The fact that I'll never be a father is tearing me up right now.

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Current Events » The fact that I'll never be a father is tearing me up right now.
I'm usually able to control my emotions really well. If I get cussed at, or insulted, I can set that to the side and continue to do what needs to be done. I'll approach them later with the knowledge of how they feel and do what I can to keep the peace. Just kind of repress my own emotions in favor of theirs, because I never feel mine matter as much as theirs.

But seeing a happy family always hits me hard. It's really difficult to not be overrun with envy and sadness. Don't get me wrong though, I'm still happy for them, but it really hits home that it's not something I can have for myself. It usually happens at work, I have to deal with quite a few people there. But I always end up dissociating and kind of going on autopilot. Hiding in daydreams or if I'm at home escaping into videogames or movies.

But last night I was watching YouTube. Noticed a guy I'd never seen before playing Ori and the Blind Forest. Decided to watch and he ended up gushing about his newborn daughter. He was talking with his chat about the new year and what has changed in the past year, and he kept going on and on about how his life has changed since becoming a father.

Next thing I knew I couldn't stop the tears. This random dude, that I've never seen before and had no connection to managed to hurt me in a way that I couldn't handle. And it was all just because he actually has a life to live. I ended up having a panic attack, and hyperventilating. I was stressing out so bad, over literally nothing. Nothing was wrong. Nothing had happened. Nothing had changed. I just learned that some dude out in the world had a kid. That was all.

I knew then that I wouldn't be able to sleep, and if I did that I wouldn't have good dreams. And of course, I barely slept at all. But I did have a comforting dream, which was a surprise. Usually episodes like this end up with me being trashed in my dreams. But this one had me meeting a girl and just enjoying spending time with her and she enjoyed spending time with me. That was all, and I was happy in the dream. Of course, I didn't sleep very long and woke up knowing it wasn't real.

Just feeling really pathetic right now. Knowing that I cried last night over nothing. Just because I have a hollow meaningless life. Because I'm envious of others who have a life. Because the simple fact that they have a life has led them to succeed in every way that I can't. lol
I'm such a loser.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
Why cant you have kids? Sorry to hear this
"I am the beast I worship." - Death Grips
Why don't you start making changes to your life that will help promote your goals?
The
ArkhamOrigins posted...
Why don't you start making changes to your life that will help promote your goals?
Its not always that easy. The older I get, the more it hits me. Then I have days where Im super glad that I dont have kids. Its crazy. Knowing that I will probably live my whole life without building my own family unit is tough, but even though I feel old (36), a lot of people say Ive still got tons of time. So who knows?
NGL, the three years since we had our second have been some of my roughest ever.

I was a great dad when I had one. I think this is what they call being promoted to the level of your incompetence.
Arguing on CE be all like:
https://youtu.be/JpRKrs67lOs?si=kPGA2RCKVHTdbVrJ
Jagus posted...
Why cant you have kids? Sorry to hear this
Ah, maybe I misworded it. It's nothing physical that's preventing it. I'm just a failure at life who will never find a partner.

ArkhamOrigins posted...
Why don't you start making changes to your life that will help promote your goals?
I've tried, and failed, repeatedly. All my money is tied up. I have other issues such as depression, social anxiety and such that makes it difficult. Plus, it seems I'm just not an option.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
I'm the complete opposite. The thought of having people living here permanently and having the responsibility of trying to raise decent humans who require a lot of attention is one of the most terrifying things I can imagine.
This is where cool people write stuff.
ReturnOfDevsman posted...
NGL, the three years since we had our second have been some of my roughest ever.

I was a great dad when I had one. I think this is what they call being promoted to the level of your incompetence.
I know it's tough, but I still want to be a dad. Glad you managed you make a family, and sorry that it's been rough after your second.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
LeoRavus posted...
I'm the complete opposite. The thought of having people living here permanently and having the responsibility of trying to raise decent humans who require a lot of attention is one of the most terrifying things I can imagine.
Sure, I get that. I can definitely see why some people choose to not have kids. I always support people living the way they want.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
Solid_Sonic posted...
Shouldn't you share your feelings with your wife? She seems like the most important person who would want to know about your issues with never being a father.
And we have gut punch #1 for the day.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
ArkhamOrigins posted...
Why don't you start making changes to your life that will help promote your goals?
As someone with kids this hits me too. Like damn, I dont have time/money for hobbies, side projects, or continued education to do something better or different. Once you raise a family youre pretty much on auto pilot for a good decade or two.

I guess try to enjoy what you have because the other person is envying you too.
You haven't set a signature for the message boards yet
KogaSteelfang posted...
Ah, maybe I misworded it. It's nothing physical that's preventing it. I'm just a failure at life who will never find a partner.

This is the wrong mindset to have. It will only guarantee that outcome.

This is your mind trying to convince you something. But you don't have to listen to it. We have great power over our own minds. Its how atheletes train their minds for the intense regimen and duress they will put themselves through to achieve greatness.

You can do anything you can set your mind to. You will have to take action to make it happen but it is possible.

I dont know what circumstances make you feel like you'll never find a partner but... I hope you feel better at least
The succotash is suffering.
Comic Artist
I actually don't. I apologize if I assumed something about the TC. I actually had reservations about posting that but I was uncertain what direction this topic was going in.

I'll delete my post, I don't want to be insensitive about something I don't have any full recollection of.
Someday AI will be so ingrained in your computer that it will reflexively prevent you from using your PC to be rude to someone else.
Solid_Sonic posted...
Shouldn't you share your feelings with your wife? She seems like the most important person who would want to know about your issues with never being a father.

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Blue_Thunder posted...

....who is TC? I dont know em either
The succotash is suffering.
Comic Artist
lol dude youre just 36. Go to the gym, get a haircut, and use apps. Male potency lasts way longer than 36. Im 32 myself and have only been in 1 relationship. No reason to give up.

anyways having children isnt necessarily a life. In fact life has multiple dimensions, all of which I intend to enjoy without kids lol. Not saying you wont have any though
"I am the beast I worship." - Death Grips
They've definitely been a user for awhile but I don't remember any specific happenings in their life. If they lost their SO then I was very much in the wrong with my response.
Someday AI will be so ingrained in your computer that it will reflexively prevent you from using your PC to be rude to someone else.
This character was ahead of his time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKjA8ziWxkk
Hey now.
I've never had a girlfriend and I'll probably die that way. I've made my peace with it.
Time is a funny thing, you know? I guess in the big picture of my life, you were only a blip. But oftentimes, those "blips" make the biggest impacts.
Toonstrack posted...
This is the wrong mindset to have. It will only guarantee that outcome.
It's guaranteed regardless. I'm just being objective here. It's not really possible for a 41 year old whose never had a date, been with someone, or anything similar to be able to have a family of their own.

Solid_Sonic posted...
I actually don't. I apologize if I assumed something about the TC. I actually had reservations about posting that but I was uncertain what direction this topic was going in.

I'll delete my post, I don't want to be insensitive about something I don't have any full recollection of.
You're good. You didn't realize.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
ReturnOfDevsman posted...
NGL, the three years since we had our second have been some of my roughest ever.

I was a great dad when I had one. I think this is what they call being promoted to the level of your incompetence.

This scares me. My second will be here in July

TC I know how you feel. For the longest time I didnt think Id have any. Not trying to give you false hope or anything but its rough, sometimes my brother who doesnt have kids looks sad when he sees me with my son. But often times I think he enjoys his freedom.

There are so many ways to live a fulfilling life. I know adoption can be tricky too
When Cameron Was in Egypt's Land
I know its not the same, but could you join some sort of mentorship organization, such as Big Brothers or Boys & Girls Clubs? There are so many young people in need of male mentorship. You could be someones hero. And you might meet other adults, too.
___
Sari, Mom to DS (07/04) and DD (01/08); Pronouns: she/her/hers
Jagus posted...
lol dude youre just 36. Go to the gym, get a haircut, and use apps. Male potency lasts way longer than 36. Im 32 myself and have only been in 1 relationship. No reason to give up.

anyways having children isnt necessarily a life. In fact life has multiple dimensions, all of which I intend to enjoy without kids lol. Not saying you wont have any though
I'm 41.

And I know there are multiple dimensions to having a life. In my mind, having a kid includes a ton of prerequisite stuff, like dating, and getting married first. It's not just a "I want kids" thing, it's a "I want a life in which I can have kids".

Solid_Sonic posted...
They've definitely been a user for awhile but I don't remember any specific happenings in their life. If they lost their SO then I was very much in the wrong with my response.
I didn't lose anyone. I've been unable to find one. Thanks for being considerate, but I don't deserve sympathy for being pathetic.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
Toonstrack posted...
....who is TC? I dont know em either

An older guy who wishes for a family but (IIRC) still lives with his shitty dad who ruined his childhood and mental state.
Music: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLv4cNOBY2eCInbxg6B-KRks6vKMfmFvtp
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okay, my advice stands. Youre not 75.

My point was more society puts pressure on us to have kids, but enjoying life doesnt require any. Theres still music, video games, drawing, idk, rock climbing? Reading.

Sorry if you just wanted to vent though. My dad had children in his 50s, just make sure your financial life is in order
"I am the beast I worship." - Death Grips
Toonstrack posted...
....who is TC? I dont know em either
No one special.

I just complain a lot about living an unfortunate life and being lonely. It's just hitting me extra hard today, after having a stupid anxiety attack because a stranger has a kid. God, I'm so stupid.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
Jagus posted...
My point was more society puts pressure on us to have kids, but enjoying life doesnt require any. Theres still music, video games, drawing, idk, rock climbing? Reading.
I do enjoy my hobbies, but they're feeling way more like an escape than something to do lately. I want to be able to share my life with someone.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
KogaSteelfang posted...
I'm 41.

And I know there are multiple dimensions to having a life. In my mind, having a kid includes a ton of prerequisite stuff, like dating, and getting married first. It's not just a "I want kids" thing, it's a "I want a life in which I can have kids".


I didnt meet my husband until he was 40. We got married when he was 44 and had our first kid when he was 45 (he was not previously married & did not have other children).

My own father was 52 when I was born - I was his first child.

I'm 35 and single too. I've only had 1 partner and that was when I was like 19.

I should say you get over that mindset of having kids. If you want kids for entirely selfish reasons you're a terrible person. If you know you couldn't be a good father don't ever consider it. But, if you truly want kids maybe try adopting or fostering? But, I will say having kids is not like having pets. If you know you're unable to be a good father you're already a better person that most people.
Holy Diver.
Clearly just speaking for myself here but being the father of my almost 3 year old daughter has been one of the fulfilling successes of my life. I've always wanted to be a girl dad and I feel so fortunate to have been blessed with one.

I was 35 years old when she was born (we're the same birth month!) and in pretty good shape, so I expect to be a constant presence in her life as she grows.
When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps. - Confucius
KogaSteelfang posted...
No one special.

I just complain a lot about living an unfortunate life and being lonely. It's just hitting me extra hard today, after having a stupid anxiety attack because a stranger has a kid. God, I'm so stupid.

Beating yourself up isnt the answer. You need to get out of that mindset in any case. Its self destructive, and you'll have nothing to show for it
The succotash is suffering.
Comic Artist
Dio posted...
I'm 35 and single too. I've only had 1 partner and that was when I was like 19.

I should say you get over that mindset of having kids. If you want kids for entirely selfish reasons you're a terrible person .

What's a selfish reason exactly? Wanting kids is as natural as wanting good food or wanting to have a nice place to live. Its not selfish to want good things for yourself, nor does it make you terrible. What kind of a mindset is that?
The succotash is suffering.
Comic Artist
I am sorry you are going through this. I know you know this, but I made all my friends and had all my relationships (other than my ex wife) starting at 40.

Yes, I already had kids, but I started dating my wife at 43 and considering the age gap, we could have had kids.

Don't focus on me here per se, but just that it is never too late. But your negative feelings about yourself would have to change.
Currently playing - Stellar Blade
Y'all are seriously wasting your time with this "You have to change that mindset" and "It's not too late" with TC. As if another damn near 2 decades of being told that on gamefaqs is going to be the fix for him.
http://i.imgur.com/v3SzL0d.gif
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Ryangrad posted...
Y'all are seriously wasting your time with this "You have to change that mindset" and "It's not too late" with TC. As if another damn near 2 decades of being told that on gamefaqs is going to be the fix for him.

Were telling him that bur he's the one that has to convince himself. It doesn't hurt to be reminded of the fact of the matter.
The succotash is suffering.
Comic Artist
Dio posted...
I'm 35 and single too. I've only had 1 partner and that was when I was like 19.
That stinks, but still better than me.

Dio posted...
I should say you get over that mindset of having kids. If you want kids for entirely selfish reasons you're a terrible person. If you know you couldn't be a good father don't ever consider it. But, if you truly want kids maybe try adopting or fostering? But, I will say having kids is not like having pets. If you know you're unable to be a good father you're already a better person that most people.
I would be a great dad.

TheSuperSilver posted...
Clearly just speaking for myself here but being the father of my almost 3 year old daughter has been one of the fulfilling successes of my life. I've always wanted to be a girl dad and I feel so fortunate to have been blessed with one.
Happy for you.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
Toonstrack posted...
Were telling him that bur he's the one that has to convince himself. It doesn't hurt to be reminded of the fact of the matter.
The same reason it won't make a difference to him is the same reason my post won't a difference to you.
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Post #40 was unavailable or deleted.
The way youre able to express yourself despite being in a lot of pain, I think thats admirable. I cant see you as a loser.
I wouldn't rule out adoption then.

Is it more important to you to impart your genes or your knowledge?

Who is more of a father? The sperm-guy who walked out on a baby and the baby's mother before the baby can even remember, or the guy who taught that kid how to throw a curveball, played video games with them when they were sick, went to school recitals, etc.

Anyways, get your own house in order before bringing a baby into this world. It's tough for you, tough for them, and parenthood is not for everyone.
bsp77 posted...
I know you know this, but I made all my friends and had all my relationships (other than my ex wife) starting at 40.
You had high school friends who set you up with your first wife at 19. I know it didn't end well, after a long marriage that you struggled with. But you still got to experience life in a way I can only dream of then, and even better now. Despite the first marriage failing, you became a father and got to experience love.

Then after the marriage ended, you proved to be more capable than I am, and lived your best life until you found your perfect partner again.

It's not the same.

Ryangrad posted...
Y'all are seriously wasting your time with this "You have to change that mindset" and "It's not too late" with TC. As if another damn near 2 decades of being told that on gamefaqs is going to be the fix for him.
I am a waste of time. If I wasn't, maybe I could've found someone.
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@steelfang8806
My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/steelfangkoga
I'll never be able to (biologically) be a mother, so it's a depressing fact for me, too, :/
I stared into the mirror; a prisoner to the past, a ghost to the present.
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You gotta get out of the self loathing, and also get out of your parents house for one. Not many people are going to get into a relationship with someone that has no self respect, and for a lot of people living with your parents is a red flag of sorts. I know plenty of people that have started a family at your age or even older, but they had good careers and had their shit together.

I had kids too young honestly, but am glad that I did because I exclusively date men now, and I dont think Id bring more kids into this messed up world.

Dwelling on your shortcomings isnt the move. Do something about it.
It doesnt mean you cant have kids to feel that part of you it just means you havent done it yet.

You could theoretically be a great father with your understanding what you didnt like from your own upbringing and it may perhaps even give you a purpose to stuff the things that hurt you aside for the sake of someone who solely depends on you. If you were to have a child now.. could you have it within the confines of your current environment? Could you handle the criticism from your father? Could you maintain the peace for the sake of that child? Solutions to problems are always theoretical, so if you can answer the question thats good. Even a no means you could turn that into a yes.

But how is it that you start to do so? You have to address all of that by choosing. You choose to have it there in the environment you grew up in and get over it for the sake of your child and become all smiles even harboring an enemy. If you want to be a little more prudent, you opt for changing your environment. You go on your own and establish yourself and have your child and choose your life and meaning along with that. You dont have to forgive your father and can separate the hurt and still raise a child.

Either or you can have a child. You just have to be prudent about your choice and never regret it. Never regret putting your feelings of doubt. Never regret not working on yourself. Never regret having more. Your child comes first. Whether or not you can be a good father, though, depends wholly on your ability to just get through the things around you right now and start to separate yourself from them in whatever fashion.
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Solid_Sonic posted...
I actually don't. I apologize if I assumed something about the TC. I actually had reservations about posting that but I was uncertain what direction this topic was going in.

I'll delete my post, I don't want to be insensitive about something I don't have any full recollection of.

Deleted mine as well, don't want you getting attacked for an honest post because of something I said.
evening main 2.4356848e+91
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KogaSteelfang posted...
It's not the same
NO ONE is the same. You miss the point again.

It is NOT too late, but make changes to your life. Work more hours, or change jobs if needed, and then get your own place away from your abusive parents. Yes, your mom is too. Then focus on your health, physique and social network.

If you did all that, which I know will be HARD, your well being and confidence would improve, as would your prospects.

You should possibly consider moving to a larger town too once you have some money and a new job lined up.
Currently playing - Stellar Blade
Post #49 was unavailable or deleted.
One thing that makes my permanent loneliness way less bad is that I absolutely do not want children...

The only children I like are my nieces and even then I can't stand being around them for extended periods of time...

I would make an fucking terrible father...
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Hypnospace posted...
The thing is dude is that you're stuck in a destructive loop

You consistently viciously bash yourself for not finding someone, only for people to universally tell you you're a good looking guy. You've literally gotten matches and had dates set up on apps which is indisputable proof you're capable of dating in some fashion, but you scramble to find ways to disregard it because the date didn't happen due to Covid. You talk about how bsp got further than you without considering that numerous people here haven't even as gotten as far as you have on dating apps.

And you're going to read this and probably think "damn, I guess I'm a shitty person or a burden" once again. No. You're not a shitty person nor are you a burden . You HAVE to break this cycle, dude. Write reminders of positive shit, tell these things to a therapist, something. Cause you consistently bashing yourself and comparing yourself to every person that posts in your topics is not helpful. It's hurtful to you and the large amount of people here who are rooting for you.
Yeah for example I tried dating websites for a time, didn't work out at all
Time is a funny thing, you know? I guess in the big picture of my life, you were only a blip. But oftentimes, those "blips" make the biggest impacts.
Post #52 was unavailable or deleted.
Current Events » The fact that I'll never be a father is tearing me up right now.
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