Jealousy in relationships

Ok, so there is a huge difference between "jealousy issues" and "jealousy". Jealousy at its face isn't an issue anymore then any other emotion is.

Jealousy is a big emotion. I mean that in terms of you can become easily jealous of lots of things. Jealous of your partner hanging out with friends, family or just having to work extra hours. All jealousy is, is the desire to have more of what you want when something else gets to have it.

So this is complicated for a myriad of reasons. Not everyone does, and those who do, often learn to no longer be bothered by it. I.e jealousy is not anymore of an unwanted emotion then sadness, anger, grief or whatever negative emotion you can think of.

People need to decide what's best for them. Being poly is not for everyone. If you have jealousy issues, then any relationship is probably going to be a problem. There are some jealousy issues people have with poly that mono-people don't have and vise versa. It's not really about jealousy but Codependence.

Theres a pretty distinct difference between your partner working more hours at their job and fucking other people.

That's why I clarified in stating: "there is a difference between having jealous vs jealousy issues".

I am no more jealous of my partner sleeping with her boyfriend anymore then I am jealous of when she spends time with one of her friends. I do feel jealous from time to time, but it is not an issue for me. What jealousy is signifying to me, is that I want to spend more time with my wife and so that's what I let it show me and that's what I act on.

I hope it works out for all three of you. Thats not me being a prick, either. Genuinely. Whatever makes you happy.

Sure sure, thank you for your candor. Sorry if I came across as defensive, I'm used to being attacked for my relationships and I might have worded things too harshly. I'm happy to continue this discussion anytime you want if you have questions. I've had both unhealthy and healthy poly relationships, so I have some idea what they struggle with. Also most of my friends are poly, which helps.

And I can certainly come across too blunt.

I have healthy and unhealthy relationships as well (or I guess only my current marriage has been healthy), so I have certainly seen "jealousy issues", both on my part and theirs.

Also, just finished my run, which makes me more chill.

Why would you participate in an open relationship if you struggle with jealousy?

And I can certainly come across too blunt.

I have healthy and unhealthy relationships as well (or I guess only my current marriage has been healthy), so I have certainly seen "jealousy issues", both on my part and theirs.

Also, just finished my run, which makes me more chill.

Idk if I would call it blunt. Id call it honesty.

There is no conceivable future in an open relationship that doesnt result in resentment or jealousy from all parties involved. Someone is getting the short end of that stick.

It's ok, we both got there in the end in understanding it seems :)

Yeah, it's a thing. Lots of people have unchecked codependence, abandonment or neglect issues that often masquerade as jealousy. Part of exploring my own jealousy was realizing the thing that that I was actually fearing was abandonment and neglect. I didn't mind my partner sleeping with someone else, but rather the festering fear I wasn't good enough and would be discarded. That wasn't true, and it took time to unlearn and feel safe and to learn what makes me feel safe and secure in a relationship. I learned a lot about myself and I was able to take that forward into me next relationship.

Good to hear, hope your run went well.

Idk if I would call it blunt. Id call it honesty.

There is no conceivable future in an open relationship that doesnt result in resentment or jealousy from all parties involved. Someone is getting the short end of that stick.

Happy you found your way through that

But I wasn't saying anything like that. I was only questioning things regarding the place of jealousy in both mono and poly relationships, and I never made a blanket statement about poly relationships.

Some of the difference in opinion was semantics about wording.

Happy you found your way through that

I wasnt accusing you, my guy. I just dont believe poly relationships can work on the long term. And they very rarely do.

I don't think you know enough poly relationships to make that claim. How do you even define "long term"?

I don't think you know enough poly relationships to make that claim. How do you even define "long term"?

Does anyone know enough poly relationships to make claim, or the opposing claim?

Tried it twice. Both times ended in fallout. Never again. And long term is pretty self explanatory. Youre never going to have the relationship with one person that youll have with, lets say, five others.

No yeah, you got a point there.

It really isn't self explanatory. For some long term means life, for others it's like 10+ years and others 20+ years. Most relationships aren't for life but many can be for long term and even then what breaks those relationships are often the same thing that breaks monogamous relationships. Failure to meet needs, failure to align values, failures of expectations.

So... what you mean when you say

"Youre never going to have the relationship with one person that youll have with, lets say, five others."

Id flip that on its head. Youll never have a relationship with five people that you could exclusively have with one. Its like butter being spread too thin.

I'm more interested in the dom issue more than the poly stuff

Is the only viable way for your relationship to survive if you're a dom in the bedroom?

Can't you mix it up and be submissive? Or do away with the whole concept of dom/submissive for a little bit and simplify the sex a bit?

I get that she probably enjoys being submissive herself but to me it all seems a bit reductive to just be like "she needs dom. I must be dom" especially if you're not comfortable with it

She wants a D/s dynamic outside of the bedroom. Sex is just a bonus. She is into the whole lifestyle. I've been to a local BDSM club down here and really liked it.

I'm very interested in pursuing the dynamic which is why it's so frustrating that I can never seem to get there.

So I told her that I don't seem to remember agreeing to re opening the relationship, and that last time we talked about it, we agreed to keep it closed for now. She admitted she chose to open it herself when she signed up for FB Dating. I confronted her and well, she knows I'm hurt.

Am I an idiot for thinking this feels like a huge breach of trust? I'm really upset about this and don't know what to do. This almost feels like cheating. Is it just me?

Tldr: my memory sucks but I know the last talk we had about being open vs closed, we agreed to keep it closed for the time being. She admits to reopening the relationship without talking to me and I'm really upset about it.

If shes in an open relationship that you didnt agree to, thats just infidelity.

She put the status as Open on her FB profile Is what I'm saying, so she's going around telling these people she is in an open relationship when I never agreed to that.

So shes looking to cheat on you. Sack her off immediately.

If we break up, my housing situation becomes a thousand times worse than it already is.

If shes in an open relationship that you didnt agree to, thats just infidelity.

Thats possibly financial control on her part, then. Something that people in abusive relationships do.

This relationship is not healthy.

(almost hobosexual)

So I told her that I don't seem to remember agreeing to re opening the relationship, and that last time we talked about it, we agreed to keep it closed for now. She admitted she chose to open it herself when she signed up for FB Dating. I confronted her and well, she knows I'm hurt.

Am I an idiot for thinking this feels like a huge breach of trust? I'm really upset about this and don't know what to do. This almost feels like cheating. Is it just me?

Tldr: my memory sucks but I know the last talk we had about being open vs closed, we agreed to keep it closed for the time being. She admits to reopening the relationship without talking to me and I'm really upset about it.

If we break up, my housing situation becomes a thousand times worse than it already is.

What happened?

That is sadly very common. You could look to end the relationship but continue as housemates.

Do you honestly think TC could handle living in the same house with her and seeing her go out with a bunch of different guys? I just can't see that happening.

She broke up with me over the phone and said she's just tired of feeling like she's raising a homeless man and not being in an actual relationship.