Jealousy in relationships

What are the reasons?

This is where it gets kind of long. And I'm typing on my phone.

We are in an open relationship. Monogamy kind of goes against what I believe. Every so often she will go to something like FB dating to chat up random people. She seems to attract doms a lot and I was supposed to be her dom from the start but I have failed miserably at it. I've tried so many times and I just can't do it. I get irrationally upset and angry when I see everyone else do it so easily and naturally. I get upset, jealous and angry.

It goes further than this but this is just the surface.

We are in an open relationship.

monogamy goes against what you believe, but open relationships make you jealous...

well. good luck figuring that out, because it sounds like someone complaining that they don't like being stung by wasps, but love wearing active wasp nests as a helmet. i'd tell them to stop sticking their head in the wasp nest

Im sorry but if you dont believe in monogamy, you cant also be jealous if she talks to other people. Unless you expect her to be monogamous and you to not be, which is a whole other issue.

Monogamy kind of goes against what I believe

IIRC, your life so far has been pretty awful, and your mental health is on the verge of breakdown in like every other topic about your life. You kinda need to be able to control yourself and others to be any kind of dom. It sounds like you like the idea of control without having any real experience with it or ability to exert it.

Also I really hope I'm not being roped into a secret cuckoldry fetish topic, because some of this feels like stock ntr dialogue.

wait, is TC the one with the disabled brother and is struggling to afford food and stuff?

This is where it gets kind of long. And I'm typing on my phone.

We are in an open relationship. Monogamy kind of goes against what I believe. Every so often she will go to something like FB dating to chat up random people. She seems to attract doms a lot and I was supposed to be her dom from the start but I have failed miserably at it. I've tried so many times and I just can't do it. I get irrationally upset and angry when I see everyone else do it so easily and naturally. I get upset, jealous and angry.

It goes further than this but this is just the surface.

I feel this. I have had a similar issue. As far as jealousy, be jealous. Be upset. You aren't going to get anywhere denying those feelings. So learn to cope with them. Learn to thank them for trying to keep you safe. Use it as a guide, talk to your partner about your feelings and your needs. Your fears. Be vulnerable. It's ok to be jealous, it's not ok to force your partner to be responsible for them. So take responsibility and remind yourself that it's ok and there isn't anything wrong with you.

Is jealousy common in open relationships though? If so, I really don't understand why willing to put yourself through that. I don't ever feel jealousy.

Yes. Jealousy is a normal human emotion much like anger or sadness. Everyone experiences jealousy even if they are mono. Even if it isn't about people or relationships. The more you try to suppress it the more power you give it to rule over you. The solution is to "be there" for it. Jealousy is a signal emotion, it is trying to guide you towards some other feeling. Something you fear, something you need. The solution is good communication, expressing your wants, needs and fears. As you deal with those baser emotions, jealousy goes away. If you are jealous, listen to it. Hear what it is trying to say. In time, jealousy will disappear or become fleeting. Some people are just already there, others struggle. All paths and feelings and experiences are valid

I got the impression that TC isn't so much upset because his girlfriend is seeing other people.

He's upset because those other people can fulfill the dom role and he can't.

It's them who he is jealous of.

He's upset because those other people can fulfill the dom role and he can't.

It's them who he is jealous of.

that doesnt really change anything.

If he is in a monogamous relationship that isnt an issues.

If he is in an open relationship his partner will always meet other people who are better than him at something

Which leads us right back to square 1
be in a monogamous relationship or deal with feelings of jealousy and insecurity.

This is where it gets kind of long. And I'm typing on my phone.

We are in an open relationship. Monogamy kind of goes against what I believe. Every so often she will go to something like FB dating to chat up random people. She seems to attract doms a lot and I was supposed to be her dom from the start but I have failed miserably at it. I've tried so many times and I just can't do it. I get irrationally upset and angry when I see everyone else do it so easily and naturally. I get upset, jealous and angry.

It goes further than this but this is just the surface.

It changes the nature of the problem.

He doesn't want monogamy, he wants to be able to be a dom.

The responses that say an open relationship doesn't suit are missing the point. Claiming he would just be jealous for other reasons is assumption/speculation.

Unfortunately, being a dom requires confidence.

It changes the nature of the problem.

He doesn't want monogamy, he wants to be able to be a dom.

The responses that say an open relationship doesn't suit are missing the point. Claiming he would just be jealous for other reasons is assumption/speculation.

His feelings of jealousy and his inability to fulfil the role of a dom are linked though. It all stems from feelings of inadequacy and therefore the best thing he can do is tackle that rather than the jealousy. And given what weve already been told about his situation in the past, thats something thats going to take both time and work.

Also I really hope I'm not being roped into a secret cuckoldry fetish topic

I got the impression that TC isn't so much upset because his girlfriend is seeing other people.

He's upset because those other people can fulfill the dom role and he can't.

It's them who he is jealous of.

Lots of posts, damn. I just want to say

This is spot on.

Some good replies here, but I am currently at the physical therapy office with my brother (he is finally getting something done about his chronic ear and dizziness issues), and I've been up since 2 PM yesterday and haven't slept yet so I'm too tired to sort through the posts.

Some of you guys are seeing right through me though, I know that much. Cold hard reality.

I disagree that jealousy is normal in healthy monogamous relationships. There is no reason to be jealous with trust.

If jealousy is common in poly relationships, then that sounds flawed or that one should actually be monogamous.

You're moving the goal post and likely committing a NTS logic fallacy. What is normal for a healthy relationship is as varied as the people in it. No relationship is one side fits all.

Like i said, jealousy is common everywhere. To what extent that exists is the question. I also don't view jealousy nearly as... hateful as you do. Like it would be saying that there is no sadness in a relationship and healthy relationships don't have *insert emotion here*.

You're moving the goal post and likely committing a NTS logic fallacy. What is normal for a healthy relationship is as varied as the people in it. No relationship is one side fits all.

Like i said, jealousy is common everywhere. To what extent that exists is the question. I also don't view jealousy nearly as... hateful as you do. Like it would be saying that there is no sadness in a relationship and healthy relationships don't have *insert emotion here*. It's not normal to be so prescriptive in what is healthy in this manner. At least as long as abuse isn't evident

I am not moving goal posts, as I have not changed what I am saying at all. Maybe I am saying more now, but that is a conversation.

I had always assumed that one reason I could not be in an open relationship is because I would have jealousy issues. For some reason I assumed that those in open relationships don't have jealousy issues and that is why it works for them. But learning that many do makes me question why it does work for them at all. Maybe this is simply my not understanding more than anything else.

But I still think that the below is inherently false:

"Everyone experiences jealousy even if they are mono"

I don't experience it. Some others I know in healthy mono relationships don't either.

So the question is do most people in poly relationships experience jealousy (if so that sounds like a problem to me) or do just some experience it, like you do?

I also don't think all feelings are created equal. Jealousy is not the greatest, and relationships should be tailored in a way, whether mono or poly, to minimize that.

I dont think thats what bsp was getting at. Theres a plethora of conversational points to be made about the distinction between jealousy and protectiveness. Different strokes.

Yes. And of course all emotions are valid. But there is also a BIG difference btwn having certain emotions while IN a relationship vs BECAUSE of the relationship.

One can certainly be sad while in a relationship due to whatever is going on in life or due to underlying depression or whatever. But if someone is sad BECAUSE of the relationship? Massive problem. Same with anger, same with jealousy.

I had always assumed that one reason I could not be in an open relationship is because I would have jealousy issues. For some reason I assumed that those in open relationships don't have jealousy issues and that is why it works for them. But learning that many do makes me question why it does work for them at all. Maybe this is simply my not understanding more than anything else.

"Everyone experiences jealousy even if they are mono"

I don't experience it. Some others I know in healthy mono relationships don't either.

So the question is do most people in poly relationships experience jealousy (if so that sounds like a problem to me) or do just some experience it, like you do?

I also don't think all feelings are created equal. Jealousy is not the greatest, and relationships should be tailored in a way, whether mono or poly, to minimize that.

Nail on the head.

I may be biased, though. Most poly relationships begin because two people are bored with each other and dont have the stomach to break it off.