so I've asked my partner for a "break"

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Current Events » so I've asked my partner for a "break"
not the "i want to fuck around with other people but still keep you in my back pocket" break, but like, an actual time out

i havent had the energy to put into the relationship for a while, i need it on the backburner while i recover and figure things out

he was just away for two weeks on a trip to australia. during that time a new friend id made (big deal for me, i dont like getting new friends) told me she'd wanted to escalate to a physical relationship, be that fwb, casual dating, or whatever. i turned that down which confused her (and myself ig) because given the parameters of my partners and my relationship, it would be fine. he has other partners and he has casual hook-ups. we're also long distance

but it just wasnt something i could bring myself to do

she's soft-ghosted me, which is a bummer. because i havent clicked with a new friend like that in a very long time. if my partner can fuck around and not feel bad about it, why can't i?

so thats one of two big things i need to sort myself out on. the other is that its becoming nearly impossible to recognize he has "problems" like everyone else in life. i have this issue where if someone is well off, has no stress, has all their needs met, loves their job, has a ton of off time, and is at no threat of any of this being taken away from them, then i dont really consider that person capable of having real problems (beyond interpersonal stuff)

and thats the kind of life he has. we were supposed to do another visit this month and instead i asked for a break. cuz i didnt miss him during his trip, i asked him not to message me while he was on it, and that alarmed me somewhat.

ive got some work ahead of me. it sucks man
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Hopefully you are discussing these feelings with a professional on a regular basis, because this kind of thing goes far beyond the average Gamefaqs user's expertise.

(He/Him)
I write Naruto Fanfiction. But I am definitely not a furry.
there are so many red flags there idk what to say other than i hope your effort on yourself makes your fate the grandest and more brilliant of all.
five, five, five, jack -five nobs
Relationships are already super complicated its impossible for me to understand how anyone would want or ever be able to thrive in an open relationship and every real world example I've seen always crashes and burns in the worst possible way.
I'm an artist at what I do. I fuel the fire, watch it burn, and laugh all the while.
What was the soft ghost, please elaborate so I can wrap my head around this
R1R1R1R1R1R1
https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/a/forum/9/995e56fc.jpg
A George divided itself cannot stand!!
Post #7 was unavailable or deleted.
Waxitron_Gazer posted...
there are so many red flags there idk what to say other than i hope your effort on yourself makes your fate the grandest and more brilliant of all.
i dont think id call anything red flags. yellow flags sure. we're together a year and a half at this point and normally i dont dwell on things like this, but work has been really rough lately and ive got no real relationship support structure due to the distance and distaste for dating others, so im just sort of weathering the storm on my own

i dont think these thoughts would come up if not for work breaking me apart. but as work gets worse and worse, more and more i focus on only negative things. i dont even laugh most days anymore

my therapist has been urging me to go on mental leave for a while now. she said its going to start causing me to spiral and possibly tank relationships and start isolating etc

shes prolly right

Asherlee10 posted...
Yeah I don't have any advice for open relationships. I've never seen them work.
ive seen plenty work. my real problem is the distance. its very difficult. i have all of the investment of a relationship but only get my needs met every couple of months. im not upset at the fact he has other partners, im upset that its not something im able to do myself, because if i was then id be able to get my short term needs met and.more easily wait out the time til we move in together
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Why did you turn her down, especially because you don't sound invested in your relationship?
Currently playing: Remnant From the Ashes
im very invested in my relationship, i can still easily picture a life together. the waiting is just hard

i turned her down because i dont wanna get physical with other ppl. i had a feeling she was gonna want that (we met on tinder after all) but i was upfront to start with that its not something thats for me. unfortunately shes just in a place where thats what shes looking for

and when i say its a bummer, thats all it is. we were only talking for a few weeks, but we clicked really well and i was really happy to have someone as autistically into fromsoft as i am lol
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Dungeater posted...
im very invested in my relationship, i can still easily picture a life together. the waiting is just hard

Dungeater posted...
cuz i didnt miss him during his trip, i asked him not to message me while he was on it
To me, this says you are not invested
Currently playing: Remnant From the Ashes
*hug*

i think you need to talk to a professional about this if you cant do that for wtv reason just find some one you can talk to

3 things 1. i am female 2. i havea msucle probelm its hard for me to typ well 3.*does her janpuu dance*
Professional help and advice is heavily recommended for this. You also need make sure you and your partner are on the same page, and on even footing.
I'm a ? Block. No, punching me won't give you power ups.
Who we are is an ever evolving thing, so there are times one can need to break the norm and reevaluate things as change is how we grow as a person.

Sadly (and not saying this is you btw), but sadly many people these days seem to like to label themselves and think that is who they are, and have always been, and will always be, but in truth who they are, and were has always been so many different things that simple labels cant define in whole. And who they will be is still yet to be determined as we are not all simple stagnant beings, we are complex creatures, with complex emotions whose lives and outlooks on it can change from moment to moment.

Sure some labels can stick for life, but they still dont define the whole individual just parts of a vast amalgamation that makes up the whole know as oneself, or in this case you, so dont feel bad about this, and take some time to find yourself again, and remember the journey of self discovery or finding oneself is a never ending one.

Hopefully in my probably inane rambling my message is understandable, and I didnt lose focus on the topic, and I hope I said something of value instead of just insane babbling about tacos or something. I apologize either way just Incase, and viva la tacos!!!
Water+Fall=Radiation.
bsp77 posted...
To me, this says you are not invested
noted

AceMos posted...
*hug*

i think you need to talk to a professional about this if you cant do that for wtv reason just find some one you can talk to
i do talk to my therapist about this. i appreciate the sentiment since i kno its genuine coming from u

but yeah if i moan about something here its a safe bet im venting and actually do talk about it in therapy

My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Dungeater posted...
im very invested in my relationship, i can still easily picture a life together. the waiting is just hard

i turned her down because i dont wanna get physical with other ppl. i had a feeling she was gonna want that (we met on tinder after all) but i was upfront to start with that its not something thats for me. unfortunately shes just in a place where thats what shes looking for

and when i say its a bummer, thats all it is. we were only talking for a few weeks, but we clicked really well and i was really happy to have someone as autistically into fromsoft as i am lol
So, what was the goal in meeting someone on tinder? Just to see if you could manage it? She probably ghosted because she expected some kind of hookup out of a tinder match. Nothing wrong with it, just... expect that kind of reaction again if you meet someone else on there. There's quite a few "I'm not looking for a hookup" people that end up hooking up.

But yeah, it sounds like you should try and take some time off from work like your therapist is suggesting. Would they let you do that right now, while you're on a break from your partner?
Steam/Xbox/PSN = NoxObscuras
Z490 | i9-10900K | EVGA 3080 FTW3 Ultra | 32GB DDR4 3600 | 4TB SSD
Mistere_Man posted...
Who we are is an ever evolving thing, so there are times one can need to break the norm and reevaluate things as change is how we grow as a person.

Sadly (and not saying this is you btw), but sadly many people these days seem to like to label themselves and think that is who they are, and have always been, and will always be, but in truth who they are, and were has always been so many different things that simple labels cant define in whole. And who they will be is still yet to be determined as we are not all simple stagnant beings, we are complex creatures, with complex emotions whose lives and outlooks on it can change from moment to moment.

Sure some labels can stick for life, but they still dont define the whole individual just parts of a vast amalgamation that makes up the whole know as oneself, or in this case you, so dont feel bad about this, and take some time to find yourself again, and remember the journey of self discovery or finding oneself is a never ending one.

Hopefully in my probably inane rambling my message is understandable, and I didnt lose focus on the topic, and I hope I said something of value instead of just insane babbling about tacos or something. I apologize either way just Incase, and viva la tacos!!!
i appreciate u posting anytime, dont beat yourself up. you gave me something to think about, that makes your post worth it
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Post #18 was unavailable or deleted.
Dungeater posted...
i appreciate u posting anytime, dont beat yourself up. you gave me something to think about , that makes your post worth it

Tacos? Jk

I am not being hard, I just know I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, and often others cant understand me, so I always try to apologize just in case.
Water+Fall=Radiation.
Dungeater posted...
we met on tinder after all

Prob not the best place to find platonic friends.
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me...
NoxObscuras posted...
So, what was the goal in meeting someone on tinder? Just to see if you could manage it? She probably ghosted because she expected some kind of hookup out of a tinder match. Nothing wrong with it, just... expect that kind of reaction again if you meet someone else on there. There's quite a few "I'm not looking for a hookup" people that end up hooking up.

But yeah, it sounds like you should try and take some time off from work like your therapist is suggesting. Would they let you do that right now, while you're on a break from your partner?
tinder is really the only place i know how to make friends, but yes i run into the problem you outlined here. i used to not have a problem casually sleeping around (years ago, plus i was single) and made a lot of friends that started as hookups

i do need that break from work its just really hard taking that step. our department is bleeding members left and right and its only getting busier. i understand thats on my employer for understaffing us, but i dont wanna deal with the interpersonal drama that could arise from me disappearing for a month

i do think if work was eliminated id be able to tolerate the distance between me and my partner, fwiw

shockthemonkey posted...
Your partner doesnt give you the support you need while work is tanking your mental health or you need the kind of support a long distance partner cant provide?
more the latter. and on his end, he can supplement the LDR with actual irl people, so it doesnt hit him as hard (still hard though)
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Could it be that you don't actually want to be poly? That could be why you don't want physicality with someone else and also could be why you there is a roadblock with your partner. I could see that you want to be the kind of person who is poly based on your overall lifestyle and worldview but maybe you aren't actually built that way.
Currently playing: Remnant From the Ashes
god fuck gamefaqs dude. i wrote this whole big thing and it crashes my phone browser. ugh
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
bsp77 posted...
Could it be that you don't actually want to be poly? That could be why you don't want physicality with someone else and also could be why you there is a roadblock with your partner. I could see that you want to be the kind of person who is poly based on your overall lifestyle and worldview but maybe you aren't actually built that way.
im not polyam, i consider myself monogamous

the extent to which i engage with the polyam community is reading books and asking questions, trying to gain insight and be supportive. i have no desire to practice it myself

regarding my partner having other partners and relationships, i feel no jealousy. i dont feel that it comes at the expense of our own relationship. i just do this thing where i compare myself with him, and i think "man it would be so easy for me right now if i was capable of doing that too"

its not even that i want to be able to date other people. its more like "man, i can turn on easy mode anytime but i just dont. because its not for me"

its difficult to explain
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Dungeater posted...
im not polyam, i consider myself monogamous

the extent to which i engage with the polyam community is reading books and asking questions, trying to gain insight and be supportive. i have no desire to practice it myself

regarding my partner having other partners and relationships, i feel no jealousy. i dont feel that it comes at the expense of our own relationship. i just do this thing where i compare myself with him, and i think "man it would be so easy for me right now if i was capable of doing that too"

its not even that i want to be able to date other people. its more like "man, i can turn on easy mode anytime but i just dont. because its not for me"

its difficult to explain
This sounds like a one sided open relationship with a clear imbalance then. If you consider yourself monogamous but your partner is clearly poly and engaging in it, i dont see how its going to workout for the long term without continually causing harm to the relationship.

I think you should definitely talk to your partner about this going forward

Hee Ho
we do talk about it, and its only started bothering me a year and a half in when the long distance has become so hard due to other stressors in my life, namely work

we talk about it a lot actually. generally speaking, this has been the most communicative relationship of my life

the difficulty is due in part to the fact that i never considered myself to have physical needs. i never ever got lonely. i never ever craved companionship. but as our relationship progresses, as we visit each other more, as we plan our next steps more

i have found that for the first time in my life i am capable of feeling loneliness. and wanting a hug. its really hard to deal with since ive never had these feelings before. and theres no real way to address it in a long distance relationship

argh
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Dungeater posted...
we do talk about it, and its only started bothering me a year and a half in when the long distance has become so hard due to other stressors in my life, namely work

we talk about it a lot actually. generally speaking, this has been the most communicative relationship of my life

the difficulty is due in part to the fact that i never considered myself to have physical needs. i never ever got lonely. i never ever craved companionship. but as our relationship progresses, as we visit each other more, as we plan our next steps more

i have found that for the first time in my life i am capable of feeling loneliness. and wanting a hug. its really hard to deal with since ive never had these feelings before. and theres no real way to address it in a long distance relationship

argh
Sorry, that's rough. But that sounds like you may be changing, which can be good, as long as you change your life and relationships to match.

Also, you should try Meetup to make friends and be social
Currently playing: Remnant From the Ashes
Post #28 was unavailable or deleted.
I second the suggestion of trying Meetup. There can be some pretty cool events in there, depending on your city.

Also, if you feel like you just need a hug, or to be held, have you looked into platonic cuddling? There's sites for both professional cuddlers (that charge money) and amateur cuddlers. I tried it once a few years ago. I felt like I just needed physical contact with someone and it was very relaxing for me.
Steam/Xbox/PSN = NoxObscuras
Z490 | i9-10900K | EVGA 3080 FTW3 Ultra | 32GB DDR4 3600 | 4TB SSD
i know about meetup yeah. the thing is, im not trying to meet a lot of people. i dont like people. in fact i hate people. thats another reason i default to tinder, its so easy to vet ppl one by one

and it takes a RARE person for me to actually wanna be friends in person with them. this is another thing i go over in therapy, we don't think this is liable to change

thats why clicking/not clicking with this chick was such a drag too lol. never had a fromsoft friend, i was so stoked the weeks we talked

shockthemonkey posted...
Just needing hugs from a partner you love is such a fucking mood
yeaaaaa

NoxObscuras posted...
Also, if you feel like you just need a hug, or to be held, have you looked into platonic cuddling? There's sites for both professional cuddlers (that charge money) and amateur cuddlers. I tried it once a few years ago. I felt like I just needed physical contact with someone and it was very relaxing for me.
its unfortunately not something im capable of

its not so much *any* touch i need. its my partners touch
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Dungeater posted...
its not so much *any* touch i need. its my partners touch
Ah okay. I misunderstood that part then. Wish I had a better suggestion for you
Steam/Xbox/PSN = NoxObscuras
Z490 | i9-10900K | EVGA 3080 FTW3 Ultra | 32GB DDR4 3600 | 4TB SSD
its alright, the fact that u read and posted already means something to me

i know my problem here is somewhat "advice-proof" by nature :v
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
lunch break. finally. today has been hard on my brain between all the reflection and the work stuff
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
thursday can't come soon enough lol (therapy day)
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Post #35 was unavailable or deleted.
I know in the past you have been self aware to the fact you dont recognize your partners problems and feel it he it easy and you were struggling at times with the different dynamics of your perception of his situation vs yours. It sounds like that is something you still have difficulty with but again you are at least self aware of it.

I dont think you needing a break in and of itself necessarily means anything towards your relationship. I say that because of the overall context of what you have shared about your life, namely your job in the recent past. Your job is sucking the life out of you and you are just slowly decaying from that.

i can understand wanting a break and withdrawing but I worry your job will just keep crushing you and this will cause you to spiral and maybe screw up your plans of moving and being together. I hope not.

I think if you could escape your job the rest of it could be worked out much more easily. I may not have any tangible advice, but I just want you to know I pay attention and I do hear you when you vent and I hope at a minimum that helps even a little just knowing you are heard and that people understand your situation.
PSN ID: sled_dogs76
60" Pioneer Kuro Elite PRO151FD, Yamaha RX-V3900 A/V Receiver, Oppo DV983-H player. Coming soon: 2 Seaton Submersives from Mark Seaton
it does help, i genuinely appreciate you, especially since you so often take the time to sympathize

i think this topic and my reflection have been the push i needed. ill get the Leave papers from HR and go over it with my therapist

made it through another work day. really gonna give myself a break tn

been going hard in on exercise. gonna just take an extra long warm shower, put on pajamas and slippers, and watch she-ra or something
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
alright. im going to draft my HR email

if even ppl here can plainly see that work is now taking its toll on my relationship, thats the sign i need. i should have listened to my therapist sooner
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
ugh. now that its almost bedtime shits weighing on me again

thanks guys for not giving me shit for this, even those who usually dont miss the chance. i know these threads prolly dont seem like theyd help much, but theyre good venting spaces in between therapy sessions. and i do respect the judgment of a good deal of u
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
No reason to give you shit over it. Its clearly impacting your mental health in a big way. The majority of people dont ever want to see someone struggle through that.
PSN ID: sled_dogs76
60" Pioneer Kuro Elite PRO151FD, Yamaha RX-V3900 A/V Receiver, Oppo DV983-H player. Coming soon: 2 Seaton Submersives from Mark Seaton
even so, im uncharacteristically self conscious about relationship venting because i know everyones first instinct is going to be to blame the fact that he's polyam, even though that never posed a problem for us. in my own life thats been misconstrued as the problem a *lot*, and i don't blame ppl for assuming, given the reputation

so im thankful to receive the benefit of the doubt

anyway thats enough dwelling for one night. its time i turn in. catch u 2moro
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
I was putting way too much thought into trying to say something thoughtful here, but I really don't have much besides what sounds like a lot of platitudes. You're doing the right thing for yourself and your partner, recognizing your own flaws and needs is an important and commendable skill, and it is likely (and I hope) that this ultimately leads to a healthier place for you.
evening main 2.4356848e+91
https://youtu.be/Acn5IptKWQU
preciate it dawg. i need to sack up and send this email to HR and get the ball rolling here
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
i did it

i fucking did it

i sent the email. that was so hard. but now i will be able to obtain the medical leave papers. my therapist will be so proud

shout out to those of you who were able to call out the fact that work is consuming my life and bleeding into and poisoning everything else

fuck man that was so hard
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Take to actually take a real-ass actual breath.
evening main 2.4356848e+91
https://youtu.be/Acn5IptKWQU
the phone has been so damn busy since my last post and its not bothering me half as much as it normally would

this is good
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
The fact that just sending the email making that much of a difference shows how bad that work has been weighing on you. Im glad you sent it.
PSN ID: sled_dogs76
60" Pioneer Kuro Elite PRO151FD, Yamaha RX-V3900 A/V Receiver, Oppo DV983-H player. Coming soon: 2 Seaton Submersives from Mark Seaton
i regret to inform u all that it got even busier and i am straining big time

Dawn (hr lady) replied, i haven't opened it yet. i'm going to wait til after work. ill deff cry if the phone flinches me out of reading what she said lol
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Post #49 was unavailable or deleted.
thanks dawg. yeah after work ill see what she says. either she attached the form or directed me to where i obtain it myself. either way my therapist will be glad
My fate was the grandest, most brilliant of them all.
He/Him
Current Events » so I've asked my partner for a "break"
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