Board 8 > I need to vent about a relationship issue and cant talk to others [Blogfaqs]

(+) Yeah! (+)

Sounds like you need a couples therapist if anything. Seems like she should just break up with you and get it over with though.
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Nothing you've said sounds like mental illness to me. Wanting to be in a place with supportive people - that's just sensible. Wanting to leave a home life with problems - that's sensible too.

If anything, it just cements "she is definitely not staying" because things are objectively better for her in Portugal. Therapy might not be a bad idea, but it's not going to change her mind (and she might as well get a therapist over there, instead of starting something that she'll have to break off soon anyway).
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Yeah, that makes sense.

We're deep enough into this relationship and know each other enough that I can absolutely seriously bring this up without causing more harm here. If she truly doesn't take to talking to someone professionally, I'm not going to force it.
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Would you go to a therapist to make sure you don't have a mental illness causing your fear of moving?
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I would move. I moved to the Czech Republic at 25 to teach English and it was one of the best decisions of my life. And you're planning to teach? That's a really soft landing as far as finding a job goes.

I would dip my toe in the water and see if it's worth swimming in. You may enjoy it more than you realize right now. And if you don't, it breaks off anyway, you move back after a year or so and you've at least got a worthwhile story under your belt that you'll look back on one day and be glad you tried.

It's not like you just met this girl and you're now moving to Portugal on a whim. This is a reasonable action given the circumstances, with strong upside.
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He said he's close to his family and doesn't like the idea of giving up the time he gets to spend with them.

He's basically being told that for his relationship to work, he has to pick up and move to a country where he doesn't even speak the language, with no compromise whatsoever.

It's less "fear of moving" and more "this is a huge ass decision"
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Yeah, she's been doing the same with her family. Maybe go the other way and see how it works out? Sometimes you have to have an imbalance to make it work.
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Imo you should move there.

If you hate it and things dont work out, moving back will be a pain, but if you dont, I promise you you will wonder forever if you made the right choice.

If you love her, try it.
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StealThisSheen posted...

It's less "fear of moving" and more "this is a huge ass decision"

A huge decision with no risk or downside except that he might not like it. The obvious option that everyone has told him is just go try it for a year. But he is avoiding that option so hard that he would rather just break up with her, and now he is trying to get a therapist to convince her to stay. If it's not fear then it's something else irrational that definitely needs therapy.
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It would help if you were clearer about why mental illness is even on the table as a possible issue.

That would definitely be a game changer and its more than a little weird you said nothing even hinting at this until now.
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davidponte posted...

What if there is some sort of prevailing mental health issue here? I don't mean to trivialize in the sense that I think, "because she wants change something must be wrong", but the signs are there. She enjoys being there so much because of family and because of the support she gets. Here, the support isn't there from anyone but me. Her home life isn't the greatest, without going into too much detail, and there are issues there. So when she goes back to Portugal, those issues disappear and suddenly she is showered with support from a dozen people that she only really receives from me and a few close friends here.

I brought up the idea of seeking help, talking to a professional. I did this early on in the stages of our conversation yesterday morning. Our mutual friend then independently also suggested that as the very first thing to do in her talk with me. My girlfriend is adamant that it isn't that kind of issue because she doesn't feel it that way and just feels better there, but I don't think it could make it worse, could it?

Wow I should have read further.

This is absolutely awful, if my significant other suggested I seek therapy because I want to live where Im the happiest, I would be incredibly hurt.
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Yeah, definitely don't do that
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Yeah, mental illness, what the heck?

she wants to live in portugal to be near her family
you want to stay in canada to be near your family

she has been living in canada for years despite wanting to live in portugal
you refuse to even attempt living in portugal because you "know for sure" you won't like it

why and how exactly is she the one refusing to compromise?

she has literally already done, for years, what you are refusing to do for her. and for some reason you're treating her like the one who is unreasonable and accusing her of having a mental illness. wtf...

foolm0r0n posted...

Seems like she should just break up with you and get it over with though.

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Yeah Im supporting break up now wtf

A fun exercise: think about what she would say about this topic

Bonus: think about the therapist you hire for her would say also
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I'm guessing the mental illness theory is based off details we aren't privy to so I won't comment on that. I just want to say that it isn't fair to equate already living in Canada with moving to Portugal. Presumably she came to Canada through her own free will, or at the very least not at his request. Moving to Portugal at her request is a different thing and it's okay to be wary about a change that could easily be permanent.
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Robazoid posted...

I'm guessing the mental illness theory is based off details we aren't privy to so I won't comment on that. I just want to say that it isn't fair to equate already living in Canada with moving to Portugal. Presumably she came to Canada through her own free will, or at the very least not at his request. Moving to Portugal at her request is a different thing and it's okay to be wary about a change that could easily be permanent.

sure but it's completely unfair to push this narrative that she is somehow being unreasonable and refusing to budge even a little bit when he is actually the one refusing to compromise. she has been dealing with the exact same complications (being away from family) that he is so keen on avoiding! the irony is fucking ridiculous. I wasn't going to comment on this topic until I saw the mental illness thing and now I just can't hold my tongue.
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My brother is married to someone from another country. If she decided she wanted to move back, I don't think it would be fair to say 'well she already tried living here so I guess you have to try to keep it fair'. Granted they have a house, children, and careers so it would be a much bigger thing, but still.

If they originally lived in a third country and moved to Canada at his request, then I'd agree that he wasn't being fair, but the natural course of their lives led to where they are now. I'm also not even saying she's being unreasonable, I don't think anyone is. I just think it's too much of a guilt trip to say 'well she already tried Canada so it's only fair that you try Portugal' when I don't think it's the same thing.
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@davidponte

I suggest you take this to r/relationship_advice

maybe strangers can give you advice we haven't already, might even get a new perspective

neither of you will compromise at this point, and it seems like the breaking point already, so I suggest you get this over with as soon as possible because dragging this thing out will not be good for either of you
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Robazoid posted...

I'm guessing the mental illness theory is based off details we aren't privy to so I won't comment on that. I just want to say that it isn't fair to equate already living in Canada with moving to Portugal. Presumably she came to Canada through her own free will, or at the very least not at his request. Moving to Portugal at her request is a different thing and it's okay to be wary about a change that could easily be permanent.

and I agree

both are equal consenting adults, you don't owe her anything for the 8 years she "accommodated" you
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Robazoid posted...

My brother is married to someone from another country. If she decided she wanted to move back, I don't think it would be fair to say 'well she already tried living here so I guess you have to try to keep it fair'. Granted they have a house, children, and careers so it would be a much bigger thing, but still.

If they originally lived in a third country and moved to Canada at his request, then I'd agree that he wasn't being fair, but the natural course of their lives led to where they are now. I'm also not even saying she's being unreasonable, I don't think anyone is. I just think it's too much of a guilt trip to say 'well she already tried Canada so it's only fair that you try Portugal' when I don't think it's the same thing.

first of all, life isn't fair. so that shouldn't be relevant to this or any discussion.

anyway, no, I don't think he is required to move to portugal just because she lived in canada for a while. if you think that's what I am saying you are totally missing the point. in fact my ultimate conclusion is that they should just break up.

my point is that she is being framed as the one who is "guilt tripping" him, being unreasonable, refusing to budge even a little bit... when that's not even remotely true. and I don't know why you say you don't think anyone is, when there are actually multiple people in this topic, including TC, who are framing her in that way.
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Don't let people attacking you get you down. At the end of the day, take the advice into consideration but make the choice you want to. You know your own happiness.

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do you really not get the absurdity of someone refusing to do something because they "know they won't like it" without even giving it a try, in literally the same breath, accusing the other person of "refusing to move an inch" when that person has been living in the exact same conditions that TC is hesitant to put himself through

this is all right there in the opening post so yes I assure you there are people saying that.
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How easy would it be for you to find a job in Sao Miguel spefically anyway? If it's a small island of 100,000 I doubt there are an abundance of English teaching jobs there. The fact that she won't compromise to mainland Portugal seems like might be a little too dependent on her family imo

And I don't think anyone here can comment about the mental health thing because we don't know her, and two people who have known her for 8+ years think it's a possibility
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MZero11 posted...

And I don't think anyone here can comment about the mental health thing because we don't know her, and two people who have known her for 8+ years think it's a possibility

I mean, if its legit I find it strange he didnt bring it up at all in the first post, because thats both relevant and a pretty big deal. Bringing it up later makes it seem like hes grasping at straws.
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I mean he kind of did

davidponte posted...

she's incredibly attached to her family (in a way that honestly might be unhealthy)

Or at least, that's how I read it
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MZero11 posted...

And I don't think anyone here can comment about the mental health thing because we don't know her, and two people who have known her for 8+ years think it's a possibility

He wants comments. That's what this whole topic is about. David literally asked what we thought of the possibility a mental health issue was involved.
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in fairness most people don't actually want unfiltered comments. they want their friends to pat them on the back, tell them they are in the right, and that they did nothing wrong after hearing only one side of the story.
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GranzonEx posted...

I suggest you take this to r/relationship_advice

I didn't want to say so but this kind of thing is def what you would see there
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I'm like 20 replies behind but I feel like I need to say this because of the overwhelming feeling here:

Mental illness was not the right word to use there, and it's not what I meant. I didn't mean to imply that this was an issue that needed to be fixed, or anything like that. I realize in hindsight that post made me come off like an inconsiderate asshole and I really don't want people to think that, because that's not my motive here.

Sorry for that. I will say that I had a discussion with my girlfriend in much friendlier words and it's all good.

Back to reading the replies.
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Drakeryn posted...

MZero11 posted...

And I don't think anyone here can comment about the mental health thing because we don't know her, and two people who have known her for 8+ years think it's a possibility

He wants comments. That's what this whole topic is about. David literally asked what we thought of the possibility a mental health issue was involved.

I think he was asking if he should bring it up, not whether we think she has a mental health issue or not

Like it's fine to say it's a bad idea but anyone acting like he's a terrible person for considering it are being ridiculous
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Okay, back on a computer and I want to clear up some misconceptions.

I don't think I'm being attacked, and appreciate people voicing differing opinions and opinions that differ from what I initially thought.

MZero11 posted...

I think he was asking if he should bring it up, not whether we think she has a mental health issue or not

This is correct. I wasn't trying to be an accuser, as I mentioned in my last post. I was just thinking out loud and I appreciate people getting me to realize that I was way off base in thinking that. Thanks, genuinely. As I said, I probed into it lightly with my girlfriend and it's all good. It's not something I'm thinking about anymore.

@MariaTaylor I appreciate your comments, I really do. I also think that you don't have all the facts and have done some assuming and that's on me at least partly, if not totally. I've made it clear that I want to try, and in fact, since that first post, have felt much better about the trying thanks to the support from people here. I want to try and I want this to work. So, she was born and raised in Toronto, just like me, and she has lived here her entire life. She goes to Portugal a whole lot but honestly has probably spent less than a collective two years there in her entire life. She hasn't just "spent some time here". 95% of her life has been here. That doesn't change how she feels or change any of this, but it should change some of the word usage being thrown around in here for sure.

MariaTaylor posted...

sure but it's completely unfair to push this narrative that she is somehow being unreasonable and refusing to budge even a little bit when he is actually the one refusing to compromise. she has been dealing with the exact same complications (being away from family) that he is so keen on avoiding! the irony is fucking ridiculous. I wasn't going to comment on this topic until I saw the mental illness thing and now I just can't hold my tongue.

Something like this, for example, given the new information.

Again, I love the replies, they have helped tremendously, and I love the replies that disagree with me. I'm so glad my idea of mental health being a possibility was immediately shot down, because frankly I was wrong.

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@UltimaterializerX @redrocket @ChaosTonyV4 @PerfectChaosZ @MZero11 @GranzonEx @StealThisSheen

I hope that kind of clears up the mental health thing. Did not want to come off as inconsiderate and thank you for making me see clearly.

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MariaTaylor posted...

my point is that she is being framed as the one who is "guilt tripping" him, being unreasonable, refusing to budge even a little bit... when that's not even remotely true. and I don't know why you say you don't think anyone is, when there are actually multiple people in this topic, including TC, who are framing her in that way.

The reason I said it seemed like she wasn't willing to compromise is that the way he framed it makes it sound like she's not in the same situation as him. The way I read it is they've lived in Toronto their whole/most of their lives, met there, have been together there this whole time, etc., and she has just visited Portugal. Now, she wants to move there completely, and his choice is uproot everything as well or break up.

If it's a case of she lived there first and wants to RETURN there, then I am wrong and I should not have used that language. But it sounds like that isn't the case.
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StealThisSheen posted...

The reason I said it seemed like she wasn't willing to compromise is that the way he framed it makes it sound like she's not in the same situation as him. The way I read it is they've lived in Toronto their whole/most of their lives, met there, have been together there this whole time, etc., and she has just visited Portugal. Now, she wants to move there completely, and his choice is uproot everything as well or break up.

This is 100% the case.

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If thats the case, its an even easier decision, imo.

After living in Toronto her whole life, she visited Portugal and feels such a connection that she is no longer happy in Toronto.

You both have Portuguese heritage, you said you enjoyed your time there. Its a no brainer.

Either you both go or you break up, imo. If you convince her not to go, shes going to resent you forever, and if you hate it, well now you know, and can move back.
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How well cemented are you with your current job?
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ChaosTonyV4 posted...

If thats the case, its an even easier decision, imo.

After living in Toronto her whole life, she visited Portugal and feels such a connection that she is no longer happy in Toronto.

You both have Portuguese heritage, you said you enjoyed your time there. Its a no brainer.

Either you both go or you break up, imo. If you convince her not to go, shes going to resent you forever, and if you hate it, well now you know, and can move back.

Absolutely. I'm feeling better than I ever have about going right now. I'm actually excited about it?

Peridiam posted...

How well cemented are you with your current job?

Not at all. I'll explain my situation a little bit. I graduated with my BeD in April, but the newly elected Conservative government literally fucked teachers and essentially made it nearly impossible to find a job as a new teacher, so I didn't.

I currently work seasonal at a fast food place that only runs from April-September. I've been wanting out forever. I did just get a new job that is only 15 hours a week at a solid pay upgrade that is kind of related to my field (running afterschool programs for kids), but that was something to get to pay the bills while I wait for the teaching thing to work itself out and to put on the resume.

So my position is very fluid, to say the least.

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davidponte posted...

Absolutely. I'm feeling better than I ever have about going right now. I'm actually excited about it?

Not at all. I'll explain my situation a little bit. I graduated with my BeD in April, but the newly elected Conservative government literally fucked teachers and essentially made it nearly impossible to find a job as a new teacher, so I didn't.

I currently work seasonal at a fast food place that only runs from April-September. I've been wanting out forever. I did just get a new job that is only 15 hours a week at a solid pay upgrade that is kind of related to my field (running afterschool programs for kids), but that was something to get to pay the bills while I wait for the teaching thing to work itself out and to put on the resume.

So my position is very fluid, to say the least.

Can you afford to move?

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I haven't read any of the responses beyond maybe a handful but just my 2 cents:

I'd try it if I were you. Living abroad is harder and harder the closer you get to marriage and a family plus if you need the work for teaching now is your chance. I'd tell her youd commit to 12 months then decide what direction to go in. You'll gain some valuable life experience and you never know how you'll feel afterwards. Worst case you end the relationship.

I know you feel shes being unreasonable but in your response you said your reason for not wanting to try it is that you're close with your family... so you should understand where shes coming from right?

It's tough you both have a great reason to end this amicably and that's unfortunate but life isnt always fair and the timing isnt always right.

When you say shes the one that has to decide not you... it works both ways though. Is she deciding to go without you or are you deciding to not take a risk and follow her?

I guess that's how I'd see it but then again thsts not my situation. I'd hate to look back in 10 years and wish I'd have taken the chance. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. Or an idiot.

Edit - I just realized you're one of the guys from the NBA threads so ya I mean negative note tuning in at 4am just to watch the good games on a weekday would suck major ass

Either you live with her in Portugal and are happy. Or you dont like it there and you break up. Thats what youre looking at.

She will resent you if you dont go, or just dump you. It sounds like youve had it too easy. In a way.
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neonreaper posted...

Either you live with her in Portugal and are happy. Or you dont like it there and you break up. Thats what youre looking at.

She will resent you if you dont go, or just dump you. It sounds like youve had it too easy. In a way.

Its either

Dont go - breakup
Go - maybe break up / maybe live together forever / maybe gain some awesome experiences and memories then move on. Also the woman there are fine I mean that's a plus

I think the context of an 8 year dating is important here too
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I will say living on a tiny island in the middle of the ocean far removed from the continent isn't nearly as appealing as living on the mainland. Unless the flights aren't so expensive I guess.

Living in Europe proper and being able to get around for pretty cheap was a major plus.
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Corrik7 posted...

Can you afford to move?

This is where her family comes in. Obviously we can afford the tickets and have what is really an insignificant amount of money saved up (a couple thousand between the two of us), but we wouldn't be paying rent until theoretically later down the line. We'd be living at her grandparents house, where all of the kids have moved out and they're rarely home. It's kind of the closest we could get to "private" living in a sense. Her family owns a restaurant there so there is a guaranteed spot for at least one of us as far as work goes if it takes time to get on our feet.

Both the cost of living and the pay there are like a tenth of what they are here, but it's much easier to survive and even excel at "minimum wage" over there. Her young aunt and uncle just bought a house there and he works at the restaurant and she works at a furniture store.

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First you have to accept that you don't get to pick if she stays or not. That's her decision. What you do get to choose is to move with her or not. Think about how moving would improve your life and go from there. I think it's important you make this decision for yourself, and not just for the relationship. You don't change for someone else, do it because you realize it's best for you.
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