as of now. I guess what it might do is ensure that I know for sure where I stand.

She says that, but a year can change someone's mindset so idk
---

davidponte posted...

I barely speak the language

Well, learn it. You're Portuguese, learn your own language.

davidponte posted...

she's incredibly attached to her family (in a way that honestly might be unhealthy)

Nothing unhealthy about being attached to her family.

davidponte posted...

I don't think I could ever live there forever

Why?

davidponte posted...

I've rambled here, and the answer might be a simple "let her go", but I just needed to get it all out.

If it's so impossible for you to live in Portugal, let her go, for sure. It would be unfair to try to force her not to do what she dreams of doing.
---

It's kind of wild that she can't wait like 3 extra months to go there. It took me like 5 years to move after I decided to >_>

Regardless, couldn't she go in October and you go in January and link up?
---

My concern now would be it turning into October isnt good enough. We need to move now. Her not being able to wait until January for you to get ready to move to another country is a red flag to me, honestly. Youre doing a lot for her and shes rushing you. I hope things stay happy for you. Im just a bit skeptical based on how shes reacted to things so far.
---

I don't think it's illogical to try to rush a guy who has been treading water for 8 years and is planning on waiting another 5 (13 total) before proposing.
---

She is rushing it because she thinks he will change his mind or back pedal. It is not a red flag. Think about everything he said and how long it has been for her.