About 10 years ago, I was working as a bicycle mechanic in a fairly industrial area. But the area was slowly improving. I guess you could call it gentrifying, but they only built strip malls with franchises in the area. One day at work we noticed they cleared the site across from us. And we watched them break ground on another strip mall. A few weeks later we saw the sign appear announcing all the coming soon stores: Dunkin Donuts, Cold Stone Creamery, Pizza Hut/Wing Street and Arbys. ARBYS! My favorite place to eat in all of the world. I absolutely love Arbys. My mom used to take me every Saturday afternoon. My moms house is still filled with Arbys collectible glasses. Nothing gets better than an Arbys roast beef sandwich with horsey sauce. ARBYS!!!!
So every day for 6 months I watch them build the strip mall across the street. The whole time dreaming of the Arbys that is being built less than 100 yards from my work. Its going to be Arbys for lunch. And Arbys for dinner! Whenever I want! ARBYS! Everybody at work knows how excited I am for the Arbys. My girlfriend is completely fed up with hearing about the progress of the Arbys. But she knows how excited I am. I come into work one morning and there is a big stack of Arbys coupons in my locker. My coworker informs me they dropped them off the night before. Arbys is opening in two weeks. Two weeks! ARBYS!!!!!
Finally, the big day arrives on a Friday! I go with my coworkers right at noon as they open, We are the first customers ever! My coworkers let me go first. Im the first customer ever! I tell the story above to the cashier who just stares at me. I use my 5 Roast Beef sandwiches for $5 coupon. And I get an extra large curly fries with an extra large Dr Pepper. The guys are cheering me on as I make each sandwich disappear. Greatest lunch I have ever had.
4 hours later, I am finishing my shift at work while denying what I am feeling. I have a strange feeling like there is a balloon partially filled with liquid in my stomach. Every now and then I let out a massive burp that smells like diarrhea. As I am driving home from work, I fart and immediately begin the debate: was that a shart, or did I actually just poop my pants? The smell overwhelms me. I then vomit all over the steering wheel, myself, the drivers seat and the passenger seat. As I am vomiting all over the car, I can feel the blast of diarrhea shooting out the back door. Possibly the only moment of my life in which I was acknowledging that I was shitting my pants, but I was not that concerned about it.
At the time, I lived in a fairly densely populated area that is fairly professional. So I was stunned to find myself with parking spot just 20 feet from my house. So it is not a super long walk from my car to my house past all the lawyers and business people heading home on a Friday at 5:30. I get into the front door and there is my girlfriend with a giant smile on her face as she asks me, HOW WAS ARBYS?!? As she slowly notices I am covered in vomit and poop.
God bless her soul as she spent the next day cleaning out the car while I spent the weekend on the couch crying.
P.S. I never told the guys at work what had happened. So I would still go back to that same Arbys maybe once a week. And ended up faking a diet for a while just to avoid going.
