Really shitty situation to find yourself in, I can't imagine what'd it'd be like to feel like you're holding someone's life in your hands. That's definitely something you need to see a therapist about.
I'm rooting for you anyway, I don't imagine the 50+ messages acting like you're just supposed to blow this girl off are helping much or feeling particularly empathetic. I'll just say I hope when you see someone you can find a path that helps.